StarGaze

Who I Am

And as I open my eyes, I find myself sitting in the dark gloomy room. Ah yes! I remember this place. This was the place I met the woman for the first time. That was the woman who changed my life forever.

I had just taken command of Ajmer camp with brute force and I had successfully taken the support of the rebels (who had been fighting against the government for some time now). I was at peace, at least that's what it seemed like on the outside.

Rishabh was concerned about my stress. So after the negotiations were over and the rebel troops were being gathered, he arranged a psychiatrist for me. I resisted at first because I didn’t want anyone to see my weaknesses, but I finally decided to give it a try. After all, I hadn’t slept for days, my head felt like it could blast any moment and I began smoking like a chimney.

The doctor was a middle-aged woman, too beautiful to exist in a miserable place like this. She was kind and patient and I felt surprisingly safe around her.

“No smoking in here.” She said when I was about to light a cigarette.

“Do you know who you're talking to?” I said. How did she dare to cross me?

“You can be anyone in the outside world. But in this world, you are no one. Just a nameless man with a troubled mind.”

“So what do you want me to tell you?”

“Tell me your opinion about yourself.”

This question seems too easy at first, but if you think about it, it’s the hardest question ever.

“I Have never thought of looking at me.”

“And why is that?”

“Maybe I’m scared of what I might find inside me. I am aware that I’m a monster, but I like to ignore it as much as I can.”

“And why are you like that? Why do you want to hurt people?”

“Because the world has never been fair to me. my real parents abandoned me. And foster parents used to beat me, so I ran from home. After that, I did petty jobs, stole money, and slept on footpaths. But I always knew I was meant to do something bigger, larger than I could see or perceive. And then one day, I was woken up by a loud noise in the middle of the night. There was a fight, a few steps away from where I slept. I saw two men beat each other up till one of them was knocked out after losing three of his teeth and most of his ribs. He taught me my first important lesson. It was to never give up until it’s absolutely over. The winner was beaten to death by the local crime lord. The losing fighter was one of his men. The winner knew the price of winning, yet he fought because the fight was already declared. He taught me to hold up my honor. I became a successful street boxer with this knowledge. I was once overconfident and thought I had knocked out my opponent. But as soon as I turned my back on him, he got up and almost made me lose. This taught me to never be overconfident and to be patient. Doomsday taught me that people will do anything to survive. Hence, you cannot trust anyone but yourself. My point is that I have learned my most important lessons from violence and hate.”

“And how is that working out for you?”

“Pretty good.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Look, there's this girl who I rescued from the bonies in Jaipur. I think, no I know, that she is attracted to me. I have no place in my heart for affection and I can’t keep people in deception, I simply can’t. so I made my intentions clear many times that I don’t want anything like that. But she is stubborn. She thinks everyone in this world is as good as she is. And now she is really pissing me off. I don’t know why, but I just can’t keep myself from thinking about her. It’s not love.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s fear. I fear that if I start hating her, then there will be very bad consequences. You don’t wanna know what I do to people I hate.”

“No judgment here. Tell me what you do. Spill your beans, I’ll forget everything you said as soon as you leave this room.”

“No, I can’t! You don’t want to. No!” I shout insanely.

One of my guards comes in suddenly, surprising us. The surprise changes into anger and the anger leads to a bullet in his head. I yell and send for the others to take him out of the room. As soon as it is done, I take a look at the doctor. She is emotionless. Just sitting there, waiting for me to continue.

“I have done terrible things to people. I have killed them with explosives, slit their throats, and even killed some of them with my bare hands. They were silent till now. But now that I’m vulnerable, they haunt me all the time. I can’t go to sleep because of them! I can’t go out because of that b***h!”

“Tell me, did you kill all those people with your personal interest?”

“No, it was duty’s call,” I said hesitantly.

“Then why are you guilty for something that you didn’t do by your choice, but rather ordered to do.”

I am speechless.

“This world gets to all of us, sooner or later. But you can’t fall in its clutches. You are the hope for people here. They look up to you as their guardian angel. You have to stand tall, for you are not some street-fighting goon anymore. YOU ARE A LEADER. And to be a leader, you don’t have to be tough all the time. Leaders cry when they are alone. When was the last time you cried?”

“Never. I have never cried since I left home.”

“There’s the problem. You think that you have to be a stone all the time. Sure, you have to act tough in front of your people because they look up to you. But you don’t know that you must drop the act when you are alone and be yourself. Discover the definition of Raghav Dhaka, the person, not the fighter, general, etc. Know your fears and face them. If you do that, I promise nothing will stand in your way. The only thing holding you behind is you.”

“What about Emily?”

“Oh yes, you think love is a drag. Let me tell you something. Love and hate are more alike than you think. The only difference is that hate gives instant pleasure and results but destroys you in the long run.  Whereas love benefits you in the long run. It takes you out of the darkness and prevents you from destroying your own life. If hate is the poison for you, then love is the antidote. But if you think hate is your ally, then love is poison. As far as Emily is concerned, love is not invented, it happens. Clearly, you don’t love this girl, so tell her that you don’t love her and if she troubles you again, you'll stop talking to her. Or worse...” She says calmly.

I agree with her words. I say thanks and get up to leave, but she stops me.

“Wait, there’s one more thing. Keep a diary and write in it every day. Be completely honest with your diary. Think of it as talking to me. It will make you realize something one day.”

“Does this mean I can’t talk to you again?”

“Don’t rely on anybody but yourself.”

After that day, two major things happened. First, I started writing a diary. Second, I got to know myself through continuous self-analysis. Recording my day in the pages of the diary allowed me to see the mistakes I did every day. It gave me a new perspective on every situation. For the first time, I didn’t need anyone to correct me and tell me my mistakes. I relied solely on myself. This made sure that no one could excite me to do wrong. This had a positive effect on my mind. I was better than ever before. And after some time, during a writing session in my diary, I realized that it was love that made this possible. Love for myself, the urge to care for me. This thought changed my life. For the first time, I realized that love was merely a feeling. I always thought that it was something out of this world, something drastic. But it was always inside me, I just didn’t want to see it. It was present in the affection for the members of my otriad, for colonel Jeter, even for Emily. I remembered that it was the thought of meeting her that made me get up in the fight with Madan, the fierce demon I couldn't possibly have beaten. I could have her killed, instead, I let her irritate me. All these realizations blew my mind away.

Love and Hate are the opposites of each other, each having the potential to destroy anyone, but the best of us have both of them in equal amounts. The irony and paradox!

And just I was thinking about this, time froze. The pages stopped mid-air, and the walls were staring at me endlessly.

"You see now, Raghav?" I hear a voice from behind me.

I turn around in bafflement and I see her again. This time, she doesn't seem to be in a hurry. She isn't signaling me to hold her hand. Instead, she seems to have a glow on her face.

"What the f**k do you want from me?!" I ask, tired.

"For you to see." She says with a grave expression.

"See what?" I say, having an idea of what she is about to say.

"I want you to see who you really are. You seem to have forgotten what being a Namiha means. You are the leader of this planet, and at the same time, part of a civilization vaster than Thomas's mind can possibly fathom.

Your makers didn't place you into his body so he could manipulate you and use you whenever he sees fit. They placed you here to fulfill the purpose you were destined for. YOU and you alone are the key to end this war. You will do whatever you see fit, and by the power bestowed upon you by your blood, you will find peace in this planet system." The mysterious woman said.

"I know that, but right now Thomas has locked me inside a corner of his mind. It seems like you failed to notice that." I said.

"Thomas can't lock s**t. He may have led you to this room, but there is no lock here. You can just walk out anytime you want." The woman said.

"Huh, so you mean you kept me distracted from the exit all this time?" I ask furiously.

"Yes, I did. Because you have to understand, the journey from here on isn't as simple as you may think. The gravity on your shoulders WILL make you kneel unless you take control.

They will come after you, but you cannot let them kill you. You are the last of the Namihas, the guardian watching over all the creations. You must not fall.

I showed you all your traumas so that you remember where you came from, what you have endured. You must make sure no one else has to go through that. Because if things continue like this, Earth will be in far more deterioration than the one in your timeline.

Thomas is a pawn, so treat him like a pawn. He has spiraled out of control, and you will show him his place. I have been living in his mind for a long time now. And only I know the darkness that lurks there. You have to fight on the outside and the inside at the same time. Stay strong, guardian!" The woman said as she faded into the darkness.

"Wait! Who are you?!" I ask desperately.

"Amanda..." She says as her face disappears.

There's the door, right in front of me. And I know that if I walk through it, I will be back in the outside world. But am I ready? Maybe I should dwell some more into the pleasant memories. After all, there is nothing outside other than violence, betrayal, and more violence. Why not spend some quality time with Emily while I'm here.

"Well, f**k it!" I say and storm at the door.

The world catches up with you, better stay ahead of the curve.