The greatest love story

Chapter 8

I really love you!

I received a postcard from Myrtle Beach a few days later (a red sunrise on the ocean beach with a large heron standing to the right of the sun)

Inside Grace wrote:

Standing by the end of the shining sea-wishing you were here."

A few days later returning from her trip -Grace wrote while in an airplane:

"8-20-90 MIDAIR 9:30-Technologically suspended-between the stars and the incredible fireworks of lightning displays in the distance -The Fourth of July never looked like this. Such wild aberrant energy unpredictable. The lightning pulses - spread across the horizon - almost synchronous. Sometimes a straight hit to the ground, sometimes dancing horizontally -must be miles wide. Now its darkness - No Stars No more lightning.

Pure blackness.

Perhaps a beam a ray of sunshine coming from below is that you?

Do I sense it with my eyes or in my heart? Why do I carry this little rock in my hand? You are near.

I'm not really here. Somehow I can go thru the motions of life, but it doesn't register not emotionally. That can be good I can do things and accomplish things and not be too involved or overwhelmed. But when I stop, and think what do I really feel about this - say, about being on a plane going thru the motions. So, maybe I'll wake up when I get back home. The opposite is true for the times I am overwhelmed by 'things', and I can't think straight. You get a lot of disks from me at those times. Those are the times when my LIST of what to do seems infinite, and my time + energy so limited. You can hold a lot of CO2 in ginger ale - you don't see it till you shake it

up. Then it gets clear again -then you shake it again + more bubbles come out. Clear again. That's a great analogy! For what? I don't know, but I'll think about it.

Could be an analogy for something that is always present, but you don't notice it till you enliven it. Ahah! That's it: Transcendental consciousness is always there- we don't notice it or its effects on our lives till we enliven it, stir it up, tap it -build a pipeline to it. That is Maharishi's bathtub analogue - You can sit in a nice warm bathtub but not really notice how warm it is until you move about and make some waves (Try it sometime... with a friend...) hmm -Eventually the ginger ale will go flat, The bath will cool down. But tapping the fields of pure consciousness has infinite possibilities. It's been nice sharing this flight with you - We are beginning our descent. I still have this little rock in my paw.

I wrote back a day later:

I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. I know it's not easy for you being pulled in so many different directions by so many responsibilities in your life. But you can do it.. just keep holding tightly to your dream until it is no longer a dream but a beautiful reality. There's a wonderful tomorrow just waiting for you.

I saw a card that said:

I just wanted you to know that I believe in you, and wish you a future that's as bright as can be and as full of hope as your dreams.

Grace,

This is what I want to tell you, Every day...every night... These words are my words, Just as printed..they're so right! Richard

I wrote to Grace on August 27, 1990

Monday morning 8:45am

Thank you for the nice letter written from above the clouds.

this year, I know. Happier that everything is much better with Miriam. She has been so loving, kind, and even slightly more affectionate lately. I guess persistence usually pays off, I guess I should believe in what I preach. I was beginning to wonder last year at this time, if it was worth it. And I have you to thank for giving me the inspiration to keep trying and trying harder. You have really helped us. I wish I could tell Miriam that. There are still so many things I can't tell her about what I am thinking about, it is frustrating. I wish she would understand, or could understand my feelings for you. I can look Miriam straight in the eye and honestly tell her I love her, and can look you straight in the eye and tell you I honestly love you. I guess there are some people who feel that isn't possible, but my heart feels so big and warm that I am very comfortable with it now. I feel so blessed and happy, I hope nothing changes.

I missed you a lot yesterday. At Lake Needwood, I kept looking up on the path, halfway up the hill, and thought I could see you walking behind the trees. Remembering our walk along the lake's edge. Sitting on the stone ledge. So many wonderful memories this past year. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me feel so wonderful. Just thinking about you gives me the warm fuzzies..

I hope you don't feel bad and sad this week. I feel sad about your little boy. He doesn't need those problems. I hope he can be helped by medical science. I do think about him too, and care about him. He is so much a part of you, and a mirror of you at times. I see it. I hope his first days at Kindergarten are smooth, and he enjoys going to school. I've got to get some work done today. I'm glad I can talk to you. Talking is good therapy...for me. I will be here for you to talk to.... Looking forward to next Wednesday. Please cancel all the hurricanes in your area, for next week. The sun is shining in Maryland, and it's going to be a good day.

I really love you, me

P.S. Happy, happy, happy birthday. Remember me on your

birthday, especially when you eat the ice cream.

On September 5th I drove to NC to see Grace, and returned on the 8th.

Grace replied on the 9th of September, 1990

I really fell into love this week, a love so deep.

It has never felt so strong. Being with you was a time of pure flowing love, from an infinite source-not restricted by my usual worries, concerns, and extraneous jabberwhack that previously would shadow my time with you.

The last few weeks had been so low, exhausting and confusing-as if experiencing a great vacuum in anticipation of the great fullness to come this week.

The channels of my emotions feel cleansed from the surge of your

presence and love. My eyes are well cleansed and kind of weary.

I felt our love as a reflection of God's love and life's potential falling back on itself. We are all divine in reality, but that is hidden by life's complexity and relative changing nature.

Every lucky once in a while we can pierce through the veil of deception into the divine reality. Sometimes we break those boundaries by turning inward and feeling that quietness in meditation- so serene- it is always quiet there,-the noise of life is layered on top of that serenity.

Some other times I feel that two souls can nourish each other enough that the love that flows between them is that same force of divine nature blasting its way through the trivia of life. Giving meaning and freshness to every moment. And through our perceptions and through the love in our hearts we can feel the force that is God- the force of love, of live, of creativity, of intensity and devotion. When we meditate, we tap the source of that great force. When we are together we synergistically pull that out of each other and feel this unexplainable warmth and sweetness and joy inside.

This is all a very loose interpretation of Maharishi's teaching of development of higher states of consciousness. It is my interpretation interwoven with a strong search for understanding the forces in my life. Especially the incredible feelings I have when you are near. Somehow you seem to know just what I need your words always encourage me, your actions help open my eyes and heart and your

stunned by the beauty of the photograph. You are a very special and very beautiful person. If I was trying to capture your beauty, I would have done it the same way. The composition says "I love you" much more than words could ever say.....Hmmmmm

.....I couldn't drive, my eyes were wet (it takes a lot to bring me to tears). I just sat there for about 10 minutes and remembered the excitement and wonderful warmth of being close to you last week...last Thursday night, and especially Friday night. A closeness and warmth I'll never forget. Let's see where did we leave off.....? I'm having trouble finding words to tell you what's in my heart right now. I never dreamed love could be so wonderful shared with you. I never dreamed someone as wonderful as you would ever take a second look at me.....Just a lot of deep, deep sighs tonight. God, how I wish you were here, I want to give you such a big, big hug right now...a long close, tight hug... a take your ear rings off type hug.

This has been a hard week for me. I've missed you an awful

lot.

I'm just so thankful for your love and that we are so right for each other.

Friday 8:25am. Today is a big day. Two people coming to speak. And I'm here early waiting for your call. Hoping I'll find the right words to say. I guess the roses said it so well last week. Your smile when you saw them also made he warm.

3:30 Friday I must hurry to get this in the mail. Our meetings went very well today. I didn't have much time to think about you, but we accomplished great things as far as our program goes. I really miss you. I did think of being with you in the canoe at University Lake around noon time. You looked so beautiful in your swimsuit and shorts. I couldn't take my eyes off of you during the whole time.... Sigh....Another day of sighs. I hope you have a good weekend. I will think of you often, and I'll wonder what you are doing from time to time. And I'll blow a lot of kisses to you, so if you feel those warm breezes it is just me. I'll also hold the blue marble very, very close. I'm going to pick up

your disk at the Post Office and mail this one. I'm already

Music-that knows no country, race or creed but gives to each according to his need."

Music is the language of God.

It is a more subtle form of communication, therefore more satisfying and also because of its subtlety, can break the boundaries of spaсе- that distance between us.

Now I ask you-am I getting too religious...?

I received a greeting card from Grace on September 14th (A "COUPLES CARD", purple with hearts and a small window showing two people on a starry night with a heart above their heads, the outside reads 'OUR SECRET LOVE....", inside '....IS MY SECRET JOY.'

Grace had written on the inside "...and my inner strength! We are not alone - these cards are selling. My deepest love to you.

Friday AM

Just spoke to you on the phone. It's so hard to hang you up. To be talking to you, then have to press "OFF". There's a switch that toggles between my life with you and my life with my family and house and work...... Both are very sweet. Sometimes they overlap. When they overlap though, I am only half of myself to either life at that time. I wouldn't be completely focused on you or the family-I'd be straddling both, 'looking through glass' at both.

What I wanted to say on the phone that wasn't appropriate for the phone wires was something about the passion and energy that I feel only when you are near. It surprises me. It goes away when you go away. It is not something that can be fabricated. At least not the real intensity of it. One could do a good acting job and have no feelings. But you light some fire in me and give it the fuel to flare long into the night.

I have no idea where all of this would go. You and I. I search for answers. I pray for strength to continue as we are. I think we can. We have no choice. I must remember the ways you strengthen me from within, and try not to let relative boundaries like space and time frustrate me. We have a love that breaks the boundaries.

Got to go to kindergarten....Until next time. (No 'goodbye's allowed) God bless you.

Recycled labels

Recycled Diskmailer

Recycled Disk

Recycled Stamps! (uncanceled)

New Words

More love

Hope the sun is shining in your heart.

I wrote back on Monday morning September 24th, 1990

It's a brisk sunny morning and I'm at work. I want to start a letter to you, so I'll have somebody to tell what I'm really thinking. I miss you, I try to remember that blissful feeling when you are near me, but it doesn't come. Sometimes when I'm not expecting it a feeling of your presence will come over me. And I will smile and wonder how it happened. The feeling is one of sweetness and wholeness and wonderment. I still can't put it into words. I too find the feelings are hard to catch now. I only have a few places around here where I can go to remember feelings. The White Flint Parking lot, the Lake Frank parking lot, and your room across the hall. O.K. it's 9 o'clock and I must get working. I miss you. When I called you last night I wished I could reach out and touch you just as easily.

"I'd like to live out all of my dreams, And if I could - yes, if I could, The nicest one would be with you, You'd be here with me.." (And I'd never be lonely..)

It still is good to hear your voice. I know we shouldn't talk every day on the long distance line. But hearing your voice, makes the sunshine on my day. I will try to cut down on the calls,

Just got off the phone with you. Operator never came back to ask for more money. I called "O" 2X to see if I owed anything. They couldn't tell me. Hope the charge doesn't come through to you... If so tell them I was checking on the Quarterly Report-

It's hot summer time here again.

Got to pick up Boy Child.

I love you!

Have a great week -

Sorry - no chocolate or pretty card -

On October 1st Grace replied to my many questions on the Lotus file.

Do you like the morning or evening better?

evening

If you turned on the radio right now what song would you like to hear?

Somewhere

Where was your favorite "Somewhere"?

Galveston Bay, me too! (I could say "boo" and you say "me too!!"???)

What do you like most about me? your spontaneity, creativity, intellect, romanticism, your warm gentle caring nature, the incredible way you make me feel when you are near, etc., ...not in that order....

If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? That you lived closer

Name one thing that really grates your nerves? incompetence. And slow poke drivers.

If you could spend a day in any place in the world where would it be? Swiss Alps- snow covered, but warm enough for a hefty sweater. Bright sunshine, genuine Swiss chocolate..., green pastures below with sheep grazing, Lake Lucerne in the hazy distance.....

Who would be with you?

YOU -of course.

If Ed McMann called and gave you ten million dollars what would be the first thing you would buy?

Time. Time to stop this busy paced life. Time for reading and studying- for rest and traveling.

Do you wish I would change my dietary habits? you do what is best for you

Do you wish I wouldn't drink beer? you do what is best for you...

Do you dream about me? yes

What are we doing? sleep dreams unclear: everyday things- but feelings are soft and warm: day dreams are very passionate....

I there something that you want to tell me, but just can't? somethings

What is it?

I wish I could talk to you more about (to quote Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy:): "Life, the Universe and Everything". About why we are here, where we are going and those corny things people don't usually talk about....

Do you think I'm too mushy and romantic? NO!! I love your romanticism! Never too much mush.

Did you know it took a week for my abrasions, scrapes, and scratches to heal?

no

Did you have any? I don't know what you mean

I thought I'd edit your entry which I what I do with all your words.. I really wish I could know you better, too.... So.. here are a few for you: if you don't mind... Just type your answer and press return!

What do you want to be doing five years from now? I responded: Doing great things, as part of a great team to prevent cancer in future generations.

Ten years? Directing a major national scientific program to better the present and future health of everybody.

Where was your favorite "Somewhere"? On the "Spirit of America" dinner cruise on the Potomac especially on the top deck in the misty rain.

What do you like most about me? (I ask you your questions:) Your sweet disposition, your quest for understanding, your adventurous nature, the coherence of your mind with mine, AND... your ability to make fireworks light up the sky (not in order).

If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? I would like you to be about 300 miles closer. Also please don't crack your knuckles, unless you really need to turn me off.

Name one thing that really grates your nerves? Telephone solications and surveys at mealtime.

If you could spend a day in any place in the world where would it be? Salt Cay, a small island off Grand Bahama Island, with my snorkel gear, my catamaran sailboat, and my double hammock.

Who would be with you? A very close friend who is also adventurous enough to go snorkeling with only a face mask and snorkel tube, would discuss

state. I told her that even though her body was not functioning, her mind could still be active. And the one thing she COULD do was to meditate. The process would help to heal and to smooth her shocked system. She scrunched her face up when I told her to meditate. That was either a "get out of here" scrunch or a "yes, okay, I'll try" scrunch.

(A card I received from Grace a few days later- yellow with tiny red hearts and a bunny traveling down a path between the heart shaped tulips, it's raining with a rainbow in the sky) (Front text

"We can find joy in anything when we look at it with our hearts" Inside text says "There can be joy in a warm summer rain, And peace in a dewy morning fog."

And quiet, gentle strength in the music of the laughter we share with those we love. I'm so glad we're friends.

November 7, Wednesday, 1990

A year (or so) later at a spot where I wrote a sad, lost & lonely letter to you. At the top of the tower at Jones Park. It's warm, yellow orange and brilliant today. I have recarved some initials behind me. Watching my growing boy play, I stop and think of how you've helped me grow this year. While I felt lost and "abandoned" last year I feel more confident and capable this year. You help me believe in me & pick me up when I'm down. You have been a real inspiration. It is interesting how Howard commented - "The best thing that happened (career-wise) is that Richard left you" - forced me to grow.

I'm sorry your mailbox has gotten so cold. Maybe this chocolate will help warm it up.

Last Tuesday with you was so brilliant too- But my heart was very heavy that day. Howard's mother's condition was foremost on my mind. The cathedral was so powerful. I felt emotions welling up inside but stopping-right near my throat - I wouldn't let them out. I felt as if they'd get the "all" of me. I was holding back emotions for you because of the little one. So, in the powerful presence of God and beauty & you, I had all these blocks. So if all I could so is stare and smile that day-I apologize.

There are lots of changes in the air. I can feel the turbulence.

Things float around in my head that don't resolve - only to settle out

later & make sense.

I'll work on your questions - mental gymnastics-I wish you sunshine and bliss - everyday!

I love you! (Orion stars) "Cheers"

I wrote back Friday morning 11-9-90

Last quarter of the moon and Orion appears late in the cold clear sky.

And into this night I do whisper "Bless you and keep you and good-nite". We are deep into autumn. The bright foliage is past, some trees are bare, some half bare. Lots of raking to be done. New ideas for spring meetings. Hoping this winter will not be as cold as last.

Been calling lots of people, such as David (the famous), Robert (the also famous), etc. about the Jacksonville meeting. Meeting new people, faxing messages all over the country (and Canada). I am still really enjoying this job. I hope you get to this point in your life, where you are pushed to do your best with little scut work in between. But I enjoy going to work each day and I feel that I'm doing something really important. And maybe that's all one can hope for. I'm also busy setting up the December trip. I would like to stay at the Guest House (formerly Pickett Inn). Maybe you could pick me up at the airport Thursday night and drive me there. I will probably have to go to ABC on Friday sometime officially, so that they pay for the whole trip. And

maybe you could take me to RDU on Saturday AM. I hope to see you later this month. Hope you can stop and stay with us.

I'm wishing you the strength to do all those important things you need to do. I know you'll need it especially with your family ordeals right now. I can only pledge to help you in any way I can. I can be very flexible as far as any contract things go. The AAC abstract and the GRE exams I have no control over. But soon

they will be behind you. We'll need to work on the final report when I'm there.

I still think about you a lot. I still think about us a lot. It's been 18 months since I left. I think I'm adjusting little by little. There are so many warm memories over these 18 months. And a lot of times I can feel you are with me in spirit. That makes is easier and I don't get as lonely. Some nights I'd give anything for a hug. Bless you for being my closest friend. me

Grace writes back to me a day later....

Nov 9.

I want to send this to you. So you don't think I don't write to you anymore...

Somehow I feel that when I sit to the computer that I should create some masterpiece of thousands of bytes. You will get notes more often if you don't mind them being short. Here are the words to my version of "Oh Holy Night":

"All through the night, I felt your love beside me With every breath, every dream that we shared. So tenderly we held each other tightly With reserve of a passion so rare."

(refrain)

"God only knows how strong our love has grown And only the Lord by his grace can guide us on, I pray 'Dear God bless our love- our secret love'. And in the day, we shared the sun and rainbows As we walked where the sea meets the land Wishing to find more times like this together They are so few and they're so hard to plan. You give me strength and courage to continue This precious love that no one understands.

God only knows how strong our love has grown And only the Lord by his grace can guide us on, I pray 'Dear God bless our love- our secret love."

The words go with Mannheim steamroller's version of OHN but not necessarily the way you would sing it in church.

We'll sing it together when you get here in December.

I MISS YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

I wrote back later in the week.... November 21, 1990

I got to work this morning with a big smile and a happy heart, thanks to you. I'll be thinking of you all week, wish I could talk to you somehow this week. I wanted to stay this morning but it didn't seem right somehow. I should be able to stay and visit till you go. Our time is so brief. Vitamins. Believe. Sorry I'm so picky about spelling. You have great plans for the future. I feel sorry I can only help you on one of the things that make you happy. Just having you close makes me happy, I thought of you all last night, and felt good having you in the next room. Thanks for insisting that you stop in MD.

I'm sorry for the confusion about the California trip, I too felt funny after we talked. I don't want to put you into such positions where you're pulled both directions. I will go if I can spend lots of time with you; otherwise I would rather go to the TCA meeting in June. Do I sound selfish? Wanting you all to myself for two days?

I would be dreamy.

Grace writes

Today is: November 2nd, now NOVEMBER 20

I know you seen this format before, but I still would like to know you better because I'm still trying to figure out who you are. If I'm too personal, just say NOYB

You see if I know you better then I'll know....how to make you happier, and understand what you feel....

Who is Grace? (25 words or less)

I am one soul out of about five and a half billion souls on one

I would favor that over jeopardizing our friendshipelationship- whateveritis. What IS it?

Do you think I should shave my mustache off?

No- It is very handsome and becoming on you.

Do you like to go to circuses?

Yes, except I don't like to see the circus performers sad. Which I think some of them are.

What is your favorite circus act?

The people that fly through the air with the greatest of ease...

Would you go snorkeling with me sometime?

Give me the chance.

With only your snorkel? Do I get a face mask?

Have you changed the way you think about yourself in the past year?

I feel more confident in my work.

I feel less in control over the balance in my life. I feel my heart has grown.

Do you sometimes wish you were somebody different?

No. There is nobody in this world that I would like to trade places with.

Did you ever have a nickname? My sister Beth used to call me "doodle-bug". Then I went by Jules for a while.

How you ever played an organized sport?

Volleyball at camp (our team was the best) and later played under the great coach Richard Orion- you may have heard of him.