Too Close, Too Fast

Goodbye

William

I am having a serious case of bad luck today, really. Ok, I guess the fact that I overslept yesterday and almost missed the start of the fashion show, wasn’t that great either. But today is much worse. I wanted to enjoy a beautiful morning with Kirstie, stay in bed late, maybe even make love again… But Kirstie didn’t seem to be in the right mood, rather the exact opposite. She woke up earlier than me, so when I opened my eyes, she was already dressed. Ok, I didn’t expect that. First sign of a bad day…

“Good morning, honey! You’re already up and running… does that mean you just can’t wait to go home, then?” I said, but I meant it more like a joke. It was clear to me, that we probably won’t leave New York right away, mostly because we didn’t even buy the tickets yet. And every time I tried bringing up this topic, Kirstie was weirdly fidgety and distracted.

 And this morning? Man, she bit my head off for that little joke. She seemed really pissed for a moment and started yelling about me pressuring her too much. Wow, I have never seen her like that… But I don’t like fighting, so I just said: “Okay, we don’t have to talk about it”

 ‘Or about anything, really, if that’s your mood today…’ I thought, but I wasn’t stupid enough to say that out loud.  And right after that another disaster – a call from work and not really good news. There is a problem with our new advertisement, so I need to speak with our PR guy and the company that we paid to do the commercials. If I were back at London, it would be a minor thing, probably resolved in an hour. But the stupid time difference is really just complicating everything. I need to make more phone calls and to write a few emails.

But, what do you think happens next? My notebook brakes down! I don’t really know what’s wrong with it, yesterday it worked perfectly fine, now if kind of froze. Even restart didn’t help much. Actually, it’s worse now – there is some weird writing on the screen and I can’t get to my documents, or my email. And it sucks, because I need to resolve this work matter rather quickly…

“Hey, Kirstie?” I tried with my sweetest voice. “Can I borrow your notebook? I need to write an email for work and mine’s dead.” She looked at me from across the room, puzzled. It was like she wasn’t even in the same place and didn’t hear me talk at all. So, I decided to show and not tell  - I pointed at my notebook, then at hers at the desk and I put my hands together, kind of like I was begging.

 “Yeah, yeah, sure…” She responded without any real interest. So, I wrote the email the fastest I could (which I wouldn’t be able to do on the phone, I hate typing on it…) and I was ready to leave my email and close the notebook, when I noticed Kirstie had left a few browsers taps opened. Normally I wouldn’t even dare to look at it, but this time it just somehow caught my eye and I couldn’t help it…

“You were looking for apartments here in NYC? The commute will be pain, right?” I chuckled, not really thinking about it seriously. I didn’t realize Kirstie actually opened these tabs… and probably very recently. And that it wasn’t a mistake, but a purpose.

Then I looked up from the notebook and caught Kirstie’s look. ‘What a minute, why does she has ‘guilt’ written all over her face? Her expression… oh man, that’s not good, and that’s bad… Right there, another disaster coming at me…’

***

Kirstie

I am the worst person in the whole world. I couldn’t sleep all night, I kept rolling around in bed, trying to figure out what to say to poor William, how to explain everything that I’ve been feeling lately and if I should just say the whole truth, or rather spare his feelings and lie a little – I didn’t want to hurt him, but I ended up screwing it ultimately.

I did something stupid – he was asleep, I was bored and stressed, so I took my notebook and started searching for apartments in New York City. I figured that I can’t afford to stay in this luxury hotel for much longer, if I am serious about moving here permanently. I am not sure I will be able to pay the rent by myself, but at least I should know what I am getting into and what the options here are. But I am an i***t because I didn’t close my searching. I didn’t think straight.

And in the morning, I was like a zombie. I barely could make two steps from the bed to the table. And then William woke up and started bugging me (I know, it wasn’t his fault), so I had to take another five steps or so to the other part of our suite – that one that looks like a fancy living room. I crushed down on the couch there and started wondering, if a person can just decide on becoming invisible. William has asked me something and I didn’t understand him at all. Something about work and a notebook?

I nodded without thinking. I didn’t realize what have I done, until he started asking, why I am looking for apartments here…. F**k! Major screw-up! He wasn’t supposed to find out about it like this!!! Why am I so stupid?

Then it started – our worst fight ever. I kinda froze there and didn’t respond to him at first, but it was like he was able to read everything from my face… All the lies and all that I left out from the story. William usually he hates yelling and fighting, but this time he lost his temper a little. Or maybe his patience with me… I can’t really blame him.

In fact, he was asking all the right answers, that he had the right to know, although I didn’t have the best answers for him. He started with the obvious one – why would I be looking for apartments in NYC. That was a tough one though. I went with a truth, once we started this, better do it quickly.

I told him to come nearer, so he sat down on the coach with me. “I got a job offer here in New York. It’s really a great opportunity, so I figured out I should start living here permanently and not to stay in hotels anymore.” He nodded, as if he had expected something like this from me.

His next question was about specifics of that ‘great opportunity’, which he said with a big irony in his voice. I explained everything about Cedric and what we had talked about. I probably said too much too quickly, without realizing that I haven’t even mentioned to Will that I had already taken that offer.

“He texted me that we will talk in detail later… I think he’ll call today and then…” Will shook his head and tried to stop me from talking. “Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You are texting with that guy? When did that happen?” Again, fair question. I told him the truth. “Ok, secret message in the bathroom, really classy, Kirstie. And let me guess – you are really thinking about it? You really want to say yes to his offer, don’t you?” I looked down, ashamed. And he guessed my answer.

“WHAT? Don’t tell me that you have already taken the job!! You know that I had been really supportive of your carrier, but this is unbelievable. How could you just take it, without asking me, or talking about it with me at all?” I apologized for that. He looked really shocked. “And when did you want to tell me about it? I naively thought that couples are supposed to talk about major life decisions and all stuff like where they are going to live… Or better yet make those decisions together!”

 I agreed. “Yes, that’s true. You are right. I am really sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I was planning on telling you, but it’s not been easy for me… But I’ve been feeling that our relationship just doesn’t work for me anymore. I think we need to break up and call off the wedding and the engagement. And that’s part of the reason I took the offer without discussing it. It’s gonna be better for both of us, if I stay here and get out of your life completely.” Bang, the bomb has been dropped officially. Uf, I said it, I finally made it.

He looked at me, as if I was talking gibberish. He kept shaking his head, and then he got up and started walking around the room. “What? Ho-w… how is that even possible? We are supposed to get married! And last night was a dream, or what? We had s*x and we were connected and happy and now this? Now you are telling me you want to break up with me?”

Again, great questions, but what to say back? When I hesitated, he continued with his rant and even made a little fun of me and of what I had said. “It’going to be better for both of us? You think? I don’t! Do you even care what I think?“

“Of course I care and I want to say, I am sorry. Truly, I acted stupidly, when I pretended everything was fine between us. I thought we could make it work, but last night it finally hit me that it can’t be done. We both want different things, so trust me, it wouldn’t be wise to get married.”

He kept shaking his head, like it was the only thing in the world right now. “Different things? What do you mean?” He asked, this time more calmly and with less irony and mockery. He genuinely didn’t know… “You ve’always wanted to settle down, probably have a family too… But I am not ready to have kids and be stay-home mum. I want to focus on my career, try to accomplish something, have a purpose, you know?”

I left out one thing and William knew it immediately. He looked me in the eye and replied sharply: “That’s just a stupid excuse and you know it, Kirstie. We’ve talked about this a million times and I have always told you that I wouldn’t rush you. What’s the real deal?”

I hesitated and then I decided to say it, even though I couldn’t look at him… “I feel like we were never really passionate and somehow I didn’t notice it right away. I need more heat in my life. I really don’t mean it as your flaw or anything; it’s just that we aren’t clicking as a couple in that area. We don’t have chemistry and I want to have it with someone.”

He looked crushed, as if I said the whole truth about our s*x. He clearly took it personally. He sat down next to me again and put his head into his hands. We were silent for a while there and then I thought that I could bring him a coffee or something like that. I asked him and while I was standing up, he stopped me and grabbed my hand. It wasn’t mean or anything, he didn’t hurt me, he wasn’t like that. He just held my hand for a second and then begged me to sit down again. “Hey, Kirstie, please look at me and answer me ONE last thing here, ok?” I nodded silently and waited. I felt like a small ashamed child.

“Is there someone else?” It was a calm question, but it still was like a bombshell. I hesitated and for a second there I wondered, if I should lie and say no. What’s the better option for Will here? But I guess it doesn’t really matter and he wants to know… Ok, let’s tell him. ”Maybe… yes.”

He let go of me, scratched his head and nodded. “All right then. Thank you for telling me.” He stood up and without another word; he just went back to the bedroom and started packing his things. I wanted to stop him, but I didn’t know how. What to say now? Everything was already said.

William was really quick and weirdly calm during all that packing. When he was ready to leave, he hesitated for a moment and I suddenly knew, what I should do. I went to him and apologized one last time. Then I hugged him and when he pulled away, there was one last thing for both of us to say: “Goodbye.”

***

William

“Welcome at Heathrow Airport. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate,” I heard the flight attendant’s announcement and sighed. I’ve never felt so much sorrow after hearing that I am, in fact, home again. I usually enjoy travelling and then returning home. But this time, the flight was a little too short for my taste. It seemed like only twenty minute, tops. I seriously thought I would finally have the time to understand what had really happened between me and Kirstie, try to get my head around it and maybe not get over it completely, but at least make a peace within myself. Nope. Nothing like that.

I feel even worse, because now I am realizing that I have to get up from my seat eventually… And go somewhere. Probably to my apartment, where I wanted to live with her! Where I hoped we would find a nice home. Where there are still a few things of hers, actually. Oh my God, I don’t know, if I should even go there. But are there any more options for me, anyway? Maybe I could call my parents or Peter and ask to stay with them, till I get better. But that would mean telling them what happened... That I am single, dumped, tossed away, lonely and sad.

Definitely not. I can’t imagine talking about it now. And I have to cancel the wedding and everything... Oh, not now! I don’t want to think about it. I can’t. In fact, I don’t want to think about anything right now.

I am pretty tired, even thought I haven’t done much all day (physically speaking), I still feel like I have run a marathon. Or at least my brain has. So, guess I am coming home after all. I am going straight to bed. I will try to sleep for a while and you know what? Maybe tomorrow I will feel a little better. Even thought I highly doubt it right now.