Love After Divorce

"Please please please please be positive," I say in hushed tones with my eyes shut hard and my fingers gripping the sink. I was shaking with nerves and the itchy feeling in my throat made me very uncomfortable. I couldn't remember the number of times I had taken this test for the past three years and every time I was stabbed with the brutal force of disappointment. The cup half filled with pee sat on the marble vanity, my test leaning on the side. I knew I was rushing the test as it hadn't been up to forty-eight hours since Alex and I made love… No, we didn't make love, it was just…sex. There wasn't any emotion or love attached to it for the last three years, and no matter how many times I tried to add a little spark, or spice things up, we always ended up having mechanical s*x. He was doing it for his own personal satisfaction and pleasure, while I did it to have a baby. I look at my reflection and almost cry at the image that stares back at me; dark circles under my eyes, tiny wrinkles on my forehead. I was an incredibly beautiful woman, but I didn't feel it anymore. I was now a love-starved and desperate married woman who's only hope was a baby. The alarm on my phone blares noisily and all the color drains from my face as I realize that this is the moment of truth. My nausea builds up, and I stagger at the sink, one hand supporting my weight and the other holding my stomach. The memory of my mother-in-law's words lingers in my head. "I'm beginning to wonder if my son married a woman or a man stuck in a woman's body. There are only three explanations for your situation; you froze your eggs, you did one too many abortions, or you flat out don't have a womb." She had grabbed me forcefully and twisted my arm, not caring about the pain I was going through while she hissed like the vicious snake hissed, "I had a beautiful damsel who was sure to give my son children, but he preferred the one who sold her womb for God knows what!" "God!" I choked barely containing my sobs. I hadn't checked the test, and I was already having a meltdown. "Please…I just want my own baby…" The sound of a door closing signals that my husband is coming, and I hurry to pack up what I can because I couldn't let him see any of this yet. The lack of interest he doesn't bother to hide will utterly kill me. "Sofia." I freeze, my back facing him with my cup of pee shaking in my hands, and I have to exhale a few times to regain my composure before turning to him, making sure to hide the cup behind me. My husband's face comes into view and the way his green eyes stare at me makes me uncomfortable. "Yes, Alex?" "What were you doing?" He asks, and his eyes wander to my hands. "Answer me, Sofia." "I was– I was applying my makeup. I'm getting ready to go see Cherry." He remains silent for a moment, then sighs and shakes his head, and I know that I have once again failed miserably at lying. "It's useless, Sofia. It's time you stop trying." "What are you talking about–" "You're taking a pregnancy test," he stated, and the weight of embarrassment and anger weighed down on me. "What do you mean it's time I stop trying?" Alex walks in and takes out his perfume, then leaves for the door saying, "Just do as I say. Get rid of that thing and I don't ever want to see pregnancy test s**t lying around this house anymore. We both know that's a fantasy that'll never come through." "Did you just insinuate that I can't get pregnant?!" I scream and stomp after him. "I'm talking to you Alex. Is that what you mean? That I can't get pregnant?!" He glances at me and responds curtly, "Yes." "Why would you say such a thing?!" I stare at him. A part of me had silently expected this to happen, subtly aware of the pain, but it stung more than it should have. "Sofia, it's been over three years since we started trying for a baby but here we are without one. Stop trying to blot out reality," he grips my chin, forcefully lifting my face to his, and my heart drops when I don't recognize his eyes; no love, just hatred. "Maybe there is something wrong with you, and my mother was right after all." "Wh…what?" "You're barren. You can't grow a f*****g baby, not now, not ev–" "NO!" I scream, and pull away from his grasp having heard enough, "I can have a baby, I know I can, and I don't care about what you…or your snouchy mother have to say about it!" "SOFIA!" "I can take as much bullshit from you as I can, but don't ever make the mistake of disrespecting my mother again, else you'll hate what I'd do to you." The anger and helplessness I feel become overwhelming, and I ball my hair into fists. A sharp pain cuts deep in my head. "Alex…Alex, I just need you to believe that I can still have a baby–" "I believed in you for three years, Sofia, and it's been absolutely pointless–" "Wait!" I cut in and dart for the toilet, "I'll prove it to you. I've been having nausea recently and I took a pregnancy test. It's going to be positive." I search for the stick and pick it up excitedly. Alex enters the bathroom and I smile at him saying, "I told you. I told you I was pregnant!" I come up to him, my smug look on as I wave the stick in his face, "I'm pregnant!" However, he grabs my wrist and snatches the stick, giving me an angry glare, "you aren't f*****g pregnant! Open your eyes, Sofia, you've lost your ability to discern what's real and not! Look!" Then he shoves the stick in my face and I read the words written, "negative…" But…I thought I saw positive… Alex pushes me down and shields my face from the shower of broken glass that comes next. It always ended like this every time we had a heated argument; broken bottles, mirrors, furniture. When I open my eyes, he's gone, and I'm left in an over-sized bathroom with shards of glass everywhere, and half of my mental health gone. There used to be a time when he couldn't as much raise his voice at me. Instead, it was always for me when his mother and sister troubled me. He loved me so much, but now I don't know if he still does. I curl up into a ball and let it all out.