Calanthe

Kabanata 5 (I)

“He rejected me,” malamig kong sabi, prenteng nakaupo sa isang rattan na one-seater. Makulimlim pero suot ko pa rin ang napakadilim na sunglasses. “I still can’t believe he f*****g rejected me.”

“And there she goes again…” bulong-bulong ni Beatus sa gilid ko.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Sa halip ay ginawa kong mapa ang mga ulap sa kalangitan at hinanap doon ang dahilan kung bakit.

Bakit ako tinanggihan ng isang iyon… nang paulit-ulit.

One week had passed already. Everything was supposed to be normal until it wasn’t dahil naghabol lang naman ako para sa matamis na ‘oo’ ni Sinclair Delgado. Oo. Ako. Naghabol. Unbelievable. Hindi umubra sa akin ang una niyang sagot kaya niligawan ko.

And like a boy pursuing the girl of his dreams, I played nice. I put an effort. Wala pang alas-singko ng hapon ay naghihintay na ako sa kaniya. Hindi na rin ako nagsungit at lagi pang nag-gu-goodmorning. One time, I even bought him a new sweatshirt, branded, para palitan ang pipitsugin niyang damit at para na rin pasasalamat ko dahil inasikaso niya ako nang hapong iyon.

Pero hindi rin pala gagana lahat kaya heto ako, daig pa ang isang lalaking na-basted. I wasted my time and my effort. It bruised my ego so much that I was beginning to hyper-fixate on it, on my failure.

Even I knew it’s unhealthy.

“Have you ever been rejected before, Bee?” wala sa sarili kong tanong.

“Are we talking about girls? Cuz nope,” sagot nito habang tutok ang mga mata sa malaking TV. “Wala pa naman akong niligawan, ‘di ba? Ever? Kawawa naman iyon dahil alam kong pababagsakin mo. You’re too possessive, Cala.”

“What about other things? College application, maybe?”

Sa sobrang paghuhukay ko sa isip kung bakit inayawan ako ni Carlo, pati ang palyadong application ko ay nadawit na rin. Ganoon na kalala.

 “Hindi pa ako nag-a-apply,” ani Bee. “At ayaw ko pang isipin, ‘no! I don’t want to graduate yet. Is it just me? You know I can’t live without you, Cala, and of course, all this…”

“You dumbass. Kailan ka mag-a-apply? Kapag graduation na? Submit your papers already.”

“Nah. I enjoy this way too much. I enjoy you. I enjoy the now. It’d suck if it all ends.”

Well, he’s right. After all, we’re seniors already. Isang taon na lang ay paso na ang dikit naming schedule at samahan.

“At least look for the top universities,” I murmured.

 “Ikaw? Kung saan ka, sunod ako! I’ll follow you like a dog!”

Sometimes I wondered why we became friends at all. He’s too goofy and carefree while I made sure to plan everything ahead. Ang pinaka unang alaala ko lang sa kaniya ay noong kindergarten pa kung kailan nagsimula na kaming magsama.

“Hmm. What song to sing… Hmm…”

Pinabayaan ko si Bee na kutingtingin ang TV dahil nababaon na naman sa sariling pag-iisip. Habang nangyayari iyon, si Conan na anak ng may-ari ng resort na ito ay abalang lumalangoy sa ibabang pool. It’s a weekend so we wasted it by lounging around here, as usual.

“Ilay! Ilay, dito!” sigaw ni Conan.

Bahagyang umikot ang mga mata ko nang tinawag niya si Allistaire. He, too, tagged along with us at tanging kasama ni Conan na naliligo.

“Ilay! Ipasa mo rito ang bola!”

What a cheap nickname. Ilay. Sa school ay biglang naging gano’n ang tawag sa kaniya. It’s like a virus, honestly.

“Shoot!” balya ni Conan nang pumasok din sa wakas ang beachball sa pina-install niyang ring sa tubig.

The Montalvans were known hoteliers and resort moguls, the very reason why Conan and I were friends because like my father, I believed our wealth matched. Kung hindi, I don’t think so. At isa pang pinaka prominenteng katangian ng kaibigan kong iyon ay ang kaniyang high IQ.

He’s tall and a bit bulky so he looked like an average teenage boy. Makulit din at paulit-ulit, parang si Bee, pero hamak na mas bata siya sa amin. He’s the child prodigy in our school, a genius, even though he’s not officially enrolled. I heard he’s pursuing Juris Doctor right now pero para maging normal ay pinapapasok pa rin ng mga magulang sa wastong lebel.

By now, Conan must have already shown Ilay his massive Lego creation. It helped him with his ADHD.

Pagkatapos silang pagmasdan ay ibinalik ko ang tingin sa alapaap. Madilim pero hindi uulan. Isinandal ko ang ulo sa headrest, hindi tinatablan ng maingay na pagkanta ni Bee. A week of pursuing Carlo drained me to the bones.

“You’re not going to sing with me, are you, Cala? You’re just going to lay there like a dried lettuce?”

Tahimik akong umiling, nakapikit na.

“Paano kung ito na pala ang huling beses na mag-a-outing tayo? Tapos pagsisisihan mo?”

“Leave me alone, Beatus.”

“Wala akong magawa! Pagod na ‘ko kumanta.”

“Then eat or whatever. Join the boys and swim.”

“Ayoko nga. Conan just wants to play hoops, and I still don’t get Ilay. Masyado siyang seryoso at boring. Ewan ko nga kung bakit gustong-gusto siya ni Conan. Are all the Delgados like that, by the way?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” Really, Cala? “Just shut the hell up and let me rest.”

“E ano’ng gagawin ko rito?”

Por dios…

Nasaan na ba kasi sina Orion at Mara? Nagpaalam lang sila kanina na may bibilhin sa labas pero ano’ng oras na? Wala tuloy makausap ‘tong isa.

“Sa Monday ba ay lanta ka pa rin? Hanggang kailan ka ba magmumukmok dahil lang inayawan ka ng driver mo? Ha?”

“Excuse me. He’s not just my driver. He’s Sinclair Delgado. The Sinclair Delgado.” Kailangan talagang ipagdiinan, Cala? “He’s a special case at hindi ko pa man nasisimulan, bigo na ako. Kaya huwag mong ma-lang-lang ‘yon, Beatus.”

“So you’re sad because you think you failed?”

That’s it.

“He… rejected me.” Marahas kong tinanggal ang shades at binalingan si Bee. “He. Rejected. Me! I already did everything I could to convince him pero ayaw niya talaga. But that’s not the point e. You know why I feel sad? It’s because of the rejection. The failure. I hate it so much and you know it.”

Napaigtad si Beatus sa pagtaas ng boses ko. It instantly made me guilty, but he’s the one pushing my buttons! Hinilot ko ang sentido.

“M’sorry…” He pouted, his eyes evading mine like a wounded puppy.

“It’s not your fault."

“Si… Ilay? Hindi ba pwedeng siya na lang ang interview-hin mo para maging okay na ang article?” He offered still.

“He’s legitimate,” buntong-hininga ko.

“M-Maybe that’s it? Because Carlo is illegitimate, that's why he doesn't want to discuss his private life with you? Or with anyone ever?”

“Natural mente.”

“Too sensitive for him… I get it,” bulong ni Beatus kaya medyo naguluhan ako na may naintindihan siya pero ako ay wala. Wala pa rin. “Can’t you find another topic ba?”

If I did, I would have done it already. Pero ayaw ko ng iba, gusto ko ay si Carlo lang. Iniisip ko pa lang ay walang makapapantay sa maisusulat ko kung siya nga at kung hindi, palpak na kaagad para sa sarili kong criteria.

There’s just this challenge within me that only I could win or fail because… I am my own enemy.

“I think… I think you got it all wrong, Cala.”

“A-Ako? Mali?” Mapakla akong natawa. “Pa’no mo nasabi? Sige nga!”

Kung ibang tao lang ang nagsabi sa’kin noon ay baka nagkaroon na siguro ng giyera. Or maybe that’s the purpose of having a best friend. Para ipamukha sa’yo ang mga hindi kayang ipamukha ng ibang tao.

“You’re not sad because you got rejected. And I’m saying this based on the years we’ve known each other, okay, Cala? I think, kaya ka malungkot at galit ngayon ay hindi dahil inayawan ka ni Carlo. A bit, maybe. I don’t know how much. But the majority, you’re feeling down because of your expectations… for yourself.”

Hindi ako nakakibo. Ang tanging nagawa ko lang ay ang samaan ng tingin si Beatus.

He then grabbed a single French fry and proceeded to lecture me with it!

“They all know you’re an achiever but what they don’t know is that you’re frustrated to win. To always be the best na you'll tire yourself out. Fortunately, I know that part of you so… Dare I say, allow yourself to exhale. Like this. Ha…" He literally exhaled. "I was going to say pahinga pero ayaw mo no'n, so at least breathe. Just a tiny bit of air like…" He exhaled again but with feelings this time.

“Are you shitting me? Because that didn’t help at all.” Humalukipkip ako. “Your argument is invalid and pointless. Therefore, I’m in the right, as always. Alam ko ang sarili kong feelings at malungkot ako kasi hindi ko nakuha ang gusto ko. That's all there is to it, Bee. Now, can I sulk in peace?"

Napanguso ito. Ibababa ko na sana ang shades upang magkapag-siesta na pero nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin.

"Ano na naman?"

"I just gave you my pro-Calanthe advice. Now, I'm giving you the anti-Calanthe one."

"What?!"

"I was kind of hoping na my first point will touch you. But you're cold as ice nga pala," kibit-balikat niya. “My second point is, you’ve been meaning to probe into Carlo’s personal life without valuing it…” 

Tumagilid ang ulo ko.

“Baka para sa’yo, ang buhay niya ay para lang maisulat sa papel. Tapos kapag binasa na, lulukutin na lang at itatapon. Like a tissue paper. Human lives are more than that, you know, Cala."

“I know that."

“'Di nga? You can’t lie to this face. The more it pushes you away, the more you get challenged! Baka tuloy challenge na lang din sa'yo ang sumulat ng article tungkol kay Carlo at hindi na isipin ang feelings niya?"

"I… respect his feelings…" Lumiit ang boses ko.

Do I?

Wasn't it just his story that I really wanted, at least initially?

"Ano na nga ulit ang goal mo? Bakit ka na sad ulit? Kasi hindi mo na maisusulat ang story ni Carlo o dahil ayaw niyang pumayag na isulat mo 'yon?" inosenteng tanong ni Beatus.

“Your anti-Calanthe advice sounds more like a pro-Carlo!” I hissed.

Napangiwi ako dahil… parang nakalog ang utak ko! I couldn't believe my dumbass of a best friend easily rattled my scheming brain!

Now, I don't know what I want. To succeed in submitting the finest article for our magazine, to write his story, to respect and value his feelings while doing so, or get his approval to do all those things. Nagkanda halu-halo na!

"But why?"

"Ano'ng why? Ano na naman?!" pagalit kong sigaw. "Parang awa mo na ha, Beatus. Pagod na 'ko. I'm going to take a nap!"

"But why…" Sumingkit ang mga mata nito sa ulap, parang walang narinig.

"Ugh!" But I couldn't resist. "But why what?!"

"Why are you sad?" Pokerface ako nitong nilingon.

Napamura ako. "I just told you, malungkot ako kasi hindi siya pumayag-"

“Do you like him, Cala?”

Umawang ang aking bibig. Unti-unting ngumisi si Beatus.

"I know you… Sinungaling ka sa una e pero kalaunan, your true colors show! I just know it!" He's too proud of himself.

After my moment of shock, nag-relax ang mukha ko hanggang sa ako na ngayon ang poker face. Isinuot ko muna ang aking sunglasses, itinaas ang dalawang paa sa lounger at tinanaw ang madilim na langit.

"What if I do like him?” I muttered coldly. “Ano’ng mapapala mo?”

A loud, dramatic gasp escaped Beatus that I fought hard to remain serious.

“G-Gusto mo si Carlo? Gusto mo nga, Cala?!”

Bago pa man makasagot ay dumating na ang golf cart, sakay sina Mara at Orion. I rested my head and finally closed my eyes, the sound of Beatus a soft lull in my head.

Do I like Carlo?

I smirked.