The Love That Never Chose Me

Salma’s POV “Take my name off your mouth.” The line disconnected. I stared at my phone, waiting for the screen to light up again, but it never did. Four whole days without hearing from Mena and I still can’t stop checking. I put my phone down, pick it up, unlock it, then lock it again. Same desperate cycle. I’m meant to be studying for my semester exams, but I can’t concentrate. Every time I open my notes, my eyes wander but nothing is entering my brain. I keep reading the same line over and over again, as if it will suddenly make sense. It doesn’t matter to him if he’s in the wrong. I just know how this would end. Somehow, I’ll still end up apologizing. “Let me just check my phone one last time,” I keep telling myself. But somehow, ‘one last time’ always turns into another cloud of thoughts. No missed calls. No texts. Nothing. I open our chat again, still fully aware that the situation is still the same. I shouldn't even be surprised because silence is his favorite punishment. His last text is still there. “Okay.” Just a word and it stings so much. I close my eyes and lie on my back. The memory returns without an invitation. Four days ago, I told Mena no. Not in a rude way, just no. “Can you please do this for me?” he asked. I paused. “No.” He laughed, like I wasn’t being serious. I didn’t respond. Then it hit him. “You’re not joking.” His smile had already faded. Then his voice changed. “Stop acting childish.” “Mena…” “Take my name off your mouth.” I didn't know how tears started gathering at the corner of my eyes. He ended the call like he was done with me or something. The next morning, he didn't reach out. Neither the morning after that. I gradually open my eyes. The memory fades, but the guilt doesn’t seem to leave. “Should I call him?” I hate that a part of me wants him to reach out so I can stop feeling like this. The most embarrassing thing? I'm already getting ready to apologize. For what exactly? I don't know. Yeah, it’s that bad. I hate this cycle. I remember a month ago vividly. He tried convincing me to wear something revealing for a date, and I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with it. Gosh, the look on his face. So unpleasant. Like I was a child being stubborn for no reason. Avoidance followed that look. I was left to handle my feelings. Alone. I ended up checking his story later that day. I knew it wasn’t going to help my mood, but I still checked. I shouldn’t have. I clutched my chest after viewing just a clip. He was dining with friends. And the caption? “Every disappointment is a blessing.” I stared at it till my head started to hurt a bit. It was clearly a directed shot. I’m forced to fake a relaxed face when a knock on the door pulls me out of my unending thoughts. Tammy enters without waiting for my response. Oh typical Tammy. She stares at me while raising an eyebrow. She already knows something isn’t right. “You know for a girl in a happy relationship, you look miserable.” “Good day to you too,” I say, rolling my eyes at her. I know she's right. She’s always right, but I want to make up excuses every single time, and act like I’m not about to break down. “What did he do this time?” I hesitate. Because where do I even begin from? “It’s not anything serious,” I say. I’m not even convinced by my words. Tammy gives me a look. The kind that says she doesn’t believe me at all. “Right.” “Fine. It’s just… I said no when he wanted us to have s*x and now he hasn’t spoken to me in four days.” I can already see the look of disgust written boldly on her face. “Just no? And he ghosted you for four days?! What’s so hard for him to understand?” I try to ignore her. My eyes drift back to my phone for the hundredth time today. Still nothing. “You checked it again.” “I wasn’t checking it.” “I’m not blind Salma.” I let out a frustrated sigh. “Can you not do this today?” “Do what?” “Be right all the time.” She laughs. Like it was a compliment. Then she studies me for a moment. A moment that takes forever. “You’re going to snatch my soul if you don’t stop staring.” She smirks, sits on my bed, and finally speaks. “You know what I think?” I already don’t like where this is going. “No.” “I think you’re waiting for him to text first.” I feel more stupid now because it’s that obvious. “I’m not waiting.” “Salma.” I look away. Tammy shakes her head. “I don’t understand how you’re the one suffering every time you two fight.” Neither do I. That’s the problem. Every argument somehow finds its way back to me. My overthinking. My need to fix things. “Are you sure that’s what started all this?” I laugh softly. A laugh without humor. “Apparently.” Because it sounds so simple. So obvious. Yet somehow I’ve spent four days convincing myself that maybe I was the problem. Maybe I should’ve explained myself better. Maybe… “No.” I look up and Tammy is already shaking her head. Like she can hear every thought running through my mind. “No?” “No, we’re not doing that.” “Doing what?” “Whatever overthinking you’re about to do to make this your fault.” I avoid her eyes. Because she isn’t wrong. A small silence settles between us. My phone lights up. My heart nearly jumps out of my chest for a second. I grab it without any hesitation. Only for my excitement to disappear just as fast. A notification from my bank. Not Mena. Of course. Tammy watches the entire thing happen. The hope. The disappointment. Everything. “You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for saying no.” Her voice is softer now. I swallow. “I know.” But right now, I don’t think I believe it at all. She adjusts, and sits closer to me. “You have set your boundaries Salma. If he wants a healthy relationship with you, it’s left for him to respect it and not try to push it. Why should he punish you for saying no?” She uncrosses my arms. “Your decisions shouldn’t be compromised,” she says while locking eyes with me. “You both could’ve just talked about this properly, but he chose silence. I just miss the Salma I knew before all these relationship drama began.” The air I’ve been holding in from tension is finally let out. Not because I don’t know these things. Of course, I know what’s right. But I always want to hear it from my sister. Her presence brings a type of comfort that can’t be explained. “You really should shower, and try studying again”, she whispers, and stands up from the bed quickly. I chuckle and throw a pillow at her. What does she even mean? I know I don’t stink. “Get up Salma,” she snaps. “Thank you,” I mutter, with a warm smile on my face. As I stand to head to the bathroom, my phone chimes. A notification. Tammy is checking herself in the mirror, but we’re both forced to turn around and check my phone. She stares at me because I see the phone first. “It’s him,” I say while staring back at her.