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Emilina. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. At least that’s what everyone said. The girl the name belonged to never believed for one second that she was beautiful. Dealing with bullies and fake people, mainly girls, was what she had to deal with every single day. When she wasn’t dealing with the bullies and fake people, she dealt with her inner demons. The demons were created in the pit of her thoughts and mind. The demons would come up with thoughts of her being worthless, stupid, and ugly. These thoughts were relentless and happened daily for years. She then put up a wall that she vowed to never take down. And she hasn’t brought it down yet. Not even for a boy or a friend. Crying was something that happened frequently and when it did happen she would be crying over something as simple as being called on the phone instead of texted. So where did this wall begin? What happened that caused the wall to be built and why? When Emilia was 4 her dad, who is in the military, went on a yearlong trip. With her mom being pregnant with her little brother, she had to do a lot of things around the house herself. She wasn’t able to cry because that would make mommy upset too. So she didn’t cry in front of mommy. She missed him but never cried. She was strong for mommy. If she wasn’t strong then mommy would be a wreck. How do you expect a 4-year-old to deal with this when she is unable to comprehend how to add or what colors are? You really shouldn’t. Her mom wasn’t a bad person for putting this pressure on a 4-year-old. It was understandable. Daddy was gone for a whole year. We were barely able to call. When we did call, it was short. Some days, when we both really missed him we would make care packets. She would put pictures Emilia drew and letters Emilia wrote to him in the box. They made a day chain. You would cut out slips of paper and write either the number of days or things you missed about the topic. Then you staple it in a circle. You would take the next piece and put it through the first circle and make a second circle. The idea is to make a chain. It’s hard to go through 365 slips of paper. It is a great time killer. At the age of 5 she was in Pre-kindergarten. She went to a Catholic School. She was a pretty good child. She shared her toys, too scared of confrontation, she played with others, just to get backstabbed by her so called friends. She still doesn’t remember this but her parents tell her stories about what happened. She apparently playing with this boy and he got upset with her and started choking her. The teacher stopped him but now, when things get close to her neck, she freaks out. At the age of 6 she was in Kindergarten. She still went to a Catholic School. So, what could be bad about that? Well how about being told what you must believe in. Being told that if you wear something low cut or that shows your shoulder that you are a slut. If you don’t wear shorts under the jumper you weren’t allowed to play and jump around. How about that if you follow all the rules and listen to the teacher and never curse or do anything wrong that no one gives a flying f**k about how you feel. That if you go to the teacher about a boy bulling you that they won’t do anything. If you go to the principle all she just told him to stop. THE KID DIDN’T CARE. Next day she goes in to school thinking she is safe but she’s not. She never cut. Heck she could hardly think about it without feeling the pain without doing anything. Instead she would fall and scrape her knees up badly. It would happen more than once a week. She would be in and out of the nurse’s office. Beginning of the day she would go to the nurse feeling sick from the anxiety of being in the same room as her bully. The nurse would give her a cracker and a glass of water. She would sit there for 15-20 minutes hoping that feigning sickness would work. She would get to go home. Then the nurse would send her back. She tried fighting back but she’s not a fighter so she accepted her punishment and went back to class. Let’s skip to Second Grade. In second grade her bully came over to her and asked her to follow him. She did. She went behind the stairs with him and that’s when he gave her a plastic wring and told her that he liked her. She told him that she absolutely despises him and left it at that. The laughing behind her back and taunting became worse. Her anxiety skyrocketed and she developed a bad coping mechanism called rubbing. We won’t explain that one. If you have serious anxiety, then you may know what this is. It’s truly embarrassing. This coping mechanism made it worse. Being the youngest in her class, she didn’t understand some of the things people watched or knew. So, she didn’t know it looked like m**********n. Now we are at Sixth Grade. This is when she left Catholic school to be homeschooled because she had run out of options. The adults wouldn’t do anything because her bully funded the school. So, they wouldn’t expel him like they said they would do to bullies. So she was homeschooled. This is when she got into chatting online with strangers. They were nice to her. Told her she was pretty, told her that they didn’t understand why people bullied her. But they were bad people. But she found one site where not many people are like that and if they are you report them. So where do you go? What do you do? Who do you talk to? Well that’s hard to answer.