Under the Man my Husband Feared

The doctor unclipped the last sensor from my ears and sound exploded — the sterile beep of a monitor, the nurse's whisper in the hall, the creak of the chair… I gasped, hot tears collecting in my eyes. “Emma, can you hear me?” His gray brows puckered and released. “Yes! Yes…” I cried. And from that moment, my heart grew restless. I almost couldn't breathe during the 30-minute drive home. I even requested the windows to be wound down to enjoy the sound of the winter wind, the honking of horns, and the chirping of birds. My mind was all over the place, but the thought of my beloved husband was at the center of it all. I couldn't wait to announce this news to him, or hear what his voice sounded like after so many unbearable years. The cold breeze was biting into my lungs by the time my driver opened the car door, introducing me to my home. I didn't care about the frost that blocked the path or the snowflakes dropping from the sky. I just pushed forward, aiming for the porch. At this point, I could hear my heart slamming against my chest. “Breathe, Emma. Breathe…” I muttered to myself. On getting to the entrance I found the door ajar. An oud fragrance hit me first— then laughter. I could tell there was someone else in the house aside from my husband. I paused, swallowed hard, then tiptoed in, clutching an envelope containing my test result on my chest. As I moved further in, the smell of alcohol intensified. Instinctively, I headed to the bar, but as I was about to step in, I heard voices and my hand froze against the doorknob. Something about the tone unnerved me. It was true that I was still getting used to sound clarity again, but the gossip-like conversation triggered my curiosity. I strained to listen. “… After all these years, I am still in love with Alice,” the crispy baritone declared. “I mean, I thought I was over her and could move on eventually. But it turns out I can't. No matter how much I tried.” A huge lump formed in my throat. “You know,” the voice continued. “I have been thinking hard lately, and have decided to hand over Crystal Holdings to her so she doesn't have to worry about money ever again in her life.” Still in disbelief, I leaned closer to peek through the hole in the door. Lo and behold, my beloved husband in all his glory. He was sitting on a red cushion, legs spread, a glass of champagne in his hand, and opposite him was Lucas, his best friend, sitting in a similar position but with an incredulous look on his face. I passed my gaze between the two, my stomach churning at the realization that it was my husband who was speaking. There and then, I died a thousand deaths on my feet. “If you give Crystal Holdings to her, you will become an ordinary man like everyone else. No success attached to your name, no more billionaire golf clubs, media rounds, or magazine recognitions. I don’t know if you can cope with that.” Lucas argued. “Lucas, I don't care about any of that.” “What about your wife? Your honeybunny…” “Hmm.” A short silence followed as both men gazed at each other. Then Lucas took a sip of his drink and continued. “She is the eldest child of the Wayne family — one of the most revered families in the region. Doing this will force her into a life of hardship — one she is not used to. All that, because of your lost love?” “It is not a lost love, Lucas.” “Then what is it?” No answer. “Is it even worth it?” Another loud silence echoed. Lucas sat up, leaning forward. “Remember Emma’s medical condition. She cannot live optimally without enough money to sort out her medical bills.” My husband said nothing. He just looked away, avoiding Lucas’ eyes. “Shawn… Come on.” “I heard you, Lucas. Okay?” He shot back, then took a massive gulp. “Listen eh, Emma is the most amazing woman I have ever met. Any man would be lucky to have her as a wife. Just not me. It's simply that these things are matters of the heart. There is no way to explain it. Look, to satisfy conscience, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her.” “Shawn, are you listening to yourself?” “I am.” “Put yourself in her shoes then. This will be too hard on her. Damn, it would be hard on anybody. Even you.” “Lucas, relax. She told me that she loves me with every atom of her being and is willing to endure any form of hardship with me.” “So what?” “Yes, I get your point. In truth, her standard of living might drop slightly— with her health condition— but it's not as if we will be poor. I'm sure she won't complain. She is a good woman.” Those words annihilated me as I stood frozen like a winter-ravaged ghost. I had heard stories of betrayal but no one warned me that it felt like literal knife wounds in my chest. It was as if I was being stabbed repeatedly in real time. “… Shawn,” Lucas shook his head. “It looks like you've completely lost your mind about Alice and there is nothing I can do about it. I can only imagine how painful it will be for your wife if she eventually finds out the truth.” “What truth?” “You know, the entire story — that you didn't marry her for love, but to keep her away from Matt and Alice. She will be heartbroken. And with the way she loves you, I dare say suicidal.” Lucas’ statement drove me numb, yet insanely fiery inside. This was the reality I had lived in for five years. Five bloody years! I had been living in a parallel universe far from the truth in my own home. My hands gripped the doorknob so tightly my knuckles turned white. As a result, the door got triggered and went ajar. Lucas’ eyes glared with alarm as he registered my presence, his voice quivering with a panicked stammer. “E—Emma… You are home?” Shawn turned sharply, his eyes narrowing and releasing. For a moment, tension rocked his eyes and his cheeks flustered, before being taken over by a mischievous calm and devilish smile. “There is no need to worry, Lucas. Be calm. She didn't hear a thing.” He said. “How would you be so sure?” Lucas swallowed hard. “Oh, Lucas. I'm her husband. And I have been with her during several medical appointments. Even if you shouted in her ears she wouldn't hear a thing. The accident took a huge toll on her. Just don't let your countenance sell you out.” My heart coiled with pain. I wanted to shout, kick, and curse, but on a second thought, remained still and unflustered. Slowly, I folded and tucked away my test result in my big pocket. “You can't be too careful, Shawn.” “Relax, cowboy.” With that, Lucas sank into his seat, giving me a slight nod with a raised glass which was supposed to signify a greeting. I remained still, but Shawn moved, his smile — which was once contagious— now annoying. Rising to his feet, he approached me in slow strides, picking up a duvet from a cushion nearby and wrapping me with it. “Sweetheart…” He planted a kiss on my forehead, pulling me into a warm hug. I flushed back tears from my eyes. Then as soon as the hug broke, our eyes collided, then he signed ‘frigid’... “My love, you feel so cold. How come you went out in the snow? You weren't even properly covered up. I don't want you catching a cold.” His hands then brushed against my chin and the hairs on my skin spiked, not from excitement, but disgust, pain, and an unspoken void growing between us. I had initially admired and respected him for how much time he took to learn the language. From one tutor to another. Endless hours of training just to fill the void my accident had created. Now, all that admiration was gone. I felt… nothing. What I saw at this point was a carefully crafted performance for selfish reasons. Shawn was dead to me. He had to be. The husband I once loved so dearly was now a mere fragment of my lovey-dovey imagination.