Expiring

My hands quiver as the doctor hands me my test results. What these results show may just change my life forever. I carefully take it out of the brown envelope it's sealed in and read it. As soon as my eyes scan the words, the envelope drops from my hand. All of a sudden, there's no air in the room and everything is spinning. I try taking a few deep breaths to calm down but to no avail. Leukemia. I have been diagnosed with leukemia at 16. "I'm sorry Elliot." These are the only words the doctor can say. To be honest, what more can he say. It's not his fault I have the disease. "How long do I have left" I ask, needing to know my fate. "You have about 6 months if you don't do chemotherapy" He tells me, his voice as calm as can be. There's no way I'm going to do chemotherapy. I have 6 months left in my life and I want to live it cause what are the odds that I beat the cancer if I go into chemotherapy? With a small smile, I walked out of the doctor's office and walked back to my car and drove home. The drive home is filled with tears. I can't stop them. The thought of not being alive some 6 months from now is terrifying, and I don't know how else to react to it than to cry. I put in the keys as I reach the place I've called home for about a year now. When I turned 16, I moved out of my parents' house and started living on my own. This was because my parents and I never really had a relationship in which we saw eye to eye. As a matter of fact, I could go months without talking to my parents when I lived with them, and they wouldn't even notice. It was always just the regular check-ups with them. "Hi Elliot, how was school" occasionally and, to be honest, it never really bothered me. I have always been someone who preferred to be alone and have my own space so if things had been like that, I'd have been even more uncomfortable with them than I already was. When I get inside the house, I just head to the couch and lie down. I don't have it in me to walk all the way to my room. I lie down thinking of every aspect of my life. I have memories of me telling my teacher at pre-school how I want to be a game developer in future. I smile at the memory as I remember it very fondly and then the thought that I won't be able to achieve all the dreams I had when I was younger puts the frown back on my face. I feel like everything I ever wanted to achieve in life has just been snatched away from me in the name of this disease. It feels terrible and I force myself to sleep and by the time I wake up, it's already dark so I just order loaded fries with some of the money I have and eat as my thoughts are scrambled. I start thinking about school and the realization that I have no friends there hits me harder now than it's ever done all my life. Not having friends in school never bothered me before because I always though that I'll just make some in college but now that I know there won't be a college for me, I think about the fact that I have no memories whatsoever with anyone making me happy except in elementary school. It's worrying cause one of my fears in life is that I'll die as just another person. I want to make my mark on the world before I die and since I can't really do that, I make a mental note to make a mark in school. For the next few days, nothing feels good. Everything feels like it's coming to an end very soon and the feeling doesn't seem to be going away. I've been skipping school since I got the news so I can clear my head and be somewhat focused by the time I return. As if that's possible. My subconscious says loud enough for me to sigh. I wish this wasn't happening to me. I just wish I could live the rest of my life without the worry of passing away in 6 months. I let out another sigh, this one louder than the first and I sit back down on the couch trying to think of a way to get my thoughts straight again. I convince myself to go to school the next day and go to bed