Shift Valley

Chapter One: Permission to Suffer

My home was small and cold. There were three rooms, but only two looked lived in. All the walls were olive green but I swear that it was the bluest house in town. I lived here with my husband, Sem. But Sem didn’t really live here with me. He was never really home. Not because he had a very demanding job, but because he just didn’t want to be.

When he’d come home, he’d be really high and sometimes a bit drunk even. He wouldn’t have much to say to me, only a few questions like, “Where’d you put the...” or “Did I have any mail today?”. Nothing meaningful to me. Nothing I could connect with. It’s something I hated but learned to eventually settle with.

Sem and I met in university. He was a senior my freshmen year. Just like all the other senior guys, he preyed on freshman girls. Pretending to be nice, pretending to care, just to sleep with her and then effortlessly disappear. At that time, I was pretty naive to that lifestyle, I just wanted my first mature relationship.I saw Sem as a man that I wanted to learn to love. I took a strong liking to him early on and when he did his disappearing act, it killed me inside. I began chasing him then. I had cultivated so many sweet feelings for him inside of myself, to give back to him.

That was love to me. I cared about him so much, and I didn’t care that I was abusing myself, I wanted the man running away from me.

But he didn’t want me.

He was a womanizing maniac but I couldn’t find myself letting him go.

He graduated from the University but never really left the area. He started attending graduate school nearby the university. I still saw him on campus from time to time throughout my college career. He’d be romancing a woman every time I saw him. We would talk on and off, have s*x here and there, and occasionally I’d break down wondering why I was still in love with a man who couldn’t care less if I died in his arms. I once had a nightmare that I actually died in his arms and he just pushed me to the side and brought another woman in the room and romanced her right next to my dead body.

Loving him the way I did was a disease.

It wasn’t all bad though. When we would be together, even for just a little while, he would be so good at pretending that I was the only one. When we’d get intimate, he’d kiss me gently and tell me the sweetest things. I would begin to cry, not because I was sad, but because he was precious to me and I knew he would never be mine.

That feeling haunted me, for a very long time.

After I graduated college, we lost contact. I was relieved and devastated at the same time. I was really hurting during that time. I still loved that man. I really did. I thought that if I would cry over anything every day, I was very glad that it was him.

I didn’t think I’d ever find a man that could make me feel so strongly about him.

Eventually, I started moving on with my life. I casually dated with nothing serious coming out of any of them. I became a multimedia journalist for a small company. I made enough money to move out of my parent’s home and rent a small studio apartment in a quiet neighborhood. I picked up new hobbies, like pottery and archery. I even started learning two new languages, Portuguese and Swahili.

I began living a slow beautiful life. Without Sem. And it was wonderful.

In my apartment complex, they were a bunch of young people like myself. Most were in graduate school or trade school, others in the beginner level of their career.

I believe that most of us were under the age of thirty though.

When I moved in, people noticed immediately. Everyone in the complex was pretty close and it was a tight-knit community.

I actually enjoyed it. Everyone was so friendly and warm.

Especially Yani, a young woman who lived in the complex for four years before me. She was three years older than me. And she was absolutely stunning.

We ran into each other on the staircase and I dropped all the papers that were in my hand. Extremely apologetic, she helped me pick everything up and offered to buy me a chai tea.

I remember finding her warm personality so refreshing and we became friends quite instantly.

Come to think of it, I don’t see her much these days.

I don’t see anyone much these days.

The sound of keys immediately snapped me out of my stream of thoughts. I checked the alarm clock on the nightstand and it read 9pm. I walked outside of the bedroom into the hallway to see a not so sober Sem. I clasped my hands together and watched as he took off his jacket and shoes and put them into the closet. “Hi Sem.”, I said lowly. He looked up and our eyes met for the first time in a very long time. I’m not sure why, but I still felt a bit happy when he would look at me. Every time our eyes would meet, I’d remember why I loved him.

He was my baby.

Sem then got close to me and proceeded right past me into the bedroom. No words were uttered to me. I closed my eyes and wished for a better marriage, a better man, a better me.

I then walked to the sofa in the living room to lie down. I felt defeated once again. I couldn’t satisfy my own husband. That thought made me feel worthless. As I lay on the couch, I rubbed my hands on the soft arms of the chair. My mind became quiet and my eyes became heavy.

Later that night, I woke up a bit disoriented and disheveled. I glanced at the clock on the living room wall and it read 11:55 pm. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. While sipping the glass of water, I took a seat at the kitchen table. The house was so silent and I could feel the loneliness creeping up all around me. I gazed out the kitchen window at the pretty night sky. I could see the moon from here, and it was absolutely lovely. It was full, bright, and it made me feel a little less lonely. I finished up my glass of water and walked to the kitchen sink. I absentmindedly washed the glass and placed it onto the drying rack. Afterward, I watched my feet as I took the short walk to the bedroom.

In the bedroom, I saw a sleeping Sem, he had his shirt off and it was thrown on the floor right beside the bed. I stood over him and watched his chest rise and fall gently. The curtain in our bedroom window was drawn and the moonlight was caressing Sem’s chest. The light was also shining onto Sem’s silver dog tag chain.

Sem was so handsome to me. I never felt so attracted to anyone but him. And even as I stood before him knowing that he didn’t care about me, I could still feel myself wanting all of him. I missed being intimate with him. I missed all the sweet things he would say to me, even if they were all pretend.

My thoughts were interrupted when his eyes fluttered open. I stepped back just a bit and he sat up in the bed. He just stared at me as I nervously stared back. Even though I loved him, I still feared him a bit. He held so much power over me that I knew it would be so easy for him to seriously harm me at any given time. I stood no chance against him.

“Come here.”, he commanded with a stern tone. I hesitated before slowly walking over towards him. “What were you doing?”, he asked staring right into my eyes. I gripped the bottom of my shirt as I started to become nervous. “I uh, just wanted to see you. It feels like a long time since I have seen your face. I miss you.”, I said honestly in a low voice.

I gazed at him. I wondered what was going through his mind.

“Come to bed.”, he told me coldly. I nodded slightly and walked over to the other side of the bed. I entered the bed and pulled the covers over my entire body. Next to me, I could feel Sem doing the same. The room then fell dead silent but my eyes stayed wide open.

I knew that I couldn’t spend my life feeling bad for myself. I just hated how much this man meant to me. Cultivating a love for someone and watching it grow meant everything to me. I’ll try to be stronger another day, just, for tonight, I needed the permission to suffer.