Just another Tumor

Pile of Ashes

Ethan Davidson 

    I’m literally just driving around, I have no idea where I am and my hand feels like it’s shattered. f**k I’m such an i***t! Girls like Samantha act like they’re different and or damaged but they are exactly like every other f*****g bimbo slut. Her and all her colours can go dive off a f*****g bridge. i***t, i***t, i***t. God! Why the f**k did I even think I had a chance with a girl like that?! I’m not particularly handsome or smart or funny or anything. I’m just a sick loser. f**k! And of f*****g course she goes with Jayden f*****g Cadger! That f*****g piece of s**t ass wipe! f**k, Ethan settle down, pull over and breathe. It’s going to be fine. You’ve dealt with rejection before. You are strong and brave for even picking up that girl. If you’ve dealt with rejection before why are you so f*****g upset about this one? You barely knew her for a day, not even a day! I laid my head on the steering wheel and all I feel is Samantha in my arms. Her glowy self was not there. She wasn’t warm, she wasn’t cold, she was happy. She was small. She was small and I understand why she picked Gainesboro now. And the whole putting her on a pedestal thing. She’s beautiful and bright but that’s not her. She didn’t want to be my fire because she was probably someone else’s and now he’s gone and she doesn’t know how to be bright for herself, she just wants to try. f**k Ethan! Why didn’t you go after her? Why didn’t you say anything else! She probably f*****g hates you or is terrified and thinks you’re a nut job for punching a f*****g car! God you’re an i***t! You had the girl and made her feel like she had to hold you up! f**k! I put the car in drive and I’m pretty sure I’m going 30 over the speed limit trying to find Jayden. Where the hell did he used to take girls on dates? What if he doesn’t even have her? Okay settle down just text her, wait pull over then text her.  

‘Sam, I need to talk to you.’  Wait for a reply, waiting, waiting, waiting… 

‘no.’ Come one Sam, give an inch at least. 

‘Please I just need to explain myself, or at least explain it more to me. I deserve that. At the least I deserve an explanation.’ I wonder if she’s ignoring me or is just staring at the screen. I might be answering a little too quickly. 

‘Where are you right now?’ 

‘Honestly don’t even know, where are you? I can come to you.’ 

‘Jayden said you know where he lives?’ I can’t f*****g believe her. She wanted to go on this whole date thing and now she’s at f*****g Jayden Cadger’s house? You’ve got to be f*****g kidding me. 

‘I’m on my way.’ 

I think I know where he lives. God, I haven’t been there since fourth grade. What am I even going to say to her? Hey yeah so, I still want to date you because I might not actually die for a while and high school relationships don’t last very long, so the least you could do is date me while I’m some what healthy and alive and want to be alive, thanks. Stupid. i***t. I should’ve just let her run away. Run away and be okay with it. Then I wouldn’t have to f*****g compete with Jayden and stupid f*****g hair. f**k! Okay I think this is his house? I’m hoping this is his house. If not, I’m ringing someone’s doorbell at ten o’clock at night.  

“Listen to me when I’m talking okay?” She looks sad, she looks like a storm cloud about to burst out with a hurricane kind of sad as she steps out of the house. I just nod my head because I don’t even know if I can talk. “I had the love of my life taken away from me, and it was devastating to me. Devastating like move to this town away from everyone I know, devastating. I’ve hurt a lot of people and I’m a fragile person with, you know that metaphor thing like I’ve built walls around me?” I nod my head again because I still can’t talk, I don’t even think I’m breathing at this point. “Good, because I don’t just have walls, I have a titanium wall built five thousand feet high, surrounded by a moat with crocodiles and piranhas, and another thing that will eat you alive. I am protected and vulnerable at the same time. And you? You are my only weakness right now.” 

“Sam…”  

“I’m not done talking.” she interrupts me but I’m okay with it, she needs to say her piece and I’ll say mine. “You are just like him, funny but serious and you get me and you don’t, but the part of you that doesn’t know me wants to tear me apart to know every detail and I can’t have that. I can’t have another love taken away from me like that. I can’t go and sit beside you while your hooked up to a vent and iv’s coming out of you… I just can’t do that again.” 

“Are you done?” She stops talking and I think she’s going to fall into a pile of ashes but she doesn’t. She just stares at me. 

“You are just like him. You don’t look like him, but you’re just like him. That’s another reason.” 

“Any others?” 

“I’m going to not date for right now.” 

“That makes sense. Could we still… could we still be friends, then?” 

“I don’t…”  

“Yes, we will still be friends. That’s what I need to hear from your mouth right now. Those are the only words I’ll accept. Okay?” If she doesn’t say those f*****g words I’m going to end up crying in front of a girl I barley know. I’m going to end breaking down in front of f*****g Jayden Cadgers front door in front of a f*****g girl. She’s just staring at me and I can’t feel the air around me. 

“Okay. Yes, we can still be friends.” I smile and she half smiles sort of. “Will you drive me home Ethan?” 

“Yeah. I can.” 

“Thank you,” she turns around and stares for a minute, “just give me a second okay?” I nod my head and walk back to my car. God why the f**k was this night so complicated? What the hell was I even thinking?