The Former Mrs. Tan

On The Domestic Front

On the domestic front, I must admit, I lost my appetite for s*x during those times of struggle as a working mom. Herbert tried to seduce me but I was never in the mood. 

One night, I was lying on my side and felt Herbert's arms around me. He kissed my nape and put his legs over me. I felt his erection behind me. I turned to face him and gave in to his kisses. He moved quickly, and aggressively, he was hungry for me that he entered me immediately.

"I'm sorry if I bypassed the foreplay," he whispered. "I've miss you so much."

"Hmmm..." I moaned that sounded like a hum.

However, I felt so clinical, so technical. I wished he didn't notice I was faking it. He continued with his maneuver until he came and panted afterwards. I pretended to pant as well. 

"Thank you," he whispered to my ears.

"I need to go to the bathroom," I said and got up.

ANOTHER NIGHT, I SAW HERBERT having a hard time zipping his pants.

"You've gained weight," I said while rubbing a towel on my hair to dry. "Your tummy is starting to bulge."

"Well, it goes with fatherhood, I guess," he said as he put on his belt.

I stared at the mirror and started combing my hair. I was looking at Herbert's reflection as he started putting on his socks and shoes. Fatherhood suited him well. 

After being married to him for three years, I don't find him sexy anymore. Abruptly I realized that I'm no longer turned-on with his half- naked body, and even less so when he's totally naked.

On the other hand, I couldn't imagine "letting myself go" due to motherhood. With my position at the office, I can't afford to look unattractive. So I tried my best to diet, exercise, and maintain my figure which Herbert, sad to say, wouldn't do.

Sometimes, he would whisper to my ear, inviting me to have s*x with him. I was not sure if it was wrong timing on his part, but I never seemed to be in the mood. So my response would range from "I'm sorry, I'm tired." or "I have my period." or "I don't want to get pregnant again." 

I knew he was disappointed every time I turned him down. So his alternative would be to masturbate in the bathroom. Once, I caught him m**********g and pretended that I didn't notice. 

I felt guilty sometimes for turning him down so I decided to give in to his desires. I approached him, offering a quickie against the sink. Memories of our first wild f*****g in the bathroom of that motel came to mind while we're doing it in our own bathroom. Unfortunately, I vividly remembered the act, but not the feeling.

RAISING UP TWIN BOYS WAS CHALLENGING, too. Sometimes, Herbert and I would fight on trivial matters. I was very tired when I came home from work. Without even changing clothes, I kicked my shoes off my feet and lay down on bed. Then I heard the babies cry.

"Can you check what they're crying about?" I heard Herbert from the bathroom. "I just started cleaning here."

"Herbert, I'm tired!" I raised my voice so he could hear me.

But then again, as Herbert would insist, it's still my duty to check on the kids. I had no choice but to get up and check the twins. 

I've checked their diapers, they were dry. I tried to put their feeding bottles in their mouth but they pushed them away. I've checked their temperatures with my hand, no signs of fever. I've checked their mouth, no signs of new tooth or swollen gums or inflamed tonsils. Still, they kept on crying. Out of frustration, I shouted.

"What's the matter with the two of you?!"

"Hey, don't shout at them," I heard Herbert shouting. "If you can't keep them silent, let's exchange places. Clean the bathroom here and I'll take care of them."

I carried Brian and stroked my palm on his back as I swayed and hummed a lullaby. At that time, between cleaning the bathroom and taking care of the kids, I would rather choose the latter.

Then I saw Herbert coming out of the bathroom, drying his hand with a towel and carried Brandon. Together, we hummed a familiar lullaby and swayed the kids. 

And as if on cue, both kids stopped crying and they fell asleep after a few minutes. I gave a sigh of relief when I lay down Brian back to his crib. Herbert lay down Brandon down as well. He tapped my shoulder and returned to his cleaning.

I went back to our bed, lay down, and fell asleep immediately with my office clothes still on.

HERBERT TRIED TO STRENGTHEN our marriage. He made sure that we would go out as a family. We discussed plans. We decided to spend the twins' first Christmas with Herbert's family in his hometown.

Typical Chinese, the Tans were so clannish that most of them live together on the same block. Herbert had been the first to move away. 

I found the women in their family domesticated and nevertheless proud of themselves. They genuinely appeared happy and contented.

Herbert's female cousins showed me their handicrafts --- crocheted or knitted sweaters, fashion jewelry they made out of beads, pearls and shells, sewn dresses, curtains, pillowcases, and tablecloths.

"Have you finished the cross stitch project you were doing?" asked one of them who I remembered saw me doing a cross stitch while I was still pregnant.

"No, I haven't" I said as I shook my head. "I didn't have the time."

Not only I didn't have the time to finish it, but also I didn't have any more perseverance to go on. After sewing baby pillowcases and blankets, I tried to sew curtains for our windows, pillowcases for the throw pillows, table runners and tablecloth for the dining table. 

Tired of using the sewing machine, I shifted to cross stitch, thanks to the suggestion of a co-worker. I was able to make two projects and had them framed and hung on the wall. I failed to finish the third, the one Herbert's cousin saw me doing.

I took one of those hand-crafted bracelets. "It's beautiful," I said as I touched the colorful crystals that were joined by thin wires.

"I sell that for one thousand two hundred pesos with matching earrings, ring, and necklace," she said. "It's a genuine crystal I'm selling. I also accept made-to-orders. If you know someone who is willing to buy or sell these, let me know."

I smiled at the thought that they're making money out of their hobbies. But the thought of me having a hobby in a domestic setting, and making a business out of it doesn't fit my persona. I don't think I could make more money doing just that.

"This is cute," I said as took a piece of knitted sweater. "Did you make this?"

"Yes," another cousin answered. "You should try sewing shirts for your twins," she continued. "It's much better than buying them from the stores."

I smiled at her but inside I groaned. I couldn't imagine how boring their lives must be!