Lead Me To You

Kabanata XXIII

Monica

Liberation

My friends' shocked faces still lingered in my mind until I went home. Hindi sila makapaniwala na I am already married. No one knows in my circle of friends. It's not something proud to brag about.

"The after-party was fun," Paris said.

Matapos ang meeting at party ay umuwi na kami sa bahay. We were the ones to leave the venue, actually. I still wanted to catch up with my guy friends but Paris wanted to go home early.

"Indeed it is," I answer.

I've been thinking about the promotion I got today. It only means one thing, I can stay longer here. I've come up to the decision of staying and telling my husband but I can't seem to find the right time to tell him. He will be leaving tomorrow and expecting me to come with him back to Florence. But I can't see myself settling there.

It's now or never. I have to tell him.

He was sitting on the sofa, arms, and legs were open. His head was tilted up from the cushion while his eyes are closed. I took a step forward and coughed a little, to announce my presence. Still in worry with my playing fingers on my stomach.

"I have to tell you something," I said. I would be lying if I say that I wasn't trembling. I tried my best to be distracted by pinching my palms but it didn't do anything.

"Go on, love. What is it?" He didn't flinch a single inch. He didn't even look at me.

But why am I nervous? Is it because I am afraid of what his reaction will be? Will he be okay with my decision? Will he let me?

"I want to stay here-", now I got his attention. He finally looked at me, but with a confused look. "-and work. With the promotion I got today... I want to take that seriously."

Hindi agad siya nakaimik. Parang iniipon niya sa kanyang utak ang aking sinabi.

"Don't you want to be with your grandparents?" He asked. I never thought of them when I made this decision. And besides, they will do well even without me by their side. "They were expecting that you would come with me back home. Why would you need to work, anyways? It's not like you will not have the means to survive and keep your lifestyle."

"I wanted to be with them-I badly want to stay with them. They were not getting any younger. But... I am not talking about the money here-" he cut me off in my last sentence.

"Then, what is it that you're so worked up that you chose to be away from us?!" His voice raised which got me stunned for a bit. I can see that he's getting frustrated by the situation but calmly rose up to his seat.

And then, it got me to realize something that's making me do it. I always say that I will get the company back. I want to restore my family's legacy, and my father's hard work. It is what drives me to live... every day. I died when Papa turned into ashes. I couldn't live when I try to stand up again. Years of mourning. Years of reminiscing the past. Years of living in a memory that cannot be relived again.

I wanted to live in the world where he exists. I wanted to be in a place where I can feel him in every corner of the room.

Carluccio's is my Papa's home.

"Since the Carluccio's got out of our care, I've been working so hard to get it back. And with this perfect opportunity, now I can do that." I was given a chance to continue my goal. And I can't bear to lose it. "I am not a little girl anymore with small knowledge about how this works. I wanted to prove myself." I placed my hand on my chest.

This is what I prepared for. Lahat ng pinagaralan ko, gusto ko na iyong magamit para dito.

"What about me?" He asked.

"What do you mean-"

"What about me, Monica?" It's not just his lips that were talking, his eyes and the eyebrows... they have their own way of communicating to me. "I am your husband. What about our family? When are we going to have our own? I need you-" he reached for my hand. "-I clearly told you that I want to build a family with you. That's why I gave you enough time to liberate. I was hoping that it was enough, so you can give your full self to me-"

I distanced myself from him. Enough space so I can say what's in my heart.

"I can't do that!" I exclaimed.

"What?"

"I can't do what you ask for me to do. At least- not yet. I am not ready."

What's with the rush, anyway?

"The moment you accept that ring on your finger, you knew what's supposed to happen. I gave you space. I gave you time. Is that still not enough for you to finally be my wife?" I can hear his frustration. Not all men are willing to give freedom to women once they are betrothed. Not all husbands can accept the liberation of their wives. But for Paris, it was easy to give and accept. He's not clipping my wings. But of course, those freedom comes with conditions.

"I am thankful for the time and space you gave me, Paris." I am the one who reached for his hands this time. If I need to do this thing to convince him, I will. I looked into his eyes, they were still the same. Alive and talking. "And because of that, I was able to realize what I really wanted to do with my life. Carluccio's is a part of me. And forever will be. And I want to give my best to this company. I wanted to create my own name in this industry. Not because I was a daughter to my father. A grandchild to my grandparents and ancestors. Most importantly, not because I am only a wife to my husband."

I wanted to be self-made. Carving my own way to the top. Success is sweeter that way.

"I do not want to be just Monica to the people who contributed a lot to my family's legacy."

Every time I thought of my ancestors and their works, I cannot stop thinking of what I would do to create me, the Monica I wanted to become.

"I have a dream. I have my own picture of what I wanted to become."

"You, of all people, should understand me. As your wife, Paris, I wanted to be more. As your friend, I wanted to thrive on my own. So I ask of you, to let me be."

He won't talk this time. Nagaantay ako ng sasabihin niya kung papayag ba siya o hindi. Ngunit, kahit ano namang maging desisyon ay sarili ko pa rin ang aking susundin. Ganoon katigas ang aking ulo.

I slowly unlace my hands to his. I didn't look up to him. I don't want to see him.

"Don Carluccio warned me about you. He told me that you are an ambitious woman. You are the type of woman that doesn't let men sway them. And I admired you for that. And because of that warning, you became the second thing that fascinates me other than grapes." His litany.

We both cackled.

"If this is what you really want, I will not force you to do something you don't want to do. But I am hoping that someday... I will have a part for you. I want to have a place in your life, truly. If you could just let me."

Should I be happy that he finally agreed?

"Why are you saying this?" Of course, he had a part in my life. He's been a good friend to me. Married or not.

Paris sighed. "We are both tired for tonight. We both had fun at the party. Let's just rest for the night. Good night, amore." He kissed my forehead. Caressing my hair gently before leaving an invisible mark of a kiss on my skin.

He smiled weakly before turning his back on me to climb the stairs going to his room. I heard him lock the door and leaving me confused in my seat.

Back in my room, I still haven't forgotten the expression he gave me before we bid our 'goodnights'. He even let the maids prepare his morning meal separately and delivered them to his room. I was left alone at the dining table.

I was informed that his flight will be this afternoon. We haven't talked since then.

I can't let him go without saying anything, right? It will be rude and disrespectful. He's still my husband.

I brought myself upstairs and stopped by his bedroom door. I gathered all the courage I have and knocked on that door. It takes seconds before he opened it and he showed up with a straight face. I remember how he had bloomy and happy expressions whenever he talk to me. But now... it's all dark.

I should say something, of course. I have to find words.

My shoulders keep rising and down because of nervousness.

"I see that you're still packing," I finally said. I saw his luggage still open with messy clothes inside sitting on his bed. His flight going back to Florence will be this afternoon. My decision still remains that I will not come with him.

"Yes, still finishing up." He said. Plain-straight face.

Hindi ko na masundan pa ang aking sinabi. Tila nawalan na ako ng mga salita at hindi ko na ito mabuo sa isang pangungusap. I honestly don't know what to say. From the conversation that we had last night, I know to myself that I became selfish. I should stay with my family when they need me most but I chose to stay away.

"If you don't have anything else to say, I will close this door so I can finish my packing." He's ready to push the door.

"Of course, of course." I backed step three times but still looked at him.

Minutes passed and I went back to my room. Walking back and forth at the side of my bed, thinking, there must be something I should do. I can't just let him leave when I know that we're not even.

"Nonno, per favore, calm down. È una scelta che devo fare." Video calling my grandparents was not really a good idea right now. I wanted to let them know about my decision.

Grandpa couldn't agree with it.

"When I told you that I will support you in taking back the company, it's not what I meant for you to do. You have Paris that can help you now. You don't have to stay there knowing you are alone." His litany. He still didn't know about my recent accident and I do not have the plan to tell them anyway.

"I am not alone. I have Matteo, my cousin. Do you remember him? He's taking good care of me here." He knows Matteo. They have met a long time ago but I know that he remembers him.

"Lo so, cara. But you cannot put all the work into your cousin. If you really have to stay, I will send enough men to guard you."

"Nonno, please, don't. You don't have to do that. There is no danger here." I reassured him.

Hindi matatapos ang usapang ito hangga't hindi niya mismo naririnig mula kay Matteo ang mga salitang gusto niyang marinig. I had to call him for a three-way call knowing that he was working. He didn't disappoint naman and talked to my grandpa. I had to excuse myself while they were still talking to get a glass of water. I am parched with all the talking and convincing my grandparents so they will approve it.

Bumaba ako ng hagdan at dumiretso sa kusina. It's funny to think na pati sa loob ng bahay ay may mga bodyguard na nakapaligid. Kahit saang sulok, kahit saan ako tumingin.

Pagbalik ko sa taas ay napatigil na naman ako sa pintuan ni Paris. Ilang oras na lamang ay aalis na siya ngunit wala pa kaming matinong paguusap sa umagang ito. Hindi kaya ng aking konsensiya na manahimik na lamang kaya muli akong kumatok. The moment he opened the door, I started speaking.

"Look, I didn't know what I said last night that offended you. You changed and didn't want to talk to me- but since you're leaving, I want us to bond."

I know how much he loves what I said. He loves adventure. At kahit maliliit na activities ay gagawin niya pa rin. There's nothing big that we have to do today. I want us to just hang out before he leaves. Paris is a person that is in love with being active. He likes to move and take adventures. Nadadamay lamang ako dahil kasama niya ako. But I am not complaining at all. I get to experience luxury, travel, different cuisine, and all. From what I can say, he really made me live comfortably.

His expression didn't change. As I look him in the eyes, I know he's slowly melting. He loves my idea. But the only problem is that we only have a small amount of time.

"We can go to the mall or parks. There are a lot of activities we can do here in Metro Manila." I said. If he's worried about his flight, we have 6 hours before he departs. That's enough time.

"Fine. But I am not driving!" He muttered.

Once he set his conditions, he unpacked his bag to get decent clothes for today. Wala na rin naman akong pinalampas na oras at naghanda na rin ako. Saan ko kaya siya pwedeng dalhin? Are there any activities that we can do for six hours? With the heavy traffic and not to mention- the sun. It's like the rays are going through my insides when it hits my skin.

And yes, he really let's me drive. All the time, sa bintana lamang sya nakatingin.

All this time, ngayon ko lang napansin ang kagandahang taglay ng syudad na ito. Matatangkad na gusali na tila ang mga ilaw sa bawat gusali ay misturang mga parol. I grew up in the country side. Both in Batangas and Italy. I have never experienced fully living in metro city. But both are convenient. Different advantages.

"Where should we go first?" He asked me in the middle of the road.

Manila is known for heavy traffic especially in big cities. We were stuck and waiting for the other vehicle to move.

Now that I have convinced him to go with me today, I didn't know which place to go to. Ayoko naman mapahiya sa kanya kaya palihim kong inikot ang aking mga mata sa mga lugar na nakapalibot ngayon sa amin. Street foods, bookstore, tall commercial buildings. May mga bata pang naglalakad sa kalagitnaan ng kalsada habang nagbebenta ng sampaguita at basahan. Kumakatok ang mga ito sa bawat pintuan ng mga sasakyan upang alokin ang mga ito.

"I'm kinda hungry. I see stalls of food on the sidewalk. Let me just park this car." I said.

Gusto kong iparanas sa kanya ang pagkain ng mga street foods. Hindi iyong puro steaks and pasta na lamang ang alam niya. Habang naiisip ko iyon ay natatawa ako sa aking kalooban.

"Where are we going to eat?" Tanong na naman niya.

Maswerte ako at unti unti na ngang gumagalaw ang mga sasakyan. Nang nagkaroon na ako ng espasyo ay naghanap na nga ako ng spot para ma-park ang sasakyan na ito.

"Come out, we are going to eat." Pagaya ko sa kanya.

Sumunod naman ito sa akin at nanatili sa likod ko.

"Kuya, pabili po. Each of those." Sabi ko. Iba't iba ang paninda niya. May pork barbeque, isaw, betamax at balat ng baboy. Nagpiprito din ito ng maliliti na hotdog, fishballs and more.

"That's what we're going to eat? You said you were hungry? Are you sure?" Paris cannot believed that I bought those food. This will be his first time.

"Yes! I'm sure. Oh,come on! It's delicious. We call these Filipino street foods." A varieties of delicacies. Hindi ko na iisahin pa sa kanya ang mga pangalan dahil hindi rin naman niya maiintindihan.

Nakikita ko sa kanyang mga mata ang kyuyosidad ngunit walang halong pangdidiri. Alam kong gusto niya rin tikman ngunit hindi niya lang alam kung paano.

I picked up the barbeque from my cup and dipped it in the sauce- a mixture of vinegar and other spices. "I'll show you how to eat it." I said, kinagatan ko naman ang karne mula sa stick at pinakita ko iyon sa kanya.

He took his first bite. Taste the piece inside his mouth while coming up with the flavors he encounters. After that, he took another bite. I know his liking it that why I didn't ask. I paid attention on my own food. Kinagatan ko ito hanggang sa maubos na. Hindi na ako nabigla nang mas nauna pa niyang maubos ang nasa cup nito, and he asks for more! Kaya naman binigyan siyang muli ng tindero at nilagay iyon sa kanyang cup. Sumawsaw din ito sa sauce na nasa aming tabihan lamang.

I cannot blame the people who are staring at us right now. It is rare to find foreigners on the sidewalks eating street foods in the middle of the afternoon. And he is enjoying it as much as I do.

"That was good. I didn't know that you're eating foods like these." He said after I paid for all the food we ate.

"Of course. I grew up here. Street foods are one of my favorites to eat with my friends." I suddenly miss all of them.

Glimpsing at my watch, we already spend an hour. Five hours left before he departs. Habang bumabalik naman kami sa sasakyan ay kinukwento ko sa kanya kung bakit ko naging paborito ko ang pagkain ng street foods.

"It's because of my friends when we were still in High School. Remember when I told you that I spend my teenage year in Batangas? That's where we all met. After school, we always go to this spot in the public market where people used to sell amazing foods. We smelled like smokes after but that was worth it."

"And you are right. We smelled like smokes but the food was delicious." He said.

We both laughed and headed to our vehicle.

We spend the remaining hours to the nearest park in the area. I wanted to go to other places but I am afraid that we do not have much time. We walked and talked and reminisce. We've been through so many years and I was surprised that I didn't knew him wholeheartedly.

"I think it's time to head straight to the airport," he interrupted my thinking.

"Ah-yes! I don't want you to be late to your flight." I said.

I am comfortable around him. I always knew that he have feelings for me. He always care for me. That care only grew now that we we're married. But I cannot give him the same feelings. I care about him. He's been a part of my family and no doubt.

Hindi naman nga kami nagtagal pa sa byahe papuntang airport. Siya na ang nagmaneho ngayon para mas mapabilis pa kami. Good thing that he already brought his luggage so we will not have to go back to the house and get it. He changed his shirt in the car before coming out.

Hinatid ko siya hanggang sa entrance. Nakakapit ang aking mga kamay sa kanyang braso.

"So, this is it." He whispered before turning at me.

"Yes, this is it." I said.

"Are you sure about your decision? I just-" he's still bargaining.

"Hey, hey. We talked about this. I'm sure. It's not like you will not come back here."

Kayang kaya niyang gawing kusina ang Tuscany hanggang Manila.

"I know. It will take a long while before I come and see you again. We were just worried about you."

He once said that once his back to Italy, he will be busier and would not have time to even eat. That's why his assistant have a critical role of reminding him about his meal time.

"I am fine, Paris. I am not alone here. Matteo is here, he will take care of me."

"Okay. Fine." He surrendered. "Is it okay if I will ask for some update? I just want to know if you're okay and safe."

"I will try to," I said but I will not promise.

He hugged me one more time and this time, it was longer and tighter.

"I'm gonna miss you, my little sweetheart." He kissed my hair.

We bid our final goodbyes and watched him walk away from my direction. I watched him until he reach the entrance door and he looked back. I waved a small gesture on my hand and smile. I mouthed a word to him and he smile again. He continued to walk away now and I also walk back to my car.

This is it. The start of my liberation. The start of my goal. And I will do my best to achieve it.