Lead Me To You

Kabanata XI

Behaviour

Monica

Maingay na sa labas ng mansyon dahil nagsisimula na ang pagtitipon ng mga manggagawa. Naiwan lamang ako dito sa kusina habang tulala at nakaupo sa mataas na upuan ng counter. Nasa gitna ng aking mga kamay ang matangkad na basong may tubig na tila hindi ko malagok. Hindi ako handa para sa araw na ito. Akala ko ay magiging maayos na ako dahil ang tagal na panahon na ang lumipas, ngunit hindi pa pala. Masakit pa rin.

"What are you doing here?"

I heard Francis' voice behind me. Nagbalik naman agad ang aking diwa at tuluyan nang ininom ang tubig na nasa aking baso.

"There's a gathering outside. They know that you are here. They wanted to see you." He stands beside me.

"I'll come out... later," I answered.

Nagkita na kami ni Nanny Ophelia, ngunit hindi niya ako maalala. Nagkita na rin kami ni Carter ngunit may dala naman siyang masamang balita na lalong nagpalungkot sa akin.

"Is there something bothering you?" He leaned forward to my side to have a better view of my worn-out face. 

I looked him in the eyes, "no, nothing. I'm just- adjusting." I whispered the last word.

"I see. Do you want me to call Matteo?" He suggested.

"No, it's fine. He must have been working so much from his case. I don't want to disturb him." I said.

I forgot for a moment that he's a lawyer. He has a hectic schedule and he will not tend to my requests every time. It's so selfish of me.

"Do you want some wine?" I saw him walking past the counter and reaching a bottle of wine on top of the refrigerator.

"But you have guests outside. You don't need to accompany me here." He pooped the bottle open with a cork opener.

"I had this wine for a very long time. About twenty years, I guess. This was the first bottle I bought with my own money." He said.

The bottle was not brand as Carluccio's, it was another company. But you might think of it as one because they have the same packaging style, especially with the cork.

The cupboard that he got the bottle was full of wine bottles. Different brands and different names.

"When I first tasted a wine, I developed a hobby of collecting them. Not to display but to study them. I had a vision that this will be going to be my life, my career. And as I manifested, it did." He gave me a glass with wine on it.

"That's why you stole my father's brand," I declared with bitterness.

I saw him smirking. Oh?

"I had your family's company because they trust me. I am confident and knowledgeable. If I didn't offer my help, you have been dead by now." He sipped his glass.

"And I'm not? Do they not think of me as an option? I am confident and I know about the business." I fired back.

"You were the target, Monica. You will always have been. Your father did these so he could protect you. At ano naman ang magagawa mo kung napasayo ang kumpanya?"

Ano nga ba ang magagawa ko?

All this time, I have been set my goals for that. But what if I reach it? What is my plan?

"Gusto nilang patayin ka. Gusto nilang kunin sayo ang kumpanya. May plano ka ba kung sakaling nangyari nga ang gusto mo?"

Hindi ako makakuha ng tamang sagot. Walang salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko. I've become doubtful to myself. Again.

"Sir Francis, hinahanap ka po nila." Sumulpot naman sa hamba ng pintuan ang isang katulong para tawagin si Francis.

"Sure. I'm coming." Sagot naman niya bago muling inumin ang wine nasa kanyang kopita.

Tiningnan niya ako, matagal, mapanuri at tipong pinagaaralan ang aking mukha. Pinapantayan ko ang bawat titig na binibigay niya akin. Ngunit bigla siyang tumayo. Sinulong niya sa aking harap ang bote ng wine.

"Come out whenever you're ready," he utters before leaving.

Did he just mock me? And did he just question my skills? Wow. I can't believe him.

Tinikom ko ang aking mga kamay dahil sa aking gigil. Ang kopitang binigay niya sa akin ang may laman pa rin kaya nilagok ko iyon at sandaling nilasahan. It's just an ordinary wine, nothing special. Why does he like it? Oh wait, the taste is changing. It'turning sweet as the residue stays in your mouth longer.

Cazzo! Why does it taste so good?

I was so drawn by the idea of Francis making fun of me. And every time I see him smile, smirking or soft laughing in my mind; I tend to drink straight to the bottle. I do not care anymore about the wine etiquette my father taught me. All I could think of right now is how Francis feel about me now.

Did he think of me as just a blabbermouth?

Did he find me weak and not confident?

Was I not good?

Do I not deserve Carluccio's?

"Ha! He's a pain in my ass." I said mindlessly.

I heard a classic song playing outside the house. It's a national folk dance as I remembered. Followed by the laughter and giggling, they must be having a good time.

I want to dance too.

Dance my worries away.

Tumayo ako nang bitbit sa aking kamay ang bote ng wine. Hindi ko alam kung may tira pa ba ito dahil kanina ko pang nilalagok. I don't know how long I've stayed in the kitchen all by myself and drinking. But the bottle is not that heavy like before. Lumabas ako ng bahay nang binabalanse ang aking katawan. Mainit ang aking pakiramdam at namumungay ang aking mga mata. Parang gusto ko na lang matulog.

"Signorina!"

"Mahabaging Diyos, signorina!"

And right that moment, everyone stopped whatever they were doing. They even stopped the music from playing and all eyes are on me.

I turned to the man who's managing the sound system. He's just looking at me, stunned and shocked.

"Come on, this is a party. Why'd you stop the music?" I was forced to strengthen my legs as it keeps wobbling.

"Play it!" I yelled at him.

Nakita ko ang takot sa kanyang mga mata at piniling sundin na lamang ang aking kagustuhan. Muling umingay ang paligid ngunit hindi sila gumagalaw.

"Why is anybody not dancing?" I pointed my free hand at them.

Maybe they want me to lead? I'm not that foreign to not know about this dance.

Napagpasyahan kong bumaba ng hagdanan. Ngunit sa aking paghakbang ay biglang lumabo ang aking mga mata. Naramdaman kong nakalimutan kong tapakan ang baitang ng hagdanan at gumalaw ang aking katawan nang paabante. Nawala ang aking balanse at parang natauhan ako dahil pinaghandaan ko na ang aking pagpagsak sa damuhan.

But that didn't happen. I was saved. May lalaking parang kidlat na tumakbo papunta sa aking direksyon. Maagap niyang sinalo ang aking baywang at braso at natigil ang aking paghakbang.

"Signorina, are you okay?" The man asked.

Hindi ako agad na sumagot bagkus ay hinarap ko siya para matingnan kung sino ang lalaking ito.

"Oh, it's Carter! You saved me again." And I laughed.

He tried to reach for the bottle in my right hand but I moved it out of his way. "No," I firmly said. Pinilit kong umupo habang inaalalayan ako nito. I chose to ignore my aching ankle. Without any thoughts, I drink into the bottle I am holding. But I didn't expect it to be finished.

"f**k this wine. I didn't have a single sip!" I whined.

I threw the bottle away. The people in front of me gasps dramatically as they heard the crashing sound of the bottle. They were reacting as if they were watching a theatre drama.

"What do you expect? It's glass! It will break!" I shouted because the music was too loud.

I passed my gaze into Francis' direction. He's with a man from the factory and they were both holding a beer. He's just there looking at me, without any expression.

"Turn off the sound," I heard Carter say to the man who's in charge of the music.

I didn't break my stare at Francis.

"What now? What are you thinking now?! What can you say about me?" I burst. 

Hindi pa rin maalis sa isip ko ang pangiinsulto na ginawa at sinabi niya sa akin.

"Ganoon ba kababaw ang tingin mo sa akin? Do you think I can't do it? What was the reason, huh?"

I exaggerated my arms to help me express my feelings. I just feel like if I can't say how I'm feeling, no one's gonna validate it.

"What do I need to do so you can believe that I can?" I sobbed loudly. I don't care if everyone is watching.

I saw them murmuring next to each other. Totally ignoring my whining and my presence. And they just continue talking to each other like I was not even here and made a scene.

"You are drunk, signorina. I'll take you to your chamber." Carter kneeled in front of me.

"I'm not. I know what I'm doing." I whispered softly. And my tears fell.

He immediately reached for my cheeks and wiped the tears with his thumb. "Okay. I know you're tired. You have to rest now."

"He's not paying attention to me," my voice cracked to the last word I uttered.

"That's okay. You don't need his attention."

"But I want him to believe me that I can do it. I want him to know that I deserve the Carluccio's too." I keep on pointing my chest to prove my point.

"I always believe in you. I know you can." Carter said.

It helps me calm down but his words are not really the affirmation I am hoping for. I want Francis' words coming out of his mouth.

"I can do it. I just need a chance to show them." I keep on repeating these words as I cry like a baby in front of everyone.

All of them are looking at me, except Francis. He remained firm as I burst out in front of everybody. No one dared to move or utter a single word that I could hear. Only Carter have the strength to hold and look ut for me while I whine.

I might regret all of this tomorrow but I did not think of that now.

"Escort her to her room, Carter. She's tired." I heard him demand Carter and he didn't say a single word but just do what he asked him to do.

Nilapitan niya ako at inalalayang makatayo. Nanlalambot ang aking mga tuhod at hindi makatayo ng maayos kaya napagpasyahan niyang buhatin na lamang ako. Hindi ako kumontra dahil wala na akong lakas. At habang tinatahak niya ang hagdan ay sinandal ko ang aking ulo sa kanyang balikat at humikbi. Alam kong nahihirapan siya dahil mahirap umakyat ng hagdanan na mabigat ang dinadala.

"Hush now, Monica. Everything will be alright." He tucked me into my bed.

"You think so?" I asked.

I don't know if he heard me because I thought no voice came out as I say those words.

"Of course," he affirmed.

I pulled my comforter and turned the other way. I almost covered my entire face with it but I left my forehead so I can still feel the coldness of the room.

"Sleep well, signorina. I'll just be downstairs if you need me." I heard the door creaked as it opened and closed. He left the yellow light on so I will not worry about getting to sleep fast.

My father is looking at me right now. I can't seem to read his expression because he's too far away. I reached him with my hand but he keeps on fading away.

No. Don't leave.

Ilang segundo ang lumipas at napunta na naman ako sa lugar kung saan nangyari ang aking pagkaulila.

I can't move. No one's holding me down but my body is stuck.

I just watched my father kneeling while the other man beside him pointed his gun at Papa's head.

"No. Don't kill him. Don't, please." It seems that I can only utter words but not move.

"I love you, my Monica." My father said before closing his eyes.

The scene keeps getting intense and I can't do anything but watch. I can't move my feet, I can't reach my father's arms.

"Papa..."

My words are useless because that didn't stop them from killing him. What happened before was repeated in front of me. And just like before, wala akong nagawa. 

I gasped for air as soon as I woke up from that nightmare. Pawis na pawis ang aking katawan at naninikip ang dibdib. There's no one in this room that I can call immediately. I'm all alone. Pinakalma ko ang aking sarili at naupo, nakasandal ang likod sa back rest ng kama.

I'm having nightmares again.

"Signorina, pwede po ba ako pumasok?" I heard a knock behind the door, it was a female voice. Must be one of the maids.

"Come in," nanghihina kong sagot.

Nagbukas ang pinto at pumasok siya na may dalang tray ng pagkain. Pinagbuksan siya ni Carter ng pintuan dahil hindi niya pwedeng mabitawan ang kanyang bitbit. Nilapitan niya ako at pinatong ang tray sa aking bedside table.

"Pinadala po ni Sir Francis. Pantanggal daw po ng hangover mo." Sabi nito.

Coffee, Macaroni Soup, Ibuprofen for medicine and water.

I was drunk? I remembered that there was a party last night. How did it go?

"Did I do something stupid last night?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

Hindi niya alam kung sasabihin ba niya sa akin o hindi.

"Please tell me, was I?" Pagmamakaawa ko.

I am not myself whenever I am drunk. I sometimes do scandalous acts.

"Hindi naman po sobra. Sinigaw-sigawan nyo lang naman po si Sir Francis kagabi. Ang natatandaan ko po sa sinabi niyo na gusto niyo na maniwala siya sa inyo."

And right there, flashes of memories came back to my mind.

I did yell at him.

"What?" No way.

"Yun lang po ang naabutan ko," dugtong niya.

"How could I be drunk if I only had a wine? And I've been drinking wine since I was twelve. Impossible."

"What you had contains twenty percent of alcohol. You drank the whole bottle all by yourself." Francis' voice came out at the door.

The maid immediately holds back and turn down her head to avoid Francis' gaze. She's partly shaking as if terrified by his presence.

"I'm sorry, Sir." Pagpapakumbaba nito.

"It's okay. You may go now." Sagot naman ni Francis.

Hindi ko magalaw ang aking mga kamay upang abutin ang mga pagkain na nasa tray. Wala akong lakas dahil sa sakit na ulo na aking nararamdaman. At wala akong maiharap kay Francis nang dahil sa eskandalong ginawa ko kagabi.

He managed to sit beside me. Malaki naman ang kama ko at sa gitna naman ako naupo.

"How was the party last night?" I asked.

I don't know if it's the right time to be dumb and ask him that question.

"They were terrified... with how you acted last night." He said.

What he said brought all the actions I have done last night. I finally understand how terrified they were of me. Even I couldn't believe that I did all of those.

"Oh dios mio, what should I do?" 

I could not think of anything right now. 

"I have informed all of them to gather at the lobby for a meeting, after their work. All of the staff will be there. You could use that opportunity to apologize to them."

"Apologize?" 

"You were wrong, Monica. A good and sincere apology can go a long way."

That's it. I have to do something to erase my bad impression to them. 

Dumating na nga ang hapon at unti-unti ko na ngang nakikita mula sa aking bintana na nagdadatingan na ang mga trabahante mula sa factory at nagtitipon ang mga ito sa lobby ng mansyon. Kumakabog naman ng malakas ang aking dibdib dahil hindi ko mabuo ang aking mga pangungusap upang makausap ang mga ito. I have never been this ashamed all my life.

Inaayos ko ang aking buhok habang bumababa ako ng hagdanan. Makalipas ang ilang minuto at nakumpleto na sila ay lumabas na si Francis para simulan na ang kanilang pagpupulong.

"I would like to use this meeting as an opportunity for all of you to meet Ms. Monica Carluccio. She is the only daughter of the former CEO of our company, Mr. Massimo Carluccio." Said Francis as I've heard.

Sobra na ang kaba na aking nararamdaman habang papalapit ako sa pinto. Hindi muna ako nagpapakita sa mga ito dahil sa aking hiyang nararamdaman. Kahit ang mga katulong at mga driver ay naroon din.

"Alam ko na nakilala niyo na siya at nagkaroon ng kaunting hindi pagkakaunawaan. Ngunit hayaan natin na marinig ang kanyang saloobin."

Nakita ko na tumingin si Francis sa hamba ng pintuan kung saan ako ay nakatayo.

"May you come here, Monica. Please?" Francis stated.

Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago ako naglakad palapit sa mga ito. Alam kong lahat sila ay nakatingin sa akin ngunit niyuko ko lamang ang aking ulo. Nang makalapit ay hinatid ako ni Francis sa kanyang tabi.

"Go on, say what you need to say." He whispered.

Kinondisyon ko ang aking sarili at tinuon ang tingin sa mga taong nasa aking harapan. 

You can do this, Monica. You just have to apologize. Right?

"I honestly don't know how to start. With regards of what happened last night that I just simply ruined the party. But I don't want to give you the bad impressions on the second time we meet."

How should I apologize? Do I have to beg while kneeling?

"Gusto ko pong humingi ng tawad sa inyong lahat. Alam ko pong natakot kayo sa aking kinilos, at kinahihiya ko po iyon. I won't do it again. And I wouldn't want to disappoint all of you again."

Words are great affirmation, but when it is combined with actions, you can feel the sincerity of a person.

"Please tell me what I should do just so you can firgive me," pagmamakaawa ko.

Tumingin ako kay Francis upang manghingi ng suporta sa kanya. I am not good at this thing. Tumango lamang siya habang ang kanyang mga kamay ay nakapaloob sa kanyang bulsa.

"Wala na po dapat kayong dapat gawin, Signorina. Sapat na po sa amin ang marinig ang paghingi niyo ng tawad."

"Makita lang naman po namin na pinagsisisihan niyo na ang inyong ginawa ay ayos na iyon para sa amin,"

"Napakababaw lang po ng inyong nagawa, Signorina. Sino kami upang hindi kayo patawarin?"

Ilan lamang iyan sa mga narinig ko matapos kong humingi ng tawad. Lubos ang galak ng aking puso dahil sa mga taong katulad nila.

They are so blessed with forgiveness.

It's so easy for some people to give their forgiveness to others. Whether big or small sins, they will forgive and forget all about it.

But I can't be that person. It makes me feel so nice to give my forgiveness or take some of it, but it's so hard for me to give it right away.

I still mourn for my father and all the memories are still playing inside my head. It's hard to forgive the person behind all that.

I don't know if I can, or I will.