Maire Ledrus

She awoke , reminded of a dream. In her dream she was just a child. She remembered the feeling of her big house. She felt warm and comfortable their. She was a lovely little girl, full of pink ribbons and soft pillows. She remembers it all was based on feelings in a memory. It's hard for her to make out the meaning. She does remember that behind all of that pink and bliss, that their was a darkness creeping. This darkness would make her feel ashamed and different then anyone else. This darkness, she tried to cover but it was like covering a loud drum that kept banging.  The woman awoke as complex emotions intensified her anxiety. Maire praised herself in her unemotional demeanor. A unemotional person has a fault within themselves. They have came to a place that if they do have any emotion such as anxiety or fear, they don't understand it and they deny it. Not because they are lying but because they really don't understand how they feel.  Unfortunately , this is Maire's down fall. She can't tell you the symptoms of her disease because she can't understand them.  Therefore, as Maire awoke from this dream, that really was a vision of her past, she laid her hands softly on her night gown. She was baffled inside that she couldn't explain anything, so she rested for a moment on her knees. It angered her that she couldn't understand her past. It was almost a mystery to her. As she sat their on her bed, her curls dripped over her arms. She felt frozen in time. Unfortunately , in that moment she was determined. She was determined to understand herself. Regardless of her weakness's of unemotional, she knew she had to understand, she had to go back.......... Videos of Childhood  Maire grew up in a beautiful cold town. Her home was the only one on the street. It was big and white with a beautiful front porch. This home gave her a sense of being. She remembered feelings of her childhood more then actual events. Like snip bits of photos stuck in time, or a video with only a few scenes that she could come back to and replay over and over. She did remember her identity well. She was a beautiful girl. She knew she was one of the most beautiful. She wasn't confident she just knew it was a fact. She had reddish brown hair with little curls. She had pale skin and blue eyes. Her eyes stood out under her bangs. She always knew she was a dainty girl. She loved pink things and hated to be outdoors. She knew this made her appear snobby and she did have a air about her.  As a child she was quiet, kind and sweet. She was a hard worker. She always wanted things to be neat and tidy, even at a young age. This would later be described as a defense mechanism or a covering up of ones shame.      All she knew of her father is that he was a monster. Her mother was one as well, but one she could live with. Her father scared her thoughts in the unknowing of himself, just of what she was told about him. A video of a memory of a night of her mothers breakdown comes to light in her brain often. When Maire was three, the photo of a event is still stuck in her head. She was on the staircase in their beautiful house, and she was holding luggage as her mother screamed at her father. He through  plates at her mother that were hanging in the den. The staircase was in the middle of the room, and could be seen from most angles of the house.  In a rage , her mother ran out the door with her and her sisters. She knows their was a car accident involved, because her mother was in a panic. For a while after that scene her mother was hospitalized. Then the video stops in Maires head. The next video goes into a scene or scenes of happiness at their big house. She remembers friends, and playing with leaves. She remembers her private school, and her big backyard. She does remember scenes of court, and nightmares of her father. She knew that those fears made her different then the other children. She hated being different but her beautiful house masked the pain. Her home made her look better. Her home made her feel like she was a worthy child of her friend's friendship. She recognized she already was a old soul. She wasn't sure if it was the darkness in her that made her older or if it was just her personality, but as a young eight year old, she already felt too old.  Videos of young adult Maire remembers the downfall that began on her eight birthday. Her beautiful home that defined her, that gave her a sense of control in her chaotic life, was gone. Her mother would start in her own series of relationship problems that this eight year old, knew would only end badly. When her mother started seeing a poor and hot headed man, Maire foreseen the devastation. Maire was angry. She knew that she knew what was right and she wasn't allowed to have a opinion she felt silenced. Her home was taken after her mother married this man, but that was only the beginning. In court, her father was winning her, so her mother had ran away with this man, his children, and her sisters. Maire recalls a flash back off a video of her eight birthday. She was in a car , eating ice-cream with a name on a piece of paper. She was to memorize this name, because this would be her new name from now on.  Maire's sense of self was gone. She was no longer allowed to be that bubbly pink girl, but now the outsider she worked hard to never become. She resented her mother for this. Her home was gone and her life was someone else's now. She recalls a new video scene of herself and these five sisters sleeping in crates. She felt undeserving and diminished in her core. She was a little girl with all the answers, but not allowed to speak them. She grew in anger and withdrew into herself. She is reminded of a scene during those times, of a television news broadcast of her mothers arrest for stealing her children and running away. The same warrant for the man she married, for he stole his own children and ran away with her. As years gone by , Maire settled into this identity. Then the rain fell and it fell hard.  The man attacked her mother time and time again. Maire remembers a scene of this man bashing her mothers head so hard that she feel unconscious. Unfortunately Maire thought she was dead. Maire laid over her mothers still body, shacking and unpowered. This man threw Maire down the stairs and locked the door. She bangs and cried for hours until the door was unlocked. She walked through the quiet house and found her mother smiling on her bed. Maire was angry and confused, How could they pretend like nothing happened? Maire questioned her feelings, she was ashamed for getting upset, she withdrew into herself again.  Maire falls back into another scene around the time frame of those years her mother spent with this man. This scene was the end of those years, it was also the most devastating. Maire's grandma was visiting for the summer. This is her mother's mother. Maire never liked her. She was a cold and angry woman. Maire recalls the flashback of coming into the living room, witnessing her mother's strangulation by her grandmother. She is watching and feeling powerless as her step father throws her dog and began helping attack her mother, along with her grandmother. The scene is shocking and remains in her head like a scar. She is able to scream and yell, but the sound doesn't seem to be heard. The scene ends in the police, and the removal of their home. They are to live at a battered woman's shelter as Maire goes into high school. She feels her darkness is now fully exposed and her vulnerability in unbearable. She falls deeper into herself, yet again. Her beauty is stronger now, despite her pain. She is 13 now and she has a overwhelming shocking presents. Her quiet nature brings out her mystery and pain, which creates a in beauty while, her outward presents is striking. Her figure is small and dainty. Her hair is long and brown. Her white skin shows well with her polished attitude. Maire feels as if her personality and body is in the wrong time period. She feels as if she should be royalty in a Victorian age, instead of a contemporary girl in a homeless shelter. She just doesn't fit her scene, and she is ashamed of that and angered that she is stuck to do nothing about it.  As days follow she starts highschool at a public school. This being her first time in public school, the atmosphere is disgraceful to her. She feels just her presents their alone is beneath her,. She still wants to fit in with the popular crowd, despite her secret past and previous fake identity. She tryouts for cheerleading, but doesn't get in. It's hard to be happy, or fake happy for a girl like Maire. She quickly falls into a no category , category in highschool. Her beauty actually makes the popular students jealous, so they quickly push her away, She can't be in a lesser category either because she is so beautiful and a lot of the popular boys recognize her. Therefore she finds herself, quiet and alluring, although lonely inside and desperate to fit in.  As Maire is in highschool, her mother starts a new spiral of boyfriends and moving once a year. Her mother has signs of anger, paranoia, and obsessive compulsive disorder. In many ways her mother becomes a enemy to her. Her mothers anger outbursts led by her parania often leave Maire in a state of anger and confusion. She begins to feel trapped in a mad woman's story. Maire is also quite sheltered by this time. She is afraid to act on her own feelings, she never really was allowed to have feelings before.  Adolescence In highschool Maire had no freedom to have many friends or boyfriends. as she enters to college, she desperately seeks freedom. Her mother is often making her feel as though she is a guppy stuck on a fishing line, desperate to escape. Her mother controls her money from par time jobs. Her mother takes Maires car, because she often has repossessions. Therefore Maire must wait for rides , in her own car , from her mother. Maire desperately seeks a life of her own. She feels that she's unraveling. She can no longer take the t*****e and she throws herself into a seizure. She is exposed in that moment and feels guilty for such a childish reaction to not getting her way. She continues on, patiently, for the day of freedom. Maire at twenty finds herself dating a man, that helps her escape. This day is different then the other days. Today, she must become herself, and the sacrifice is great. She is to leave her home with just a purse and her car. She's shaking and beside herself. She can't understand how to do things or how to make any normal decisions. Thankful friends take her in despite her mothers opposition. The freedom she feels now is scary. It's like she is a newborn baby in need of care. She's fearful yet determined to think for herself and to become a real person.  Older Maire Maire flashes back to her present situation. She is still not where she wishes to be. At she leaves her memory lane video, she comes back to reality. She is sad to realize she hadn't accumulated any answers. She was just spending all of her time pondering with no results. She has worked so hard for so long trying to be something she can never be; normal. She desperately has tried to hide her scars, but her marriage often brings her back. Her husband time and time again has struggled with addiction problems. Being a reclusive, and sheltered girl, Maire barely understood the problem, or that their even was a problem. She at times felt like she was her mother, abused and down trotted. The thought of this angered Maire to the core, and she was driven again to make her life her own. She worked hard to move up on her own, to make her own way. She still though hadn't accomplished her task, of being a normal person. She longs for years of no drama, no discourse, no animosity. She longs for the house , and the routine life. She fears the only way she will accomplish this, is to accept that it will never happen.  She fears that the fight was meaningless, the pursuit was merely just desiring the unacceptable. she's angered. " why can't I just be satisfied?" why can't this be enough? The reason being is that she hasn't found her place in this world. Maybe it's because she is not from here. Her beauty has faded now, her body aches more. Her tired life is on her face. She never desired wealth, her desire was for normal lacy and the American version of what that looks like in her mind. She does take in mind the desire to appear perfect outwardly, but her motive is mostly for her own state of being.  Why does she strive so hard? Why is she so driven and loyal? Her biggest enemy is herself because she can never seem to please herself. She longs for what she will never accomplish. Her life will never be manageable, because it will never be tangible in the essence of what she desires.  She can live in the moment but she can not shut her mind off to the possibility of a chance.  Maire gets up from her slumber and looks out the window in distain. her long reddish hair is messy and tangled. Her night gown is two days old. The silence of the day delights her. She finds so much comfort in quiet. She looks out the window and finally finds peace. Her sons are outside playing. She wishes she felt they were enough for her, but she can't help but wish for a better life for them. IA life she feels she's incapable to give them. She knows that she's not in control of their future, but she wishes she could give them more. They have already been through turmoil in her eyes. They have been through some hard years, years Maire can not take back. She is thankful that the storm has calmed in their home, and the house is peaceful now. She fears the return of the storm, and she is unsure of the damage it has already caused. She sees some damage in her oldest sons eyes at times. Will their always be damage? Will their always be scars?  She feels reassured to know she can not control all of this. She pours herself a cup of coffee and rests peacefully on her porch. She can't stay long though because her mind is off to wander again. Another day another project. Another door she has to unlock. This time her goal is what her goal was as a child. She wants her home back. Her childhood home that was ripped from her. She can't help but want that home for her sons. Obstacles and a lifetime of missed opportunities and unawareness, had led her astray. Why is this the ultimate desire? Most likely because it was her first memory. Her first encounter with normalcy. This was the first time she felt peace.  Unfortunately a house is just a building. A relationship is the importance. How could she be so near sided? Her sons just need her. Why couldn't that be enough? Most likely because she isn't enough for herself. Why should anyone else settle for less. She looked around, tired of the scenes of the porch and where she was at. She was tired of not being enough.  Her arrogance had left her but her spirit remains broken. Why can't we all live in the now. Why can our joy be in gratitude. Maire felt gratitude to a point but she just wanted to go back to high school and correct her discomfort. She wanted to gain a voice she never gained. She wanted to be who she never was. She needs to let it go but she can't resist pondering. She can't resist wishing her career could have been a different choice, her marriage could have been a different choice, her mother could have been a different choice. But none of these were really choices. These were all inevitable foretelling's. Maybe she wasn't made to be what she wanted to be but made for the purpose of being who she was.  Who is that? A woman who breaks rules slightly. A woman who can't help but look outside the box. A woman who designs her life in color and texture Despite her unemotional demeanor, her personality lies within her art. She can create a world their. She can make up the rules their. But why is it that she cant paint any longer? The hope of reality has vanished. Their is always a obstacle she gets stuck at. If she were to lower her expectations she would find contentment. If she centered her life around what truly mattered she would in perfect peace. Peace and finding it is all about going back. Go back through the pain and the processes. Here you will get rid of the resentments, but also be satisfied in what your past has made you become.