The Confession 1
I knew Nathaniel was going to reject me.
I knew it before I walked toward him.
I knew it when I called his name.
I knew it when he looked at me with those familiar eyes, the same eyes I had spent years memorizing without ever admitting why.
And still, I kissed him.
For one second, everything stopped.
The noise around us disappeared. The basketball court, the voices, the footsteps, the lights above us, everything faded until there was only Nathaniel.
His lips were warm.
Mine were trembling.
I had imagined this moment so many times that I had lost count.
In some of those dreams, he kissed me back.
In others, he smiled and told me he had loved me all along.
I had been stupid enough to believe that maybe tonight would be one of those dreams.
Then Nathaniel pushed me away.
Hard.
I stumbled backward.
His expression changed immediately.
“Why did you do that?”
I couldn't answer.
My heart was beating so violently that I could barely hear anything else.
“Answer me, Elijah?”
I looked at him.
Because I love you.
The words had lived inside me for years.
They had followed me through every practice, every late-night conversation, every meal we shared, every time he fell asleep beside me, every time he smiled at someone else.
I had swallowed those words so many times that they no longer felt like words.
They felt like a wound.
But tonight, I was tired of being afraid.
“I love you.”
Nathaniel froze.
For a moment, neither of us moved.
Then he looked away.
That hurt more than the rejection itself.
“Elijah…”
“Please."
I didn't know what I was asking him to do.
Stay?
Understand?
Love me?
Pretend he hadn't heard me?
Maybe all of them.
Nathaniel finally looked back at me.
“I can't.”
Three words.
That was all.
I forced myself to smile.
“Okay.”
He frowned.
“It's not that simple.”
“It is.”
“No, Elijah...”
“You don't have to explain.”
My voice sounded calm.
I wasn't calm.
Not even close.
My hands were shaking.
My chest felt tight.
And suddenly, the room seemed too warm.
I took a step backward.
Nathaniel moved toward me.
“Elijah?"
“I said I'm fine.”
The lie came automatically.
It always did.
I had spent years becoming good at pretending I was fine.
I took another step.
The floor shifted beneath me.
Or maybe I did.
I couldn't tell.
Nathaniel's face blurred.
“What's wrong?"
I opened my mouth.
Nothing came out.
Then pain ripped through my belly.
My knees gave way.
“Elijah!"
Nathaniel caught me before I hit the floor.
His arms wrapped around me, and for one cruel second, I almost laughed.
After everything, he was still the person catching me.
I rested my head against him.
I could hear his heartbeat.
Fast.
Afraid.
I closed my eyes.
If I could stay like this forever, maybe I could forget what he had just said.
Maybe I could pretend this was the beginning instead of the end.
“Elijah, stay with me."
I wanted to tell him something.
Something important.
Something I had never been able to say.
But the darkness was already closing in.
And before everything went black, one thought crossed my mind.
Seven months ago, I had left believing I would come back to the same Nathaniel I had always known.
I had been wrong.
Those words were reality but the words might have been more cruel than that and the way everything happened might have just been a thought and there was only one way to find out.
Seven Months Earlier
If someone had told me that the person sitting beside me that morning would one day become the reason my heart broke, I would have laughed.
Nathaniel and I had been best friends for years.
We lived together.
We played basketball together.
We ate together.
We argued over stupid things.
We knew each other's habits so well that sometimes I wondered where Nathaniel ended and I began.
He was the first person I looked for when I entered a room.
The first person I wanted to tell when something happened.
The person I trusted most.
And the person I could never tell the truth to.
I was in love with him.
I had known for a long time.
I just didn't know how to survive telling him.
That morning, Nathaniel threw a towel at my face.
“Get up.”
I pulled the towel away.
“I'm awake."
“You've been awake for ten minutes.”
“I was thinking.”
“You were sleeping.”
“I can think while sleeping.”
He rolled his eyes.
“You're impossible.”
I smiled.
“Yet you still live with me.”
“Unfortunately.”
He turned away.
I watched him for a moment longer than I should have.
That was my problem.
I was always watching him.
The way he smiled.
The way he laughed.
The way he rubbed the back of his neck whenever he was nervous.
The way he became completely serious whenever basketball was involved.
He didn't know.
At least, I hoped he didn't.
Because if Nathaniel ever discovered the truth, I didn't know what would happen to us.
And I wasn't ready to lose my best friend.
Not yet.
“Are you coming?”
Nathaniel was already standing by the door.
I grabbed my bag.
“Yeah.”
I followed him.
Like I always did.
But then things changed.
Nathaniel had already started avoiding me.
At first, I told myself I was imagining it.
Then the small things became impossible to ignore.
He stopped waiting for me after class.
He found reasons to leave whenever we were alone.
He answered some of my questions with one-word replies and laughed off others.
And whenever I tried to ask what was wrong, he would smile and say he was fine.
Just like I always did.
So I stopped asking.
That morning, we went to basketball practice like we always did.
We joked.
We played.
We argued over stupid things.
At the time, I thought it was just another ordinary morning.
I didn't know it was the beginning of the end of the life I knew.
I didn't know that in a few weeks, I would be forced to leave.
I didn't know that seven months away from Nathaniel would change more than my health.
And I certainly didn't know that while I was fighting to come back to the life I had left behind...
someone else would be taking my place.
I looked at Nathaniel as he walked ahead of me toward the basketball court.
He turned around.
He smiled.
I smiled back.
Like I always did.
I just didn't know where this was leading us.
Or what would be waiting for me when I finally found my way back.
Because seven months later, Nathaniel wouldn't be the person I left behind.
And neither would I.
