Rambler Basterds

***Savvy*** I never thought I would be out living my husband. The day we said our vows, I never thought the words till death do us part would ever come true. I always thought we would go together, like everything we did, we did as one, not one before the other. It was never like that; we were a pair, partners all the way. We jumped and fell togather. He had my back just as I had his. So when he left without me to say I wasnt upset or hurt would be a lie. I should have gone with him; that is how it was to be. Im not to be here alone and on my own again at forty years old. No, we were to grow old togather. And now, now that isn't happening, There is nothing I can change about it. I know it's something I will have to deal with and push past, but right now, I do not want to. Am I mad at him? No, Im not. Am I hurt and crushed that he left? Yes, even though it was not by his choice, I know he would never do that. However, that drunk driver took that from him, from us. "Mama?" I hear Hexley's voice as he knocks on my door, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Yeah. Hex." I call out, placing the picture back on my nightstand. I had not realized I was holding it. The door opened as his head popped in. "You ready?" His eyes are so much like his father's; I do not think I would be able to get through these last few days without him. I was glad that he got leave to come home and help me. He steps into the room. "I have the car ready." Glancing back at the picture as I stand up, brushing my hands down the front of my dress. "Yes, as ready as I can be." I turn to look at him, his eyes soften as he walks closer to me. His arm wraps around my shoulders. "Im here, Mama." He squeezes my shoulder. "Let's go, I do not want to be late." The car ride was quiet. I was lost in my thoughts, my emotions were just as lost, I didnt know if I wanted to cry or scream, so I chose to be quiet. Pulling up to the church, I felt my stomach drop as something tightened in my chest. I sat there, even once the car stopped, just looking out the window. The door opened, and Hexley stood there, hand out to help me out. Slipping my hand into his as I stepped out, he placed it in the crook of his elbow as he walked us towards the church that held pain in it, and it's a pain I do not want to face. I do not remeber much after stepping through the doors, I just remeber my eyes locked on the coffin that sat at the front as I sat on the bench, people spoke, Hexley even was up front speaking about his father. It all seemed to mush togather for me, all I could hear was my heart beating or breaking as I sat there looking at the wooden box that held the other half of my life in it. Before I knew it, Hexley was standing, turning, and he kneeled in front of me. Grapping my hands in his larger ones. Just like his father's hands were. "Mama, I need to go with the others to get in place to carry Dad out. Grandpa is going to wait with you and walk you to the car. I will be right there." I didnt say anything, just gave him a nod. Standing, I felt him place a kiss on my forehead. He helped me up as another arm came around my shoulders, holding me steady. I recognized the smell of my father. I couldnt help but lean into him. "Come on, baby girl," The next thing I knew, my father was placing me in the car. Hexley was there, slipping into the driver's seat. "Hex. I will follow you." I heard my father say before he shut my door. It was the same at the gravesite. I sat there in a trance as everyone went through the motions, even. Even when the rifles went off, I never jumped. I remeber when they placed that folded flag on my lap, I could see the gentleman's lips moving, but I could not tell what he said. I felt like I was underwater. I remained in the chair my eyes locked on the coffin even after everyone left I could not being myself to get up and walk away it felt like it was so final if I did and maybe, just maybe it was real, maybe if I sat here long enough I would wake up from this tarriable dream and my husband would be there pulling me into a hug and kissing me. Not lying in a sealed wooden box that they were soon going to lower into the ground and cover with dirt. "Mama. We need to go." Hexley's voice was low. I didnt look at him, my eyes trained on that box. "Mama." I finally looked over to see Hexley. "We need to go, Mama. Come on, let's go home. Everyone is waiting." He gripped my elbow, helping me to stand up. My legs felt so weak, they shook as I got up. I e held the folded flag to my chest, feeling like I was being ripped open with each step i tool away from there. Breathing was becoming harder with each step. This can't be real, no, he isn't gone, he cant be. I can not be alone, I cant live without him. This means no more morning coffee with him on the porch, no more dinners togather, no more random car rides, I would not hear his voice again or his laughter. A rushing sound filled my ears as my vision became blurry, then small black spots danced. I felt myself take a misstep. Hexley's hand tightened on my arm. As he steadied me. "Mama?" Everything started to spin around me as the rushing sound got louder in my ears. I felt my knees start to buckle. "Mama!" I heard Hexley yell, but nothing stopped the blackness from setting in. A faint beeping sound filled my ears; it wasnt loud, but it was there. My eyes lods slowly opened. I squinted as it was bright, letting my eyes adjust before trying to move my head. I felt like I was hit by a truck; my head was pounding. Once I could make out the white ceiling and the awful smell of the sterilizer. "Mama?" Letting my head roll to the side, I see Hexley sitting in a chair, a worried look on his face. "You awake, thank god, I was worried." I move to sit up, and he stands to help me. "Where am I?" I rubbed my forehead. "You are at the hospital. I brought you here when you passed out." It then hit me. The funeral at the gravesite, My eyes shut as I try to push the pain back down. "Im sorry, Hexley," I whisper. "It's not your fault, Mama. You got overwhelmed, Im sorry I wasnt able to do more for you." This kid, He has been my rock these last few days, and yet he is trying to do more than he already has. "Thank you, baby," I tell him as I take his hand. "I appreciate all your help. I wouldn't have gotten through these last few days without you." I know I need to pull myself togather He wont be able to stay much longer. I know he will have to go back soon. I also know he will not go unless Im okay, and I can not hold up his life like that. As painful as this is, I need to pull it together and push forward.