Shame & Guilt

The First Trial

"Still sleeping?" Ella whispered into his ear as she caressed his thin cheeks.

Sam's body stiffened as he realized that it was morning already and the ghost of Ella was already there.

"Oh, don't worry you won't die, at least not so easily." She continued whispering into his ears as she stroked his hair raven black hair.

She floated her body just above his parallely. And with a smile she said "Get out of bed and come to Tara hall chowk." as she vanished.

Sam halfheartedly pulled himself out of bed. He checked for the blunts he had prepared previously, under the mattress. Two out of 13 were remaining. He tried grabbing one, but his gut failed him. He desperately wanted to take a hit, just like he always did, but he couldn't bring his hand to grab the blunt. He let that thought of smoking go away. With short measured steps he started roaming around his room.

"What should I do? I will surely die if I go out. But even when I am inside, nothing will stop her from killing me anyway." He was biting off his nails that had become quite long as he had not focused on his maintenance for nearly a month.

He decided he will go and see what her trial would be. There was a slight chance to live if he followed her directions for now.

But still he wasn't fully into this. It was just because he didn't have any other option. So he reluctantly went to washroom to get himself fresh. It was just another way to postpone the inevitable in his life.

His mother who had been busy in kitchen caught him leaving washroom. She give him a call "Sam, you are out. Come here, I will get your tea heated."

Sam just glanced at her for a moment from outside. He then nonchalantly went to his room again. He grabbed a black hood and sneaked himself into it. In the same reluctant manner he slid a black pant up his legs. He then slowly maintained his bed and picked up the bread and milk bottle from yesterday.

He went straight to the kitchen and threw the bread into dustbin and poured the milk into sink.

"Are you going somewhere? If it’s a 'yes' wait a little longer. I will prepare some breakfast for you." She said with a bright smile on her face. She was happy that he was out by himself.

He didn't respond and just went to sit above the gas cylinder. It had kind of become his favorite place to sit while in kitchen, just before a month. He watched her carefully just to be ready to avoid her eyes if she turned towards him.

A woman with rectangular face with brown complexion. Her pierced nose holding a piece of jewellery. Red hair, which she had to color time and again as they had already turned gray. She couldn't use black color. Her skin was allergic to the black color.

She had skilled hands that handled things around the kitchen pretty easily and swiftly. In no time, she had brought him two of omelet sandwiches. He was hungry, but he didn't felt like eating. There was no need for that anymore. His body still had the energy needed to go through a day.

"Mommy, I don't want to eat right now. I am going out." he uttered those words to let her hear his voice. He wanted to say so many things to her. He wanted to let her know that he was thankful for what she had done for him up until now. He wanted to tell her sorry, for all his life he just made her cry more than making her happy.

He used to watch movies with family drama. He had seen so many movies where the children when were adult would leave their parents at old age home. He wanted to tell her that whatever might happen he would have always wanted keep her by his side.

"Mommy, I am sorry?" Sam said averting his eyes away from her.

"Why?"

"For leaving the breakfast." That was not the reason. He lied to her. But he got his heart out to her. He was a splendid liar after all. He could even lie to his own heart like he did just now. He got his heart settled that he asked for leave with his mommy.

"Don't worry! You can have it when you are back. I will prepare some more when you are back." She said still smiling. She was glad that he was out and that was enough for her for now.

"I don't think I will be back mommy." he whispered to himself.

She came to him, took his hand into her. "Everything will be fine son. You just don't worry. Ok?"

His mother's affection was too much for him. He felt like he was sinking and suffocating in an ocean. He just wanted to leave but he couldn't do it as long as those eyes of her kept watch on him.

He shook his head to let his mother know he heard her. He crunched his body and took his face in his hand. His mother patted his back and caressed his hair.

"I love you son." She stayed near him for some time and moved to sink a bit after. Sam took the chance and silently left kitchen.

He went and grabbed those remaining blunt from under the pillow thinking he would smoke as he lied on his deathbed and straightly went out of the gate. His mother saw his moving away from the gate through kitchen window. She went to a chair and started weeping.

He kept his pace slow. He had the hoodie covered his head almost completely. His eyes strictly fixated few step ahead from him. He still felt shameful for his past. He couldn't face the world. The voices of peoples walking around him were driving him insane. These voices were the reason he drew back into his room a month ago. Whatever they were talking about had no connection to him, but his shredded mind twisted those voices into curses and humiliation towards him. He shook his head as if he was throwing away his mental burden and continued on his way. When he was about to cross the road, he realized he was already at chowk.

He hesitantly looked around. There was a crowd mobbing around him. He could see them lost into their daily struggles. Everyone running around to get something or to run away from something. He wondered how true they were to themselves. Do they lie to themselves like he did, just to keep themselves into an illusion that everything is going just as they wanted. And do they ever fall for that small lie they had told to themselves?

He had lied even to himself that he was in love with Ella, when the shame and guilt were slowly taking over him.

His childhood was filled with movies about the human morals. His dad selectively brought movies about armies and polices who were full of patriotism, heroes full of dignity and so on. Those movies somehow kept a root in his heart. And so he always saw himself as a good person if not a hero. But the shame and guilt ate his pride and so to save himself he lied himself that he loved her. And the lies pushed him in the direction he had followed.

The nicotine in his body asked for more of it. He turned to a pan pasal (shop) on his side. His eyes fell a little ahead on the road. The cafe where he had seen her for the first time. She was there yet again, in that same green hood with fur in its cap.

"I must be hallucinating." he thought.

He forwarded a note of 5 to shop owner. His voice trembled as he asked for a cigarette.

He took it from the hand of the shop-keeper with trembling hand. He grabbed lighter hanged on the shop and lighted his cigarette. His eyes again crept towards the old cafe. She was still there watching him intently.

She drifted towards him. He realized that he was not hallucinating. But his heart was still and calm unlike the times before.

"I really was arrogant, she is beautiful."

“Enjoying? You took quite a time to come here." she smiled and drifted forward across the street.

He enjoyed his cigarette. Probably could be last one. He shifted his vision to Ella across the street. He was about to cross the road and move towards her. But she signed him to stop.

"Stay there, if you want you can take another cigarette too. I will call you when its time."

His throat was dry from the cigarette before, he didn't need another cigarette. He just kept looking at her across the street. People were moving around him and they were still making all the noises they wanted to. But that didn't burn Sam's peace. He was just happy for now and Ella was too smiling from across the street. He had missed smiles. Her as well as his own.

There was a loud sound of throttling engine. He shifted his eyes towards the source of sound. A heavy truck was racing towards their way.

"Sam cross the road when I tell you." Ella still smiling.

Sam understood what she was thinking. He looked at the truck and its speed. It won't stop even if its driver jammed the brake. He turned towards her, his eyes filled with plea. But that didn't melt her heart. As the truck approached nearer to them she called out "Now".

Petrified, Sam just stared at truck as it passed him. And the wind following the truck brought all of his fears back to him now. The sound of people felt as blades slicing through his sanity. Cutting every neurons that were responsible to maintain his being. His vision blurred now. His body went cold.

"Why didn't you step forward? Why didn't you cross the road?" she inquired filled with anger.

Her eyes now filled with bloody veins. It was a horror for Sam to look into those eyes now. He averted his sight.

Her, now tear filled eyes tried meeting Sam’s eyes. But Sam completely refused.

With soft voice she said "You could have just step ahead and I would have saved you. I would have pulled you out of its way. How could you believe that I would really kill you? All I wanted was to see you happy and full of life like before. I would have saved you. This is true hell. To be drifting in this realm, without a destination. I would not want this for you."

Her soft voice now turned stern as she continued "But just like you can't touch the same water in flowing river, for second time, you have missed your chance for life. Now it’s just death waiting for you. And don't you think death comes easy. Especially when you yourself are the one to take your life. Now just show the zeal with which you ran behind me trying to get into my pants when I was still alive. Bring out the same zeal or I know how to make you do things."

Sam was petrified with the speed of truck that passed him and the words of Ella just confirmed him that he was a gone person already. That little lamp of hope he had carried with him, as he had decided to face his trial snuffed out.

"I have always given you chances. So many of them. Yet you always fail. Yesterday too, you had failed just like now. Yesterday all you had to do was accept me as your friend. For now all you had to do was take just a step."

He was surprised to hear that he had been tested already without him knowing about it. It was really easy task compared to what he had to do today. All he had to do was say 'yes'.

"All you had to do was say 'yes' yesterday. But you didn't had the courage. I felt bad but I was happy too. I made myself free from the guilt that had been burning me. The guilt made me feel like I was still on my death bed, still burning and waiting for it to end, I just like you, could have written 'yes' on the backside of the letter you proposed me with."

"Back then I never told you that I had any feelings for you. Neither do I think that I made you feel me in any way. But you still refused to hear my words and you kept following me. We were such a good friends, but you ruined everything. Seeing you going crazy I surrendered myself to your love and kept giving you chances to let you shout out those words of magic for the world to hear. I understood that you were of shy nature so I hoped that you would at least hug me and whisper it into my ears. We could really have been happier. But you were just a cheap guy with no guts and with no care about other feelings."

"I started following you, and I kept on appearing in front of you with various excuses hoping you would understand. I acted like I was avoiding you but that was just to make you feel the pain of separation, if we were to be separated. But you took it other way. You felt that I didn't feel for you, and after that you left never even bothering to come and ask how I was. Every feeling of yours just went off like a pile of dust scattering in wind. But I couldn't help myself. I kept asking about you to our friends. You even forgot that we had common friends. They told me about how you have been. How you tried to commit suicide. And just like that a thought entered my mind. He is the same guy who cuts his forearm to feel my pain; I too will know his pain. And then just like that I did it. I killed myself."

Sam could listen a c***k in her voice. But he still couldn't turn around and look at her.

"But now look at you. How easy life are you living. All day inside your room, smoking weed and playing games, showing off that you are mentally disturbed to gain sympathy from your family. You are just a cheap person who is ready to use even his family for his comfort. And I used to admire you. Silly me."

"Don’t miss out this time Sam. I won't be as loving as I used to be with you. You wanted to know how I died right?"

Sam just shook his head.

"Read that boys t-shirt prints." She demanded pointing towards a boy.

"Vans."

"What does its slogan says?"

"Off the wall."

"Yep that is. I will let you know when you jump off your buildings top floor. Go and I will let you know in midway in the air. Jump so that you fall just in front of your house gate, where your mommy would see you. I want her to feel the pain my mommy had to go through."

Sam went back to his place and climbed the stairs. As he was about to climb for third floor his mother called him. He looked at Ella, and she let him go. He went to his mom.

"Can you please bring some milk? Your dad wants to have some tea."

He took money from his mother and left for dairy. A bit ahead on the north of Tara hall chowk. He looked around to see Ella. But she was not around. And then when he had taken the turn little ahead in a pan shop there she was standing. Just smiling as he passed her to reach dairy. But Sam could not smile back. He just felt as if she was humiliating him for failing earlier. And the shame held his smile back.

That was where he had seen her for the last time when she was still alive. With Ram he had seen her. Sam felt that it was just a way to test out his gut. And that if he could tell her that he loved her, two of them would simply shout saying that is what they were waiting for.

Sam had came to get milk just as he was doing today. His eyes strictly focusing just a few steps ahead of him. Until then he had tried number of times to share his feeling for Ella but he always failed and the failure kind of brought a shame to him. He could not face the world, neither the outside one nor the one he had inside his head. He would not have noticed them if it was not for Ram calling him.

Ram knew Sam felt something for Ella as he had been directly told by Sam. But still he called him. His reason to believe that they were just testing him. He greeted Ram and just silently glanced over Ella. She was eyeing her foot with her hands folded behind her.

Then Sam continued on his way as he bid them bye. He cursed himself on the way. It was a good chance to tell her. And he won't find her so randomly on the street ever again. But he lacked the guts and his spirit asked him to flee away.

Sam passed her again even now. At dairy shop he ordered for milk. 

"I felt guilty that day. That instead of waiting for you to show some guts I too could have confessed my love for you. I had watched you walk away that day and today you did the same. You could have at least tried to relive the moment. You could have come there with cigarette as an excuse. You are good at that right. Making excuses for the things you want. I bet you don't want a ghost now. But you know you lost the game again. This was yet another easy win for you. If you had just come to me again I would have been cleansed. But no. I don't think you deserve to live anyway."

He kept hearing her as he paid for milk and rushed back to his home.

"What’s the hurry? Did you forget you have an incomplete task waiting for you at home? Go and have your last cigarette and come along with me already. Suicide is a sin and the punishment is eternal doom in this place. No heaven to rejoice and no hell to wash sins."

He crossed the chowk and went to the pan pasal from earlier. Asked for cigarette, lighted it up and went to a side. He just stared into a house wall before him across the street.

"So I too will linger this place." He thought.

Perhaps he could pay for his sins against Ella and earn back just her friendship. After all it has happened before. They had fought and stopped talking for months when they were friends. It may happen now too. And if that happened, they two could still talk about things they always did. Like that of her favorite south Indian hero, her favorite samosa, how she hated to listen to the songs, of her lost future sons and daughter names, of her faraway hometown called 'Surkhet.' She had promised to take everyone there. Perhaps she would take him there, if he could earn her forgiveness.

Sam pumped himself up every time he inhaled smoke. All he had to do was climb to the terrace and run a short distance before leaping across the wall. Just off the wall. He didn't wanted to stand over the edge before jumping for he knew he would definitely lose his gut once he looked how far down the floor would be and also their might be a scandal in locality if he failed to jump.

Sam threw his cigarette and went back. Full of determination.

"I hope you will do it now."

He remained silent and went to kitchen. She followed him.

He insisted on preparing the tea himself with his mother. His father loved tea a lot. May be he just wanted to thank him for all he had done for him up until now.

"Will you take it to the shop Sam? No one is here right now for the moment."

"No mommy, I feel tired."

"You really are good at making excuses."

"Ok, I will do it myself. And if you are feeling hungry, there are the sandwiches from earlier." She said with lots of love in her voice as she poured tea into a case.

"Ok, I am leaving. You just have a good time alright."

Sam just shook his head.

He looked very serious and Ella believed that he would do it this time. He went to balcony and lighted two blunts one after another as Ella just observed him. She knew that he used to smoke weed for every different tasks he took over.

Sam stared into Ella eyes; he tilted his head a little. He used to do it every time something was able to evoke his complete interest. He kept staring into her eyes lifted his hand and tried touching Ella's cheek. He couldn't touch her though. She was just a luminous shape and his hand would just pass through her when tried to touch.

"You are not real. You are just a delusion just as Rabin says. I am just hallucinating."

"So this is how you ran away that time. You just changed all of your belief and went on to different way. I don't care, though. I will let you have three days time. But I won't be so easy next time." She vanished with those words.

Sam again went back to his room and locked the door.