Irrevocably Mine

Chapter Three - Back

Going back home without anything to show for it was embarrassing, heartbreaking, scary, and more so because no one in my close-knit family members was alive to help me through one of the darkest anguish in my life. Luckily, my grandmother had left me her small yet homely house in her will. I never thought I would need it since I vowed to leave this hometown to chase my dream and never return, thank God I never had the will to sell it. But here I was, alone, running from my husband with nothing but a little nest to help me figure out how to start my life from the bottom.

Luke broke more than my heart; he took more from me than he will ever realize. I was on the verge of having everything I ever wanted. To have that taken from me so unexpectedly felt like someone was trying to yank me from a deep sleep.

I traveled for hours. Dozing off and then jostling awake from the memory of Luke with another woman. It's like my brain couldn't let me rest for more than a while without thrashing the memories back to me with a force of a storm. I knew that to begin again from nothing requires resilience. I can only attain that if I put aside the anger and betrayal I felt.

When we arrived at the bus terminals, I sat still, waiting for other people to descend so I could go last. I was too tired to start getting shoved around by anyone.

Pulling my luggage out from the storage compartment, I descended as well to be welcomed by wind so strong it made me sway. It was dawn, and the smell of the night mingled with a subtle taste of early morning. I put my bag beside me while I stood on the walkway, confused or perhaps afraid to move from there because I was heading to a life I didn't want back and wanted to delay it as much as possible.

"Are you okay, miss?" The driver called once he'd parked the bus at the far corner of the terminus.

I nodded, picking up my bag while pulling the suitcase. It was still a little dark, and I was a woman, alone in a place like this.

I took a cab to my grandmother's hometown—Haven.

Haven was a small town with few people such that everyone knew everybody's business. It was one of the reasons I spent a large part of my teenage years dreaming of leaving for a large city.

Now here I was, back in the small town I despised. Isn't it ironic that in my need, in my pain, it was where I knew I could hide, heal, and learn how to stand up again?

I paid the driver and watched him drive off before walking to my grandmother's house, now my house.

It was the same, small, homely, and welcoming. This house had once harbored more than my body; it has kept memories, secrets, and fights I had with grams over the years. It was all so nostalgic; I felt tears steaming down my cheeks.

I unlocked it, walking in slowly as if in fright, like I was afraid I would find something lurking in the dark. Nothing lurked, just memories and the absence of grams; the smell of dust

I felt stupid. Angry at myself as much as I was at my ex-husband. I allowed a man to ruin me, just like my father ruined my mother's life. I thought I was smarter than this, grams said I was.

Oh, grams, how wrong you were. I'm just like my mother.

Switching the lights, I dropped the luggage and stood with my arms across my chest as if I was shielding myself from whatever I was about to face, it was futile though. I couldn't escape from heartbreak or starting over with no one but myself to count on. The living room furniture was covered in grey sheets or curtains, I couldn't tell, and the windows were dirty, with dusty but beautiful white and red floral blinds a contradiction to the atrocious coverlets on the furniture.

I sighed loudly, physically exhausted from the journey, and emotionally battered from heartbreak it felt like my heart was literally bleeding. I couldn't sleep in all this filth, nor did I have the strength to check the state of the bedrooms, so I pulled the cover off one of the couches and lay down.

It was silent in here I swear I could have heard a pin drop if my heart wasn't beating so loud.

I lay there in my thoughts, my brain rehashing everything from the moment I saw Luke with his secretary, to presenting him with the divorce papers.

I know I was probably a loser, but I missed him. I know I wouldn't go back to him, but I've spent time with him, loved him to just forget about him in one night.

I knew it would be time to completely let him go. To let go of the dreams I expected to build with him including children. I felt robbed, like a huge part of me was stolen. This is the reason women got alimony. if I didn't want to disappear from his life as soon as possible, I could have demanded compensation.

He was the one that broke our vows. How could he?

He made me feel so insecure about myself, as f I wasn't enough like I lacked something as a woman that his secretary had.

why then, did he marry me instead of her? She was in his life long before I entered it. I couldn't understand it no matter how much I thought about it.

Closing my eyes, I put my head on the arm of the couch, going through all the memories of my marriage.

I remembered the love, mine to Luke. How much he could make me laugh, how he held me in his arms as if he never wanted to let me go.

I realized, to let him go, I had to relieve the memories instead of forcing myself to forget.

Tonight, I would allow myself to get lost in my beautiful life, the love I had felt for him. When tomorrow comes, I will have to put them aside for a while to focus on building myself. However, first things first, cleaning the house would be the first on the agenda.

Everything else would fall into place. I will make a list of what I need and a budget, and perhaps come up with a plan on how I expect to earn a living.