A Fight From Within

"Is this day ever going to be over" I think to myself, as I look at the clock in front of me, waiting on the bell to ring. I hate highschool, but especially hate Algebra 2. Literally when am I ever going to have to do this again in my entire life. "Heather Owen, to the office to check out please." Mr. Thompson said over the loudspeaker, interrupting my thoughts. "Thank God," I say to myself as I start gathering my books, anything to get me out of here. I walk to the office, but when I open the door of the office to check out, I stop as I spot my Aunt Karen with a solemn look on her face. My heart immediately sunk. Why was she picking me up, and why did she look like she had been crying? I snap myself out of my thoughts and sign the sign out sheet, pick up my bag and walk silently out of the office with my aunt beside me. The silence was deafening by the time we got to the car. I quickly jump into the front seat, praying that she will hurry up and break the silence. We sit silently in the car for what felt like forever before Aunt Karen began to speak. "Heather there is now ease way to say this," Karen starts "but your sister, Amelia was in a wreck this morning and she didn't make it sweety, I'm so sorry." She finishes, as she grabs me into a tight embrace. My head was spinning with a million memories of Amelia and I together. This can't be happening, this has to be a sick joke, or a mistake. I look up and from the tears streaming down her face, I immediately realize this isn't a joke or a mistake. The stabbing pain in my chest is almost unbearable as I sit back into my seat and let the wracking sobs take over my body. Why? How? This cant be happening, not now. Amelia was 18, barely out of high school and headed to college next year. She was the golden child, the one who's smile could light up a room. She always had a kind word for everyone and always knew how to cheer you up when. you were down. Oh God, how could this be happening. The pain in my chest now has turned do a deep burning like I had been stabbed repeatedly in the heart with a hot knife. I hadn't even realized we had pulled up to my father's house until Karen opened my door, interrupting my thoughts. "Come on sissy, let's get you inside." My Aunt Karen said as she gently grabbed my arm to lead me into the house. When we got inside I immediately went to the couch and sat down. Of course my dad wasn't here as he has thrown himself into work after this last divorce. Karen came in the door and put my bags inside. "Why couldn't you have taken me to Mom's, I need to be with them right now." I plead. "Honey, your mom and Robert aren't handling this well and it's best for you to be here and let them grieve." Karen quietly said as her voice trembled in pain. Amelia was my half sister between my mother and Robert. My mom had an affair before I was born and it didn't come out until my mother and father's divorce 14 years ago. I was only two when they decided they were no longer in love. Both sides were equally guilty of infidelity so it was easy for them to part. My mother married Robert 6 months after the divorce and my dad married his second wife around the same time, they quickly divorced. Dad was on his fifth divorce at the moment. "Heather", Karen's voice interrupted my thoughts, "I hate to leave you alone, but I've got to get back home before Amy drops the kids off. Casey should be here shortly. I love you and call me if you need me." She kissed my forehead and walked out the door. I was actually relieved that she was leaving. I've gotten used to being alone, plus I needed to find something to numb some of this pain in my chest. It was becoming hard to breathe. I wait till her car pulls out of the driveway before I get up and go to dad's medicine cabinet. I open it and start searching for exactly what will take this pain partially away. Two bottles sit in front of me, both of which are almost full to the top. Thank God because he wasn't notice if I take some of each. I've been doing this for a few months and haven't got caught yet. It actually started one night when my dad was at work and my friend convinced me to check his medicine cabinet out for certain medications that would make us feel good. She said it was kind of like being drunk, and she was right, but way better. It helped to make me feel less awkward and all the anxiety and pain went away. I grabbed both bottles and dumped about ten of each into my hand. I quickly put two of each into my mouth and began to chew as I threw the others into my pocket for later. I grabbed a little bit of water to wash the bitter taste out of my mouth. I carefully put the bottles back exactly how I found them and walked back to the couch. I laid down and waited for the pain in my heart to relent. It seems like it was taking forever as a laid in a fetal position, crying uncontrollably. Finally the pain started to subside and my mind began to become numb. My head swirled as the medicine kicked in. Although it took some of the pain away, the pain in my chest was still there. I begin to think of the many wonderful memories Amelia, Casey and I had. I was the youngest so I was always the tag along. My mother always made me go with my sister's and be the spy. This one time in particular came to mind as I lay there with my head spending and my heart clenching. Amelia and Casey's boyfriend's came over to visit and because of the snow, they had to park at the end of our gravel road. We lived approximately three miles down the gravel. When it came time for the boys to leave of course the girls wanted to walk then to their cars. It was already dark at that time so I was really hoping she didn't make me walk with them because we lived in the middle of the woods and there were all kinds of animals out there. To my disappointment my Mom said they could walk the boys to their car, only if I walked with them. I don't know if mom wanted me to go so they didn't do anything wrong, or if she wanted me to go so her and Robert could get high while we were gone. Nevertheless, it looked like I was going. I bundled up and went outside with the girls and their boyfriends. "We are only walking them to the bridge, Shortcake so don't worry we won't be out to long." Amelia said knowingly. Amelia knew I was scared to be out past the yard when it was dark. "Ok." I replied cheerfully. At least we are only going aile up the gravel, nothing should get us in that short of a walk. We made it the bridge without any issues. I waited with my back turned as the first and their boyfriends gave each other slobbery kisses before the boys headed off the rest of the way to their cars. Gross. I always hated when they made out. Who really wants someone else's slobber all in their mouth? Definitely not me, I was never getting a boyfriend. Loud howling interrupted my thoughts. Oh no, here we go. Howling started on all sides of us and I began to cry. There were coyotes in the woods around our house. They weren't dangerous on their own, but when they were in a pack, they could easily take us. Amelia realizing I had begun crying, pulled me close to her and started belting out a song as loud as she could, Casey following suit. "One last dance with Maryjane, one more time to kill the pain" they belted out loudly. I began to laugh as the sound of the howls began to subside. We continued the song all the way to the house. Amelia always knew how to fix things, but now she's gone. That thought jolted me out of the memory and the pain began to take over again. Thousands of hit knives piercing my heart at once, as sobs violently rocked my body. I started to get sick to my stomach, and I barely made it the bathroom before I started throwing up. I threw up till all that came up was the yellowy acid that was in my stomach. I sat there crying until my legs were numb, then I remembered the remaining pills in my pocket. Since I had thrown up so much, it probably wouldn't hurt to take a couple more to ease the pain. It shouldn't hurt I thought to myself. I would have said anything to myself to feel numb again, talking myself out of rational thinking. I tried to get up but my legs were so numb I couldn't stand. I pulled myself onto the toilet. I reached into my pocket and dug until I found what I was looking for. I took to more of each, chewed them up and swallowed without water this time. It took about 5 minutes for the feeling to come back into my legs, when it did I went ahead and grabbed ten more pills out of each bottle. My father honestly never took these unless he had to so he wouldn't notice. Even if he did notice, he probably wouldn't say anything since there were three other half full bottles from the previous months. As I was brushing my teeth I heard the front door open. "Heather, are you here?" Casey's voice resounded through the house. "I'm in here sis," I replied. Casey came running through the bathroom door tear stains still on her face. She grabbed me in a tight hug and just held me as we both cried for a few minutes. Finally drying both of our eyes, Casey asked if I had eaten anything. "No" I said slurring my words a little. That last round of pills I took was starting to kick in, combined with the fact I hadn't eaten since breakfast, they were affecting me more than I thought they were going to. If it hadn't been for the fact that we had both been crying all day, Casey would have noticed. "I'm going to order some food, dad probably won't be back till late tonight. We both need to try and eat, even if we don't want to." Casey said in her motherly tone. She was always looking out for us. Always made sure we were getting what we needed and doing what we were supposed to. I just nodded and walked to the couch to lay back down. My head was spinning so much from the pills that I was wobbly and needed to lay down or sit down before Casey noticed. At last the numbness was taking over my body and I could finally breathe. I laid there with my body relaxed enjoying the feeling that was taking over, forgetting about what was going on around me, and what happened this morning. Swirling into a numb kaleidoscope of pleasure. The pain was gone, I felt invincible, and to me that was the most important thing, not that my sister had just died, not that I had just stolen medication from my dad. The feeling of being completely numb, almost free from this world in my mind, that indescribable feeling of pleasure the pills induced in my mind and body. I fell asleep before the food got there and woke up still on the couch the next morning. My father hadn't even bothered waking me up when he got home. I got up, still groggy from the night before and instantly I remembered what happened to Amelia, a wave of nausea hit me like a ton of bricks and I ran to the bathroom in my dad's room. There was nothing left to throw up and the dry heaving was extremely painful. It hurt to the very core of my body, it felt like someone was punching me in my stomach repeatedly as my body tried to rid all of the pain it was still holding in. The overwhelming, searing pain came back in my chest and I laid back sobbing in pain. Why? I kept telling myself that this has to be a dream. This can't be real. I'll wake up and it will all be over, Amelia will be beside me with her bright smile and her deep blue eyes, telling me it will all be ok. I picked myself up off the floor and reached in my pocket for more pills to forget this was our reality now. A world without my wonderful sister. I chewed a few up, washed the taste out of my mouth and headed out of the bathroom. My father's bed was empty, like usual, letting me know he was already at work. Why did he not wake me up and hold me? Why did he not console me and tell me everything was going to be ok? Why had he not even bothered to tell me he was sorry for the loss of my sister? Was some part of him glad? All these thoughts resonated in my mind as I made my way to the kitchen. I had to eat something or I knew I would throw up the pills I had just taken. I grabbed a takeout box out of the refrigerator and forced myself to eat a few bites of the cold noodles, just enough to keep me from throwing up the pills, but not to much so that it wouldn't weaken the effect of them. Casey walked into the kitchen and kissed my forehead. "I'm so glad you're eating something sissy, I didn't want to wake you last night when the food arrived. You looked like you were sleeping peacefully and I didn't want to interrupt that, considering .." she trailed off before she went into detail of the events of the day before. With tears in her eyes she reached for the coffee pot and started making coffee. "Why can't we go to mom's." I repeated the question I had asked my Aunt the day before. I just wanted my mom to hold me, I needed someone to hold me. This grief was more than I've ever felt before in my life, and I needed my mom. "We are going this afternoon. Heather, they aren't handling this well and I think as being away for a few weeks will let them grieve." Casey replied with strain in her voice. She wanted mom too. "What do you mean a couple weeks?!" I exclaimed angrily. Why can't I be around my mother? Why do I have to be here with an absent father who cares more about work than his own kids? "They just need some time so we will be living with dad until they are ready for us to come home. We are going this afternoon to get clothes and other things we need, and I need you to not give them a fight about this." Casey said with hurt in her voice. "Fine." I replied begrudgingly. When we got to mom's I had already taken a few more pills and it was becoming hard to get my thoughts together, let alone form coherent words. As I walked in I could smell the stench of what gave mom and Robert the most peace. I hated that smell. It always reminded me of a dead skunk. Who in the world can actually inhale that crap? We walk to the bedroom and Robert and mom are laying in bed, both of their faces swollen and puffy, tears streaming down their faces, both of them in what appeared to be a zombie state. I ran to my mom and grabbed her just to be close. She rubbed my head as we both sobbed. "I love you girls" she declared through sobs. I continued just to hold her, breathing in her scent. She always smelled like the same perfume, the one she's used since I was a child. We held each other for what felt like hours, crying. Eventually Mom broke the silence as she pulled her self together long enough to tell us when Amelia's services will be and that our things were already packed. She then rolled over and began to hold Robert as they started sobbing together again. Even though I didn't want to leave, I knew that was our que to leave them alone. As I was walking out of the room, I noticed a few baggies on the dresser full of that awful smelling stuff they always smoked. Knowing they were preoccupied, I grabbed one of the baggies. Maybe with this and the pills, the pain would completely go away. If it worked for them, maybe it would work for me too. When we got back to dad's house he was actually home and waiting for us in the living room. My first thought was he figured out I had been taking his meds, s**t I thought to myself, not right now, I really need them. My thoughts were immediately dismissed as he began to speak. "Girls, I'm sorry I wasn't here last night, some last minute business deals came up," he stated calmly, as if our world hadn't just been shattered. " I just want to tell you girls I'm so sorry and I love you. I'm leaving my credit card with Casey for you girls to go get outfits for the funeral, also pick up whatever else you need. I have a prior engagement out of town this week, so I won't be able to go with you to the services. I will also be leaving the car with you girls to use while I'm gone." He finished as he stood up and walked towards us. He hugged us both in his big bear arms and kissed the tops of our heads before he grabbed his luggage and walked out the door, leaving the keys to the car and the credit card on the table. Oh how I wished he would have called off his "prior engagements" and just stayed with us. How could he just leave us like this, right now? I should be used to this by now, but it hurt everytime. His form of parenting was to throw money at us to show affection. I would rather not have material things and have my father by my side. Doesn't he realize this? I never had the guts to say this to him though, I was a coward when it came to my father. The effects of the pills were wearing off, and the pain of Amelia's death, not being able to have my mother, and my father leaving in the middle of all of this, was all too much. I excused myself and headed to the bathroom to grab some more pills out. Thank God the old bottles were still there. I didn't care anymore if he found out I was taking them, so I grabbed a whole bottle of each and out them in my jacket pocket, not before popping a few more of each in my mouth. The next two days were a blur. We went and picked out dresses for the funeral, black and modest. I let Casey pick mine out as I really didn't care what I was going to wear. Tomorrow was the funeral and I didn't want to go. I was still wishing this was a dream. Casey left to go help set up so I was home alone. I didn't want to go, I actually couldn't bring myself to go and put up pictures and hang flowers. It was to much. When she left I grabbed a few more pills out of my jacket pocket, and with the bottle, the little baggie fell out. I had completely forgotten I had taken this when I was at moms. "What the hell," I thought. might as well smoke some of this too. Maybe the pain will change completely go away for awhile. I poured myself a glass of brandy my dad had in his "special cabinet" and headed outside with the baggie, papers, and my glass of brandy. My first hit, I coughed until I thought I was going to throw up, but I continued. I would do anything at this point to feel numb. I smoked until the joint was gone, finished the glass of brandy and laid back looking at the starts spinning overhead. Have they always spinned like that? I don't remember passing out, but I woke up to Casey shaking me. "Heather wake up, are you ok?? What were you thinking?" She screamed as she grabbed the glass from beside me and smelled the contents. "I can't believe you are drinking at a time like this, get up and go get in the shower and go to bed." If only she knew the other things I was doing, she probably would have called my parents. Not that they cared or anything. I staggered into the house, got into the bath and soaked in there until the water was cold. The reality that we were laying Amelia to rest tomorrow kept playing over and over in my head. She was gone.. Gone forever... It should have been me, not her. If anyone deserved to lived, she did. If there was a God, how could he not see this? How could he not see that I cared for no one but myself and couldn't make it through a day without getting high, stealing the pills and grass from my parents?? Amelia was selfless, and though of others before herself in every situation. This just wasn't fair. I would gladly take her place. **CONTENT WARNING ⚠️**. I grabbed a razor off the side of the tub and began making cuts on my inner thighs where the other scraps were. Between the blood and the pain, I started feeling a little relief, although it was only temporary. I had started cutting myself when I was ten, after I was molested. For some reason it helped with the pain. I rinsed my legs off and climbed out of the now freezing water. I dried off, grabbed a few more pills, and headed for bed. I was fully dreading tomorrow and I would have to be completely loaded to get through it. My alarm beeped at me loudly, reminding me that today was the day we had to bury my sister and say goodbye forever. Pain tore through my chest as I reached over and shut the alarm off. I couldn't breathe, this was all too much. Why? I don't want to do this, this ain't real. I couldn't accept this no matter how hard I tried. I climbed out of bed the minute that the pain eased up enough for me to move. I had to get to the pills hidden in my dresser drawer, I had to numb this pain before it killed me. I had read at one time about a disorder called broken heart diseases. Grief can literally kill you, and I understood now. I made it to the dresser and grabbed four pills out of each bottle. I had never taken that many at once but they were wearing off faster and the effects weren't as strong the last day or two. I chewed them up and laid back in my bed waiting for them to kick in and for my body to stop uncontrollably sobbing. Finally about a half hour later the effects were evident, I was numb and my head was spinning. The sobs became controllable and I stumbled out of bed. I grabbed my dress and shoes and put them on. I sat numbly in a chair as Casey fixed my hair and did a little light makeup. By the time she finished it was almost time. I excused myself to my room and grabbed my purse, throwing more pills into my mouth and some in my purse. Numb, that's what I needed, just numbness.