Five
1033 Words
I hardly ever thought about myself these days. The only one thing in my mind was Vivian. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
I sighed. "To be honest Lily, I don't think I want that."
"But Selena you can let yourself be pushed around in this type of way." Lily said. "If it were to be me that he and that his loser family did all this to, then well I would have gone berserk by now and be paid a million dollars a month for child support."
I chuckled at the statement.
"But come on, It's the truth." Lily said. "And you know that rich people are like the greediest and most entitled set of people on the planet right?"
I laughed again. She did have a point. Rich people had this tendency of being completely self centered and greedy. They were also very entitled.
"I don't want them even knowing about Vivian." I said. "They might come up with a reason to tale her away from me and I can't fight that battle with them."
"You have a point there." She said.
Then I heard the front door open.
"Uhmmmmm Lily, could you like just give me a minute. I will get back to you when I can." I said not exactly keen in letting one of my family members know I was worried about Vivian and I.
It would become a rollercoaster of emotions with everyone being sympathetic with me and I was genuinely not interested in that. it would even make me feel worse.
"Alright, but just take care. I'm going to call you back ok?" Lily said.
"Sure, definitely. I really appreciated the call." I told her.
"Don't mention." Lily said and then the line went dead.
"Who was that you were on the phone with just now?" Mum asked as she came home with a bag of groceries under her arm. She put them on the counter and started taking them out.
"Oh it was just Lily." I said as I helped her take the food stuff out.
"Just Lily?" Mum said with her brow raised up. "You haven't spoken or seen Lily in like the longest time and you're saying just Lily? How is she?"
"She's fine actually, doing great." I said. "She got a job working for Gucci."
Mum looked at me and put her arm on her waist dramatically. "Shut up."
"Mummmmm." I laughed.
"What? I'm not that old you know. I can still work around slangs you teenagers use." She said and I laughed.
Then mum looked at me closely.
I turned and saw her staring and I frowned.
"What?" I said. "Do I have something on my face? You are looking at me really weird."
She shook her head. "No, it's not that. Well it's just that, I don't know."
I looked at mum closely. What was she about to say?
"It's just that what?" I said. "You don't know what?"
"Sheesh Selena quit looking at me like that, it's really weird." Mum said.
"Oh so now you know how it feels?" I folded my arms and looked at her.
She rolled her eyes. "You are so annoying. Ok, the thing is, I was just worried that you would feel a way because Lily has gotten a job and well.... er... uhmmm... you haven't."
I frowned. "Feel a way? Why would I feel a way? She is my best friend and I'm happy for her. Very happy in fact. I think she genuinely deserves it."
Mum sighed. "I know that. I know that you are happy for her and you aren't jealous. You aren't like that. That's really not what I meant."
I took out some sausages from a bag and frowned. "So what exactly are you saying Mum."
Mum looked hesitant.
"Come on, you can't just say something and then completely leave it unfinished. That isn't cool." I said.
Mum sighed. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I was sort of worried that you will feel bad with yourself because you haven't found yourself on stable ground yet."
I paused when she said that. It hit me like a heavy pang.
She was right. I didn't feel jealous or envy. I was happy for my friend. but most of all, I felt terrible with myself, ashamed.
I was disgusted with the fact that Lily and I had made so much plans together and how we wanted to have our future turn out to be, while I had messed it up and I was here doing nothing.
Then I felt another pang of guilt again. This time it was guilt for how I felt about Vivian. It wasn't her fault that she had come to me. It wasn't her fault that things had been so hard when she was born.
Moreover, if it was not her, it would have been someone else I would have had.
I bit my lip.
I hated that Mum was right. I hated to admit the fact within myself that I was ashamed of the fact that I was nowhere. Most times, It was like Mum could read right through me.
I pushed my hands through my hair and took some of the groceries to the fridge.
"I don't know what you are talking about mum." I denied. "I am happy for Lily and I don't feel a particular type of way towards her. "
I heard mum sigh heavily and I knew that she was about to have a serious conversation with me.
"I never said that darling." Mum said. "I'm just worried about you feeling low with yourself."
I itched the back of my neck.
"There is nothing there to it, really." I said. "I'm fine."
And then I left the kitchen and went up the stairs to my room, and closed the door behind me. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes and slid very slowly to the floor. I just sat there to thinking about everything.
That night I sat down hard to think about everything. And I remembered what Lily had told me. Eventually, I made up my mind on what I was going to do.
- Writer
