The greatest love story

chapter 7

I often stop during the day and close my eyes and try to see Colorado through your eyes. It's hard. I'll have to wait for the pictures. Saw Dianne Brenner yesterday. She's lost 50 pounds and looks great. She wants to see you when you come in to town.

Well, got to run and do errands and go to work.

I have a heavy heart today because I couldn't speak this morning. I wonder if you feel the same.

Phooey.

Miss you.

My letter for Sunday that I left behind for Grace to read on this day.

Today is Sunday. We'll be driving to Vail today. Across the tall mountain peaks. I guess you could say "we're taking the high road". I'll be thinking of a Sunday only 4 weeks and about a thousand miles away when we walked in the ocean waves and talked about great things and wished time would stand still. And took a thousand mental videos. I'll admit I didn't keep my eyes closed the whole time we were meditating. I wanted to see and remember the sunlight in your hair and all over you. You looked so healthy! and so good. But I most remember the feeling of being so comfortable, so relaxed, so whole. I know my heart was happy and full. Today I can see the very high mountain tops, covered with a white cap of snow or ice. The sun is really hot on my driving arm. The air is so thin. One can be out of breath in a second, if I just walk uphill a ways. The trees are so green against the rich blue sky. The air is so clean, I wish I could bottle it up and send you some. I thought a lot about you today. And I'll probably think about you a lot tomorrow. We had a light breakfast today, and now we're driving on this two-lane road. The only wildlife we've seen have been small chipmunks and squirrels. I can see the photo of you. Setting up your tent by the river in 1974. You didn't look too much younger than you look today. You looked happy and like you were having a ball. Idaho? That is a long distance off. In 1973 I was in Rochester, New York, probably working in my lab raising planaria and moving into my

new lab.

I was in Chapel Hill last year at this time. It was a hot Sunday

you, but I couldn't talk to you or touch you.

I remember on Sunday night last week, I looked into the room where you stayed, and you were gone, without a trace except for the pillow case of sheets at the bottom of the bed. It was 10:30 pm, I had kissed my daughter "goodnite", and could picture you hugging her. How I wished it were natural for you to hug me goodbye and hello in front of everyone.

Oh, it's a clear Colorado night, cool and the air is so clean and pure. How I wish you were here for just one warm hug. I love you today. Tomorrow is another day of meetings. I've met many new people here. Maybe a new friend or two. You never know where a friendship will lead.

I'm now back at my room. Put on my other face, and we'll go out to eat at a nearby restaurant. Then we'll walk about town and go to bed. I'll whisper "goodnite" to you, just as I always do. Tomorrows password is "colorado" - I've always admired your restraint. Love, me

July 10th, 1990

It's another picture perfect "Colorado" sunrise today. I'm up early because the meeting starts at eight. I know it's only 6:30am but I spent the night thinking of you and wanted to see the beauty of the rocky mountain sunrise as a substitute for your beauty. It's surely magnificent, but no match for you. Well I tried. If you could see through my eyes right now, you would see beams of sunlight streaking around the mountain tops, like beacons across the open blue sky. Such a feeling of vastness, of purity, of beauty. And it happens every day. We just have to open our eyes and perceive it. You have certainly helped my perceptions of the beautiful world. I've seen more rainbows since I've known you than I ever saw before. This is the second day of the meeting. (Do you get bored of all my stories in my world of fantasy? I've never shared any of my fantasy world with anyone else - I think one bares one's soul when one shares a dream/fantasy).

Anyway, it's Tuesday already. Vail is a quaint town of shops and ski slopes. Lots of restaurants, everything's very expensive, the clothes, the food, and the souvenirs. I will bring you back

some small natural souvenirs from my travels. Can you smell the

fresh air here? You see, I take you with me where ever I go.

You're in my heart and I talk to you.

I'm learning a lot here that I can use for our program. Calcium and Vitamin D interact to affect cell division/differentiation in colon epithelia. They interact to slow down the mitotic rate, and hence impede the progression of cancer. It seems that abnormally high cell division in any tissue can predispose that organ to cancer. I think this is an important concept, one that can be proved scientifically at least for one cancer site. I think the same is true for liver, since people with chronic hepatitis (B) have higher cell turnover rates and always have higher hepatic cancer rates. End of class.

I miss you today and look forward to seeing you again at the end of the month. Tomorrow's password is "mountains" I love you today. me

July 11th, 1990

We've left Vail and are heading westward to Glenwood Springs, a place where natural hot springs fill this huge swimming pool. Such a beautiful drive on such a beautiful morning. Can't help thinking about you [sigh...].

Today we're driving to a National Park called Black canyon of the Gunnison. The reason it's called a Black Canyon is that the canyon walls are so steep and the canyon is so narrow and it runs north south, that daylight only reaches the bottom for a few brief hours each day. But it is beautiful standing here on the west lip of the canyon. GOD it's a long way down to the bottom. Almost 1500 feet down to the first ledge and another 2000 beyond that. Hope I don't slip, the first step is a big one. It is incredibly beautiful and I well respect the dangers if such beautiful geologic formations. I never get near the edge and I always hang onto a tree or stay behind the fences. I feel really happy today for some reason. My inner soul is singing a bright melody. I think it's you singing one of Barbara Streisand's classical songs to me. Those are so beautiful they pull at my heart strings.

We're staying in Montrose tonight. The hotel is not fancy but it has a pool. Casey and I swimming this evening at the hotel pool. We always have to get a hotel with a pool. We're not campers, even though I enjoy it myself, the rest of the family doesn't so we

don't. The air is so cool here at night, that you have to stay under the water to stay warm. I'm showing Casey how to dive tonight. I've started with a simple jackknife, then we did flips and twists. I've always wanted to do fancy dives. But it's so cold out of the water, that we hurry up our dives. Casey's turning blue so I've wrapped her up in a towel and we're going in for a nice hot shower. Boy this warm soapy shower feels good, wish you were here again. Must get some sleep tonight, Goodnite sweetheart! Tomorrows password is "valleys" Sent with a big, big, big hug! me

July 12, 1990

I wrote "Today were traveling across the mountains going to Salida. Just enjoying the scenery. We stopped at an Indian village and visited some craft shops. There was a big reservoir along the way. Such a large beautiful blue lake. About a mile up too. Many people fishing, but we're just hikers. We took the trail around the lake. There were beautiful wildflowers. I found a small one that spoke to me and said take me back to one you love. So, I put it in my pocket. I hope I don't crush it during my walking and sitting. One of those mountain rain storms came through during our walk. We all got a little wet. I smiled when I remembered another story of a rain storm. I think I was at Yellowstone during that one. It's late afternoon now. And we're visiting a ghost town. Where once gold and silver were mined. The old buildings once held many people, all with stories to tell. Forever silent now. Only the wind is whistling through the broken windows. The sun is only warm now as it sets and we reach Salida. Casey and Mitchell are getting excited about tomorrow's raft trip.

The evening settles on this small town, a town where they roll up the sidewalks at 9pm. I was standing outside at 8:30 MST thinking of you. I think we were together in thought, at least I felt some connection in spirit. Tomorrow's password is "whitewater". I love you tonight!

Me"

Grace wrote on Thurs July 12: 6:00 am

Here I am peeking at the next day again, Oops, two days... Well, I couldn't stand not being able to talk to you this morning when you called so I am grabbing all the words from you I can find. Thanks for sharing all this week with me. I want to return this to you so you may have it Monday or Tuesday. Every night about this time the clouds come and roll around about making noise and threatening to rain. But, no rain comes. It's a dry North Carolina summer again. Not many sweet drops of rain on our shoulders. Plenty of summer breezes though.

Been listening to Christmas music to cool off. I'm working on a rendition of one of Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas pieces for you, changing the words.... hmmmm...... Also listening to Lionel Ritchie's music you sent.

I love you much.

See you in a few weeks.

I have a helluva lot to do between now and then..........

Grace sent a postcard to me about July 21st, 1990. The postcard has a picture of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel, Virginia on the front. Inside the card it says "Chesapeake Bay Bridge tunnel, Virginia Looking south from the North Channel Bridge, the highest point along the 17.6 mile span." Grace writes "The impossible is made possible. A dream turns into design and achievement. We can all build bridges to unforeseeable destinations on the edge of the horizon. We can bridge the gaps of space and consequences... of things that keep us apart...

July 13, 1990

I wrote Got up very early today to drive to the Royal Gorge. Such a beautiful drive. We are all full of anticipation of the excitement ahead as we're going whitewater rafting today. Please come with us. We are all dressed in out tennis shoes and swimming suits and life jackets. The raft is inflated with a small electric pump. "River Runners LTD" is emblazoned across the side. Everyone gets into the raft at 9 am and we begin to float slowly out into the river. The mountains soar up on one side of the river here. We get

instructions on how to be safe and hold on, and what to do if we fall out. Feet up pointed downstream. It's a peaceful float to the first rapids. Then we hear the roar, and off we go down, down, down. WOW my heart is racing with excitement. Such excitement hasn't happened to me since I was in Texas about this day last month. Similar to the excitement and beauty of fireworks I feel when I am with you.

Racing down some fast water now, not really rapids, but we're moving. We reach a calm section and jump out for a swim. The river valley is so spectacular here. It is a very Royal Gorge! Some of the rocks in the river are incredibly large. I found one very small one and placed it inside my swimming suit, so it would be safe. It rode very close to me all the rest of the trip.

I guess we never thought of it being Friday the 13th. Glad we're not superstitious.

As the last rapids are crossed they take a picture of us, and we hope we are smiling. WOW that was a Class V if I ever saw one. We must have dropped 15 feet. Well it's lunch time. We've stopped and are having a snack. I remembered the picture of you sitting on a raft somewhere in Idaho. When I see that picture I wish I was there, I wish I knew you back then and even before that time. One time- funny about time, it never comes round again. And so this day passes into the memory books. I'm tired but still thrilled about our trip, as we drive to our next stop. It's a small town outside of Colorado Springs. A little to the west I believe. We settle in for the night. Oh my it's 8:39PM I've missed our time with you! Maybe for one minute. Hmm...

I've really missed talking to you this week. I've taken a lot of photos. I hope they are ready to share with you when we come in two weeks. Only TWO WEEKS! We've got to find "somewhere" place for a couple hours. Tomorrows password is "bluesky" I love you, big bunches! me a

Grace wrote to me a note with a floppy disk. The note read

Hi - it's Friday - 7-13-90 I've copied these onto my disk. The dates on the sticker on the disk are the date I made notes back to you. SO

pull those back up and look under "J" column for more words.

Yes I jumped ahead to the end. On 7-14 you will read why. This was very special to hear from you every day. Sounds like you had a great trip. Glad you are home!

Ooh! I just found your mistletoe in my desk.....Hmmm Thanks All my love! hugs & kisses too.

On July 13th Grace sent a card to me on the cover was a picture of a man walking alone on the beach at sunset/sunrise- the text says "Sometimes I need to be alone with myself"- Inside days "But mostly I need to be alone with you."

Grace writes in the inside "Friday 7-13-90 at 12:20 EST- I'm sitting in Chick-Fil-A on Hot Diggity Days at University Mall. And you are dashing the rapids in Colorado. I'm feeling kind of moist -must be rock transmissions.....

This card says what I am missing being alone with you, someplace like the picture on the front. I am wondering how we will get the quality time when you visit - how to find it gracefully. I really don't want to go to NY next week can't afford to miss much work. But they need us up there; I'll take work with me and who knows maybe we'll stop for lunch in DC? It's the little things that keep me going- Thanks for sharing lunch with me- Hope you are soaking wet right now! I send my sweet love to you.

Grace sent another card on the same day with watercolor mountains on the front. The text on front "LIFE'S FILLED WITH POSSIBILITIES".

For it's not until we try that we find out what we can do, So don't wait until tomorrow to discover something new!"

Grace writes:

For you're one who deserves the very best that life can bring! HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

I write back on July 14, 1990.

Today is the day we fly back home, across the blue sky that we come to love. We were so very close to the blue sky in Colorado. What a beautiful week. The whole family seemed to enjoy all the

activities now we must leave. I say goodbye to them at the airport, since I'm on a different flight. I'll meet them tonight at home. I've really missed you this week, but it hasn't been as bad as I thought, since you seemed to be there with me in my heart. I hope I can share the wonderful feelings of this trip with you. GOD has certainly made some spectacular things in this creation. The mountains of COLORADO are only one of them. And I think you are another one of them. I have tried to put my feelings into words. I hope you have enjoyed being with me every day. There is no password for tomorrow. I'll go back to the regular one. The plane is now up in the sky, and I'm looking back at Denver, back at the mountains I love so much. I think in my next life, I'll have a house in the Colorado Mountains, by a beautiful mountain river, and share it with you. Hmm.......

I hope you have had a wonderful week. I hope you call me on Monday the 16th. I'll look forward to talking to you again so much. Make it early. About 8:30am is fine. If you felt any cool summer breezes this week it was just me. The little warm puffs were mine too. Sent with love, me

On July 23rd Grace writes

Have a wonderful birthday and an exciting, fulfilling year! May you learn new things, do great things and may your heart be full. If last year at this time we could have imagined what the year would be like, we may not have believed it.

May we be equally surprised this year.

The enclosed tape is an old favorite of mine. (Newly purchased for you- mine was an 8 track & I wore it out.) The first two songs on side one is especially for you. I once wrote out the words to "There we are" for you. Now you can hear JT sing it for yourself. Now that you've started meditating, you can begin subtracting years from your biological age rather than adding. Soon we will be the same age! I love you! God Bless You!

7/90

Happy B'day! Check your mailbox

Grace wrote a song for me entitled 'Our secret love' (to the tune of "O Holy Night")

"All through the night, I felt your love beside me With every breath, every dream that we shared. So tenderly, we held each other closely, With reserve of passion so rare.

God only knows how strong our love has grown. And only the Lord by his grace can guide us on. I pray 'Dear God bless our love, our secret love.'

And by the day, we shared the sun and rainbows As we walked where the sea meets the land. Wishing to find more days like this together They are so few and they're so hard to plan. You give me strength and courage to continue This precious love that no one understands.

God only knows how strong our love has grown. And only the Lord by his grace can guide us on. I pray 'Dear God bless our love, our secret love.'

Grace wrote a note on blue paper on July 31st, 1990:

Poo! I miss you! 11:20 of morning you left. Looking thru the looking glass, I caught the gleam in your eye. But unable to tell you how I feel. I feel so empty and so foolish. I wasn't able to take

home when you were to call this morning and tomorrow I will miss you if you try to call. I also feel you may be angry that I opened your briefcase. But whatever the reason you would have any negativity, it makes me feel awful. Even if you aren't angry, I feel that if you ever were disappointed with me, then that would be the WORST thing in the world. Maybe that is why I try so hard at work.

Your love is very powerful. That is why I suppose that your wrath would be inversely devastating. See what happens? When you are out of touch, my mind feels like a disk drive that isn't engaged, it keeps spinning and spinning looking for something to lock onto. Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?a

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?r

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?i

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?f

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?!@#$@%%^*$

C:>

Please excuse me now. I need to go count some more dishes so you don't get angry with my lack of results....... I miss you, my friend. I love you.

On August 13, 1990 - Grace writes to me: Almost the end of summer. I feel a great sadness that the summer is closing and there were too few lazy hazy days. Maybe one on a beach in Texas, maybe a lazy day walking through a forest in late July. That's about it. Notice my lazy days are when you are near. Other times I seem to only work and worry. I feel very sad how my life has been lately. I feel bad about how I am reacting to these circumstances.

I used to bounce back to normal after a hard time, but now my mind doesn't stop worrying, my body aches and stomach churns. As a TM teacher, I can immediately diagnose the problem as lack of rest. Stress distorts reality. The reality is that I have a beautiful family, a nice home, a flexible job, and a wonderful friend like you. So all of what I say to you here is clouded by that stress. The 'reality' is that everything is peachy!@!

I feel very bad about how work has been lately. Whereas I used to jump out of bed knowing that I would go into work (and perhaps see you) or even after you had left, I would run to work feeling I had great things to accomplish (for you), now I get this awful feeling in my liver (!) driving to work. It's the way I used to feel when I was working with Dr. Sonhar. It's a feeling of lack of fulfilment. It's a feeling of lack of growth.

And now I am not supposed to discuss situations at ABC with you, according to our mutual friend, Jim. (personnel problems and the like.) He says we should work things out within the group. He says that Dr. Connery 'said something'. He said what you and I talk about scientifically and what goes on in our 'personal relationship' is different. That's what he said. I am in the middle. I won't tell you anything.

And when I do tell you something, I didn't tell you-okay?

Do you see why I have this new inspiration to go to graduate school? I feel a great conflict here too. I can't drop the project. And I can't take any courses now because I'd never get everything done. Nothing would happen till next spring or fall, and they may not even want me. But there is no one to whom I can hand over your 'little baby' (the RTE project) with confidence. Please don't mention my plans to anyone at ABC. I am going to plug in all my energies and continue to do my best. So don't start worrying till next year.

By the end of last week, (during your vacation) I was missing you a lot. Heard a song. Couldn't sing the tune now, but the words are: "Meet me halfway across the sky-out where the world belongs to you and I."

I guess that's us at ten-thirty.

Sometimes at ten-thirty, I sing this song to you:

True love can be whispered from heart to heart When lovers are parted, they say. But I must depend on a wish and a star, As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.**

How could I ever be upset or disappointed with one who has opened my eyes, my ears, and my heart to the beauty of life and given me so much joy and sunshine over the years?

Still trying to finish your Aug 7th letter - The "details" at work either need to be delegated (if someone else can do it) or efficiently dispatched (only if you can do it). They are a bother; I also have lots of nagging details every day. But never forget the big stuff has higher priority. Even I make the mistake of taking care of details and leaving big stuff go. It makes me angry that I do that sometimes.

It is a big turning point when your firstborn goes off to school. I think the second one was much easier for us. But he will be proud of himself and you will be proud of him when he accomplishes things. You only have to foster that joy of learning and give heaps of praise when he overcomes a challenge at school. I think the key is making sure they know you want their success and that it is important to you. Remember that all you need to know in life you learned in kindergarten. You know sharing, taking turns, and the golden rule.

Remember I am always here to listen to your worries and concerns, and I hope you continue to tell me. I hope I can share my worries with you too. It is good to get them out.

I'm sorry if I write so much. I really miss you, even after 2 weeks it seems longer. I still don't know when to schedule my trip to NC. I'm hoping for some divine guidance. I want it to be a good trip, businesswise and get to spend as much time with you as possible.

You are still my angel in a long white gown. And I still love you so much..... I really look forward to seeing your smile again... The sun is shining now, and I am thinking of you..... ME

On August 16, 1990 Grace writes:

Well, I've got my GRE study books....I want to aim for the Oct 13 test. It's been good talking to you every day this week. I feel much better now. I'm listening to 'All things considered' about events in the Middle East. It's a very strange time. I always try to find the good point in news like this. I understand that things can get pretty rough but I look forward to the near future where all nations are peaceful. And I believe that the world will live in peace soon. So much of global events have been very encouraging and leading to world peace. I think people are growing in consciousness and learning what is good for them and for the world. So maybe all of this Mid- Eastern mess is some spurt of disorderliness working its way out to a more orderly world. A news analyst I am not.

The next day Grace continued-

Quick note to finish this and sent it. Took me 4 times to get into this file.

Diskerror...... I'm wearing out this disk-quick diskcopy!! Thank you again for

sharing a day a camp with me. It was nice to get away from it all with you, if only on paper. I look forward to three short weeks when you will visit me. I miss you. I love you.

On a note included with the floppy disk: I think this is the right disk! same password New input for your data files -! Have a sunny day - Grace

A few days later she continued

Now it's Monday Morning! Thank you for your words + thoughts on disk. Arrived Saturday - as well as PDQ info- Thanks so much for searching that for us! Now I've got some background and know what to expect from Dr. Bruckner. It should be an interesting meeting, and an interesting trip. I'll send kisses down as I fly over Washington. I thank you for your wisdom. Your comment made a great impact: Long journeys begin with small steps

I wish you happiness + sunshine today - and every day.