The Bad Boy or The Good Boy

Erica was raised by a single mother until she was 8 years old, when her mom married her stepfather. I was raised around all boys, making me just as tough as they were, and it never fazed me to get in trouble for fighting with anyone including the boys. No one at school would cross me the wrong way because they were all afraid of me because I wouldn't think twice about hitting someone or telling them what or how I  thought about them. I had a mouth on me, knew how to fight, wasn't afraid of anyone or anything, and always backed up what I said. I was taught not to start a fight, to always be the one to end it, and not to let people push me around. Around sixth grade I realized that I really shouldn't act the way I had, and soon mellowed out. Even though I had mellowed out I still had an attitude and temper that I couldn't always control no matter how hard I tried. Anytime I got in trouble at school I would call my grandma, because I was closer to her than I was anyone else (my grandma was my saving grace every time more times than I could count). My grandma Josephine (my dad's mom) was the only reason I even knew my dad or anyone on that side of the family. I enjoyed spending weekends and summers with my grandma, my aunt, and my cousins. We always had the best time, and would take at least 3 vacations during summer break together. The day the senior class of 1999 was graduating would be what I thought was the worst day of my life, but I wouldn't know anything about it until after the graduation ceremony was over. Once graduation was over I was in a hurry to leave because I was supposed to go to my grandma Josephine's house for the weekend . Once I was out of the gym (where the graduation was held), I was stopped by my mom and my other grandma (my mom's mom), I kept telling them that I would see them in a few days as I was leaving to go to my grandma Josephine's house. After I finished talking my grandma Lois told me she had to tell me something, and that it was important that I listened to her. That's when she told me that my grandma Josephine was in the hospital in Bedford, my cousin took her there, because she had a heart attack. That really scared me because I didn't know what was going on, and I took off running towards the school to call my aunt to find out what they could tell me about how she was doing. They said she was stable at this point, and that the hospital knew I would be arriving soon. My mom decides that it would be better if she drives me there because I'm crying too hard and acting too irrational to drive myself. We finally made it to the hospital where my grandma is, I didn't ask anyone, and informed everyone there including the nurse I am staying there regardless of what they say. About a week later they transferred her to Jewish hospital in Louisville. I wanted to go see her in Louisville, but my mom told me I wasn't allowed to drive or take my car out of state. Of course by now I'm aggravated because I'm not allowed to drive myself down there and no one else has a car to take me down there (because their cars weren't reliable to take that far), so I went to my dad's house and told him my dilemma. I told him what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, but I needed someone else to drive for me because I didn't know my way around down there. He decided that I was right so he drove my car so that I got to see my grandma and so he could see his mom. I took my dad, his girlfriend, and their 2 boys (my half brothers) with me.  On June 2,1999 she had to have a triple bypass heart surgery, when she came out of surgery she was still sedated. They allow her to come to on her own. She was awake for about a week, but she was complaining about hurting so they sedated her again and kept her sedated with pain medicine. Since she was sedated they put her on life support, and that is not something that she wanted done. My family had made the decision to take my grandma off life support, but I wasn't sure when they planned on doing it when they told me. It hurt that they had planned this because I thought she was going to get better, and be able to come back home. I was upset because she was there for me more than my mother, helped raise me, and was more of a mom than my own mom. I was angry at my family for not listening to my logic, but they told me I didn't know what I was talking about because I was only 17. On July 1, 1999 my world got turned upside down, it was the worst day of my life. I was supposed to work and open with my boss, I was getting ready to go when my cousin called me to tell me he was on his way to get me. I asked him why and where we were going, and he informed me that we were going to the hospital because they were going to take grandma off life support. As soon as I got off the phone I called my boss, told her I wasn't going to be at work, and explained why and what was going on. She told me not to worry about it, and to come see her when I got back from the hospital. Time to say goodbye I definitely wasn't ready to let my grandma go, and this is not a trip I wanted to take. I didn't want to talk to anyone,I wanted everyone to just leave me alone, but of course that didn't happen. My cousin, Jason, and his friend tried to talk to me all the way to Louisville, but when I wasn't answering them they told me that it didn't mean it wasn't going to make it any better or less real. I told them it wasn't fair, she watched everyone else grow up, graduate, and have a family except me. They told me just because she won't be here physically she would still watch over me, and be able to experience all that with me. I didn't want to think about it that way, I wanted her to be there physically and emotionally with me to see me go through these changes. I wasn't mentally, emotionally, or physically prepared to say goodbye and let her go (I guess no one ever is).  We finally arrived at the hospital, it felt like it took hours when in reality it only took about 45 minutes. We went up to the ICU where the nurses led us all to a family room, and we were all allowed to go in to see her. I wanted to be there to hold her hand when they took her off life support, my aunt and uncle wouldn't let me, and asked the nurse to take me back out to the family room. When I got back to the family room I was placed in a seat between Jason and his friend because they knew I would need both of them to help me keep it together or I would end up in the hospital because of a nervous breakdown at 17. (I was sitting there crying like a little kid that just had her favorite toy taken from her.) They took her off of life support at 12 noon, it took her until 1:15 to take her final breath, and before she did she opened her eyes and looked around the room two times. The nurses came in to tell us with grandma's sister, I was pulled into Jason's lap as I lost it, and just sat there crying as he held me like a baby.