Misreckon

Chapter 19 - Closer to Freedom

Isolated, Anaya and I sat on our table in the dining hall alone as we had been dismissed from our lesson early. 

"Have you talked to him at all since then ?" Anaya altered the topic of our conversation to my relationship with Ivan, I shook my head and she bit her lip as though in thought. 

"Did he say anything yesterday, when I didn't come at dinner ?" I queried, though, it was obvious he will have done. 

"He just acknowledged you didn't come, thats all." She answered with a sigh, seemingly tired of being in the middle of this. 

"I don't enjoy this Anaya, I don't enjoy it at all. But I wont stand for his reactions and he just cannot continue on with his 'I'm only worried about you Cora' act because let's face it, it's not for me. It's for his own vendetta against Dean and -" Anaya interrupted me. 

"But he has a point Cora, i've asked around and the stories people have told me about him actually make me sick. We are worried and I don't know whether you just have feelings for him that make you blind to it all but he's just ... he's disgusting." Anaya rambled with fury and concern, her bitterness mirrored Ivan's. 

"The only feelings I have for him are pity, people like you get to call him 'sick' and 'vile' yet you're the ones enjoying his suffering, you love to watch and join in on his public scrutiny. How does that give you the right to look down at him ?" I scoffed, the rage within me was peaking but I always remain collected. Anaya on the other hand was a drama queen, so I expected her wavering hand movements and facial expressions. 

I once avoided arguments but now, I just didn't care. 

Wrong. 

I found an argument I truly cared about, one I couldn't avoid. 

"Are you f*****g deaf ? Have you not heard about all the s**t he's done? Have you not seen the car he drives, the designer clothing - he and his family are doing some messed up things for money and the police aren't doing anything to stop them. He's just going to use you, I don't know what for but I just know he'll chew you up and spit you out. Only then will you want to join everyone else in our united hate for him." Anaya hissed. 

This was it between us both, our friendship to end over a boy. 

But it felt right, I had always been in her shadow, her maid, always at her every call yet I didn't get much from our friendship. I'd probably miss her parents more than her. 

"Have you ever thought that maybe he doesn't have a choice? That he had to do all that, that it wasn't down to him to decide ? You may be right about what he's done, but you're not right about who he is." I shook my head, disappointment rather than rage as I thought of Dean's painful existence. 

"Oh I get it now. You want his money, his luxurious life. That's probably why you're friends with us, because were well off compared to you. I drive you to school in my fancy car and you come to my house just to get a piece of my life, well guess what Cora, you're going to end up as a knocked up teen mum that drinks to cope with the fact she has no money and that the deadbeat father of her child left them both alone. Everything is soo clear to me now." She rolled her eyes and then stared at me with her dark pools, which were now slits accompanied by her forehead crease. 

Her words were unexpected. 

This was the real Anaya that I only occasionally met, she would often make undirected comments at me or use a certain tone that didn't sit right with me. 

Now I was looking at her in all her glory and I knew it was time to part. 

"How could you be so evil Anaya ? I don't get this, I don't get you or Ivan and I don't even want to anymore." I paused, placing my bag onto my shoulder and standing up, still looking into her eyes. 

"I'm not leaving our friendship to be with him, i'm leaving it to get away from you." I stated sternly and shook my head, turning away. It hurt to say, we spent years together but those years were glittered with a toxic friendship. 

"You were always a tag along anyway, you were always f*****g there." She spat loudly, loud enough for me to hear whilst the bell rang and students began to flood into the dining hall. 

My heart felt both heavy and light, it was beating sporadically from both the anger and the freedom. 

I travelled through the sea of students, all swarming into the dining hall whilst I ventured out of it. I passed by those I knew, them smiling at me and I back. But I didn't smile when Ivan and Wren passed by, they looked confused by my coldness towards them both as I made no attempt to interact. Neither did they. 

Wren looked the most upset, like he would actually miss me. 

I disregarded that thought, tousling my hair out of my face as I sped to the exit of this place. I love school, the education it gives me, my teachers, my subjects. But right now it's a place that reminds me of how alone I feel, how even in a school of thousands, I feel as though I hadn't found my people. 

But I realised, accompanied by Dean's words in my mind, that being alone was better than being abundant in 'friends' and family that negatively impacted you, that were toxic, that hurt you. I was going to live my life fully, pleasing myself and not others. 

Some people don't have friends, they have family. 

Others don't have family, they have friends. 

The lucky ones, have both. 

Yet I felt like I had neither.