Chosen by the Tsar

Birthdays at Home

     Tsar Petriv refused to let me go home for any holidays, stating that I should be with Palona during these special times. He did, however, allow me to go home for each of my and my family members birthdays. 

     Every time I went home, it was the same routine. After breakfast a carriage would take me to the edge of the city where the paved roads ended. It was here that Marcov would meet me. After the usual pleasantries and long embrace, we would walk down the dirt road to my parents house together, with a guard following us a short distance behind.  Upon arriving, they (Belis, Mother, Father, and Midas) would all hug me and tell me how much they’d missed me. We’d spend the entire day together, including lunch and dinner.  Each family member would ask me if I was “okay” at least half a dozen times throughout the day. No matter what I said or how many times I assured them I was “okay” the sadness in their eyes and the guilt in their voices wouldn’t go away.  After dinner, we’d have cake and ice cream and whoever’s birthday it was would open gifts.  The Tsar always made sure to send me with an extravagant gift whenever it was one of their birthdays.  (I knew he was just trying to buy their approval).  After gifts, everyone always seemed to sadden very quickly.  We would embrace again, but this time even longer because we did not want to say goodbye. Then Marcov would walk me back to the carriage with the guard close behind.  Like clockwork, the carriage would pull up to the palace again just as the sun was setting.  This was a routine I began to look forward to and incredibly cherish.

    It was during our first walk, on my first visit home, that Marcov took me by surprise with the frankness of his question. He looked back to make sure the guard was far enough away, lowered his head towards me, and whispered, “Has he touched you?” At first I was shocked by his question, but then I realized he and Midas must have had a very direct conversation upon my leaving just as my mom and I had had the night before I left.  Knowing this still didn’t keep the heat from rising up into my cheeks as he stopped walking, stepped in front of me to prevent me from continuing any farther, and asked again, louder this time apparently no longer caring if the guard could hear, “Has...he...touched you?”  

    At first I was going to lie to him.  What good was telling him the truth? There was nothing he or anyone in my family could do. I was the only one there and the only one who could do anything about it. I opened my mouth with the intention of telling him “No” to take away his pain and make the conversation end as soon as possible. But as he stared at me I felt the wall I’d been building around myself to keep the Tsar out suddenly crumble.  This was Marcov, my best friend! So, I told him everything.  I told him how the Tsar wouldn’t stop staring at me in the dining hall and how I’d tried to escape him.  How the Tsar had attempted to touch me in the courtyard just a few days before and how me forced me to return to the dining hall at dinners so he could continue to stare at me with his grueling eyes.  Marcov’s brow furrowed with every sentence I spoke but when I was finished he simply looked at me and said, “I’m proud of you Kaylis.”  

     With that, another routine had been set.   I looked forward to these walks because it was during these walks that I could truly confide in Marcov. We wrote to each other often but I couldn’t tell him everything I wanted to in our letters for fear they would be read by either the Tsar or my parents.  I wasn’t sure what the Tsar would do but I knew my parents couldn’t know these details as it would break them even more than they already were.  I rehearsed what I was going to tell him on the days before my visits so that I didn’t leave anything important out.  Each time he asked me the same painful question. Each time I could tell he was scared of the answer and enraged once he knew,  but still he wanted to know the truth. 

     Our walks back to the carriage were always much quieter than our early morning walks. Neither of us ever knew what else to say that we hadn’t already said during our day together.  It was on our evening walk on my 16th birthday that Marcov kissed me for the first time.

           ——————————————

     I could tell when I arrived that day that  Marcov was more nervous than he’d been during my other visits home, but I didn’t know why. We had our usual conversation and I explained to him how on several occasions  the Tsar was halted from forcing himself upon me only because others, including Palona or the Tsarina, had walked into the room.  “He’s becoming more aggressive and every time I dismiss his feeble attempts he seems to get more and more determined.  I don’t think he’s used to being rejected by anyone.”  It was then that I looked down at Marcov’s hands and saw he was squeezing his fists so hard they were turning white.  I stopped walking and turned towards him. “Are you alright?”

     “You’re the one the Tsar is forcing himself upon and you’re asking me if I’M alright?!”  He let out a soft sarcastic laugh and then sighed, “I’m fine...”  He wasn’t fine, he couldn’t even look at me. He was trying to hide all emotion from his face but that gave him away even more. We walked the rest of the way to my parents’ house without another word. 

     The rest of my birthday felt incredibly awkward.  I continued to force a smile for my family but every time I looked at Marcov I could tell he was intentionally avoiding eye contact.  

     When the night was over our walk back to the carriage was even more awkward. We were almost back to the carriage and neither of us had said a single word. I couldn’t stand this, I couldn’t leave with us not talking and me not knowing what was going on with him. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told y...” 

     “Don’t! Don’t ever say that again!” He had stopped walking and was holding me by my shoulders. After avoiding my eye contact all day he was now staring me straight in the eyes. “You have nothing to be sorry for and I never want you to keep ANYTHING from me. Do you hear me?! ANYTHING!” I nodded but was unable to say anything before he continued. “ I’m just so angry because there’s nothing I can do and I... I...” He looked away from me as he tried to finish his sentence.  I turned my head slightly to follow his gaze. Just as I realized he was looking at the guard, struggling to carry the gifts from my family, I felt his lips crash against mine. I was shocked at first but after I realized what was happening I relaxed and leaned into his lips. They were so soft and tasted like cake frosting. He pulled me closer to him and slipped his tongue ever so gently into my mouth, filling it with the sweet taste of cake once again.

      All of the sudden, we heard someone clear their throat. We both reluctantly stopped kissing each other and looked in the direction of the noise. The guard had caught up to us and was now staring at us from only a few feet away. Before I could even look back at Marcov, he softly kissed my cheek and gently whispered, “Happy Birthday,” into my ear. I closed my eyes for the split second his lips touched my cheek and in that second he slipped something into my hand.  When I opened my eyes the only person I saw was the guard, with an inquisitive eyebrow raised. I looked down and slowly opened my hand to find a crystal heart necklace inside.  I looked everywhere but Marcov was no where to be seen.