The greatest love story

chapter 3

Our Second Year - 1990

WHAT FOLLOWS IS a series of letters, cards, floppy disks, emails, and other forms of communication. The words that Grace wrote are in italics, my words written to Grace are in bolded text,

It was the beginning of 1990, and I wrote a letter to Grace.

It's 11:26pm on January 6th. Another Saturday night and I'm up late, just wanting to say a few words to you. Again I am thinking of "us". Strange how the force of love pulls at me. I was out shopping today and got stuck in the card section of a local store, trying to find a card to say what I feel. I found some that say what I feel, but know I wouldn't send them since they would tell you too much about me. See, I'm still guarding my feelings too. I found one and it was right, so hope you like it. I guess you got it last week. I wish you a sweet goodnight, and I hope all is well for you. Love....Richard

I didn't know it but Grace was writing to me that same day. She wrote:

The sun's coming out. I'm in the dining room and the rainbows are out! Its Saturday I'm working on holiday cards. Listening to Barber's Adagio CD. Misty eyed here too. Thank you for your data and extensively footnoted disk. My dear have you always been so sweet and sentimental? I drove home from work last night - it was not yet 10:00 PM so I made a detour so I would still be in the car at 10:00. I went by your old house - It's not yours anymore different cars (4) different feeling (the tree houses still standing). No, this place is not yours anymore -Your office at work has been rearranged - it took me a long time before I'd move anything. All these things are superficial. What is in my heart is stronger than ever. You are a very, very special man that no matter what time does to us, that I will always hold a soft warm place in my heart for.

I wish that you could write as eloquently and graciously to (your

wife) I really want you to be happy and when you say things at home are "well okay.. "you're not convincing. I may be totally out of line here, but I'll say it anyway. I just don't want you all to end up like my folks -Mamma talked yelled, got disgusted with things & Daddy never said much in return - just retreated into his books. They didn't communicate. They weren't happy. They were also 2 very different people which is so obvious now. So don't retreat into your headphones - argue back -resolve the conflicts. Maybe that's not your situation at all. Maybe it's none of my business. But your happiness is my business. This one is especially for you!

You can cut up the photo (a rose that I had given to her-wedged in her cleavage) if you wish...Sending best wishes to all my friends today and especially to you! Love !!!"

Her letter continued

So- if you pardon my tangent...As far as your 'tangent" of describing the past years and how we ended up working together - my memories are mostly of having the highest respect for you and wanting to work as best as I could for you. I remember feeling frustrated at times when you gave me freedom + independence to work things out but I didn't get much feedback -I was looking for constructive criticism and remember feeling unsure if I was doing things right. I especially remember sharing an office with you - how honored I was that you would share space with a lowly secretary like me. So close and yet so far......

I hope to be able to take you up on your "date in May". It sounds wonderful. Although I'm not a very good dancer. Be sure to wear your steel-toed shoes so if I step on your toes they won't break.

Thank you for your offer!

Yes and you are my TIME Magazine MAN of the YEAR - you've pushed me to new levels in work in learning, going to school, suggesting that I may be successful working towards a Ph.D. -(I'd never seriously considered it before you encouraged me). And for making me feel so wonderful when I'm around you.

I miss you and I miss the bliss that I feel when you are around. There is something you do just your presence makes me feel so

different-wonderful inside.

I will end this little book. I thank God for you too! I never tire of your sweet "mush". No one ever wrote like that to me before - Love!! you!!

On the very next day I wrote on a card to Grace: January 7, 1990 4:40pm

It's a nice Sunday afternoon, glad I don't have to work on weekends. I don't seem to have homework like I used to. Just wanted to say "HI !" One of the cards I saw in the store yesterday said "You're the Twinkie in my brown bag of life". I would have bought it if it had said "truffle" instead of Twinkie. The Steven Hawkings' tapes I've been listening to are very enlightening. He talks about basic forces in the Universe. You know the weak force and the strong force and gravitational force. Well there may be other forces that we haven't discovered. Like the force I feel at 10 pm. These forces don't travel by waves, because each body feels them instantaneously at the same time, sometimes over long distances. Have we developed the ability to sense these forces, because we let our minds sense them, or do we trick our minds into thinking things that aren't really there. Thanks for listening, I miss you...

Only two days later I wrote:

Thanks for calling me today. Your voice makes me happy. I just wish that you could come to my office and enjoy the white snow falling softly outside. It is beautiful. And thanks for the disk of thoughts. I am learning more and more about you. The more I learn the more I'm amazed that you could do so much in one day. You need to reorganize this spring and catch up. Especially with your son demanding constant attention. I will only ask for a few days of your time this spring. I wish I could share more of my real world with you. No, I wouldn't feel comfortable at your parent's house at Christmas. And I pictured you at my house with all my relatives there, it didn't fit either. I'm happy we both feel the same about most things. Of course I wouldn't mind spending Christmas with you somewhere where the sand is white and the

water is warm, and Santa wears shorts and rides a golf cart.

However, my fantasy world with you is fantastic. I have such lovely dreams now. Sometimes they are so real; I think you are really there. Sometimes I guess my brain believes what my senses tell it to be real. Changing the subject, I am so happy with my new job. I really feel like a musical conductor. "More violins! Softer Cellos! Bring up the brass!" I enjoy building the program the way I think it should. And maybe best of all, my boss and others here have built my confidence up, so that I now believe in my talents for making the best music or at least improving it. The downside is not having you as my 1st violinist, right next to me. Someday I would like to work with you again. I think we are synergistic as professionals too! Although I don't say enough about it, I really did and do enjoy working professionally with you. I think it's amazing we can switch gears and work like that without feeling strange.

If you want, I will look for a world-class mentor in Maryland for you to work with. I know several very good people who are doing very exciting work. I could only explore the possibility, if you want. There are just some really great professionals here, and if you are serious about finding another mentor to learn from, how could you find a better one? Would it be too indiscreet to send you the Washington Post classified ad for your husband that is. I don't know what he does. You would like Maryland, I'm sure you would find it an exciting place to live.

In February I sent Grace a greeting card and it said inside :

Why do I like to be with you and talk to you all the time? I believe more and more in that special force between us. My receptors really miss you and they need recharged. I was trying to find words to describe my feelings but the words were falling short of what I had to say.

Grace wrote back to me a few days later.

Good Evening! It is an incredibly beautiful, celestial evening - the moon is so bright and it's warm enough to linger and enjoy the blue haze lighting up the forest. I like to think I live in the forest -in a tree

house - that's what it feels like looking south - looking north - it's just another neighborhood.

It was a great day at the Zoo. Very few people there and the animals were frisky - having a warm sunny day after so much cold. I asked my son which animal he liked best and he said "the tram" (train) (cute!). He was more interested in the heaters mounted to the ceiling & where the switch might be. The little brain doesn't stop!

Ah... I really like this time of the evening (10:00 pm) all's quiet. I

wonder where you might be what you are feeling- if you are happy.

Thank you again for the memories of '89. What a treasure chest. It is

sad how some years pass and you can't remember a thing from the

whole year. Like what did I do in 1981? or '86? The memories may be

gone but what I did to structure who I am remains. I'm happy to have

'89 so well documented Two apologies: (1) that this letter is so

boring and (2) that the last letter was somewhat negative. I didn't

want it to be that way but my recollections of it are that it was

somewhat negative. What I am positive is that I miss you and love you

and would give anything to have you here for, well, just an hour?

Grace signed her letters with a little red heart that had a curly tail on it. I was never really sure what it meant. Sweet love-I imagined...

Later in January she wrote to me again.

What a golden opportunity to stop and write to you. I feel like it's been ages! It's Monday nite, and I missed talking with you today, I was at work, but not many others. I thought of calling you at home, then decided against it. Today I've had a good chance to catch up with a lot of things- rest, family time, cleaning house. I'm happy to say that I'm feeling much better and balanced. Before I get back to work here, I'd like to send you a big hug, and a goodnight kiss, how I miss those. Goodnite.

You are so good about writing, almost every day... Does thinking count, if I don't get to the computer to write down my feelings? I'd like to know more about your new visions into physics, via Steven

Hawkins. I always had a healthy respect for physics, though I don't

understand much of it. I received from MIU (Maharishi International

University) a 125 pg. paper written by John Hagelin, a researcher in particle physics, called "Restructuring Physics from its Foundation in Light of Maharishi's Vedic Science". It relates the understanding of the unified field of physics to the understanding and experience of unified field of consciousness. I'll have to read on and report to you. Maybe that is the force we feel at 10:00 pm, not so much mood making but a cosmic connection through the unified field. It's instantaneous, doesn't need wave forms to be generated, we just meet in the ocean of collective consciousness. Heavy, huh

And the letter continued:

We're outside on a spring-like day. In a playground next to Moorehead planetarium and the Arboretum. It was a chilly night when last you were here. The stars were bright and we kept warm or was it just the hot curry? It's a beautiful day. I'm thinking of you. Watching the sun go down behind the Methodist Church's steeple.

Thanks for calling this morning after all. Even when I don't get to speak with you - I think of what I want to write to you and I don't feel too distant.

This letter is a little disjointed and I am writing smaller than I can read. My vision is changing + when my lenses are in, everything is too sharp. Love to you, dear!

Later in January Grace sent me a card that said on the outside-

"Do you have any idea how much you've changed my life? Inside the card it said

"It's a wonderful feeling, made all the more special because I know this is just the beginning of the understanding and trust we will share.

Grace then continued in her own words:

keeping your mailbox warm thanks for keeping my heart

warm..

I wish I had written the above but at least if it's not original - it is what I want to say.

I love you.

A few days later Grace wrote

POW! you just knocked me over the head! I was working on my final summary and then I thought Whoops! when is it 10:00? ..and there it was and there you were. Thanks for reminding me! I only have a minute then I have to get finished my work. I'm getting addicted to this stuff... see what you are doing to me? I'm addicted to the computer and to shuffling papers. Life goes by and my child grows older. Don't let me miss anything!!

I'm rambling, I know, so let me get back to this fancy report and do some more rambling there. Thanks for spending 10:00 with me in this bedroom goodnite.

In early February Grace send me a Mannheim Steamroller cassette tape called "Yellowstone" and this short story to go with it.

To go with the tape. Read first, then while listening to the tape, spend the day with me, and fill in the blanks.

A Sketch of a Dream:

The nite air was chilly outside, but it was warm and humid inside

the tent. We kept close and warm all nite, exhausted from the trip into

the park and from too many months of all work and no play. But the

morning air woke us early, with the birds, and we were completely

refreshed, purified by the wilderness called Yellowstone. Early to rise,

you built the fire, I made the breakfast. We ate in silence, digesting

the magnificence of our dining room. The campsite was by the river,

in the woods. We tied everything down and left on foot for the ranch

to rent a pair of horses for the day. Still early, we saddled and you

gave me a brief lesson on how to talk to our equestrian friends, and

we were on our way. Most of the morning we followed the river,

laying low between the mountains. We talked of dreams, wishes, we

kept taking mental snapshots. Stopping by the river we filled our

water jugs and horses, and after lunch headed for the trail that went

to the top of the largest mountain. The fields were in full spring bloom

and each delicate flower petal was bursting with color. We rubbed

our eyes and pinched each other to remind ourselves this was not a

dream. Getting close to the top we stopped and rested, set the horses

in the mountaintop pasture to graze while we stretched out on a

blanket surrounded by an impressionist watercolor meadow of

flowers. Time dissolved into eternity as we lay together, speaking in

whispers, watching the clouds,. OH MY GOD! The clouds, out of

nowhere came the biggest blackest parade of thunderclouds. Giving

us no time to take cover, we found ourselves in the midst of nature's

grandest firework display. We grabbed the horses huddled together

and the deafening thunderstorm suddenly left, as quick as it came.

Completely drenched, we embraced and exchanged emotions equal to

the electricity that had just come out of the sky. The sun burst through

the clouds, and the sky was filled with a rainbow that seemed to end

right at our feet. We dried out as we slowly climbed the last 500 feet

to the very top of the mountain. We were so high; we could hear the

angels singing. They sang louder and louder, the celebration of the

joy of creation and of love. "Jubilate Deo" "All nature sings and

round me rings the music of the spheres". Looking from the top, over

all creation we felt a deep silence inside, this grand magnificence

localized in our hearts. Infinity captured in that time and space.

"Alleluia"

Someday... With Love, Me

I wrote back to Grace-

It's a late Wednesday afternoon and everyone's gone home, even the sunshine. I guess it was a good day. I don't remember what we talked about today it seemed so long ago since this morning. I will miss your voice tomorrow. I guess we have to learn to live apart. It's hard, very hard for me. Even though it's been seven months now since I left you in NC. You usually sound so happy on the phone. I miss you whole big bunches. I miss your sunshine. Tomorrow is another day to accomplish good things.

I found some quiet time at home in my office. Trying to work on this review. Thinking of you. I wonder what I will feel like 4 weeks from now. You will probably be gone home and I'll be alone. I hope we're both happily floating in the clouds. I just need a couple days of heaven again, it has been so long. Longer than I

can remember the feelings. I can't even remember what you feel like in my arms.

Grace sent me another card -

On the outside there is a bright moon with sparkly rings on a dark sky and text that said:

"All alone in a midnight sky, the moon graces the darkness with silken, silent beauty."

Inside the card it read "Wish you were here."

A hand written note added inside says

....a ten o'clock sky! It's been a long day - not talking to you. Here's the words to the West Side Musical "Somewhere" as I remember them:

I feel so far away from you now - melancholy and blue - On the other hand I feel so proud of you in your new niche; and happy that you are happy + growing and I admire you for picking up and moving - as hard as it was on you all. I have an even greater respect for you! I hope you'll still talk to me when you're famous! -

I am very anxious to see you again. At the same time I feel like it's been so long, I won't know how to act. And I wonder if after so much time, I am to you as I really am and not the lady in your dreams and I hope we don't get these mixed up. I mean we think of each other in so many abstract ways - and when we really get to see each other can we live up to those 'dreamy' expectations? Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm meeting you all over, when you return. Old friends who've grown in different ways who need to catch up? My dearest wish?

It is to be with you - to meditate with you to grow to be our best, with you!

(Maybe to work together again someday) TO be closer in distance oh dear the list gets longer and they are all the dearest of all wishes -

I love you

Toward the end of January I wrote to Grace these words-

It was a beautiful sunny Saturday, and I thought of you often today. Just wondered what you were doing, probably visiting with your friend Linda and talking old times. Tonight, as I was out getting wood for the fireplace, I looked up and saw our constellation (Orion) and wished a toast to you.. I wished that you were happy, and wished that you were here - just for a hug. I was so cold outside. I've read your Yellowstone story a dozen times so far and it is so sweet. I've filled in the story between the lines and it's pure excitement and a beautiful love story. I really love the music. Thanks again. Maybe we can listen to it together sometime. It's almost 10pm. Time to spend a few minutes with you.

Here I am again. After talking to you I felt a little sad since I

couldn't be with you and make you happy inside again. Then I got

your letter, it was a very nice card full of sweet thoughts and

special meanings. Thanks for the words to "Somewhere". I'm

sorry you're melancholy and blue, I feel that way too on some

days. Other days I'm so happy that we have what we have. Of

course I'll still talk to you when I'm famous, but it could be a very

long time. I'd settle for well-loved any day. I share the same

feelings about when we meet next month after so long apart. I just

want to hold you so tight look into your beautiful eyes, and feel

that wonderful feeling of being close to you. I will try to control

myself and act casual but I can't promise you a miracle. We could

start by saying "hello" again. When you are in person you are

better than my dreams, don't worry. I will try to be better in

person than your dreams. You dearest wishes sound like mine. I

hope they all come true. I hope I remain in your dreams. Life is

an endless parade of choices and decisions, and if you're

persistent and want it bad enough, you can reach some of those

dreams

I had to go to the Post Office to mail your last disk and buy stamps. As I was driving I kept thinking- "what is it about you that has stolen my heart?" Let's see You are one of the most mentally beautiful people I have ever known. You are physically very beautiful and extremely attractive to me. But it's more than the sum of those two attributes, more than the square, must be

some higher power function. Then there is the attraction of souls

between us, something like gravity, the closer we are the stronger

it gets. And this is a very powerful force that operates at large distances. Then there seems to be a real energy exchange when we touch. This force and energy between us really surprised me this past year. I've never known such wonderful bliss. And leaving you time and time again makes my bliss receptors ache for more substrate. That's the loneliness feeling. Then after a few weeks apart, the receptors quiet down, but I still feel my heart being pulled by you. All in all I'm convinced it's LOVE. A really wonderful love that has blessed our lives. And even though we share our lives and love with our married partners, I hope we still have room in our hearts to love one another. I want it to benefit our lives. We have to use this force for strength to do good things. That was a lot of thinking for one trip to the Post Office. Last Valentine's Day I only dreamed about telling you how much I loved you. And this Valentine's Day I have trouble finding the words to express how much I love you.

Goodnite!

It is the last day of January! I just realized that I haven't gotten to see you this year yet. I too don't know how to act when I see you next month. I guess I'll not worry about it and just be myself, I don't believe in acting when I'm with you anyway. I hope you like me for what I am. The more I've learned about you the more I've loved. You're more than I dreamed last year, and next year you will probably be more than I dreamed this year. When I think of you as an "angel in a long white gown", the "angel" refers to your sweetness and caring, and the fact that I feel like I'm in heaven when we're close. The "white" to your purity of spirit and the "long gown" to your "classy style". My wish is that we can live in harmony with our families forever. You with your family, me with my family, and us with each other. I know it's tough and confusing at times. But I hope we become at ease in our souls about it. Even happy about it. I see so many people unhappy with their lives, and I feel blessed to be as happy as I am. And I wish we could freely love each other and not be looking over our shoulder all the time, for fear someone finds out.

Grace replied a few days later...

I have just hung up the phone from talking to you. You're soft voice

has warmed my day. It's been a wonderful week having Shema here. She has so much to say and we could talk all night. Coming from two completely different backgrounds I feel like we share so much. She has been teaching me to make some very authentic Indian curry dishes. They are easy and good! I have found lately that I am coming out of my isolation. I have kept to myself for so long, not really being able to share feelings, or wanting to, or maybe not having anyone close enough to listen. You have helped a lot in this, by allowing me to "think out loud" as I talk or write to you. And there has always been a sense of "I don't need anyone else" attitude I've had. And now that I open up a little, I find a few wonderful kindred souls, with whom I feel comfortable in speaking and sharing and learning from. That sentence needs editing but you know what I mean? I will revise the above. I am not completely open and fluent with you. I feel I must chose words carefully, and be sure the sentence structure is acceptable. The student/teacher relationship predominates. We sure play a lot of roles for each other. Do they ever confuse you too? I think we have done pretty well combining them all.

If you seem to get a rush on your mailbox Mondays or Tuesdays, it's because I have these Thursdays to stop, think, and write to you. The other days - I only stop and think of you. So you come on down in three weeks, we'll plan a big snow storm where you will have to stay for two weeks, and be house bound with a cozy crackling fire, and some hot cocoa, and time together with time to spare, time to learn, time to care... ...plus or minus a few details.

Take care, my good friend.

I received a card in early February. On the front is a watercolor tree and daisies with the text -

"Even though we don't get to see each other often, I still think of you all the time, I guess when people know each other, as well as we do, they don't need the constant reassurance of each other's presence to keep them close."

Grace wrote inside:

Yeah I know that sounds good, and it is true but it doesn't really substitute for you here in person. But it's the best we can do - and