StarGaze

Mind Is The Real Weapon

Okay, so today I would like to reflect on what Thomas was feeling and make you understand his situation using my own experience of the past few days. You see, it doesn't matter if you are a killer bred to destroy whole organizations single-handedly or a college kid just trying to follow his passion and bring about a change in this world, you feel the same things.

Human beings are only capable of some basic feelings, like happiness, sadness, and peacefulness. All other terms that describe how you feel are derived from these core feelings. So a man like Thomas doesn't feel sadness differently from a person like me, it is the degree of pain that he feels that differentiates us.

Now it might be impossible for you to fathom how Thomas was feeling, so let me explain to you by an example you can relate to-

I am Raghav, an ordinary engineering student trying hard to get out of the general circle of society and make a name for himself. I was never too much interested in studies. Instead, my mind often wandered into the stars. I have been obsessed with space for as long as I can imagine. I also have a reasonable hold over literature and have been writing short stories and poems for as long as I can remember.

Focusing on my personality, I am a forever optimistic kind of person. No matter how tough the situation, I rarely freak out. I also have a code of honor and trust, which I think are basic qualities that everyone should possess. But there is one harmful trait that shadows over all my good qualities- I am overconfident and believe in doing everything by myself. I lie about it to people around me, but in my heart, I know it has cost me time and again.

Now take a student like me, and place him into the Indian society. Now you can see how quickly a student like me can become depressed. Believe me when I say that there is absolutely NO chance that an artist is supported in this society. Sure, if you are making money from the very first step, then there are fewer questions, but support is still forbidden.

Let me rewind the world to one year back when I was still in high school and bunking my classes. I was enjoying life because I know it is delicate and you have to make the fullest out of every moment, and sitting in the class is not exactly fun. Then the board exams struck, and I was busy in studies. At that very time, the corona pandemic struck and held the entire world by its throat. By the time my exams were finished, there was a complete lockdown and I was stuck inside my house for eight months straight.

But during that time, I was blessed by the universe (I don’t believe in god). You see, I was writing this short story based on zombies and my friends, but it was just a way to pass time. After a month, I came across an opportunity to show my work to a worldwide audience. And the funny thing was that my story met the exact criteria mentioned. It was like a hand-woven opportunity in every way. And that is how my short story was converted into a full-length novel which I called ‘Extinction’.

At the time when I completed my first novel, I was struck by yet another pleasant coincidence. I accidentally left my social media to account logged into a friend’s phone, who thought it was his account and sent requests to random people. The next day, I saw a story from an unknown girl and replied to it. The girl turned out to be the very woman I had seen three years ago but never talked to.

It wasn’t instantaneous. We talked for a few days and THEN I started to feel something weird inside me. I would stay up all night so that I could talk to her at five in the morning. She had the best sense of humor and the most exotic mind I had ever come across. Things were good until my mind flipped.

You see, the pressure of studies was mounting and my book had gone through some complications. Things also weren’t so good all around and I was feeling stressed for the first time. The thing about being chill all the time is that you never learn to deal with stress when it finally attacks, and that cost me dearly. I was falling into an endless pit, being angry and irritated at every small thing. I was lost in the true sense, seeing no sensible future. I am a reserved person, but I decided to take a chance and tell omega (let’s call her omega) everything.

It didn’t help at all. But having been vulnerable to someone made me feel extremely attracted towards omega, even if she didn’t feel the same way. But I wasn’t in the state to understand all that.

After a while, the college opened and I made some new friends. I was finally writing the second novel and things seemed to be on track. But time isn’t always fair. When everything was going perfectly, tragedy struck again.

It has been a week since I bade farewell to omega for good, because of reasons I cannot tell. And if you have ever let someone go who you truly loved and cared about, you know exactly how I feel.

I felt empty from inside, with no sign of the ever-present optimism inside of me. I had grown so used to talking to omega for the past year that everything just felt pointless when she wasn’t there to talk about it at the end of the day. So I did what a stupid person would do- keeping myself busy and traveling a lot. I was running from my feelings and avoid being alone at any cost.

But for some reason, I was alone today. And the darkness came rushing all at once. But the thing about pain is that it goes away. After a while, you disgust the self-pity and decide to take a stand. I saw how good life could be and that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I could never love omega as much as I loved my work, and you, the people who read me and give the abstract support.

Because ultimately, the purpose is what drives a person. The people along the way are just add-ons. People come and go, but as long as you stay true to your goal, life will always be gentle to you no matter what challenges come and go. I will always have respect for omega, but we were just not meant to be, and I have to accept that.

Thomas was feeling the same emotion but at a much higher degree. He was betrayed and had the blood of the woman he loved on his hands. And on top of that, he was alone. It is very difficult to fight the demons alone in the darkness, and more difficult when you don’t have a purpose to drive you.

Thomas had been feeling lost for a long time, so when he finally found a goal to achieve, he was all in to achieve it. And the drive towards that goal was massive, and hence his enemies were nothing but twigs in the way. He was forever loyal to the agency and was willing to lay down his life for it.

It is rightfully said that the strongest soldier is not the most dangerous one, the mightiest one is the soldier who has nothing to lose and has a sword in his hand.

Well, back to the story...