Just another Tumor

Snow globe

Samantha Type 

“Just give me a second okay?”  

“So, me and you are just friends too, but if you ever change your mind.” He grabs my hand and I flinch for a moment then relax into his grip. My hand seems small in his, it fits like a puzzle piece though.  

“I know,” He squeezes my hand and it’s like he’s gripping my whole soul and it’s warm. “are you okay with that? Because I don’t know how long I need to figure things out.” 

“Yes, I’m okay with that,” he laughs and the sheets come to mind, they’re satin this time, much softer than before, “but if you could just give me a heads up if your going to pick Ethan. I don’t want to fight him for your hand.”  

“I will, goodbye Jayden.” 

“See you tomorrow.” He let’s go and I walk to Ethan’s car. He looks gull gray, no colour in his cheeks. “So…” 

“If you’ve changed your mind about me Sam, you can date him. I know you don’t want to be around me if I have a tumor and I get that. Trust me I am the most understanding person when it comes to that, but just… just make sure you don’t drag me along okay? I can’t fall in love with you if you aren’t planning on even giving me a chance.” 

“I’m not dating anyone right now.” 

“I know but later…” 

“I’m not dating Jayden, I’m not dating you. I’m not dating right now so, don’t fall in love with me. Don’t think of me like that, right now.” If you fall in love with me it’ll break my heart if I don’t choose you, please don’t fall in love with me. “Think of me as you’re very colourful friend, the weird overthinker with a weird obsession over colours.” 

“Okay. So, did you ever end up eating? I could go through somewhere quick?” 

“No, I’m fine. Thanks.” I wasn’t hungry, I haven’t been hungry since this date started, that’s a lie. I was hungry at the restaurant when we first got there. The smell of that place will definitely be one for the books. We drive in silence all the way to my house. I’m terrified to go in because most of the lights are still on. Meaning, Sarah and Mom are probably home and they’ll want details. I’d never tell mom but Sarah I might. She can always tell when someone’s lying, we always tell her that she should be a cop but she has trouble when giving someone s**t. She’s an angry crier. 

“Do you want to eat lunch together tomorrow at school?” He doesn’t look at me when he’s talking. I just want to see his eyes, I want to see how I’ve hurt him. I want him to see my eyes and how sorry I am for all of this. 

“That sounds lovely, Ethan.” 

“Great, so umm, see ya.” Please look at me. 

“Goodbye, Ethan.” He looks up at me, tears are at the edge and are waiting to create a waterfall. He looks broken. He is broken, and I did this to him. 

“Goodbye Miss Type.” He has a smile on his face but you can tell it’s not sincere. I get out of the car and walk over to the driver’s side. I tap on the window and he rolls it down. “What?” I kiss him on the cheek and say sorry. The tears start to flow down my face and I leave before he can say anything to me. I pause at my door and wipe away the tears. I go inside and see Sarah sitting at the table. 

“Hey you, I heard you went on a date? How was that?” Peppy cheery cherry self. 

“We’re just going to be friends, I’m not ready yet.”  

“Well friends are good, what’s his name?” 

“Ethan. I’m going to bed so, nighters.” I walk into my room and it seems mediocre. Not bright enough but it still has colour. Maybe I’m just making this up in my head. I completely screwed things up tonight. I shouldn’t have asked him on a date in the first place, it was stupid, I was stupid. Imagine what Michael would’ve said about tonight. ‘There is such a thing as thinking before talking or doing. You do know that don’t you Sammy?’ I can hear him saying it. I lock my door and grab a box out of my closet. I rip it open to find bubble wrapped memories. I slowly take out the first thing and unwrap it. A picture frame of the family pre-mental breakdown three years ago. We all look happy Dad is staring at mom with one of those movie emotions, Stephanie the only one wearing white and black with everyone else in a rainbow. Sage and Seth in Sarah’s arms. Sean with a toothy grin and my arm wrapped around him. I look normal. Happy. Curled hair down to my waist and three earrings in one ear. My smile says simple and plain. You never would have thought that the girl in the picture would cut her hair to her chin and now have a painful look when she tries to smile. You’d never know the girl in the picture was a murderer. A killer. A disgrace to human kind. A basket case.  

I put the frame on my dresser on top of a doily, the next one I take out has a cloth wrapped around it. I carefully take it off and it’s a picture of Michael and I. Tears start to fall out of my eyes like a never-ending watering can. He’s kissing my cheek in the picture, I place my hand on the same one and I swear I can still feel it. His hair is messy and I look stupidly in love. Eyes not even open with the worst grin I’ve seen. I place the frame on the shelf above my bed. I grab the necklace he gave me and hang it off the corner of the frame.  

I go back to the box and find a snow globe. It’s a simple gold matte base with a single rose in the middle. I sit down and shake the globe till I can’t see the rose anymore, he gave this to me for our one-year anniversary. He said he would never buy me flowers but this was an exception. It’s supposed to be a Beauty and the Beast thing but I guess it still kind of is. He’s the beauty and I the beast. The fake snow has settled in the globe and I stare at it for a while. The next thing I know is there’s water on the floor and blood in my hands. The glass of the snow globe lays on the floor with the rose broken off the base.  

“Samantha are you okay? Open the door!” Mom’s voice sounds shaky, I guess it made a louder noise than I thought. 

“Sam open the door.” I hear my Dad’s voice but it might’ve been my imagination. He isn’t supposed to be home till next week. “Samantha Type open this door before I break it down!” Nope not my imagination. 

“Sorry I was trying to put some of my things out because I told myself to do a box a day and the globe slipped out of my hand.” My parents and siblings standing outside my door, my mom looks like she’s going to cry. Sarah stares at my hand and I remember the cut. “I tried to pick up the shards but I got cut by accident.” 

“Oh honey, okay I’ll go get the broom and the mop. Sarah can you help Sam with her hand?” She nods and walks to the bathroom while my other siblings slowly slink back to their rooms. 

“What are you doing home early?” I ask my dad and as he sighs.

“I needed to do some things with the house, your mother wants a sun room built before the snow comes.” He stares at my hand the whole time he talks. 

“I swear dad, it was an accident. I would never purposely break this. It’s from…” 

“I know. Umm, go get it fixed up.” He moves out of my door way and as I step over the shards he hugs me once I’m out. It’s the same kind of hug he gave me when I woke up in the hospital the first time. I walk to the bathroom and Sarah has the water running and a large bandage for me. I walk in and she closes the door behind me. 

“What the hell is going on?” She takes my face into her hands and brings me close to her, “You smashed the snow globe? At this time of night? Sam honestly if somethings going on talk to me before…” 

“Before I end up in the psych ward? Before I go have another break down?” 

“What is wrong, just talk to me!” 

“I went on a date and it wasn’t with him!” I break down and I’m on my knees. The granite floor is cold and hard but it doesn’t bother me.  

“Sammy…” she knels down beside me and places a hand on my shoulder.

“I went on a date with another guy and he’s just like Michael! He’s smart and funny and awkward but good and he’s sick! He’s sick and could die and I ran! Then I kissed this other guy and I don’t know what I’m doing!” She just stared at me. Crying on the floor, she just stared at me with an open mouth and wide eyes. “And on top of all of that my hand feels like someone cut it off and you’re yelling at me!” She picks me off the floor and helps me onto the side of the tub. She grabs a cloth and wipes my hand, gently. Then she grabs the bandage and places it over the cut.  

“You are Samantha Type, you will figure this out and you are going to make it through this stronger than anyone. Because you are bright and colourful and full of sunshine and clouds and hurricanes. You are a rainbow in a tornado kind of girl and if someone can’t handle that then move on. If this guy is sick but he’s what you want then I believe you can handle that. You are no simple colour Samantha. Okay?”  

“No simple colour.” 

“Exactly chickadee.” I breathe, just breathe. I am not a simple colour. Moderate Magenta. I’m such an i***t. I know I’m supposed to like the normal guy, the simple nice and kind, normal guy but, Ethan. He’s something else. Sarah leaves the bathroom so, I’m alone. I get up and look into the mirror. She was right about the hurricane part; my makeup looks like an absolute mess. Kind of like a really ugly mosaic, and yes there are ugly ones. The ones with too much direction that just looks like a collage of really accurate pictures but mine looks like the one a three-year-old made and put too much stuff together. Funny that I’m thinking that because I am not together at all. I walk to my room and there’s a residue of glitter on the floor and the rose is on my dresser with the base. 

“I have super glue in my room if you want to fix it. Well not fix but put the rose back on the thingy.” I look over and it’s Sean standing just outside his doorway. Head hung low, hands buried into the sides of his pajama pants.  

“That’d be nice. Thank you, Sean.” He shrugs and goes back into his room. I wonder if he’s doing it because Mom gave him s**t earlier and Dads home or if he’s just trying to be nice because of the little outburst. I sit on my bed and stare at the closet. The pictures wouldn’t look nice in there. I turn my head; the window looks much prettier.  

“So, where’s the thing?” Sean standing beside me with a bottle in his hand. 

“On the dresser. Why do you even have that in your room?” 

“Just in case someone breaks something and it needs to be fixed.”  

“Great answer.” 

“Stupid question.” He grabs the rose and carefully places a dab of glue on the stem then holds it onto the base. 

“Sean?” 

“What?”  He sounds annoyed as usual. 

“I’m sorry I ruined your life.” The air feels still, dry like I can’t breathe. I look at his face and tears are streaming down his baby cheeks. He doesn’t say anything though. He just holds the rose and base and stares at it. “I said I was…” 

“I heard you.” He interrupts. His hands are starting to shake, so he puts it down on my dresser with the glue. “Sam, I just…” He starts bawling. I get up and hug him. His arms can wrap around me now and it’s weird. I haven’t gotten a hug from him in a couple years. I don’t even remember him hugging me in the hospital. He puts his head on my shoulder and I can feel the tears dripping onto me.  

“I needed you to know I’m sorry I ruined your life and I’m sorry I ruined what we had Sean. I never meant to hurt you or anyone.” 

“You meant to hurt yourself.” I pause and choke a bit. I guess he’s right. The day after I got out of the hospital I took a razor to my wrists and locked myself away. He doesn’t stop hugging me but I think his tears have stopped. 

“I wasn’t in a good mind set back then.”  

“I know, but I guess I’m still mad.” 

“You can be mad. That’s your feelings and what I did was very, very wrong.” 

“I don’t think I was mad about the act of it and why you did it, I know it’s hard for you without Michael and all but I was mad that you were okay with leaving me. That you were okay to leave all of us.” He let’s go and takes a step back. “I know you loved Mike but I’m your brother and we are your family. You went on a date tonight and it just proves that he can be replaced.” 

“Sean, he can’t…” 

“Yes, he can. Yeah, you’ll love him forever and all that bullshit but you’re going to end up falling in love again and getting married and Mike will be a part of your past. But Sam, we can not be replaced. Seth and Sage, and Steph, and Sarah, and our parents and me. We can’t be replaced and that’s why I’m mad. Because you can’t be replaced!” This is the first time I have ever heard him talking about the whole thing. Tears streaming down his face, he looks raw. He looks like the old Sean. “So that’s why I’m mad! That’s why I will always be mad! You tried to leave me and didn’t even think twice about it! f**k, you didn’t even write a letter or anything about why you did it! You just went to go off yourself and didn’t think about the aftermath.”  

“I didn’t know…” 

“Yeah, you didn’t know. Your f*****g thing is fixed.”  

“Sean can you please…” I grab him by the arm and look into his eyes. His eyes are the same as the old him but his face is harsh again, just like his tone.  

“I’m going to be mad for a really long time. I just need some space for awhile.” He said it calmly as he shook my hand off. 

“Okay. Just, Sean please know that I love you, okay? Even if you’re mad at me, know that I love you and you will always be my brother.” 

“I know.” He walks out of my room but just before he exits the doorway, “I love you too, Sammy.” 

I start to cry and I hear a click noise from his door. I go and close mine and lock it. This will definitely make one of the most exciting worst/most communicative nights ever. Now I just need Stephanie, Seth, Sage and my parents to make it even better. I have never known what Sean was mad at me about, I had thought it was after the psych ward when I said I couldn’t go into that school and Mom and Dad decided to move. I thought it was about his friends and his football team. I wonder if Sarah and Steph are mad about that, and also to make it clear I did write letters. I wrote everyone a letter. Even Michaels parents. They were just hidden in my dresser, so that if my parents decided to put some of my stuff away it’d be the first thing they’d see. I did have second thoughts about it. I was terrified to leave, who would Sean have? He would’ve had support from Stephanie or Sarah, maybe he’d make more friends. Honestly it took me two hours to even put the razor in my hand. I still wonder what my family would be like, you know, if I wasn’t here to keep them on edge. I still sometimes stare at the butcher knife a little too long, pause before I shave my legs, I still think about it. I just don’t want to act, scratch that, I don’t think I could if it didn’t work again.