Can't Hate You

Forgive him

☼Dean's Journal☼

After you entered my life, I never touched someone else than you. I could’ve never done that. That would be against my own rules. That would be senseless and stupid. I know very well that I would burn if I would touch somebody else. Their skin would burn my skin.. only yours is allowed and healing.

After you entered my life, everything changed. Even looking at another girl felt like a mistake. Even thinking about another girl or talking to another girl felt like a mistake. Even if it was a normal look, a normal thought and a normal conversation. It was a mistake. You are the only one I want to talk to. You are the only want I want to look at and think about. You are the only one who doesn’t leave my head no matter how much I try it.

You said you were just one of them.. one of the others that don’t mean anything to me and I hate myself for making you think and say this. I hate myself for making you feel like that because you’re so wrong with that. You're different than them all. With different I really mean different. The color of your skin.. of your hair.. and your eyes.. you're holy and every time I look at you I feel blessed. You’re nothing like them. How dare you compare yourself to them? How dare I make you think of that?

There's this thing in your eyes.. that thing that can make even me feel special. I hate this world but you make it seem less worse. You make everything better. You make everything seem so unproblematic. That’s why I can’t function next to you. That’s why it’s to difficult for me.

I know I was a jerk just like every other guy.. I did what everybody expected me to do. I acted exactly the way they expected it. I treated you like s**t and disappointed you. I broke your heart although I didn’t intent to. Now they all are right..

I was never one of these bad boys who changed for a girl and fell in love with her. I’ve been in love with you my entire life. I was born only to love you..

One day I am going to explain it to you. You can forget that I’m going to leave you alone. You probably don’t want to listen but you have to. You are mine and I’m going to get what’s mine..

So get one thing into your head. Touching or loving somebody else than you is impossible for me. It’s against my rules.

☼☼☼

Melissa

I was watching tv, totally tired and exhausted while Elijah was in the bathroom. I was so soft and comfortable that I felt like sleeping for the next three days.. I couldn’t believe how well being alone with him made me feel.. I could finally rest and get as much of him as I wanted.

He walked in and when I looked up at him I noticed that he was shaking... he seemed sick. I sat up, totally worried and confused. He swallowed and it looked like he couldn't breathe so I stood up and helped him to bed... he placed his hand on his chest, right where his heart was. That scared the hell out of me.

“What‘s wrong?” I asked him almost panicking. For a second I thought he was getting a heart attack but it didn’t seem like that. It was more like he was in pain that he could stand.. He tried to take a deep breath but seemed frustrated because he could barely breathe. I gave him a few seconds and handed him a glass of water hoping he could get himself back together until he could at least talk.

“Call Sun.. something is wrong with her.. I need to hear her voice.”

Sun

We were still standing arm in arm. I didn’t know for how long because time seemed to pass slower than usually as if the universe wanted to torture me.. I wasn’t sobbing anymore.. just crying silently, trying to get the imagines out of my head. Dean and another girl.. he didn’t even try to defend himself. He didn’t even explain. He said two sentences but it was obvious that he was lying. He couldn’t prove me anything.. he didn’t have any arguments that could make me believe him.. there was nothing.. I was fooled. I was so stupid to believe this fuckboy that I handed him not only my body, but also my heart. I always swore myself I wouldn’t fall for someone like him and I believed so hard that he was different but he was like all of the other guys who were using girls.

Blake was trying to comfort me. He didn’t say a word or force me to say anything. He didn’t push me away or made it uncomfortable.. but I still backed off slowly and tried to get out of his arms.. this wasn’t right.. I couldn’t stand Dean in that moment.. I had no right to cry my eyes out on his brothers shoulders. I wanted to say something and explain but my phone started to ring..

I saw how sad he seemed before I answered mom’s call.. that made me panic a little bit but I was going to handle it. I wiped my tears away and tried to get myself back together.

“Hey mom!” I said smiling in pain, trying to sound like I was hyped and happy. My voice was shaking and knew that she knew that something was wrong. I didn’t want her to ask me about it. I didn’t want to talk about it. No matter who it was. “Sun, what is going on there? Your father almost got a heart attack!” she said and my jaw dropped. I totally forgot about that.

“We are really worried right now!” she added and I held my breath. “We had a little conflict earlier.. but it’s okay now. I promise..” my voice almost cracked so I swallowed the tears. “Are you sure?” she asked very seriously and I hated lying to them like this especially because that was actually a moment in which I needed my mom but I didn’t want them to know about it. I didn’t want them to find out about anything.

“Tell dad that.. everything is alright.. I'm fine now..” I said looking at him and he smiled softly hoping it would comfort me.. “I hope so..” she said still suspicious. “I have to go back now. Love you. Have fun.” I said and hung up.. as soon as I did that I almost bursted out in tears because it was harder than I thought.

Then I finally took a deep breath and got to say what I wanted to say before mom called. “Blake.. thank you so much for being there for me but this feels wrong. I don’t want to be the b***h who cries out her eyes on her boyfriends brothers shoulder. You don’t have to do this all.” I said feeling the weights on my chest. Talking made me feel like I ran a marathon that was way too long. “Okay enough.” he said and opened the door of his car so I could get in. “I don’t give a f**k about what others will think. I will be there for you and I want to talk to you, so get in. I’m doing this because I want to.” he added. I looked at him and he pointed inside with his car. I still felt bad about it but he was insisting and I didn’t have the nerve to argue with him about it.

I got in his car and tried to make my shaking hands stop. He closed the door and went over to his side to get in. He didn't turn the engine on.. he just looked at the wheel for a couple of seconds and I could see that he was sad as well.

Dean told me things about him that made me almost believe him.. but he was a liar. A cheater and a liar. Why should I believe him about his brother? He probably wanted to make him look bad only so he would stay away from me.. because he knew he was going to save me from him.

“Do you want to talk about it or just cry?” he asked with a quiet voice.. I knew that he was trying his best to be soft but I also knew that this was really awkward and uncomfortable too. I knew that he didn’t want to pressure me..

“I just want to cry..” I said looking at him with wet eyes and a shaking chin. I hated crying but this time I was going to let it all out so I wouldn’t waste another tear on Dean ever again and could get over him as quick as possible because I knew this pain would kill me.

He opened the center console and handed me the tissue box that was inside of it. He smiled and I tried to smile back as good as I could because he was really trying a lot and I appreciated that no matter how bad Dean f****d up and what he said about him.

“Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked me leaning back. I squeezed my hair behind my ear and shook my head. He turned the engine on and said “It’ll get warmer in a few seconds..” and I was thankful for that because I was cold.. not only my body.. but also my heart..

Blake

I noticed how she was tapping on the sides of the tissue box with her long nails. Her nails were pretty fine.. just like her hands.. and arms.. and shoulders.. and neck.. and lips.. I bit my lower lip without even noticing it. I turned my head around to look out of my window because I knew how wrong this was..

Sun

I just kept crying next to him, silently without any movement. For hours I think. At least that’s what it felt like since I lost every sense of time. He didn't say a word, what I really appreciated because I didn’t want to talk but I also didn’t want to be alone. Luckily he wasn't one of those clingy annoying boys who kept asking if everything was okay or if I wanted to talk.

But then he couldn't take it anymore and broke the silence. “Don't be mad at him.” he said out of nowhere and I looked at him eyes wide open with a dropped jaw. Then I furrowed my eyebrows quickly and felt how my eyes started burning. How my blood started boiling and suddenly I felt the urge to punch him. Did I hear it right?. “Okay be mad at him but forgive him.” he said when he saw my reaction but that still wasn’t enough. I was irritated.

“Are you.. do you want me to hijack your car and run you over?!” I asked with a raised brow. I was ready to do it if he was going to talk more bullshit. “Sun.. I know saying this won’t change anything because of what you feel right now and it may sound like a cliche but he would never love someone else than you.. he wouldn't even touch someone else than you.” he said and he was right. It sounded like a damn cliche. That was exactly what I expected and what people were always saying. I leaned back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. He leaned it.

“Look.. he already told you that I know him.. and I really know him. We know each other very well. He is right with everything that he told you about me and I am right with everything that I am going to tell you about him. He loves you more than anything.” I looked at him when he continued. He said that Dean was right with what he said about him.. that confused me. My brain was f****d up and my feelings were all over the place. This was too much for me.

“How can you say that? He never mentioned that he loves me or has any feelings for me, until tonight because he knew I was going to dump his ass. We knock each other for two months.. we don’t even really know each other.. how could I even trust him? How could I be so stupid and risk so much for him? I fell in love with such an asshole...” I said and realized how my voice started shaking again. “You’re only saying this because you’re angry and hurt. You know about the special bond between you too.” he said and I clenched my jaw.

Blake

If she would’ve only known that Dean already knew her his whole life..

“Yes.. you might don’t know each other for too long.. but you already know each other very well and you’re on the way to understand him. Don’t give up on him..” I said and pressured my lips. “Why are you guys like this? He broke my heart and I shouldn’t give up on him? He gave up on me when he decided to risk losing me!”

She was right. I didn’t know what Dean has done or what really happened but I knew very well that he loved her. Dad would’ve killed him if he would’ve found out about it. He was too blind to see it but I saw the way he looked at her when she met us. I’ve never seen him worry and break his head over something so much. It was obvious and normal when I thought of his past..

“If Dean loves.. then he really loves. And Dean doesn’t love anybody. He never loved anybody. Not dad, not even me, not his friends, teachers or any hero’s in tv series. He only had a thing for the villains and bad guys. So that means, if he really decided to love someone, then he is going to burn the whole f*****g world for this person.”

Everything I said was true.. but I was ashamed that I’ve done this not only for him.. I wanted them to get back together, I didn’t want any of them to suffer from a heartbreak or anything else but I also needed keep dad’s plans in mind so I needed to get her back.. even if his plans were terrifying at some point..

Sun

He sounded really honest. As if it really meant something to him. He was serious. And he was right. I didn’t want to believe him because I was hurt and angry. I wanted to be angry at him.

“He said.. he was with a girl.. and I will never know what happened between them..” I said shaking my head slowly. “Wait.. I don't even want to know what happened between them. I don’t want to hear anything about him again for a really long time..” I added. He sighed and ran his hands over his face.

“Please don't say that. He'll be heartbroken.” he said and my jaw dropped again. He was really trying to make me crazy. “Blake, he's breaking my heart all the time! He’s always hurting me!” my eyes started burning again but I didn’t want to cry anymore. I was really tired of that. “Yes, but this is Dean! He loves with hate! That shows that he cares! He literally does not know how to be kind or polite and if he tries then that’s really another level.” he said looking straight into my eyes. He really wanted me to believe him. He wanted to do everything to get us back together..

“No! He's not even appreciating me a little bit! I’m an object to him! I don't even know why he was wasting his time with me. What was his purpose? What did he want from me?“ I asked raising my voice a little. He leaned in and raised his brow at me. He seemed a little pissed.

»He does. He is doing everything you want him to do but he doesn’t know how to show it. You need to teach him how because you’re the only one who means something to him.. I’ve seen major changes since you entered his life.” I hated that I knew he was right. I hated that I’ve seen these changes too..

Moon

The party was still going on but my blood was still boiling. I’ve seen how they both left. I couldn't even follow her because I wanted to fight Dean but he rushed out as well. I wanted to follow him so I could beat the s**t out of him but Skylar stopped me. She told me to not interfere and that Sun would talk to me as soon as she would feel ready for it. I tried to listen to her because girls knew girls better than boys.

I was so inpatient that I wanted to go and follow her but it was already too late for that and I couldn’t get all of these people out so easily.

Sun

My phone rang. I hoped that it wasn’t Dean. I hoped he didn’t had the nerve to call me... but at the same time I felt my heart ache again because he wasn’t even trying.. he just accepted it all.. it was Moon who was calling me..

“Sun where are you?” I could hear how worried he was through the music.. I was so mad at each of us for ruining his mood and their party. He should’ve been having fun instead of worrying about me. I was such a bad sibling.. I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath.. “I'm with Blake. Everything is alright..” I answered lying again. I closed my eyes and only then I realized that I was really exhausted and tired..

“Give him the phone.” he said on the other line. I opened my eyes and handed Blake the phone without looking at him..

Blake

I was surprised that he wanted to talk to me but I could understand it. He was a really caring brother and not as bad as Dean said. I thought Moon would be angry and yell at me but he wasn’t that kind of person.

“Yes?” I asked and he sighed. “Take care of her. Take her back home as soon as she wants to come back.” he said. I was a little surprised but didn’t show her that. I loved taking care of her.

“Yeah.. Of course, don't worry bro..” I said totally normally as if it didn’t excite me a bit. “Thanks dude..” he hung up and I looked at her. Her eyes were closed.. she was going to fall asleep..