Finding Home

Family Time

Elyse

Today has been uneventful so far, mom and I have spent the morning laying on the couch together reading since dad had to work. I am turning the page to the next chapter when I look up and notice mom staring off into space. She has a look on her face like she’s worried about something but I don’t know what it could be.

My parents have been happily married since before I was born. I don’t know much about the details of the beginning of their relationship except that they grew up together and eventually got married after college. Ever since then, they’ve been happy from what I can remember, so I don’t suspect she’s concerned about that.

Her job has always been a big deal and sometimes she worries about her patients or coworkers after she finishes her shifts, but I get the feeling something more is bothering her right now. I tuck my bookmark between the pages and close my book to give her my full attention if she wants to talk.

She must see the motion in her peripheral vision and she turns to me. She gives me an absentminded smile.

“Is something wrong?” I ask.

“Not really, Elle. I’m just thinking about you kids.”

“What about us?”

“Sometimes as your mom, I just worry that you guys aren’t happy or getting what you want out of life.”

“What makes you say that?” I frown.

Her eyes widen. “Oh, it’s not anything about you. Or Jerrod. You two seem to be doing okay. It’s Alissa that I’m worried about.”

I nod and give her time to build on that thought since I have no idea what she is talking about. My older siblings and I have a good relationship but I wouldn’t say we are super close. It’s hard with them being twins. By the time I came around they were already so used to doing everything together, just the two of them and our age difference made it awkward to do a lot of the same activities growing up.

“She’s been acting odd lately. You’re in the group chat- haven’t you noticed that she hasn’t been replying as much? Alissa has always been independent but it seems like she has been pulling away more recently.”

“Hmm. I don’t know. Is she dating anyone?” I offer.

“I don’t think so. If she is, she hasn’t said anything to your father and I. Could you try talking to her?”

I’m pretty sure Alissa would skin me alive if she found out I was trying to pump her for info to give to mom. Plus, she would find it weird if I suddenly tried to act like one of her girlfriends out of nowhere.

“I don’t know. She doesn’t really tell me that kind of stuff. What about having Jerrod talk to her? They’re way closer than she and I are.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She smiles and gives her hand a wave. “Thanks for talking to me about it, but don’t let me keep you from reading. I think I’m going to go in the kitchen and make a shopping list.”

I smile at her and pretend to go back to reading my book so she doesn’t feel like she needs to stay and talk to me more. I know my parents and siblings love me but sometimes I feel like they don’t really see me. It’s not that I want my mom to worry about me the way she does about Alissa or try to talk everything out, but it’s like they don’t notice when I’m feeling off or something is wrong with my life.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but a lot of the time I feel like an outsider in my own life. Don’t get me wrong, I know my friends and family care about me, but there is just something that makes me feel like I’m separated from them by some invisible barrier. It’s like things are happening around me and everyone is living their lives but I’m not a part of any of it. I’m just there and I wonder if anything would change if I suddenly wasn’t anymore.

I try to shake of the negative thoughts and check my watch. I’m going out with my friends tonight but there is still plenty of time left in the day. I head up to my room and kill time by looking through my closet, trying on different outfits. Once I decide on what to wear, I can’t think of anything else to do so I scroll on my phone for a while. I zone out doing that and before I realize it, it’s time to get ready.

I set my phone on the bathroom counter while I put on some eyeliner and when I check the screen, I have a new message in the friends group chat.

Merit: Old Goat Tavern at 7pm, right?

Cait: You should know, you’re the one who picked it out lol

Lena: Sounds good, see you then :)

Me: I’ll be there at 7

Now I have another half an hour to kill before I leave. Originally, the plan was to meet there at six thirty but this kind of thing happens all the time with my friends. We always joke that we have to tell Merit thirty minutes before the time we actually want him to show up.

When I come downstairs, dad is walking through the door. He gives me a big hug right away.

“How’s my girl?”

“I’m doing okay.” I shrug and he ruffles my hair.

“You look nice, are you kids going out tonight?”

“Yeah, it’s just dinner and drinks at some place called Old Goat.”

“I’ve been there a few times with some coworkers, it’s not bad. When are you leaving?”

“I’m just going to say goodbye to mom and then I was planning on leaving.”

“Where is she right now?”

“I’m not sure, I’ve been in my room for a few hours.”

“Abby? Where are you?” Dad calls out.

“In here,” mom answers from the kitchen.

We walk in together. Mom is making them dinner and they exchange a quick kiss.

“Elle was just telling me that she plans on getting wasted with the others tonight.” Dad winks at me behind mom as he says it.

“I did not!”

Mom just rolls her eyes with a smile, she’s used to dad saying silly stuff to see if he can get a reaction.

Dad wraps his arms around mom’s waist while she continues stirring the food on the stove. “Have fun and be safe. If you need us to give you a ride home, call. We won’t be mad unless you bring home a stray.”

I laugh and roll my eyes. I tell them I love them and then head out to meet my friends.