Too Close, Too Fast

A Trip to The Past

Vanessa

October 26 

Ok, I shouldn’t drink alcohol from now on. It’s not really good thing for me, as I am telling stupid things, without my usual carefulness. I totally blew it the other night with Nick, but I kinda panicked, because I knew he was gonna tell me he didn’t love me, or something like that. I could see it in his eyes. Stupid jerk! He really only wanted to be with me to get closer to Kirstie and then he would just dump me?! I couldn’t let that happened, so I said the first thing that came to my mind. 

I told him I was pregnant, even though it was a foolish thing to do – first of all, I said it too early – we haven’t been together for long, so it would be a miracle, if it happened right away and I already knew about it. Plus, I drank during the same night, that’s obvious clue number two that I told him bulls**t. And of course, I scared the hell out of him, because he obviously still doesn’t understand that having a baby with me, would be a good thing for him and not a bad one. He’s rejecting the whole idea of having a family and I should have realized that. 

“Pregnant… with me?” he asked, obviously shocked about it. I nodded and before I could say something else, he was already moving backwards to the door. “I am sorry, I am really tired after all and this… is unexpected. I need to be alone for a while and think about it. Let’s sleep on it and I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” And he disappeared immediately, without even waiting for an answer. Ok, real mature, Nick. But on the plus side at least he didn’t get to see the woodo doll of Kirste I had made. 

I know, I know - I f***ed it up! I stayed all night worrying and creating a solution for this mess and I came up with a good plan after all. I still want Nick to realize on his own, that I am in fact the best woman for him and I still want to give him a chance to do that. But I also need to prepare everything for PLAN B and make sure he won’t run away from me and that I will have the time and space to MAKE him love me…

***

Nick

All right, all right, everything is fine… well, it isn’t, but I need to be optimistic right now, or I’ll go crazy. Natalia probably isn’t pregnant; she was just overacting, like women do all the time. I called her the next day and we met at one café near the station. You know, open space, lots of light, small wooden tables, big cups of coffee like in Friends, nice place. I used to enjoy going there, but bringing Natalia, ok - that was a bad idea… She made such a scene that I regretted that we were in public. (Now, I can never show my face there, without wondering, if they remember…)

She started crying like a river and apologizing about the night before. “I- I know I freaked you out. Truth is, I am freaked out myself. You know, I didn’t expect any of this and I know – you and I don’t know each other for that long, so you are probably thinking that I am a slut, who wants to blame you for other guy’s mistakes. But that’s not truuuuuueeeeee.” She started weeping again, so I handed her a Kleenex. “No, I didn’t think that at all,” I lied, to calm her down. Of course I was thinking that it was way too early for her to know about any possible pregnancy, if I should be the father. But I have never seen her crying like this, so I wanted  to hear her side of the story and not listen to her wailing.

“I felt a little dizzy these past few days, but didn’t think it was anything serious, you know?” she started explaining finally, so I nodded and listened. “I felt even a little sick yesterday morning, but I just thought that it’s the stress and everything… And then in the evening, I drank alcohoool. I am an i***t…” I didn’t know what to do and how to make her to stop crying. She was so emotional... “It was just a glass or two…” I said to comfort her.

Weird thing though, Natalia didn’t wipe her tears away with that Kleenex, she just used it to hold on to it. She wore make-up, so now she looked like a panda or a sad clown. But it definitely wasn’t funny. “B-but then I r—remembered that…I was late… you know what I mean? And it just occurred to me that I am never late in these kinds of things. So, first thing that came to my mind – was pregnancy…”

Ok, ok, so she just thought she could be pregnant, she didn’t know for sure. It could be a false alarm and I hope it will be. “Hey, it doesn’t have to be a baby,” I answered and she looked at me. “I know, I know, I panicked… I shouldn’t have told you and I am sorry! Really, truly sorry. And now I only hope I was wrong and that I am not pregnant… Because the booze could hurt the baby, you know? That would be a terrible thing!” And another weeping!

She was a little paranoid and started to picture every possible bad scenario about the baby and what damage the alcohol could have made. I was desperate to make her stop crying and feeling sorry for this stupid situation, so I stood up, went closer to her and hugged her. I said that everything will turn out to be just fine and that I will help her to deal with it. Of course, I would rather run away as fast as I could, but I am a man and I need to act like one, even though the idea of having a baby with Natalia seems like the worst nightmare, even a healthy one.

Then she finally started to take it easier and we agreed that she would first buy a pregnancy test and try it and then she would find a lady doctor, who would examine her, because it’s better to be sure and the tests from the stores aren’t always reliable. And that Natalia will then call me about any news.

“Ok, see you soon, I said, after I had paid the check. I was ready to leave, when I noticed something strange. Something about Natalia’s eyes… She touched one of her eyes and it seemed – yeah, she was definitely wearing contact lenses. And for a second it almost looked like that Natalia has in fact a different eye color –not brown, but something lighter…. “I should go to the powder room,” she explained, when she realized that I had been staring at her. I know, maybe it doesn’t seem suspicions to you, as a lot of people wear contacts lenses instead of glasses these days. But it just seems weird that she would never mention it. We’ve spent a lot of nights together, and yet I have never seen her to take the contacts out…

Why can’t I shake of the feeling that she’s been hiding something? I need to find out more about her. Maybe now it’s a good time to return to my old days, when I worked at the investigations department, although I swore I would never get back to that job….

I left the café and started wandering around the neighborhood, just trying to figure out, what to do next. I found my cell phone in my pocket, took it out and started looking for one particular number… “Hey Drake, it’s Nick. You up for some drinks with the old buddy tonight?”

***

Drake was busy that night and although he didn’t tell me the reason, I kinda guessed it myself. He had already plans with his family. He loves them very much and spends a lot of time with them, but prefers not to mention it to me. He’s probably worried it would make me sad, maybe angry and jealous. And he’s right, by the way. I envy him that he can still spend evening watching TV with his wife and telling his kids good night.

 Never mind… we met today (two days after my call) in a pub, where we used to go together, when we were colleagues. We were trying to solve crimes together and after work we usually went there for a beer, a game of darts and a good talk, usually about the fact that our boss was an i***t.

Now everything is different, Drake is the boss now and I quit a long time ago. At yet, when I walked in the pub, everything came back at me. I looked at the walls, covered with photos of celebrities, who in my humble opinion never set a foot in this place, and I felt like the time has stopped there. Like my last visit was just only yesterday.

 I looked across the place, but Drake wasn’t there yet. So, I walked to the bar first, and ordered a beer. Even the bartender didn’t look a day older… “Oh hello, I haven’t seen you in a while, Nick Parker! Don’t even say it – as usual, right?” I nodded and tried to recall the guy’s name. “Hello Barry, thank you.” He didn’t correct me, so I think nailed it. We talked for a while and then Derek came and we went to find a table in the corner, so no one could overhear our conversation.

When we sat down, we said hi to each other a little nervously. “Long time no see, right?” I said the first thing that came to my mind. Drake looked at me, surprised. “Yeah, yeah. I really didn’t expect you to call… since you were so mad last time…” He scratched his curly black hair a little (or I should probably say it used to be black, no it’s becoming more and more gray…)  and was obviously waiting for my response. But I didn’t understand what he meant. So, he reminded me himself: “You said – don’t call me till you have some news for me… you know, about the case of…”

Oh, he means the case of the death of my wife and kids. I hate that he’s always so afraid to say that aloud. But truth is, I really didn’t remember that I had been mad at him, or that I had told him something like that. “I didn’t mean that, come on… I was just upset about that crappy thing, it wasn’t about you.” He smiled a little and nodded. “I am glad that you say that, because even today I really don’t have any news.”

Barry or What's-his-name brought Drake his beer and after he was gone again, I answered: “I honestly don’t care, I don’t believe anymore that you’ll catch the son of the b***h who did it. And it really doesn’t matter, because it won’t bring them back anyway.”

That moment when Jasmine left that evening, was suddenly in front of my eyes again.

February 4th, 2010

“I had enough of this life and all of you promises and lies, you are a cheating bastard and you’ll never change. I am gonna stay with my parents for a while and I am taking the kids with me.” Jasmine had all of the most important things packed with her in a bag. She had another stuff for baby Nicky and Tracy and Annie carried each a little backpack. “Go say goodbye to your daddy, girls,” Jasmine commanded and then headed out of the house.

That was the last time I ever hugged my girls and I promised them that I would come visit them soon. “And maybe mom will calm down in the mean time.” I winked at them. They didn’t seem to believe me. But I meant it. I really thought that Jasmine would cool off sooner or later. I didn’t rush to her nor did I try to stop her from getting into that stupid car….

***

And that was the biggest mistake of my life entire life. I should have try to stop her, beg her on my knees, take the twins and little Nicky back inside, lock everyone up in their rooms and hold Jasmine in my arms and kiss her. Ask for her forgiveness, or at least suggest, that I will be the one leaving the house. It would be better, if I was sitting in the car and not them, when the car crash happened.

Jasmine swerved her Kia into the southbound lane, where it struck the other vehicle. At first I believed it was just a tragedy and that Jasmine was probably too upset with me and that’s why she made a mistake. But later the police found out, that somebody had been tampering with the car and that it became almost uncontrollable during that particular night. I am sure that whoever was responsible, wanted to kill me and not them… Probably someone, who I was investigating at the time… and that’s also the reason I quit. I couldn’t go on and pretend that this didn’t happen. I suspected literally anybody of murdering my family. But I couldn’t prove it to anybody, which would eventually make me crazy. I had to get out of there, be a common cop and mind my own business. Try to forget, even though I knew it was impossible…