Love After Divorce

4: Total Darkness

The sounds of running engines and the strong wind against my ears are the only ones that occupy my brain, besides the countless questions I ask myself. I drive at 70 km/hr on a highway with a speed limit of 40km/hr, but it doesn't bother me. I am fast, furious, devastated, and lost.

After I had seen those divorce papers in my hands, I believed that anything was possible. I believed that Alex really didn't love me anymore after he stared me dead in the eyes and demanded I sign the papers, promising that I'll have enough money to last me till old age, and wouldn't lack a thing. But I didn't want his money, I didn't want anything from him, only that he loved me patiently.

I shudder at the memory of his furious face when I tore the papers before him, but he had no right to be angry. I was the one who was meant to be spazzing, and breathing fire.

He really expected me to sign those papers like a good little girl, after he heartlessly cheated on me!

More tears blur my vision but I don't bother to blink them away. Alex took my love and stuck it down my throat, then added a few bowls of poison in the form of a mistress and her kid. The kid she had…for him.

"Oh God…"

It suddenly becomes too hard for me to breathe when realization dawns on me. I stare unfocused at the road, my hands gripping the steering wheel so tight they turn white.

I am the one with the problem. I can't conceive.

"NOOO!" My hysterical screams are even louder than the rushing air. I scream, hitting the steering wheel repeatedly, my car sways on the empty road but I don't care if I end up crashing, but if I did, at least that way I'd be relieved of my misery. The thought of not being able to grow my own child was devastating.

When I was little and my mom brushed my hair, I'd tell her that I'd have a lot of kids, so she could have all the grandkids she wanted. I was an only child, and my parents were late, and now that my husband cheated on me and plans to divorce, I have nothing else to live for. No hope.

When I look up at the road my car drives straight for a pole, the sudden force throwing me out and onto the asphalt floor, black dots dancing in my eyes for a long time.

Smoke rises in the air.

I wipe the warm liquid trickling down my face and think of why almost dying didn't scare me.

"Cher– Cherry, I need your help please," I gasp into my phone after searching for it.

"I got into an accident and I–"

"An accident?! O my God Sofie, are you alright?" She screams from the other line. "O God, is it bad? Are you at the hospital? I'll call 911. Are people there–"

"Cherry!" I snap from the stinging pain at the back of my neck. I must have torn a few ligaments or cracked my skull after falling out of the car. The red Mercedes was in a really bad shape, but I was happy about this. It's one of Alex's favorite cars.

"Please come pick me up at 164 Monte Carlo highway."

***

It doesn't take long for Cherry to arrive with Casper, her husband, and after a long and slightly painful hug, I face the series of questions going through their heads.

"How in the entire f**k did you end up here in the middle of the night? And an accident too? Are you trying to get yourself killed, Sofie?" Casper scolds me while he dresses my wounds. There were a few cuts and bruises, then the injury on the side of my head that Cherry had fixed.

I tell them everything that happened from Alex's mistress till now, and Cherry is seething at both Alex and I. Alex for him being a d**k and me for not telling her what I'd been passing through in his hands.

Cherry insisted that I'd sleep at her place and I was very grateful as I didn't have anywhere else to go, so when I settled into the room she offers, I hug her tightly and begin to thank her.

"Honestly I didn't know what I wanted to do when I left, and I didn't have anywhere else to go. Thank you so much."

"I could've done more for you, like flay that motherfucker. How could you not tell me about this? I'm your best friend! Casper and I are your best friends and you kept this from us for…three years?!"

"He hasn't hit you, has he?" Casper leans on the wall, a brooding look on his face. He is my second best friend and is very protective, but if I say yes, he'd make sure to murder him.

After a few hours of talking, Casper stands and gestures towards Cherry, "you're way past your bedtime, sweetheart."

"I don't have a bedtime…sweetheart. I'm staying with Sofie tonight," she grumbles and scoots closer to hug me.

"No you're not. Sofie's going to be fine, and staying up this late is not good for your baby so get go–"

"BABY!" I scream with wide eyes and peer at my best friend's tummy. Cherry is pregnant?

Casper is red in the face as Cherry glares at him, "way to ruin the surprise."

"You're pregnant?!" I gasp, beaming at her. My best friend is pregnant!

She giggles at my expression and hugs me tightly. "I was going to wait until the end of this week to tell you about it. I'm two weeks in now."

"Congratulations Cherry!" I laugh, "congratulations, both of you. I'm going to be an aunty."

We chat for a few more minutes before Casper manages to convince Cherry to sleep, and I do the same, trying to block out all my thoughts.

In the morning, Casper and Cherry leave for the mall after I succeed in convincing them I am fine. I need some time alone to reflect and take a clear path where I should go.

I shower and after eating a little food, my phone pings and a message from Alex pops up. My chest becomes too uncomfortable and tears threaten to flow. It said to sign the papers as soon as possible.

I dial his number and after the first two rings he picks up. "Alex, please, we can work this out, just don't divorce me I'm begging you. You're the only family I have left and I can't afford to lose you…I love you, Alex and you know I do. Please Alex, don't do this to me."

"Listen carefully to me. You will come back to this house and sign the divorce papers I got from the court. You'll get enough to take care of yourself. I have a child now, and it's with my new wife, Catherine, so stop all your pitiful talk and act like an adult, and not a lovesick girl. Of you love me like you claim you do, then you'll be in my house today to sign those papers–"

"But Alex I can't," I scream into my phone, sobbing uncontrollably.

"You can and you will, Sofia."

"Y– you can't just force me to divorce you. I don't want a divorce–"

"Well I do Sofia!" Alex yells from the line, "you can't force me to remain in a fruitless marriage with you–"

"But we're in love with each other Alex. We've been married for five years, and you want to throw all of that away because of a– a mistress and her son?! How are you even sure he's your kid, Alex?!" I drag my feet close to the wall, finding it hard to breathe properly.

"Sam is my son, and that's that. I'm done with this conversation with you Sofia. Be in my house to sign the papers. Your belongings will be packed up for you to take when you've delivered your signature."

I ball my hair into a tight fist, eyes wide and panic rising as I scream, "this is so unfair to me Alex. You took away five years of my life and you want me to let you go have a happy life with that Catherine and her kid?! Just like that?! I'd kill myself Al–"

"Then do it," he growls and hangs up, leaving me shaken and vulnerable. I stare at nothing in particular. My brain isn't working and is still disoriented when my legs take me to the bathroom. The razor in the cabinet glints in my hand, sharp and ready, but when I don't feel the pain on my wrist I look for a better option.

My bloody hands stain the cabinet and floors as it streams down my slashed wrists

in red lines.

I open another cabinet and nod slowly in satisfaction, "perfect…"