Never the Same

It's a Friday night. I walk out to my porch and I see the neighborhood is jumping as always, but I have an unsettling feeling in my stomach. It’s like I knew something terrible was going to happen tonight. I just don’t know what, when or where. At this point, I don’t even know if I should follow my instincts and keep my ass at home or blow it off. I hate when I second guess myself. Before I continue, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alexis, but my friends and family call me Lexi. I am 25 years old. I work at the neighborhood clinic as a Medical Assistant. In my eyes, I am not your average female. I am 5 foot 2 inches tall and what people call a BBW. For those that don’t understand what BBW stands for, it means Big Beautiful woman. You know the type of woman that is cute in the face and thick at the waist. Don’t get it twisted because I’m not the type of big girl with low self-esteem. I get just as many men as these skinny bitches, if not more. I heard BBWs handle d***s better! For you BBWs with self-esteem issues, remember there is nothing sexier than a person with confidence, despite their size. Let us just say I love the skin I’m in. Anyway, as I stood indecisively on my porch, this fine ass dude named Terrance walked past me. In my head, I am like, Damn Daddy! Only if he knew all the nasty things, I want to do with him and to him. I laughed at myself, not realizing I had a big ass grin on my face. I was standing there in my own little world fantasizing and didn’t even realize Terrance was walking back my way until he spoke and asked why I had a big grin on my face. He startled the s**t out of me. I was so embarrassed. He was over there grinning like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland, and it felt like he could read my thoughts. I started blushing like crazy because I was not ready for him to know what my thoughts were. Terrance is, I guess you can say, a neighborhood celebrity. Everyone in the neighborhood knows who he is. Not only is he a boss in the streets, he is a monster on the court when he plays ball. I even heard from these gossiping females that he is a beast in the sheets and swinging a meaty 9-inch d**k. So, a lot of females out here want him either for his money, his d**k or that neighborhood status. As for myself, I don’t want Terrance for his money or his status. I just want to f**k him and send him on his way. Now before you judge me, let’s be real. I am doing the same thing men have been doing for years. Plus, I have no time for the drama that seems to follow Terrance. I was just about to answer his question when my best friend Nicole pulled up. Of course, when she sees Terrance, she is practically throwing herself at him. Terrance laughs and tells me he will see me later, as he walks off. Nicole asked me why Terrance was walking and not driving his tricked-out Honda Ridgeline truck. I looked at her crazy and said, I am not that man’s keeper. He does what he wants to do. Nicole and I have been friends since middle school. We became friends when she stood up for me when others were bullying me. Anyway, when Nichole started questioning me about Terrance, I changed the subject and asked her what she was doing over here. She tells me she broke up with Tony and was over his bullshit. Tony is her boyfriend, well her ex-boyfriend now. I didn’t like him, so I was glad she ended it with him. Nicole wanted to go out to celebrate being single and asked me to go out with her. I agree, then go upstairs, shower and change clothes. As I do my hair and apply my makeup, I start getting that unsettling feeling again. Twenty minutes later, I hear a banging at my door. I was just about to tell Nicole not to answer the door, but it was too late. A few seconds after she opens the door, all anyone hears is gun shots. Tony, the dude Nicole broke up with earlier, shot her and himself. I screamed and was terrified that Nicole was dead. All I saw was a puddle of blood surrounding her. I ran over to her and realized she was still breathing. I begged her to stay awake while I called for help. I don’t know how I managed to stay calm enough to answer any questions that the dispatcher was asking me because inside I was freaky the f**k out. I went back to talking to Nicole and told her it was going to be okay, and that help was on the way. As I sat holding her, I was silently praying that she would make it. When the ambulance came, they put Tony in that black bag. That fool blew a hole in his head. As for Nicole, they loaded her on a gurney and drove her to the hospital with the lights flashing and siren blaring. I was going to ride with her in the ambulance but decided at the last minute to drive my own car to the hospital. The drive to the hospital felt like the longest drive of my life. My hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles had turned white. My heart was pounding so loud I could barely hear the music playing through the speakers. Every time I blinked, I saw Nicole lying on my apartment floor surrounded by blood. I kept telling myself she was going to be okay. She had to be okay. Nicole wasn't just my best friend. She was my sister in every way that mattered. We had survived middle school drama, high school heartbreaks, family problems, and everything life had thrown at us. The idea of losing her was something I couldn't even process. By the time I pulled into the hospital parking garage, my face was covered in tears. I parked crooked as hell and didn't even care. I jumped out of my car and practically ran through the emergency room entrance. "Nicole Johnson!" I shouted at the receptionist. "She just came in by ambulance. She was shot." The woman behind the desk looked up at me calmly. "Ma'am, I need you to take a breath." Take a breath? My best friend had just been shot and she wanted me to take a breath? "I am her emergency contact," I said. "Please tell me she's alive." The receptionist typed something into her computer. "She's currently in surgery." The words hit me like a punch to the chest. Surgery. That meant things were serious. I slowly sank into one of the waiting room chairs and buried my face in my hands. The reality of everything was finally catching up to me. Tony was dead. Nicole had been shot. And if she hadn't opened that door, maybe none of this would've happened. The guilt started creeping into my mind. What if I had stopped her? What if I had answered the door myself? What if I had listened to my instincts and canceled our plans? Maybe things would be different. Maybe Nicole wouldn't be fighting for her life. "Lexi?" I looked up. Standing in front of me was Terrance. For a second I thought I was imagining him. "What are you doing here?" I asked. His expression immediately changed when he saw my face. "What happened?" I opened my mouth to answer but instead started crying all over again. Terrance sat beside me. Not too close. Just close enough. "Take your time," he said. That simple statement somehow made me cry even harder. I spent the next few minutes explaining everything. The breakup. The plans to go out. The knock at the door. The gunshots. Tony killing himself. The ambulance. Everything. When I finished talking, Terrance sat quietly. "Damn," he finally said. That single word somehow captured the horror of the entire situation. We sat there in silence. For once, the famous Terrance didn't have anything clever to say. He simply sat beside me. And honestly, that was exactly what I needed. Hours passed. The waiting room slowly emptied out. The vending machine became my dinner. My makeup was ruined. My nerves were shot. Yet Terrance never left. Not once. Around three in the morning a doctor finally walked through the doors. I jumped to my feet. "Nicole Johnson?" he asked. "That's my friend." The doctor's expression softened. "The surgery was successful." I nearly collapsed from relief. "Oh thank God." "She lost a significant amount of blood, but we were able to stabilize her." "Can I see her?" "Briefly." The doctor led me down a hallway. Machines beeped all around us. Nurses moved quickly from room to room. The smell of disinfectant filled the air. When we entered Nicole's room, my heart broke. She looked so small. So fragile. Bandages covered her shoulder and chest. Various tubes and wires connected her to machines. But she was alive. That's all that mattered. I carefully walked to her bedside. "Hey, girl," I whispered. Nicole slowly opened her eyes. She looked confused at first. Then recognition appeared. "Lexi?" I smiled through my tears. "Yeah." "You look terrible." I laughed. Leave it to Nicole to insult me after surviving surgery. "You got shot." "And you still ugly." I laughed harder. Then she smiled. For the first time all night, I felt hope. The doctor eventually asked me to leave so Nicole could rest. When I returned to the waiting room, Terrance was still there. "She's alive," I said. A genuine smile crossed his face. "Good." I sat down beside him. "You stayed." He shrugged. "Didn't feel right leaving." For some reason those words stuck with me. Most people would've left hours ago. Most people would've sent a text. Most people would've offered thoughts and prayers before disappearing. But Terrance stayed. As the sun began rising outside the hospital windows, exhaustion finally hit me. I hadn't slept. I hadn't eaten anything besides chips. My nerves were completely fried. "You should go home," Terrance said. "So should you." "I will." "You first." He laughed. "You stubborn." "I've been told that." Eventually he stood. "I'll call you later." I nodded. "Thank you." His eyes met mine. "No problem, Lexi." Then he walked away. I watched him disappear through the hospital doors. For some reason, that unsettling feeling from earlier hadn't completely gone away. If anything, it had changed. It wasn't fear anymore. It was something else. Something I couldn't explain. Almost like my instincts were trying to tell me there was more to this story. A lot more. Three days later, Nicole was recovering surprisingly well. The doctors were optimistic. The police had officially closed Tony's case as a murder-suicide. Everyone seemed ready to move on. Everyone except me. Something about the entire situation bothered me. Every time I replayed that night in my head, certain details didn't add up. Tony had always been possessive. Controlling. Obsessive. But he wasn't stupid.