The greatest love story

chapter 4

it is good we grow when we're apart in our lives + families + professions and we grow when we're together in our hearts and spirit.

Love you!

A week later I wrote back

Again it was good to hear your voice on the phone today. I

missed talking to you yesterday. Thirty minutes goes so fast when

I talk to you. Sixty-eight days down only 10 to go, GOD it's been a

long time since I visited you. I'm sorry you were melancholy

today, but I understand. I don't remember your telling me about

your sister. I'm really sorry that you lost her at such an early age.

It must have devastated you as a teenager. I meant to add to this

letter and send it last time, but got confused and added to a

previous one. I hope you understand. Special memories.... your

card was so right for me today - THANKS! It will take longer to

answer your note. I must get things finished around here, and

take off to PA. I hope you have a nice weekend, I'll think of you a

couple hundred miles more distant, I hope the waves (or energy)

somehow reaches you and makes you warm.

I wrote a letter a week or two later.

I made a trip to visit my parents in Pennsylvania. It still feels

somehow good to visit the very home where you grew up. While

the carpet and wall paneling are different, some of the same

things that were there 30 years ago are still sitting in the same

place. The same will always be true of Chapel Hill. I will always

get this warm feeling when I visit there, I hope, knowing

somebody will be happy to see you and greet you warmly. I never

knew how long ten weeks could be. I still have moments when I

intensely miss you. This weekend I was outside looking at the full

moon and Orion, and wishing you were near. I really really

missed you then. This week is a celebration of Love. I have so

much more to celebrate this year than last year. In fact last year

was dismal I will save some celebration for all next week. Won't

worry about next week. I hope we can spend a lot of time

together, but if we can't I'll understand. You have lots of

responsibilities. We'll find some time somehow to catch up. I've

got to get to work now, so that everything's done by Friday. I'm

smiling a big smile for you. Hmmm. And I'm wishing a big wish for you. Sent with love, to you from me.

I was outside looking south tonight at 10 pm and felt a warm wind from the south. Haven't written in a few days because I've been working on something special for this special holiday coming up in 12 days. I'm glad this year to be able to express my feelings more freely. I hope you like the enclosed sweets. I'll get the box in the mail on Monday. You sounded so quiet today on the phone, I didn't know if you were happy or melancholy. I'm quiet some days too, and these are days when I just want to be by myself. Most days I'm happy to be around lots of people. The enclosed "DO NOT OPEN" package is something special I made, it's very original, intended only for your eyes and I really hope you like it.

Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul" ... Democritus. I wish you a warm and sweet goodnite, like some in my memories.

Grace wrote back-

Hi, A few bytes for you. I'm wanother song on the piano - an extension of the first.

Happy February - The Month of Love all mine to you!

Well now's a good time to write waiting in a doctor's office is

guaranteed enough time to write a book!

Just here for a blood test - maybe they can figure out why this body doesn't work right anymore. I bet if I gave it enough sleep it would work fine!

I can't write very well this small. You'll be here in two weeks -I am excited and slightly nervous at the same time.

It's been so long - I don't remember how to be around you. I think that it's been long enough that both of us have found out that we haven't fallen apart, being apart, in fact we are both doing very well in spite of not being closer. That has made me feel funny in a way. Questioning - can a love still be strong even when it doesn't have that need or great big hole associated with missing you.. I'm sure it is still as strong it is just different. Maybe more mature & stable I don't

find as many tears lately - I think I've worked through a lot of things- the insecurity of taking over your work here is gone the final report was my test. Those feelings were so intertwined with my love for you that now that weakness is less then what is left is just a warm strong feeling of love for a wonderful friend.

So with that I can tell you how I feel - knowing you probably feel the same way.

See you soon! Love Grace

Then a Valentine's Day card came in the mail- very white with red letters that say "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY" with a small "Boynton" creature looking up at it. Inside the card read "FROM MUCH TOO FAR AWAY"

In a handwritten note inside: Happy Lover's Day! To all those we love - e- We remember today - I thank you for your love and caring and support I miss your very tender touch I miss looking in your eyes. My senses have become very dull Please come back soon! Grace

Grace wrote a letter to me two days after Valentine's Day to describe her BEFORE MY VISIT feelings

In anticipation of your arrival Monday:

Honestly, I really can't believe that you are coming. I am excited and reserved at the same time. Very anxious to see you and renew all those feelings from when you were here last. But it's been so long that I now doubt those experiences. Within the last 7-8 months I have had so many highs and lows of emotions, and now I feel I don't have any emotions. I feel like I don't feel anything anymore. Maybe as a protective survival type response, not to feel anything is not to be vulnerable. "Don't worry, stay busy, time will go more quickly..." Now I stay busy and my mind is filled with schedules and lists, that it overpowers the heart and doesn't let me take time to do even this. To stop and write, and understand what is happening. I feel like I am an old flashlight with a dim light from batteries almost burnt out. I can't see very well with this light. Even listening to the music that brings you back, or passing a fragrance in the drug store, it's like trying to wake up someone from a deep sleep. I'm groggy with forgetfulness and uncultured receptors.

Please bring me back to earth.

Remind me of how it is to be with you.

(But that is to remind me of how it is to NOT be with you, which I thought I was learning to live with.)

Believe me, sometimes I am very strong and mature and living with the reality of this. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I just can't see where this is going. Please be my friend forever, but don't tell anyone? That's a long time to hold inside something or someone who is so dear. Maybe I haven't learned how to have my heart peacefully exist in two places at the same time. It can be done, but not peacefully. Perhaps, as with all other muscles, exercising and stretching the heart will culture strength and flexibility. ??

I drove down to NC to visit Grace on some supposed business purpose, but really just to see her. I recall feeling wonderful when I saw the "Welcome to North Carolina" sign on I-85. Grace greeted me

at the door and showed me to her guest room downstairs. I thought

"How odd her husband didn't appear to say "Hello" to me". I

remember watching Grace cooking dinner and seeing her, as a typical

housewife and mother. Sigh - I wished things were different and she

would cook for me every night. After a long evening of trying to talk

to her husband (while he fell asleep how rude!!) and Grace

disappearing into her son's room to put him to bed. She must have

fallen asleep in there, so I excused myself and went to bed without

saying "Goodnight" to anyone. Early the next morning Grace came

down to my room and woke me up with a kiss and a loving hand

stroking me under the covers. I was really awake after that!! I could

hear the shower running upstairs and Grace said she could stay until

the water stopped and her husband finished his shower. We kissed

passionately to make up for the lost goodnight kiss. Grace ate

breakfast with me and said "Goodbye" to her husband. No kiss, just a

goodbye wave and he left for work. I said to myself "My God he is

trusting of us". The rest of the morning we kissed and rolled around

on the living room floor like two kids. I said "Good thing we're not

married - I would always be late to work!!!"

We went to the North Carolina Museum of Art and enjoyed walking and talking at Vista Point, a nearby park. We found a lonely spot in the forest under a tree and Grace kissed me passionately below my belt. I looked up at the treetops and said "Thank you God". The next morning after her husband left for work - Grace spread a lot of towels on the bathroom floor and ordered me into the shower where we soaped each other up and then got out of the shower to slip and slide naked on each other on the towels. I had never experienced such wild things in all my years of mundane marriage! We had breakfast at "A Southern Season" and shopped for gifts to take back home. That evening I found a red chocolate heart and a "Goodnight" note under my pillow. When I had to leave Grace's house she gave me a daffodil and a p***y willow branch to take with me to remember my visit. How could I forget such a wonder filled blissful visit? I remember Grace waving from her front steps as I drove away. Sigh....

Then Grace wrote me an AFTER LETTER after my visit to see her in

NC.

After a wonderful week with you:

It took me the whole week for me to undo the damage I had done to my heart by the above "survival techniques". The emotions I was feeling this morning reminded me that when my heart is able to feel what is real, without having to suppress the emotion, then it is truly there and truly strong. I could see throughout the day how many ways I had been suppressing my feelings for you during the last absence. I had to suppress it at work. If I go into your/our office, I could still feel your presence there, even cruising through the WordStar files your words are in there. If I stop to think about you, I'd miss you so much that I wouldn't get anything done. So I mentally slap myself and say "hush". If we would be talking about you, at work, I would put on a cordial front, fearful that any real emotions my come out. "Slap" again. At home, the same thing. Not allowed to think about you, stifling my heart, so it wouldn't hurt. After a few weeks/months of this, I wasn't sure what I felt. What can I do this next time so this doesn't happen?

Your presence is so powerful. When you are here, I feel so comfortable. So full. So in a dreamland. I get so inspired to work hard and really try to be the best I can, to move towards greater things, and work towards my full potential. I can feel the life force again. To see the world through my heart and not just my brain. Seeing hints of spring today like daffodils and forsythia, were not only beautiful, but JUMPED out at me, demanding attention.

It's 10:00, after 10:00 really. I feel this welling up inside. My emotional barometer is measured in tears. It has measured very high today. My dear sweet soul, I miss you so much. I need to work on those heart exercises: to get stronger and more flexible......... It's really hard. How do you do it? God be with you, with us. I love you. Goodnite. Grace

I wrote back the following week Thanks for calling this morning; I needed some reassurance that last week in heaven was not just a dream. Such memories that we made. You are so much to me. I praised you silently in

church yesterday. You nourish and sustain my body and soul, and

give me the energy and will to do well in all that I do. Thank you for the great meals you served at your house. Thank you for arranging the time to spend with me at some very nice restaurants. Thank you for your elegant picnic in the park, with the classical basic food groups: bread and wine and love. And I won't forget your warm goodbye on Friday morning. As I said before, Lord, I'd never get to work on time in the morning, if you were there. You make me feel so good inside, and outside and all in between.

As I sat in your living room on Tuesday night by myself (you were putting to your son bed) I felt so at home, I felt such good vibrations coming from the walls, still resonating from early December. I could still feel the warmth of you beside me listening to Christmas carols. I love your whispers in my ears, although I missed some because my right ear is losing it. Please whisper in my left ear if possible.

I meant all that I said to you last week. I don't have to take back anything, and there's nothing I wished I hadn't said. There are always things that I wished I had said, but couldn't find the words. I tried my best to say that which can't be put into words with loving affections. And I tried to listen intently to your words and loving attentions. Our souls seem to be intertwined in such harmony that when I had to leave on Friday it felt that part of mine was ripped away and left with you and part of yours left with me. I still feel this warm glow in my heart and I know it's part of you.

Grace sent back a card a few days later The front of the card reads "when your hearts find their healing peace-may the gentle gift of hope shine upon you once again... (inside text).. and fill your empty arms."

Grace wrote inside

Only your being here can fill my empty arms! and the hole in my heart. But! It's a beautiful sunshining day and I can't mope around. A week ago this time we were picnicking in the sunshine on a blanket in another space and time.... I am reliving each moment this week saying, "last week at this time..." Hmmmmmm... Enjoyed attending

the meetings with you. Thanks for your counsel + input on my receptor studies. Roundtable discussions also inspiring, informative, and stimulating. Look forward to more of these meetings. Hope your work is going well - Monthly report is on its way...

(Ouch! my heart hurts) Much love to you Grace

I wrote back

This is my early morning visit with you. I found the Art

Museum folder in my glove compartment yesterday, and was

reminded of our stroll through the galleries. It was just so nice

walking with you and sharing the experience and feelings

generated by the paintings and sculptures. You looked so

beautiful in the restaurant where we ate lunch (Crossroads). I try

to remember the feeling of just us two sitting in front of that big

window all alone. I took a mental picture of you there because

I've wanted to go there with you for a long time. I've been trying

to remember all the special moments of last week and put them

into words. I haven't found words for some of them. One I can't

find words for was our water conservation efforts on Wednesday

morning, as we showered together. Such a beautiful experience- I

get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. You are so

beautiful....and getting more so in my eyes that I'm having

trouble finding words to describe you anymore.

Please try to understand when I try.

I missed talking to you yesterday. I sat beside Mary F. at the meeting downtown yesterday. I thought of sending back a note with her telling you the "I received your monthly report", but I decided against it. I miss you so much, I wonder how I make it until we next say "hello". I hope you can come up here this spring, but I realize how much trouble it is for you. We could plan lots of walks in the parks. We have lots of parks. But unless you stay in a hotel we likely won't get much time alone.

I wrote to Grace the following week

Thanks for calling me yesterday. Don't know if I like only talking to you every other day. We've got to cut down the phone calls before someone notices the 2-1/2 hr per week we talk. I'm sitting here eating a little valentine heart, remembering our valentine dinner at the Holiday Inn on Monday night. You looked so beautiful - all evening long....

"Touch me and I'm weak,

A feather in the wind,

Touch me and I'm a flame, a fire out of control."

I guess that's how I felt. My will power and energy were about completely drained by Friday morning. You are an incredibly attractive woman. I still get excited just sitting here thinking about you. No one has ever done that to me before. The amplification factor of a real love and concern for each other just makes our relationship (and yes our kisses) so intensely beautiful. I did feel warm and wonderful last night- especially about 8:30-

9 pm. I felt like taking a shower but didn't. What a wonderful

feeling, just when I thought it couldn't get any better. It's a sunny

morning in Maryland, cool but not cold. Last Thursday I was at

the meeting, I remember waiting for you to come. Then I sensed

your presence and could faintly smell that familiar "White

Linen." scent. I turned around and there you were, radiant and

more beautiful than the day before. My heart began to glow. The

day after that point was so nice. I hope you weren't disappointed

because we didn't go back to the meeting. It was our last hour

together for a while and I just wanted to be with you alone. I'll go

to the Post Office today and see if your letter is there. That will

make my day brighter. I'll always want to know how you feel

about everything. I want to know you better and better and

better. "As the rose unfolds its beauty blossoms" Bye for now.

10 pm same day

I received your letter and disk today and felt very sad after I read them. Grace, I honestly know that I am so very much in love with you. But the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt your heart. Your card had a hole in your heart, the note with the disk said your heart hurt, and the disk spoke about the damage you had

done to your heart. I feel the same hurts too in my heart. I stifle emotions with no release. The last several years my heart ached each time I saw you. I wanted to open my heart to you, but was afraid either that you would say "not interested" or that we would fall in love and be miserable when I left. I decided to risk my heart because the love was so powerful. Maybe it was a bad decision, since I was also risking hurting your heart. I now think that my usually rational mind was overpowered by love. I've never been so in love before with a woman. You said that you didn't know how I did it (coped with missing you). Well, I may be more stoic, and I could cry freely at times, and I think I may feel as bad as you do when we are apart, maybe worse. And I can't show it. I'm surprised that my wife hasn't commented on the many times when I just sit and stare at the wall in the evening. And when my eyes do get wet I say that it's probably just my contacts itching. I do pray that we'll find an answer, I don't want to hurt your heart, I fell in love with your beautiful heart.

I've tried to understand our situation and develop consciousness patterns to help me cope. Sometimes they work for me. While sometimes my love for you seems boundless, there are limits which I feel. I think you have made similar ones.

1. I don't love you enough to leave my family and run away with you.

2.

I don't love you enough to quit my new job and move

back to NC.

3. I don't love you enough to tell the whole world and risk hurting our families

4. I do love you enough that I want you to stay with your beautiful family.

5. I do love you enough that I don't want to harm your marriage.

6.

I do love you enough that I won't try to talk you into

moving to MD.

7. I do love you enough that I don't want to hurt you ever in any way.

8. I do love you enough that the joy far outweighs the pain in my heart.

9.

I do love you enough that I can put the brakes on the most basic and powerful force known to man. And my GOD is it hard to do.

10.

And I love you enough that I want it to last beyond my last breath.

And so I try to ignore the loneliness aches and painful holes in my heart. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it does hurt a lot. And since I have no previous experience in these feelings I don't know what to do yet. I'm hoping an answer will appear magically.

The alternative is to cool this relationship and not fan the fires when we meet. It would be very hard for me to give up that part of our relationship. When we are together I feel so in heaven, so blissful so wonderful. I wonder how I or we could stop. Are we over our heads yet?

So in weighing the alternatives, I know that I meant the red rose I gave you, and I know I meant each and every kiss. And I don't want to stop if we can stand the pain associated with stifling our emotions. Otherwise tell me and I'll do whatever causes you the least pain. At least you'll know how much I've loved and do love you. And I look forward to seeing you and saying "hello" again.

I wish you faith to dream spirit - to live joyfully peace - to enfold you and love - fill your soul me.

Grace sent a cute card to me. On the front there was a calendar of a month of missing you notes and on the inside it read - "as you can see, I've been keeping busy since you've been gone"

She wrote inside:

For the calendar watcher! (See day 22) See also day 29!

Thanks for calling again today! And sorry about all the disconnections! I didn't mean to come off negatively when I say I miss you it's just that the emotions are strong and sometimes overwhelming but the bottom line is that this whole situation is wonderful - getting to know you better and having such a close friend! It's hard, but it's wonderful. I love you. Grace

I replied in a series of letters.

It was a sunny morning as I walked from the parking garage - the birds were cheerful as I walked over the square red bricks up to the tall glassy building where I worked. As I walked through the revolving door I thought of you and wondered what you were doing at 8:10am on a bright Wednesday morning. Few people were around as I walked down the marble steps and held the chrome handrail. The gray carpet muffled my footsteps. Through another set of revolving doors and outside again, the cracking sand beneath my feet resonated between the buildings. It was about 25 F and I could see my breath. I remembered feeling the warmth of your breath when I held you close. But I pushed into my building through still another revolving door, and greeted the guard, and walked up the steps to the second floor. Now I could hear my heart. The hallways were empty and the phones were silent. A good time to talk to you. And so I send my love.

8:50am

I'm a little later than usual, a slow start, I guess. Just now

sitting at my desk. Your last card also looks like my calendar of

months without seeing you. I do seem to be doing better this time

than before. My heart still longs to be with you, but I guess I've

finally accepted certain realities and realized that we just can't

give up that which is most valuable to us. I do love you more each

day, but there are parts of our lives that we will never share. But

maybe they are the boring parts anyway. As I write this I don't

know where this is going. I still can't find the right words to

express how special you are and how I love both you and my

family and I don't want to ever lose either one. I am just so

fortunate and joyous to be able to love both, yet always worried

that it all falls apart someday. I don't think it will, and I'll do

everything I can to prevent it. Your family will give you much

more satisfaction and pleasure than I could ever give you. You

and I will have times together and times apart, and will share as

much as we can. I still do enjoy working with you and enjoy

watching you create, learn, question, and produce good scientific

work. Don't underestimate your talent, you have great potential

(now if you could find the time). So look in the mirror and say

"I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I can do more", because you have done well and you can do more. And while you're there in front of the mirror look at how beautiful you are.

You are an incredibly attractive woman. Hmmmmm.

I've got to get to work now. Remember I love you whole bunches and I hope I can see you this or next month. Bye.

Monday morning

It's a bright sunny warm morning and I just wanted to say "Hi". I kinda feel blah today. I feel a fever and the old muscles ache, think I'm coming down with something. I've been lucky this winter so far. Guess it's my turn. I'm sorry that you were sick last week. Wish I could have been there to comfort you. I'm going to try my best to accomplish something today. I look forward to talking to you. If I put this in the mail today, maybe you'll get it by Friday.

Love and kisses,

Me

I read an article by David Baltimore (Nobel Laureate) who said something like this (I've paraphrased it):

"I have passed my insights and skills to others within my laboratories I had made the conscious decision that I should minimize and ultimately stop working with my own hands in the lab (as much as I loved it, it would be an inefficient use of my time and stagnate my advancement career-wise.) I therefore decided that I could make larger contributions to science by concentrating on questions of direction, of scientific style, of focus, of priorities, and of interpretation and not actually producing the bench work." I guess that kinda sums it up for me too. You always try to rationalize decisions that you have made.

And at some point some noted scientists take this route. Thanks for calling today; I'm glad you are getting along fine. I still feel yuchish today, no energy. Hope I feel better tonight. Today I missed you a whole lot. Me

The following week Grace sent a card with sea shells and sea grass on the front that readorking on