Alphas broken mate

Broken stuff do not fix themselves easily

Daniel

It felt like everting froze for a second as I stared at her. There were flashes of so many emotions in her eyes as she stared at me, but I had the feeling very few of those emotions were good. Another gentle trace of her fingers along the delicate lines of her mating mark sent shivers down my back... it felt as if she was indirectly touching me... and I hadn't felt her true intentional touch in so long.

My heartbeat picked up, and I could barely take a breath in as I stared at her confused as to how this was possible and happy for it in a sad way. The little tingle from my mark was spreading, traveling in all directions at the same time, filling my body with warmth and heaviness that made it almost impossible for me to breathe.

"Erin..."

Her wide glass-like eyes concentrated on my face and it settles on one emotion this time instead of the hundreds that I saw just a moment ago. Now there was only confusion there and sadness.

The need to soothe her, comfort her was too strong for me to ignore, so without thinking about it any more, I leaned in closer, gathering her in my arms. It was hard to tell whether it was my wolf making me do this or was it just a habit I picked up over the years, but I could not describe it as something else other than natural.

To my own surprise, she came into my arms willingly as I pulled her close and onto my lap. She clung to me as if we were drowning, and I was her lifeline. There was no way for me to describe how I felt when the familiar wait of her body pressed into mine. For a moment I was scared to move, what if I spook her and she would run again, but I couldn't sit still, not when my hands itched to touched her after all this time. I could not ignore this need to comfort her when she was so close. And so I let my hands do what they craved as my palm gently caressed her back in hopes to sooth her shivering body.

It felt like we were in a dream or under a spell. I am not sure why, but neither of us moved... maybe because we were both scared to break the moment... or maybe because we just couldn't move. As both of our bodies... both of our wolves missed each other and craved to be close.

But truth be told, I didn't care about the reason why we were finally so close again, at least physically. I was just happy to hold her.

I was just happy that she was in my arms willingly.

I was just happy to have her delicate scent tickle my nose again.

This felt like a true dream come true, because I had dreamed of her having her this close for many, many nights over the last few years.

So I let myself enjoy this for a few moments. I could just pretend for a bit that all that s**t didn't happen, that she hasn't left me... that she hasn't been away for all these years... that she does indeed love me...

It is easy to pretend that we are just happy and in love with no complicated reality to consider. That it was just as simple as me loving her and that it was enough just as it was when we were younger.

I buried my face in her hair and just let myself pretend that this was my reality.

We sat like that... for... a while.

Honestly I have no idea how long I sat with her in my lap, but I was sure that I could sit like this for an eternity if only she and the outside world would let me. At some point she must have dozed, but I only realized that because she started to shiver again but in a different way... a different yet familiar way. She was having a nightmare. Her whole body became unnaturally stiff, and she started trashing in my arms.

Sounds of struggle and pain left her throat as I tried to keep her in place, to keep the moment of the dream there as long as possible, but it was clear that it was gone.

"Erin..."

I whispered her name right next to her ear and she went still for a moment.

"Erin, baby... you are alright... I won't let anyone hurt you..."

My hand started to move up and down on her back, knowing that it was one of the few things that calmed her down. I started by drawing circles with my palm on her back and she stopped moving, but her body didn't relax. It stayed in the same state of frozen.

"It's okay, you are safe..."

I let my instincts take over as I used to do before, as they rarely led me astray.

"You can relax baby, there is no one but you and me here. I will protect you from anything that threatens you..."

"But... but who will protect you from me..."

Her voice startled me for a moment.

It was low and crackly, making each word sound as if it was forced out of her throat more than anything else.

There was no light or softness that I was used to hearing in her voice, it sounded so unfamiliar and painful that it took me a moment to process what she said. When the words sank in, I was the one frozen.

She... her... she said that I needed protection from her.

FUCKING HELL.

Those words felt like bullets piercing my chest.

For the first time since she left, I truly wanted to cry.

She wanted to protect me, just as I wanted to protect her... but it was not the outside world she was concerned with hurting me... no...it was herself.

She wanted to protect me from herself.

All that happened.

Her leaving.

Disappearance.

The look on her face.

It all made sense right now.

Well, okay, not sense because it was not true and her fear of hurting me was an exaggeration. But it felt like a better, more sincere answer than the hundreds of reasons why I thought she left.

And her reason was so painfully sad that it made my heart ache.

She did this to protect me.

She left to protect me from herself. Which was a stupid notion in itself, but I could see how it made sense for her... she always had this... idea that she was bad and that her badness was going to hurt me or the pack.

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I buried my face in her hair again.

Sure it did not solve any of the mess that she created by leaving and it did not prove that she loved me, because if she did she would have stayed... she would have told me this instead of disappearing after living that stupid note that said do not look for me.

It still filled me with anger and sadness to think about that morning when I did not find her in bed after our mating ceremony... and that freaking note was waiting for me on her pillow. I wanted to rip it to shreds, to go after her and drag her home... but none of that happened. Because after a moment, the anger was gone and in it's place was just sadness... and realization that she left me... that she never loved me... because if she loved me even tinny bit, she would not have left me like that.

Taking a deep breath I forced my emotions under control as I reminded myself of the plan and reason as to why she was here and why I could not confront her, not until everything settles in the pack. So instead I answered her as I laid a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"I will protect myself, you don't have to worry about that... now rest."