SAINT PAUL

my life has been a series of upside Downs left and rights.. one thing I learned, it's no matter how hard you try to do right ,sometime during that you realize theres nothing left in the world but wrong. everywhere you look you see bad things. people who lie people who steal people who hurt each other. see countries fighting over money and oil and ownership. see people that you love getting sick or injured and some of them dying from it. you see children or even grown-ups with physical disabilities they have no control over having. I see people with mental disabilities keeping them from living the life they want. you see somebody for example going to dialysis three times a week just to stay alive... not just to stay alive but to stay alive.. Then they're are the people who have the ability and still don't choose to do the things they want or in other words dream of. but there's definitely people that would blame it on somebody else that they have not done what they wanted. I'm not with all that. I'm that guy who takes responsibility for zone actions (his own actions.) I do not blame anything going on in my life on anybody else regardless of what the situation was and the impact it had and myself. the reason I have no job at the moment. the reason I share a rented house living with my mother. the reason I don't have a brand new vehicle. the reason my pockets are empty and I'm just barely hanging on. all of these things are the way they are because I let them become the way they are.. Its just nobody else's fault but my own. sure my mother father split up when I was about 2 years old too young to remember. sure my mom was a drug addict and an alcoholic and brought home abusive boyfriends when I was 4 years old that would beat her up in front of us, as in my two older sisters and myself. eventually leading to my father taking us away from my mother and bringing us to his home to raise us at the age of four I believe I was.. yet my father wasn't perfect.. he worked but also sold drugs and rarely partied as far as I can remember... although I do remember this one party he had when I was 4 years old were you had some friends over for a WrestleMania event between the hulk and Maniac hulk Hogan and macho Man Randy Savage with whom at his side was Queen Elizabeth herself. not the queen of Elizabeth of royalty but the Queen Elizabeth of WWF wrestling in which hulk Hogan took that title that night. anyways back to what I was saying. the father had shares of ups and downs but it was when I was 7 years old I believe that it all came to a halt. the day that that Dakota county drug task force decided to break down our door to tear my house apart looking for drugs and money. but we'll get to that later.. what I'm really trying to say is that no matter what I went through, I am where I am at today physically and mentally because of my own actions.. my own thoughts my own doings put me to where I'm at right now. and that's just facts and that will never change . so where I'm at right now.. I suppose I can take you along on a journey showing you what happened and where it happened and how it happened it and also what didn't and has not happened , in order to get me to where I am at at this exact moment.. I'll do my best to explain it but everything will be 100% from my own point of view. without holding anything back..without any guiltyness or conscience about what I say.. regardless of how any audience would feel about it. was born in 1983. in the early days of December. no nothing in this city of Saint Paul, Minnesota.. I was born from two parents that were nothing 22 years old. and if you think that's crazy, I already had two sisters that were four and five years old. how you would ask me what is my earliest memory in life. and I mean memory as in first thing you saw felt smelled tasted . it's a very first thing I ever remembered after being alive that I know of.. my answer to you would be remembering a visual of the credits from the very first Star wars movie ever made. and if not that a little steering wheel toy that was pretty much a small front end of a red car with a shifter that went forward and backwards a little screen and a steering wheel that you could turn left a notch and right a notch which would move the car on the screen in and out of traffic is part of the game you were playing.. I got to remember this is 1983 so the car in the screen were made of little green pixels that barely moved.. the traffic that was coming towards you was just bigger blocks of green pixels that led up in the parts of the screen where you had to turn away from in order to win.. honestly I don't know if I ever wanted how much I've been played the f*****g thing I just remember that is one of the first things I ever remember in this lifetime of mine.. now we skip ahead a couple years and another early memory I have also happens to be of a toy but this time a zoo... I never even used it as a zoo though. what I remembered is driving my toy cars my matchbox cars up and down the hill was kind of like a slide that went into a cool tunnel that came out the back of the zoo I just thought it was the coolest thing in the world because it was like a garage for the cars.. and even though I send the toys and only 4 years old I was also just learning what music was.. and that was something far greater than that toy.. and that someone singing that music that I first heard happened to be Jon bon Jovi.. shot the heart you're too blame darling you give Love a bad name.. duh duh duh I'm sure you know the song.. Rocked out with a couple good times before my older sister threw it out the window and despite of me doing something wrong to her but I'll never forget the heartbreak of that vengeance. I felt a series of sad and couldn't do s**t about it.. to this day I still don't really know what I did wrong to deserve that one but probably something .. haha just like when I thought I was a tough guy around that same time and told my mom f**k you b***h for some reason. for some reason I thought I'd get away with it until she chase me down and grind it up bar of soap across my mouth in my teeth and everything. deserve that one too LOL hahaha. but I don't think I deserved what came next.. sometime in that year my mother must have been somewhere around 25-26 at the time was currently in college with my auntie I'm not sure for what subjects but she was also subjecting to a party lifestyle in which her boyfriends didn't like to party as much as you get over the way she did and which in one instance and perhaps the one that cost a change in my life from that point on my mom would bring boyfriends home that would like to beat her up but in this particular situation beat her up so bad that it changed everything in my life from being raised up by Mom to I went to live with Dad.. both my sisters and myself all went. ...