Shame & Guilt

Visit to Psychiatrist

The next morning Sam's father and Tim went to shop. Rabin stayed home for some chorus.

"Thulo mummy Sam brother is going mad." Rabin said as a concerned brother to Sam's mother. That was how he addressed her. He continued "I think we again need to consult with psychiatrist."

Rabin was right. Sam who never stayed at home now had lock-downs. He had got no proper timing for eating or managing himself.

"Yesterday, he was out for some time. I thought he would push himself from then on no matter what he is going through.” She said with her eyes full of tears. “Doesn't he share anything with you also? Please save him, save us." she said as she brusted into a cry.

Of all the family members, she was the one suffering the worst. While Sam was still a child, and they were living in Baneshwor, Sam used to tell her everything. About how he got through day, how he wanted to eat a special dish, about the math problems he couldn't solve and spend his evening crying over it.

And she always listened to him. Her presence alone even helped him solve his maths that he would be wobbling about. Her presence always calmed him, like on the day at their village when he saw death for the first time. And that calmness helped his mind work better.

For a month, she tried to calm him, provide him a sense of security. She kept nagging him, and when that didn't work, she let him be by himself so he could dig deep in him and find a resolution. She prepared the dishes he loved and passed it inside his room thinking he didn't wanted to be in gatherings. She even re-stocked his cigarettes time and again. But at the same time took away his m*******a if she found any.

"Can you and Tim handle the shop? I think we need to take him to psychiatrist again."

"Don’t worry about that, and beside it’s just will take a couple of hours." he said and passing a hopeful smile he continued "He will be alright."

His mother discussed the matter with father when he returned back for meal at the afternoon, and they decided to take him to a psychiatrist at evening. Two of them handed Rabin the responsibility of getting Sam ready to go to hospital.

For all day, alternating in between his chorus, Rabin tried to persuade Sam in every way possible but Sam didn't give in. That was Sam, not giving up easily. After countless failed attempts, Rabin surrendered and reported to his thulo mummy.

Mother knocked Sam’s room door. No words came from behind the door.

"Sam come out please. You have stayed in your room for too long. You need to get some fresh air." She waited for a reply only to be disappointed.

"Listen Sam I have heard weed and games could cause people to have depression. I can't see u this way. Please come out. Let’s go see a doctor. Please."

Sam was rolling another blunt now after he had wasted some hour just laying in bed.

"Your mother is crying out there, and here you are having fun." Ella appeared with a smile of mockery.

"You are just a delusion." Sam said without even passing an eye to her.

"Go then go to psychiatrist, get yourself medications." She said as she crossed her hands around her bosoms.

"I am completely fine. I just see you but I can handle this. I will win over you."

"I have a deal for you. If I am an illusion of yours you will be treated by a psychiatrist. If I am real I would look for the reasons to forgive you in between these three days. It’s just three days. Play double game as u did with me."

Sam opened the door to find his mother standing outside. He couldn't meet her eyes. Her love was overwhelming him over his futility. He felt as if he was not worthy of the love she had been showering over him. But that's what mothers are. Capable of loving the unlovable.

"Let’s go already if you are ready." His father ordered with a stern voice. That just validated his self-destructive sentiments for him.

He instructed Sam's mother to go to shop and help others and that he will manage hospital things by himself.

A lean body with bald top head. Wrinkled fingers. Elongated face with thin skin, showing wrinkles at some spots. Eyes that sinked a bit inside. He used to wear cap for as long as Sam remembered, but he no longer wore one. Sam suspected that it had some connection to him. A silent approach from his father to know that his father had changed. If it was silent sign for that, Sam still doubted in which way did he changed. Did he grew more loving or is he stricter?

Two of them never had emotional talks. In fact they didn't talked much. Not about the family problems, or about social things, not about each other life's matter. It was only when his father needed something and he would not find anyone around he would call Sam. And Sam would go to his father only when he needed money and that also if he couldn't grab any from the shop's treasury.

His father moved ahead and Sam followed behind him. It had always been that way. When they were out to buy clothings when they were not in that business. When they had to go to college for admission and fees payment. Perhaps his father had quick paces or Sam couldn't be courageous enough to be beside him. And so he followed. Ella too appeared next to him.

"You know about throwing yourself in front of a moving vehicle. I can save you or I could let you die. You can try your luck still. I won’t say what's in store for you, but you could end this thing right now. If you jump and you died I will hold your hand and we can be together in this afterlife, if you jumped and I saved you, you could save your father from making such visits to psychiatrist. You have been there before too right. It’s not gonna help you, you know that. You are just trying to escape me. Your father has got a lot of other important things to do and you are using him too." Ella said keeping her sight firmly to far away horizon as she drifted beside him.

"You used to hold your ground so firmly. Like when you were running behind me. For three months you ran behind me. And for a month you ignored your family, yet when I showed you a little hope to let you live, you dropped your stand, your precious weed and came out. You have changed."

"Tell me if I hadn't given you that little hope to life, would you have came out?"

He watched his father few steps in front of him. A man in mid fifties still fighting hard battle of life. Completely drenched in debts, trying to guide four sons into a good life. Two of his own and two of his younger brother who was in some distant country dealing with his own problems.

"I am not afraid of dying. You can try me. But I want to live some more." Sam said with dispassionate face.

Ella was now floating in middle of the street. Sam looked around to find her smiling at him. A car was racing towards her. She spreaded her arms wide and kept floating straight. Sam just watched her. The car came and Ella vanished in the wind as car crossed her.

"You are such a heartless person. I thought u would run to me. To save me. You don't need any checkup. You are perfectly fine. You just have a shame and guilt within you for what you did. I am surprised though, a cheap person like you having the feeling of shame and guilt."

Sam walked silently with a lowly hanged head which he lifted time and again to check for his father.

"I am bored for now. See you love." she said and disappeared.

They came across KMC hospital. His grandmother took her last breathe there. He wondered if his father remembered that. He sure did. But he is no longer sad, he has moved on. He would move on too if Sam would die.

They reached to Sinamangal height and got onto a bus that went around ring-road. Chabahill their stop and a little walk till they reached Helping Hands hospital.

There were a lot of people and their noise was taking effect on Sam. Whatever they were talking about, his mind somehow reworked those words and threw critics at himself. He felt as if to run away from there. But to where? There are people everywhere and demons in his head. He can't hide at least not from himself.

His father got a ticket for appointment. It was still early and they had to wait for almost an hour for doctor.

"Do you want to eat anything?" His father asked.

"No I am fine."

"I want to eat something. Come give me company." His father insisted.

And like always Sam obeyed him. He had never said no to his father whenever he was told to do something when he was right before his eyes and he felt he was not violating his boundaries.

They ordered chowmein. He watched his father eat, from the corner of his eyes. A face that reflected just sadness and regrets. He had lost all his life and now he was losing his last hope too.

"I am sorry dad. I am nothing more than a trouble for you." He whispered to himself.

"Listen Sam nothing is lost. You are just at the beginning of life. If you are depressed that you have dropped college, it’s not a big deal, don't worry. There are so many people who have achieved so many things without getting education at all. And you, you have studied until 12. And if you want, you can still continue next year. I will fight for whatever dreams you keep. Just don't lose hope."

The doctor came and he started dealing with patients one by one. After waiting for sometime their name was announced. They went in.

"So what is the problem with our guy?" Doctor said with a cheerful voice in attempt to light up gloomy face of Sam.

"Doctor he recently left college couple of months ago and have locked himself inside his room ever since. He plays a lot of computer games and takes weed."

"Tell me what you feel Mr. .." He scanned a paper in front of him and continued "Mr. Sam"

Sam remained silent.

"He also doesn’t talk much with people." His father tried to keep the therapy going on.

"How was he like before?" Doctor said locking his fingers over the table.

"He was fairly good, always with smile in front of friends never before us. He used to stay away from home with his friends all the time."

"Did something happen with your friends?"

"A lot has happened. My whole life turned upside down. To the point that everybody started to compare me with that mad man who walked around streets of Sinamangal." Sam thought.

"No I don't think so. His friends still come looking for him, but he ignores them." His father kept on speaking on behalf of Sam.

"Can you go out for some time? I want to ask him some personal questions."

His father stepped outside.

"So Sam is there any girlfriends’ issue?"

"No doctor. I am fine. It’s just my home environment just doesn't suit me. My parents get worried over small matters and I just feel irritated by them. I just want to stay in peace until I figure out what to do in my life. But they think too much and create a mountain out of a small stone."

"Ok you may be fine. You can still comprehend words. But for now I will prescribe you medications for mild depression but please don't do weed during medications."

"What did he meant by 'I can still comprehend words.’ Do I look that mad?" Sam felt slightly annoyed at the doctor’s comment.

His father was peeking inside for a small gap on the doorway. Doctor called him in and explained that he had prescribed medications for mild depression and he doesn't need to worry much. That it’s just a phase everyone has to go someday.

"Doctor he had cut his forearm sometimes ago what do you make of it."

Doctor pulled up Sam's black hood sleeves, and examined the cut: It was not a random cut. There was a message. But since some cuts were not deep, the lines were not clear except for the word 'AWAY' at the end, and asked how long it has been.

"Probably about a month."

"Do you want to tell us the reason behind it Sam?"

This time father waited for a moment hoping to hear the reason from Sam himself. But he didn't speak.

"He just wanted to feel the pain, he said to us earlier."

"Ok that's fine. For now let's go as decided and we will think again once we see progress in him."

They both left as doctor continued with another name in the list.

They halted in front of hospital and his father started grinding tobacco in his hand. He observed his son, a sad face facing ground.

He went to him.

"I too used to smoke weed but that was not so good for me. Some people can tolerate its hit and some can't. I couldn't too. May be u can't too. It gets your will power degraded. Leave it instead just have cigarettes or just tobacco like me."

Sam listened but didn't give any response.

They dropped at Sinamangal and after a short walk in their usual fashion, his father instructed him to go home straight while he went to grab Sam’s medication.

"Nice play Sam. Family problem. Nice. You are such a clever boy. But your cunningness won't save you love. I wished you would have confessed whole story to the doctor. There was nothing to lose right. He was a total stranger, and if you had confessed him everything from how you tried seducing a girl than how you tried to turn it into love and how you destroyed her and how now you were seeing ghost, what would you have lost. A little disgrace to your name from an unknown person and whom you would have to never meet. But you choose to play smart.

"Don’t give me your hopes. I don't care over what I I could have done to save myself. If you want to kill me go ahead. If you can't go away."

"You have got two more days."

He went straight to his room. Everyone was at home except for his father who had gone to get his medication. He took out a copy from under his bed. The m*******a he was refining from earlier. He finished his task and stocked five of blunts.

He remembered the comment of the doctor. He remembered the mad man of Sinamangal. Long greasy and messy hair. Untrimmed beard. Dirt patches around his skins. Tattered clothes.

"Do I look like him?"

He went to the mirror. Messy and curly but not greesy hair. Brown skin, with no patches of dirt anywhere to be seen. Ok untrimmed beard and fine clothes.

"No, I am still normal. Why would he say that?"

He missed the whole scenario of how doctor knew him so naked. He failed to understand that it was his eyes that gave him away and not just to doctor, but to anyone who would look at him. The eyes that wavered, whenever someone tried to reach them. The eyes that were so vacant and cold. The eyes that didn't wanted to see any of the things before it but instead just linger around to the unseenable to other eyes, to his past, where it could soak upon the warmth of her smile. The eyes that couldn't lift itself because of the guilt his heart carried. His eyes.