Running From Their Choices

What just happened? Seriously, what just happened? I can’t comprehend what I am seeing. I see the blood on the floor and the blood coming from Wes, who's currently on the floor surrounded by Nate and Eli… but, I still can’t seem to understand what just happened. It’s like I am on auto-pilot trying to help, trying to move, trying to function, but I am not there. It’s not until I see Shawn out of the corner of my eye that I snap back into my current reality. I feel the warm blood on the side of my face, hear the blood rushing through my ears, and smell the sulfur from the gunshot. “What the f**k?!” I scream at him as I launch myself at him. Throwing punches and kicking him like, I am trying to purge the anger and pain that I am feeling. “How could you?!” I seeth as he easily restrains me and starts pulling me out of the garage and down the driveway. Seeing the old truck at the end of the driveway I know exactly what he is doing. “I told you to stay away from them.” He says calmly as he continues to take me towards the truck. “Didn’t I warn you? Didn’t I warn ALL of you? I told you to stay away from each other, and to NOT force my hand.” Then I hear him opening the driver's side door with one hand as he throws me into the truck. Numbly I sit there and don’t move until he begins to maneuver himself next to me, making me slide over on the cream-colored vinyl bench seat in the truck so he can get behind the wheel. Did he warn me? Yes, he did. But, what was I supposed to do? They have been my friends for most of my life. Staying away from Nate, Weston, and Elijah was like asking me not to breathe. Not only was being close to them something I needed to do because they were like an extension of me. It was something I did without thinking, without knowing, and without thought. They gravitated toward me as I did to them. It was like an internal compass where we were the four points and our pull always brought us together. It’s how it always had been until recently anyways. “I can’t do that, and you know it!” I yell back as my heart is breaking and my mind is racing to think of clues to reassure me that Weston will be okay. I can’t remember where my asshole brother shot him. All I remember is all three of them getting in front of me, between my brother and me, trying to diffuse Shawn’s anger before they let him near me. Then I heard the shot. Immediately after I felt the warm blood splatter on one side of my face and body as I move behind Wes to catch him. As soon as that shot rang out, Nate, Eli, and I were around Wes. Nate and Eli were bent down around him trying to assess his injury, while my mind was still whirling… having trouble catching up with what was happening. Until I saw Shawn. Fucking SHAWN. My blood is boiling because none of this makes sense! As if feeling my turmoil Shawn speaks up, “I shot him in the arm, Estella, clipped him actually. I did that so I wouldn’t hurt him. Believe me, they have had worse.” Have they had worse? Probably, but I wouldn’t know because they shield me, just like everyone else. I am so tired of all of this. They make decisions and I pay the price. How is that f*****g fair? Everyone sees me as the little girl that needs protecting and they keep everything from me, aside from orders because those are given to me by everyone around me under the guise of protection. “Only Shane and Creed know I came after you tonight. No one else knows, not even Pops.” That is code for “don’t open your f*****g mouth because I covered for your ass”, but the deeper meaning that has me not responding is “no one knows that the Royals had the club princess”. So f*****g stupid. What are we, Romeo and Juliet?! The families don’t get along so we can’t be together? I played their game and listened to all their rules, but I am done with all of it. I try to calm down, knowing that he has a point, but I am just so f*****g frustrated, angry, and tired… so f*****g tired of trying to figure things out. Keeping my eyes on the road in front of me looking through the windshield I grit my teeth “So what am I supposed to do Shawn? Just pretend that they never existed? Am I supposed to act like they were never a part of my life? OUR lives?” I take a moment to take a deep breath while toying with the hem of the denim skirt that I was wearing. Knowing that I am no longer on the brink of a complete meltdown, I continue, “I just don’t understand. I can’t make myself tear away from them without a reason. All I have been ever told is that the Dead Men and Royals are enemies, but no one has ever said why,” and it’s only then that I am able to turn my body to face him and he continues to drive us home, which will be another thirty minutes or so. “Do YOU even know why?” I continue. Shawn doesn’t respond because even though he is in line to take over as the Prez once my uncle steps down, he still doesn't know everything about the club. However, I do get a reaction, his hands tighten around the old-school wood steering wheel making his knuckles white. Gotcha big bro… he knows I’m right. He knows that even after all this time, all that he has done for the club for Uncle James, and everything our family has been through during his journey with the club… he is still not privy to some information, information like this. Yes, he wasn’t as close to my guys as I am, but he had a relationship with them once. They were like his younger brothers too. He spent time with us too. Just like Shane and Creed did. How could Shawn f*****g shoot Wes?! Even if he did just clip him? Shane and I are actual twins, and only 11 months younger than Shawn. We are what you call “Irish twins” to Shawn because we are less than a year younger than our dear big brother. Being that we are so close in age and that we live in a city that is run and influenced by drugs, violence, and illegal activities all of us built memories together. When you found a safe place to be a kid and let your guard down you went to it whenever you could. This city wasn’t the safest place but it was home and we found our way to enjoy what we had together. Our home was just that for all of us, and Dad welcomed it. Even though we were a part of the Dead Men to an extent our home was safe. Dad would say “we are the lesser of the evils” never discrediting our connection to the MC. However, he never allowed the MC business to touch our home. All of us kids would hang out together. Summers were filled with water fights in the yard. Movie nights where dad would get us pizza would be reserved for the weekends. And the holidays… even if there wasn’t anything fancy we shared what we had and loved being together. My heart hurts at how much I miss the past. This whole situation hurts so much. The only time we separated was when my brothers wanted a break from me, and I never resented them for it. I always understood that I was the sister and that it wasn’t cool to always be with me, and I always dreaded that at some point my guys would at some point leave me to go with the guys. Especially at the age when boys start to notice girls and girls start noticing boys. I thought for sure the guys would leave me to go with my brothers and Chase, who never had any issues getting girls’ attention because just like my guys Chase, Shawn, and Shane were built and good-looking. But, that never really happened. Elijah, Weston, and Nate always chose to stay with me… until everyone started to pull us apart. Until the MCs got involved. A light caught my eyes and then I realize that we are home already. Huh, going down memory lane took up the rest of the drive. It’s so easy to get lost in good times, to remember when my heart was whole, and when there wasn’t so much pain and anger. When I was healing from losing mom and dad. Well, let’s get this s**t show over with.