Reminiscence

I sat on the chair beside the long empty table and looked at his fading image. He's not dead, but I felt that he did. I sit still staring at that empty chair by the wall, waiting for him to come rushing back to me with arms wide open, ready to give me his warm and loving bear hugs. But, he wasn't there and I was all alone. No. Not alone, because he is here, behind me in his own little world, in his own little tent - so close yet so far. I felt like he faded into the night with all the noises that the busy streets would often produce. And deeper into the night, his presence looms over my longing heart wishing to go back in time and stay with his past self - my love. I looked at those broad shoulders that used to give me bear hugs and tight squeezes every time. I no longer get to brush my skin nor my arms around them often than I used to. They felt so distant, so cold, so out of my reach. I looked at him walk in front of me without even looking back. He used to always, always make sure that I was close to him when we walked together, but now, I don't think it matters anymore. They say love is blind and when you finally find the one, you would feel butterflies in your stomach. It is true, indeed, because I felt that way every single time. I never had the best romantic relationship when it comes to guys, aside from being their nerdy friend. I always thought I would be better off that way, that that's what I am really good at and what I'll stick to no matter what. But, oh well, s**t happens and you got to go with it. I got into a really toxic relationship and I am so glad that I got out of that before it was too late. That's what I thought. I met another really handsome with a hint of bad boy attributes kind of guy and I felt so much happier within a few months with him than four years with my previous love interest. It was magical, I couldn't even believe I was in the real world. Sometimes, I thought I was daydreaming and that soon the beautiful story would end. We often had the best jokes, the best bonding moments, the best everything. But like what they say, all good things must come to an end. The ending that wasn't really the end.  Quite confusing, isn't it? I agree. I thought the happiness would never cease to exist. I thought we would be very happy together forever. I guess that only happens in movies, and I am not in one. My life is as plain as it could get and that's all that I have. Well, maybe not entirely as I was given a fleeting moment of happiness and just as I was about to believe it is for me, it starts fading away. I don't know what I did exactly, but I think I ruined everything. The problem is I don't even know what I did wrong to go through this everyday.  Why do I always end up with people who only wanted to hurt me from the very beginning? What did I do to deserve all this? Yeah, all talk. If you must know, I suffered too many losses to not know what was and is happening. It's hard not to notice if it keeps happening to you, you know? You start to see the pattern, the next step, what's going to happen next, and the cycle goes on and on. I wonder why I still haven't felt numb with all the pain that I keep going through. And I hate it. I get tormented with the same thing over and over again, just with different people to make it even more painful than it already is.