Of Lilies Time and Remorse

Chapter 21

“ W-what? Anong ibig mong sabihin?” naguguluhan kong tanong.

He sighed as he stared at my face. Dahan-dahan naman siyang umiling bago ngumiti.

“ Wala. Hindi mo naman maiintindihan—pero hindi nga ba? Or you're just pretending like you don't understand a thing?”

I blinked. I sorted my thoughts for a while. Totoo ba? Ganon ba ako? Siguro.

Oo.

I was just preventing something deeper. I don't want to dwell and dive into something I knew I'm not ready, and I knew I shouldn't.

He went closer to me, and leaned to whisper something. His lips almost brushed my ears.

“ You had it coming Lucy. Stop pretending like you don't have any idea at all.”

As soon as he step backed, I heaved a deep breath. Nakalimutan ko palang huminga.

He stayed silent and gave me time to think. I had it coming? Ang ano? Ang pagkagusto ni Sixto? Pero hindi niya naman sinabi...kahit pa may nararamdaman ako kailangan pa rin namang sabihin niya...kung ano man ang meron.

Nowadays, we should not just depend on actions. Words must be said. Mahirap na at baka assuming ka lang talaga. Hindi naman dahil ganoon ang pinapakita ng tao eh may nararamdaman na siya para sa iyo.

Minsan ganoon lang talaga siya kumilos. Kaya naman, karamihan sa mga babae ay broken hearted dahil sa mga maling akala. Or in simpler form, sa mga paasang lalaki.

“ I am not pretending” I firmly said.

“ I really didn't see it coming. Bakit nagsabi ba siya? Ikinikilos ba niya? Pinapakita? Because as far as I know, we were okay before he chose to have his distance!” I snapped at him. Huminga muna ako ng malalim at pilit pinapakalma ang sarili.

Emotions won't cause us any good.

He was taken back at my outburst. He probably didn't expect me to snap at him, most especially sa gallery pa nila.Nahiya naman ako kaya lumingon-lingon ako sa paligid, making sure that not even a single soul heard that other from the both of us.

Mabuti na lang at maingay sa function hall at walang dumaan dito, kundi magtataka sila kung bakit ko sinigawan ang anak ng may-ari sa gallery.

“ I'm sorry DL. My emotions got through me” I said softly.

It was wrong to snap at him. But it wasn't wrong to drop my facade about everything. Hindi naman kasi okay lahat. Hindi ako okay. Hindi ko pa rin kasi maintindihan si Sixto...at ngayon si DL na din.

He went closer to me and caressed my face. I bit my lip and shook my head. I was embarrased. He gently held my chin and looked straight through my eyes.

“ I'm sorry for pushing you, Lucy. Natatakot lang kasi ako.”

His eyes were intense but at the same time, gentle. I feel like his gaze penetrated from my eyes to my soul.

“ Saan?”

He heaved a deep breath before he spoke again.

“ Natatakot ako kasi kung ganiyan ka kay Sixto, paano naman sa akin?”

I frowned in confusion. Dahan-dahan niyang binitawan ang mukha ko bago pa siya humakbang paurong.

“ Kung sa kaniya na matagal mong nakasama...paano na kaya sa akin na bago pa? na ngayon lang?” he ruffled his hair in frustration as he sat in the corner and pressed his back on the wall.

“ B-bakit? Anong kung sayo o kay Sixto?” mas naguguluhan kong tanong.

But he just shook his head and stayed silent avoiding any possible answers.

“ DL, a-ano ba? May nagawa ka ba? magsalita ka na oh naguguluhan kasi ako” I said with my voice cracking. I was hopeful he'd speak to clarify things. But he chose to stay silent.

I bit my lip to prevent myself from crying. Bakit parang pinaglalaruan ako? Bakit naman ganito?

“ P-pinaglalaruan niyo ba ako? Bagay ba ako na pagpapasahan?” I asked while still feeling the lump on my throat.

Still, he kept silent.

Pagak akong tumawa habang unti-unting tumulo ang aking mga luha. Naiiling ako habang tinitignan siya.

He looked so distressed.

Pero paano naman ako? Am I the one at fault? Napahikbi na lang din ako. I tried to keep it, but I can't. My throat just hurts si much that I knew I need to let it go.

“ Akala ko pa naman kaibigan kita” he slowly lifted his gaze at me. His eyes locked on mine. He tried to go near me, but I moved my head sideways.

“ Ano bang nangyayari DL?”

HE looked in pain as much as I am. I have so many questions. Just what the hell was happening? How did it ended like this? Bakit ang daming sekreto? And why are we playing this game?!

He went closer to me, kahit pa pinigilan ko siya. He wiped my tears away using his thumb.

“ Please, just give me more time and I'll tell you everything, Lus. Lahat. Sasabihin ko lahat”

His breathing was heavy and as I stared at his eyes, his orbs were sincere. Maniniwala na naman ba ako? Magpapauto na naman ba ako? Should I trust him?

“ I'll do everything to bring back things to normal Lucy....even if it hurts me”

We stayed silent for a while. He broke the ice again after a few minutes.

“ Can we act the same like how we were an hour ago? For the meantime?” he asked with hope visible in his eyes.

“ Before I fix things and bring it back to normal?”

Tumango na lang din ako. I was too tired, numb and dumb to even determine what was real and not. Pretend. Act. Wow, what an amazing 16 year old thing.

Everything was normal before. Hanggang sa nagka buhol-buhol na. Ano pa bang mas makakapagod o mas ikalalala pa dito? Bahala na.

Nagpahatid na ako kay DL. We stayed silent on the way home, and we avoided the topic about what happened earlier. He asked me to pretend like everything was fine like how it was at the beginning of the day. And I obliged.

We acted like we didn't have a misunderstanding earlier. Like I didn't cry and like he wasn't in pain.

Nakakainis na siguro diba? Nakakalito na din? Nalilito din kasi ako sa mga nangyayari. Things were so unexpected, the sword cut deep even though I didn't know where it came from.

Given that I agreed to DL until he fix the 'things' I didn't know about, if things were to be back to normal, where would we be in that? Where does it leave us? Strangers?

O 'yong simpleng pagkaway na lang sa isa't-isa? Because that was what's normal before. Nanghihinayang lang ako sa mga panahong okay at magkasama kami. Kahit papaano ay naging malapit naman kami sa isa't-isa. He was nice.

I guess we really can't have it all.

Agad na lang akong nagbihis at humiga sa kama. What a tiring day!

I didn't know I dozed off until I heard my mom calling me for dinner.

The next morning, maaga akong pumunta sa school to pass all my remaining requirements. As early as February, pinapa compile na lahat ng kailangang ipasa. As in lahat. Wala namang problema, dahil ginawa ko na ito ahead of time.

Ang mga performances din namin ay natapos na maliban sa cheerdance. Although malapit na i-perform. We were already polishing some stunts na lang, at saka tinitingnan din namin kung ano pang pwedeng i-improve.

Basically, cheerdance at ang last periodical test na lang ang problema namin. Or ko. Napasa ko na kasi lahat ng individual projects, at ang mga group activities na kasali ako, ay tapos na rin.

I admit I was a complete nagger talaga sa groupmates ko. Still, they should be thankful dahil kung hindi, baka mas sumakit pa ang mga ulo nila kung nakikisabay pa iyon sa mga kailangan ipasa.

“ Ybañez?” our ESP teacher called me. Pumunta naman ako sa harapan para ibigay ang bayad ko for our prom.

Ayaw ko mang sumali, hindi naman ako papayagan nila mama. Being the only child has its disadvantages too. Kahit ayaw mo, pipilitin ka.

Pagkatapos kong magbayad, agad akong dinaldal ni Kent.

“ Sama ka mamaya?”

“ Sa'n?”

“ Maghahanap kami ng susuotin para sa prom” sabi niya habang tinitingnan si ma'am kung nakatingin ba sa amin.

“ Sino ang mga kasama?” I whispered, habang nakatingin din sa harap. Our ESP teacher isn't really strict pero iba ngayon. We feel like she's in a bad mood.

“ Sila Sweet,Taira, Diane, Janna, basta mamaya sa uwian”

I covered my mouth with my notebook, dahil napatingin si ma'am sa amin.

“ Sa'n naman?”

“ Sa malls, shopping complex, department stores, sa mga boutique—basta”

Tumango na lang din ako. Gusto ko din namang sumama, wala pa kasi akong gown. Ang iba, meron na at sobrang prepared. Titingin na lang din ako, dahil baka may magustohan ako.

May kakilala pa naman si mama na may-ari ng boutique na pupunta sa bahay sa Saturday. Not to mention na may lakad din kami nila J2 sa Saturday morning. Pero bahala na sasama pa rin ako.

Lunch time came at naghintay ako sa may gate sa kanila ni J2.

“ Alam mo, ano nang nagyari sa inyo ni DL?” J2 asked. Habang patingin-tingin sa paligid para hanapin si J3.

“ Wala naman. Friends”

“ Weh? Friends lang? Sure ka?” she asked a lot of questions while raising her brow.

“ Kasi we'll never know baka matulad sa inyo ni Sixto. Friends lang pero you drifted apart” dagdag pa niya. Napatahimik naman ako doon.

Mabuti na lang at dumating na si J3 na nagrereklamo dahil gutom na siya. Nag-order na kami at pagkatapos ay pumunta sa usual spot namin. Nire-reserve kasi ni kuya J ang table namin.

Sinabihan na namin siyang 'wag dahil baka hindi kami matuloy, okay lang naman daw dahil wala namang masyadong tao.

Wala naman kasing masyadong tao tuwing lunch sa Cups and Mugs. Kami na nga yata ang loyal costumers talaga, kaya nakilala kami ng may-ari. Binibigyan na din kami ng discount.

Napahinto naman si J2 sa paglakad papunta sa table namin. Napahinto na lang din kami ni J3.

She sighed as she looked at the empty table.

“ Nakakamiss naman si Sixto. Namimiss ko na ang kakulitan niya sa 'yo at pangbabara niya. Parang kailan lang kung saan nagrereklamo siya kung bakit pangtatlohan ang table na kinukuha natin” she said while showing a weary smile.

“ It's just so different. We're friends too pero lumalayo din siya sa amin ni J2” J3 said while looking at the table too.

Naglakad na kami papunta sa table. I understand their sentiments too. Magkakaibigan na kasi sila. It was like Sixto didn't just drifted away from me but to our friends too.

Naiintindihan ko naman. Bestfriends ko ang dalawa. I guess iniisip niya rin kung anong magiging reaksiyon nila. He cared for them too. Alam ko 'yon. They've known each other for four years now, because of me. And somehow, I knew it saddened them to feel like they lost a friend too.

“ Just...just what happened between you and Sixto, Lucy?” J3 asked softly while J2 looked at me with curious eyes.

“ Hindi ko din alam” I honestly answered. If only I could answer her, I would. Pero hindi ko kasi talaga alam.

“ Nami-miss ko din si J4. Ano na nga bang pinagkakaabalahan ni Gwendi ngayon?” J2 asked me while taking a sip of her chocolate shake.

I mentioned before that they're quite close to my cousin Gwendi too. They sometimes call her J4 too. Ako ang common denominator nila.

“ Hindi ko alam, hindi kasi kami nag-usap. Though I kinda saw her last Saturday naman. I'll reach out to her din” I said habang nagsimula na kami sa pagkain.

J3 stared at me for a while. Nagtaka naman ako kung bakit so I asked her. But she dismissed my question.

“ No. It's nothing”

I can't help but to think about the times when we'd all have our lunch together. Kasama si Sixto. Minsan si Gwendi din. If she have time.

Magrereklamo pa si Sixto kung bakit tatlo lang ang upuan eh malaki naman ang mesa. Naiiling na lang siya habang kumukuha ng isang chair sa kabilang table. Same with Gwendi.

The lunch would be full of laughters, and barbs. The trio of Sixto, J2 and Gwendi is a mess. Sumasakit na lang ang ulo ni J3 habang neutral lang ako.

I missed it. I miss them.

Matapos kumain, ay nagpahinga muna kami at nagkwentuhan. I guess, ayaw pa nilang maglakad pabalik dahil bukod sa mainit, busog pa din kami. Baka sumakit lang ang tiyan namin.

“ May naiisip na ba kayong design sa gown?” J2 asked.

“ I'm thinking of a simple flowy gown. How about you J1?”

“ Ewan ko, siguro something simple and yet elegant at the same time?” I answered with a shrug.

“ Anong hinahanap mong gown, J2?” I asked her next.

“ Hmm, yung ball gown. Ewan ko ba pero gusto ko 'yong agaw pansin” she said with a giggle.

J3 and I rolled our eyes playfully at her.

“ You don't need an extravagant gown to be a head turner” I told her.

“ Grabe hindi naman yung sobrang lobo no! Yung sakto lang” she said with a pout. Naiiling na lang kami sa kaniya.

After a few more minutes of chit-chat we went back to the campus. Baka ma late pa kami.

Pagpasok ko sa science room namin, nakita kong nagre-review ang karamihan. I asked Mae kung may test ba.

“ Ewan, nag quiz daw yung naunang section, kaya better prepared than never” I stared at her. Amazing naman ng quote.

I got my lecture notebook, and scanned some formulas. Pagdating ni sir, ay agad niya kaming pinabukas ng libro para sagutan ang isang activity.

Pinaikot-ikot ko ang ballpen ko para kahit papaano ay may maisip ako. Hindi kasi ako gaanong kagaling sa electronic configuration.

I looked at my classmates at karamihan ay nagkokopyahan lang naman. Wala namang pakialam si sir.

Gamit ang ballpen ko, tinapik ko si Uno na nasa harapan ko.

“ Hoy”

He turned his head sideway through his shoulder.

“ Hoy ka din”

I gave him a blank look.

“ Pakopya sa number 3” I stated.

“ Napaka-straight forward naman miss” I rolled my eyes at him.

“ Kinakausap mo lang ako 'pag may kailangan. Hanep 'yan” he said with a mocking look.

“ Sige na, ngayon lang. Nakakainis kasi ang number three. Di ko gets. Sarap patayin”

He rolled his eyes at me before he secretly gave me his paper.

Alam ko sinabi kong hindi ako nangongopya kapag hindi math, pero kasi ang science na 'to may math...kaya exempted to.

Dahil pinakopya ako ng taong to, I know I'll be in debt. Babayaran ko naman siya eh.

“ Okay. Thanks” I said as I discreetly handed his paper back.

“ Thanks lang? Utang na iyon”

I raised my brow before I sighed in defeat.

“ Sige, what sub?”

He gave me a cheeky smile before he jerked his thumb towards our female classmate.

“ Tulongan mo ako sa kaniya” he said while staring at my girl classmate.

“ Just to remind you, I'm not cupid”

“ Tulongan mo lang akong isayaw siya sa prom” he whispered.

“ Bakit naman kailangan pa ako ang tumulong? Just ask her for a dance duh” I said while rolling my eyes. Ang petty kasi.

“ Selos ka?” he said with a smug look. I'd give credit to him for being confident. Saan kaya niya ito nakukuha?

I smiled at him and said,

“ You wish” kadiri.

He laughed and dismissed his hand.

“ Joke only”

Hindi ko na siya pinansin, at least may answer na ako. I focused on my work instead. I studied how he got the answer. Ganoon lang pala, well hindi naman talaga ako magaling when it comes to critical thinking.

We can't have it all.

Dismissal at nagmamadali na kami sa paglinis.

“ Hoy, Kent. May nakita pa akong alikabok oh”

“ Wow, microscope ang mata mo girl?” he answered Mae.

“ Pwedeng mamaya na ang bangayan? Maghahanap tayo ng gown remember? Baka gabihin tayo” I said while putting my hands on my waist.

Nagmadali na lang kami. Nang matapos kami, naglakad na kami papunta sa gate. Nandoon na pala sila Janna.

“ Gusto ko sumama, pero naghihintay ni si mama eh”

“ Aaw iyak ka na bibi” pang-aasar ni Kent kay Mae. Dahil diyan nabatokan siya nito.

Naglakad na kami sa may freedom park, when someone held my bag. Kaya napatigil ako.

“ I'll go with you. Hindi kasi ako nagpasundo” DL said.

Sabay na kasi kaming umuwi pero dahil may pupuntahan kami, I told him na mauna na lang.

I just shrugged. He walked behind me. Agad namang lumapit si Kent sa akin.

“Omg ang gwapo ni crush. Ipakilala mo naman ako” I glared at him nang kinurot niya ako.

Nang huminto kami sandali, I introduced DL to everyone.

“ DL, this is Kent”

“ Hi, pre” Pre?! I almost choked on Kent. I get it he's closeted pero HAHAHA grabe naman.

I can't describe his look. He was doing his best to act musculine. Natatawa na nga kasi ang iba naming kasama. Lalo na si Janna.

DL just nodded at him. He wouldn't want to apper snob, but it's what he is. Hindi talaga siya palaimik. Kaya the whole time he was just being silent habang nagmamasid sa amin.

Alam ko namang alam niya na kung ano si Kent dahil sino na man ang hindi makakahalata eh sumama si Kent sa amin na puros babae.

“ Something like this would look good on you” I stared at the gown he's touching.

“ I wish I could take that, pero sumama lang naman ako kasi gusto ko tumingin. My mom already contacted someone”

Tumango lang siya habang tinititigan ang gown. And I must say he have a good taste. I like the gown too.

It was the only gown that caught my attention. It was elegant and simple. Just like how I wanted it.

It was a silver fitting gown na may mga sequins at sobrang gandang details. The small details made the gown stand out for me.

I touched it one last time before I called DL for us to go out. Nasa labas na din kasi sila Janna.

“ May nahanap na ako. Pinareserve ko na” Sweet said. Tumango na lang din kami.

“ Gusto ko yung red pero baka sobra na”

“ Ano ka ba Leni hindi 'yan. Kunin mo na 'yon. Wear what you want to wear” Kent said.

“ Tingin niyo?” tumango lang kami sa kaniya. Pumasok siya ulit sa boutique para ipa-reserve I think.

“ But you can't wear what you want to wear” DL said to Kent.

Nagulat naman si Kent. He probably didn't expect DL to talk to him.

“ When everything is okay, and when everyone can mind their own businesses, I hope you'd wear what you want to wear” he continued with a smile.

Napangiti na lang din si Kent. I guess hindi niya na kailangan magpanggap na lalaki. DL perfectly understood him.

Napangiti na lang din kaming girls. I looked at DL with a smile. He's nice too. I mean, mabait naman talaga siya. I just have to forget about the game Sixto and him played.

Una ng umuwi sila Kent habang pumunta muna kami ni DL sa T-mart.

“ Cotton candy?”

“ Yes, please”

Ilang minuto pa ay may bitbit na siyang dalawang cotton candies at ibang mga pagkain. He bought two canned juice too.

We ate silently.

“ I think, it's enough Lucy”

Napatingin ako sa kaniya.

“ I've spent time with you, met some of your friends, I think it's enough. I can bring back things in a few” he said while smiling. He looked at me but I didn't smile back.

“ Konti na lang”

But why am I not happy with it? Hindi ba pwedeng manatili na lang siya, habang bumalik ang dati? But of course I didn't tell him that.

That night, we rode the tricycle going home. He didn't contact his driver. It was the first.

And I felt like it was the last too.