The Freshman: A Novel

Benedict More than anything in my first seventeen years, I am excited to finally leave for college. Not that I'm in a hurry to leave high school behind, because I was very successful in high school -- placing third overall, president of the chess club, associate editor of the school paper, student council treasurer, and even voted most likely to succeed by our teachers. Yes, high school was great, and I feel that I have done my best in high school and reaped the rewards of it. Now, I am ready for the next chapter.  Excitement is just one word to describe what I am feeling. There are other words – anxiety and worry also join the mix most of the time. But I try to look at this as a new adventure. New challenges to overcome, new people to meet. During our high school graduation, they threw around that cliché, Carpe Diem! Well, I am so ready to Carpe the freaking Diem.  But as much as I can't contain the excitement and the other words that want to join the mix, I know that this is also a huge step for my family. I am the eldest child, the first one to leave home. It will be difficult for them to get used to me not being around all the time. Especially my dad. When move-in day finally arrived, my sisters, Elise and Liesl were helping me load my stuff into our family van. I didn't pack much, aside from my loyal backpack, I only have a small suitcase, a duffel bag, and a small rechargeable lamp that my mom insisted I bring. I plan to visit every chance I get anyway since the University is just a 3-hour drive away. My stuff is already settled at the back of our van when my mom came walking out of the house. My sisters very wisely retreated inside after quick hugs and goodbyes, they started sprinting back to the house to call dibs on my game console.  "You take care, okay?" Mom hugged me after I shut the trunk close. I can tell that she's trying her best to drown down the tears. It took a while before she let go. Rolling my eyes, I shook my head. If mom is in knots like this, dad would be bawling for sure.  "Hon, we need to get going if we want to beat traffic." My dad, Benjamin Chen, walked around from the front of the van to us. Seeing as Mom is already doing her best not to lose it, Dad is surprisingly calm. This is quite unsettling for me since usually, it is Dad who is more emotional than Mom.  But I am not seeing it now. Mom gave me another hug before turning to Dad and kissing him on the cheek. "You boys take care, okay?" She said to both of us before turning to Dad. "Ben, not too fast, okay?" Now that is weirder than Dad not showing emotions because Dad is a slow driver. And my slow I mean he sometimes getting honked at for obstructing traffic.  We walked to the front of the van and hopped inside. As Dad was driving out of the driveway, I opened my window and gave Mom a wave. I looked at our cozy little split-level. Sure, I will be back to visit as much as I can, but I know that things will be different now.  "Take care, Ned!" She said, waving back until she disappeared when we turned at the end of our street.  We drove in silence for a while, another thing that I'm not used to. Dad is very chatty while driving. But today he seemed serious, not even commenting on the weather as dark clouds are starting to form in the sky ahead. Glancing at him, I saw that his expression was unreadable. He was just looking straight ahead, his forehead slightly creased in concentration. I guess maybe he's not in the mood to chat today. To pass the time, I dug inside my backpack to retrieve my dormitory information packet and admission instructions. I have read it so many times that I almost have it memorized but I read it again. I was assigned to room 215 with my roommate, Sebastian Jimenez.  Folding the paper and slipping it back into the envelope with the rest of the forms from the dormitory, I looked outside and watched as trees and houses pass by. I silently hoped that Sebastian and I would get along. They say that much of who you will be in college depends on who you live with. And well, we are stuck together for at least a year.  "It's going to take a while before I get used to you living so far away," Dad started. He finally decided to speak up as we turned to enter the freeway. Is this it? Will Dad finally give in to the tears he is so desperately trying to hold back?  For a while I thought that I should have insisted on bringing Mom along, just to keep Dad balanced. "You'll get used to it, Dad." I smiled at him as I turned from watching the other cars outside. "The girls will keep you on your toes. Especially Liz." I chuckled, knowing very well that Elise Chen, our beloved middle sister, inclines to create chaos and mayhem.  I looked at him curiously. There are still no tears coming and Dad just kept his eyes on the road. For the first time, I couldn't read his emotions. He has this guarded expression that is foreign to me.  Ugh. I couldn't take the heavy air in the van. This is not Dad. His sudden change is not helping my nervousness about all the changes that are happening.  Trying to keep things light, I started asking Dad about work. Although quite honestly, I don't have much to ask since I am updated with what's going on in his job. His job that I hope to also have one day. Dad is an engineer in a fuel company near our hometown. He is the reason why I chose engineering. Dad loves his job; he enjoys his job very much. If there is one clear goal for me now, it is to earn my engineering degree and land a job where I can be as happy as Dad is in his. Maybe even in the same company. I hope I can get into the same company. Jessica or Jessie as most friends and family call her, my mom, stayed at home until Liezl, our youngest, finished grade school. It was not a problem because Mom is from old money. Even when she had no job and took care of us, her investments here and there gave us a bit of comfort. When Liezl started middle school, she also started her small business. Now she owns and manages a few franchise kiosks in different locations in our town. With that and her investments, her money earns more than Dad. But it was never an issue. She was always supportive of Dad. We lived by what Dad can provide us.  We were able to get to the campus premises early and before I knew it, we were already driving through the palm-lined main avenue of the campus. I am still unaware of what Dad is thinking of or feeling right now but all I know is I must quickly say goodbye before he loses it. The last thing I need right now is for the whole dormitory to think that I'm a big baby. We reached the dormitory and there were quite a few cars in the driveway already. I looked on as kids my age are saying tearful goodbyes to their parents. Other students look like upperclassmen, also look at the tearful freshmen and shake their heads.  Dad smiled at me and patted my shoulder when we stopped to park in the crowded lot beside the dormitory. Dad and I silently unloaded my things from the trunk and started walking in the direction of the front doors. Several other students are dragging boxes and suitcases up the steps to the lobby of the dorm.  "I know that you think I would lose it today, Benedict." He said as we stopped walking and found a corner in the lobby.  It was weird that Dad called me by my name. He usually calls me Ned. That is my nickname. Neddy while growing up. Ned when I turned sixteen when Dad and I started having serious discussions about my college plans and beyond. I know that when he calls me Benedict, he meant business. I slowly looked at him, anticipating the start of an emotional farewell. I glanced around to make sure that nobody was looking or paying attention to us. Thankfully, everyone is busy minding their own business, dragging boxes, suitcases, furniture, and crates here and there. I sighed relief, knowing that even though we are in a roomful of moving people, nobody is paying attention to us. "Too serious, Dad?" I smiled, trying to keep things light.  Dad gave a small laugh and we moved away from the main thoroughfare of passing students and parents. We headed for one of the small couches scattered in the lobby. He sat down and motioned for me to sit. My eyebrows furrowed in curiosity. Why would Dad stall talking to me until the last minute? We had the whole summer after high school graduation. We had the whole three-hour drive. Now he wants to talk here, in the middle of the dorm lobby, of all places. "Well, I've been waiting for this day since we took you home from the hospital. Anticipating." He smiled. "Then dreading when you reached your senior year. How could time fly by that fast?" He was right. How did time fly by that fast?  I looked at Dad, who was looking outside, watching the other parents say goodbye to their kids. It was only then that I noticed that his grey hairs are a lot more than I remember. He gained a little weight, too. And yes, it was then that I realized that as I was in a hurry with all the excitement of growing up, Dad and Mom are growing old. Looks like the ugly crying would come from me.  "You can always come home anytime you want to, jump on a bus, or call me. I'll pick you up." Dad started. "But Benedict, there are things that you find here, situations, obstacles, that you have to go through on your own. And I respect if you want to keep them from us. But always remember that your mom and I are always going to support you, no matter what." "Dad –" Who is this man? When did my dad suddenly turn to this wise old man? "Listen," He raised his palm to stop me. "I went to college, too. Met your mom a couple of years in. Who knows, you might meet your future wife here, too." "Dad, I'm not here –" He held his hand up again and continued. "Maybe not today, I mean, where's the fun in that? What I'm, trying to say is that you will make choices here. And I want you to make good ones. Don't think in haste. If you can, sleep on it. You can always call me for advice, no judgment, okay?" I looked down and started batting my eyelids too fast. Darn it, Dad. He was turning me into him. I tried to smile but doing so only triggered the tears even more. So, to conceal the tears that I can't hold on to, I fell into the hug that Dad was offering. "Okay, Dad. You're a little weird today. But okay." A few moments later, I loosened my embrace and let go. I know I must initiate it because Dad never let go of a hug first. But even as I straightened up, I know I wasn't ready yet.  And of course, I won't admit that. "I'm on the second floor. Can you grab the emergency light and suitcase, Dad? Dad?" I looked around as I picked up my duffel and backpack. But to my surprise, my dad, who will miss me so much as he said earlier, was already standing from the couch and reaching for the keys in his pocket. "Nah. You're a big kid. You can manage without me." I'm sorry, what? Dad is really out of character today. "Seriously? It's going to take me two trips!" "Then you better get a head start there." Dad started walking to the main entrance and looked back just to say, "Call me if you need anything, okay? But your bags, you can manage."  And he walked out.