THE PRACTICE OF ROMANCE

CHAPTER ONE GIRLIE ASPIRATIONS The conventional girlie aspirations for romance were part of my upbringing. After reading fairy tales, I want to live like a princess. While Diana Spencer was getting married to her prince, I danced about the living room. I had romantic aspirations, which my mother supported. She recommended that I travel to Monaco and wed Prince Albert as I had earned a degree in French literature and language. She offered this in full sincerity, and I gave it some thought. Truth be told, I never wed Prince Albert. I really dropped out of one monogamous relationship while I was drifting into another. And what about divorce? That happened because the two people made a mistake. They simply hadn't been intelligent enough to see that the other person was not "the one." "What made you think she was the one?" "Do you believe he's the one?" "She's the one, Kevin," my first husband said to his closest buddy. Of course, divorce might occur when the male is abusive. That was typical of men. Or the man lied. That was done by men. The woman might accept it or reject it. That was all up to her. So, when I fell into the arms of one man after another, I imagined we were monogamous. I never brought it up with any of my relationships. If he didn't call back, he was an asshole, plain and simple. He was a jerk for thinking I was so cheap. Foreplay, missionaries, and the occasional oral diversion were typical fare. Don't get me wrong: that can be fantastic. After my second divorce, one of my first young boyfriends did exactly that to me. He worked as a marine. He was well-prepared and effective. I remarked on his traditional attitude. "Well, if it ain't broke..." he replied. Sure. But if it didn't get intriguing after a time.... I was furious and bewildered after my second divorce. Making relationships according to social norms has not made me happy. My first spouse, for example, wanted me to pack his bag, not go out without him, and not question his use of my credit card. His parents had done the same. Those conventional restrictions had made me feel bitter, not attractive (I know someone for whom they were sexy, though – different strokes for different folks). After that divorce, I established dating guidelines and met someone. Success! We both wanted children. We both want eternal life. We were ecstatic when I fell pregnant immediately. But I was hesitant to marry again. But the priest at the neighborhood church promoted it, as did the pastor at the city church, his parents encouraged it, and friends inquired... until one evening, his mother's wedding band appeared. What the heck was I going to say (particularly given we already had a daughter together)? Three years on, he was despondent, I was upset, he refused to clean the dishes, and I left. So here I was, over 40 years old, dating again, and absolutely lost. I attempted to convey to my girlfriend what I was looking for in a man. "I'm worth planning for," I informed her. "I'm worth someone's attention." I'm worth a Saturday night. And another thing - s*x is better when you have it with someone more than once, so if I text a guy with an observation, it's so he'll let it play on his mind and later draw it out in service of my s****l enjoyment; it's not because I want to marry him." I told her I wanted someone regular; someone who was interested in discovering s****l pleasure; someone who wanted to go out in the world and discuss things as a precursor to passionate rocking s*x. "Oh, that's a boyfriend," she said. That wasn't the case. I didn't want to meet his family, do his laundry, or find out how much money he made or where he went to college. But I also didn't want to feel like a s*x object to someone, stuck in my apartment waiting for a guy who didn't show up, or arriving up intoxicated or stuffed. I want a "lover," like in literature and French films. I desired s*x, respect, tenderness, and excitement. I want romance! But how exactly? No one I knew was living this romantic life. But was it really so unrealistic? Certainly not. If we can imagine it, we can achieve it. I was intelligent, but studying behaviour and enforcing rules did not bring me satisfaction. I'd quit drinking and gone through a lot of cognitive behavioral treatment, but it was obvious it wasn't enough. I understood I needed to figure out what my body loved about s*x, what my intellect liked about dating, and what my spirit sought about love. So I went to a class to improve my intuition. Out of my mind and into my soul! That was all there was! My adventures were not always enjoyable. I had a lot of s*x and had a lot of emotional turmoil. But I persisted. I make acquaintance with my spirit through embracing my emotions, remaining present in the moment, trying again, and moving deeper. Each contact was viewed as a learning experience by me. I did things I never dreamed I'd do. I forgave myself, I forgave men, and I confronted my shame, remorse, and deep cravings. I discovered what I truly wanted and learnt how to ask for it respectfully. Relationships gradually got less painful and more enjoyable. Men have progressed from dickish morons to magnificent beings deserving of admiration. Truly, I went through it all, so you don't have to. I now have a selection of males to choose from. And I'm guessing they have a choice of ladies as well. And we pick each other. And we aren't scared to say so. I am acquainted with and comprehend my aspirations. I'm still discovering new delights and learning new things. I keep an eye on my body and soul, being calm, interested, and friendly.