Home in your Arms

Today

CHAPTER 3

“I got a scholarship in New York University, dad,” balita ko sa kanya isang araw. Masayang-masaya ako. Ang mga classmates ko kasi noong high school ay sobrang anxious dahil mahirap daw ang entrance exam. Pero suwerte yata ako dahil mataas ang nakuha kong score. Mataas rin ang mga grade ko kaya binigyan nila ako ng scholarship.

Philippines is 12-hour ahead of New York. Kaya naman habang magka-usap kami through video call, ay nagtatanghalian sila habang ako naman ay patulog na. After Ely and Aciel went home, I don’t know what happened pero pakiramdam ko ay nag-improve ang relasyon namin ni daddy. Paminsan-minsan ay nagkaka-usap kami through video call, kagaya ngayon.

I graduated as valedictorian in high school. On graduation day, I was really surprised when mommy visited me together with my brothers. Hindi ko lang alam kung nasabi ba nila na nagbakasyon sila dito pero for their safety, hindi ko na iyon binanggit pa kay mommy.

“Congratulations, hija. We are so proud of you… I am very sure your daddy is so proud of you,” naluluha niya akong niyakap.

Really? If he really is proud of me then why he isn’t here? I smiled weakly. It’s comforting to hear affirmation words like that but words… are only words. And without action, it’s empty.

Kaya hirap na hirap akong paniwalaan ang sinasabi ni mommy na gusto ni daddy na pumasok ako sa isang sikat na unibersidad dito, na mag-aral ako ng mabuti, at grumaduate ako with latin honors. Pakiramdam ko lahat iyon ay kagustuhan lang niya.

None of it was dad’s.

Dati kahit madalang tumawag si mommy ayos naman ako. Hindi ko naman inaabangan ang mga tawag niya dahil kinakamusta lang niya ang lagay ko dito at wala na siyang ibang sasabihin pa.

But now, one ring and my hand is itching to answer the call. Kasi ngayon, nakakausap ko na si dad kahit saglit. It’s a chance for me, sabi ko sa sarili ko.

“You don’t have to do any of that, Astrid. Sigurado naman ako na kay Ely at Aciel mapupunta ang construction company,” aniya.

Napawi ang ngiti ko hindi dahil hindi magiging akin ang kompanya kundi dahil nasaktan ako na kahit kaunti ay hindi niya man lang maiparamdam sa akin na anak ako. Hindi ba pwedeng kahit peke ay sabihin niya na lang na masaya siya para sa akin?

Pero, hindi pa ba ako nasanay? E, wala namang nagbago maliban sa paminsan-minsan naming pag-uusap.

Kung ganoon, bakit ko pa ginagawa ang lahat ng ito? I’ve come this far yet hindi kahit isang gramo ng pagkatuwa ay hindi niya maiparamdam sa akin?

Through the screen, I saw him flipped the newspaper onto the next page.

“I-it’s okay, dad. Pangarap ko naman maging engineer--”

“Bakit hindi ka na lang mag-asawa ng mayaman?” natigilan ako sa tanong niya.

“Uh, I’m sorry, dad. What?”

Ibinaba niya ang binabasa niya saka humigop sa kanyang tasa. “You are a female, Astrid. You are not capable of anything bukod sa mag-asawa, mag-anak, at magtrabahao sa lob ng bahay.”

Hindi ko alam pero parang nainsulto ako sa sinabi ni daddy. Ganoon ba ang tingin niya sa mga babae? Sa mommy ko? Mas lalo lang ako lang akong naging determinadong may patunayan sa ama ko. That women, are so much more.

That same year, I made some friends in the university. Coraline from Philippines, Mikael from Spain, and Paula, Sharmaine, and Greg who are all locals in New York. Coraline is from family of lawyers pero engineering ang kinuha niya dahil ayon sa kanya ay gusto niyang maging iba sa kanilang pamilya. Mikael is older than the rest of us. He was a chef in Spain dahil sabi niya gusto niyang siya ang mamuno sa gagawin niyang culinary school. While Paula, Sharmaine, and Greg all wanted to be engineers. Lahat sila ay magaganda ang rasom. Unlike me, who just wanted to impress her father. Petty reason.

On graduation, my family, except my father, flew from Philippines to congratulate me. Masaya naman ako dahil for the second time, mom was there for me on my special day.

“Congratulations, Astrid…” sinsero ang pagkakabati niya sa akin.

“I’m so proud of you, ate.”

“Mas proud ako sa’yo, ate,” pakikipagkumpetensya ni Aciel kay Ely.

Natawa ako. Niyakap ko silang pareho at hinalikan ang kanilang mga noo. Nilapitan ko rin si mommy at niyakap siya ng mahigpit. It’s not like, I got the chance to do this everyday.

“What about you, Lily? Kailan ang graduation mo?” tanong ni mommy habang kumakain kami sa isang restaurant.

“Uh, next week pa po ma’am.”

Tumango ang mommy. “Anong kinuha mo’ng kurso?”

“Ah. Business po, ma’am.”

“If you took engineering or something related to that field, maybe I can a find a way to help you have a spot in the company. Pero pwede na rin ‘yan. What’s your plan after graduating?”

“Hindi pa po ako sigurado, ma’am.”

Pinunasan ni mommy ang labi niya gamit ang tissue at diretsong tiningnan si Lily na nasa tabi ko.

“Stop calling me ma’am, Lily. It’s not like we’re strangers. You spent a decade of your life with my daughter, that’s enough for me to treat you as family. Isa pa, I will always be thankful for you mom who has been taking care of Astrid. It was my duty because I am her mother but…” mapait siyang tumawa “Ipinaako ko sa iba ang responsibilidad ko.”

Yumuko ako. I’m sure we all understand what she meant by that.

Dalawang araw lang ang itinagal ni mommy at ng kapatid ko kasama ko. Ayon kay mommy ay dalawang araw lang daw ang ipinaalam niya kad dady. Okay na rin. At least nakasama ko sila.

“Daisy, thank you,” hinawakan ni mommy ang kamay ni Daisy.

“Walang anuman, Alicia. Parang anak na rin naman ang turing ko kay Astrid. Isa pa, mabait siyang bata at hindi siya mahirap alagaan lalong-lalo na ngayong may edad na siya.”

Tumango si mommy at sasa lumapit sa akin. “You take care here. Kahit hindi ako masyadong sumasagot sa tawag at texts mo pero please make sure that you update me with your life, okay?” bilin niya.

Tumango ako.

Today is their flight pabalik ng Pinas kaya nandito kami ngayon sa airport para ihatid sila. It felt heavy to see them off and without having any idea kung kailan ulit kami magkikita pero wala naman akong choice.

My brothers took turn to hug me tightly.

“Will you be going back, ate?” Aciel asked innocently.

“Hmm. Maybe soon?”

“When is that ‘soon’?”

Hindi ko alam, Aciel.

Nginitian ko siya at ginulo ang buhok niya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa kanya ang sitwasyon ko. That I was basically exiled from my own home.

“Let’s say a few years from now?”

“I need the exact number of years, ate. So I can start counting now.”

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. He’s really innocent.

“Mabilis lang ang mga araw, Aciel. Isang araw, paggising mo, hindi mo mamalayan lumipas na pala ang ilang taon.”

Ngumuso siya.

“Oo nga, Aciel. Makinig ka nga sa ate. Gusto mo lang naman siya bumalik para mapakilala mo ‘yung crush mo sa school, e,” sabat naman si Ely.

Tinitigan naman niya ng masama ang kuya niya.

“Ely, Aciel, let’s go. We have to board.” tawag ni mommy sa kanila.

“Keep your promise, okay?” Aciel said while showing me his pinky finger.

I smiled. “Promise,” I answered and locked both of our pinky fingers. He nodded.

Lily held my hand as I watched mommy and my brothers walk away from me. And even though it’s kind of sad that they’ll be going home, I know I am not totally alone because I have another sibling here with me.

Pagdating sa bahay ay agad kong nilapitan ang nakasabit na frame sa pader ng living room. It’s the picture we took after graduation. I am in the middle. Sa kanan ko ay si mommy kasama ang mga kapatid ko, sa kaliwa ko naman ay si Lily at si Daisy.

Sa tabi ng picture frame ay ang aking diploma. I am happy that I can now work and prove myself. But then, the longer I stare at my diploma, the more I realize that I don’t want to build buildings for people.

I want to build my own building. A hotel to be exact. I would like to manage it.

A hotel that serves as a rest place for travelers, and shelter for the lost.

It was not easy building my own empire pero kinaya ko because I wanted to be acknowledged. Little did I know it would cause a greater gap between me and my father and his family as if I was competing to have a greater riches than they have.

A crab mentality.

Later on, I realized I don’t have the energy anymore to be anything to them other than being myself. Napagod na ako.

Paglabas ng airport ay sinalubong ako ng matinding sikat ng araw. Kahit may suot akong proteksyon sa mata ay nakakasilaw pa rin ang sinag nito. Tiningala ko ang bugaw na bughaw na kalangitan.

It’s not about them anymore. It’s not about whether the accept me or not. It’s about my happiness. I’m exhausted of trying so hard.

Today, my life begins.

Today, I will break the chains that bind me.

Today, I will live for myself.