Can't Hate You

Storms

☼Dean's Journal☼

You're afraid of me. I'm scaring you. I'm making you cry. I'm screaming at you. I'm making you sad. I’m making you feel bad and guilty for things that you’re not responsible of and I hate it. You thought I would really hurt you. You know what an asshole I am, how inpatient and rude I am but you're still with me. You're staying. Even if I left. You can't stay away from me. But not I showed you my real face and I doubt that you will hold onto me.

But do you know how much I really love you?

I know I’ve never said it and yes I might hurt you all the time with my words and my actions but at the same time I'm keen on you. I'm crazy for you. I was afraid this would happen and tried to fight against it but you made your way into my heart that I already forgot about..

I'm not screaming at you because you did something wrong or you made me mad... none of this is your fault. I’m the one who can't control his anger or his mixed feelings or the issues... That's my problem. I can't handle it. I can’t handle what I’m feeling because this is not me.. none of this is me. I don’t fall in love, I’m not nice, I’m not caring or supportive or anything close to that. I’m the worse. I can’t even control myself when you’re next to me.

I hurt you and break your heart... I’m mean to you and you let it slide.. but you should know that there's no me without you. I can't live without you. I had to realize this in a painful way. Nobody got ever this close to me in such a short time.. I’m only here because you are here.. And I know how strong you are. I know you can make it with me. You can handle me.. Because you.. are crazy for me as well...

☼☼☼

Sun

It was a very silent ride.. I felt his eyes on me the whole time.. not in an uncomfortable way. More like he wanted to check on me as if I was going to die or something. Nothing happened. I didn’t know what Dean wanted to do but I was sure that he didn’t want to hurt me, no matter what they were thinking or knowing about him. I already knew him.. I felt him and the looks that he gave me.. he would do everything but never hurt me... but I was still angry at him and hurt about his words and because he didn’t talk to me earlier. I was sharing everything with him.. trusting him.. why couldn’t he trust me?

“Please don't be made at Dean.. he's always been like this..” Blake broke the silence. He still wanted to defend him. He was just as tall as Dean but not as handsome and muscular as him. His hair was brown and his eyes were green... I asked myself what color their mom’s eyes were.. He was handsome.. but he looked like all the other boys while Dean had something special. I couldn’t spot any tattoos on Blake’s arms or neck or any other part that I could see.. he seemed totally normal.. but it was obvious that he was probably a little narcissistic.

“He keeps overthinking and ends up with hurting someone.. or himself.” he continued when I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say a word. All I wanted was to disappear in my bed. But I also wanted to ask him why he was like this. There had to be a reason because there was always something that turned people into those you they didn’t want to be..

“Did he hurt you..?” He asked out of nowhere and I turned around to him so fast that I almost broke my neck. I knew what he assumed.. and for some reason that made my blood boil.

Blake

Her eyes were shining.. because they were still wet. She looked kinda shocked and mad.. her furrowed eyebrows showed the fire insides of her.. “No..! He never hurt me!” she said as if I was not going to believe her. I looked at the road again.. I didn’t want to make her mad.. I only wanted to know because I wasn’t sure if Dean would ever hurt somebody for real. He already had thousands of fights but I wasn’t sure if he would hurt a girl.. especially a girl like her... but I wanted to bekriegt hat he never touched her in that way. I believed that he was a normal human being who would never do that.

Sun

“Sorry.. just wanted to make sure. It's not worth to be sad for him.. he'll calm down very soon like always and you'll see that there is nothing to worry about..” he said and tried to smile softly. He was really kind and caring.. supportive and careful. That was weird. I asked myself how they were related. He was the opposite of Dean..

“He never talks to me.. or tells me anything..” I finally got my first words out with my raw voice. I clenched my jaw.. “He never talks to anyone. Especially not about his feelings.” he said as if it was obvious. I let my head fall back.. how great. What an introvert and extrovert at the same time. He was so great with socializing and getting in contact with other feelings unless he didn’t have to talk about himself.

“Being with him isn't easy, right?” he asked and I shook my head. “Definitely not.” I anderer and he laughed. “But it will be worth it. Believe me.” he said smiling.. this time I smiled back and it was a honest smile. He was really trying. He also could’ve been silent during the whole ride and not cared about me or him but he did and I really appreciated that...

We finally arrived and I fixed my hair a little bit. “Thanks for the ride.. and your words. I really appreciate that..” I said and smiled again. He smiled back. “Always.”. His voice wasn’t as deep as Deans.. it was more clear and didn’t sound so harsh. I could see that he was a positive person.

Blake

Before she got out of my car she asked “Could you please call me as soon as he comes back? Because I'm pretty sure he won't text me or call me back...” she said and she seemed really really sad. I kept smiling, hoping it would comfort her.. and tried to not turn it into a smirk. “Of course.” I answered politely.

She waved and left..

After that I could finally understand dads thoughts and plans about her..

Sun

I walked in and realized how exhausted I was. How tired and broken I was.. It was so quiet and empty in the house that it matched my feelings in that moment.

“Mom? Dad?” my voice sounded so loud because it was more quiet than it should be in this house... that was really suspicious. “Moon?”. Still no response. Where they messing with me or something? Either they had to get something important done at this time or something else was going on because I already texted them all and told them where I was so they wouldn’t have to worry..

Actually it was perfect that I was alone because that’s what i needed the most in that moment.. no.. I needed Dean.. but he needed time..

“Sam?!” she was my last option. “I'm here honey!” she shouted and I smiled. Her company was great.. her voice came from my room. I walked up and saw her changing the sheets. I sighed. “Where are they all?” I asked and she turned around to me. “You're parents left for a few days and Moon is out with some friends.” she answered smiling positively as always. I looked around in the room.

“Oh.. okay..” that was weird.. that they left without telling us before. I didn’t even get a message. Did Moon know about it? Probably.. and suddenly I felt awful. I wanted to be alone but not for too long... “Do you need or want anything?” she asked me smiling and I smiled back. I shook my head quickly and tried to not seem so sad. “No thank you...” I said. She nodded and left.

After she closed the door, I felt even more alone than before.. the sadness inside of me was going to make me drown.. the impact that he had on me and my life was dangerous because in moment like these he could just leave and not care and leave me behind while I was struggling because I still wanted him to come back and talk to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I hated it at some point because I should be angry at him. Was it my fault that he freaked out? I kept talking and annoying him although I promised myself to not and although I knew that he hated that.

I just wanted to help him but maybe leaving him alone was a better decision..

Moon

Skylar and I were getting some stuff for our party, like crazy hats, confetti, drinks, decorations, games and cups and all that stuff.. The final touches for the best party in the history..

She was looking for balloons while I was looking for champagne. She screamed and I almost let the bottle in my hand fall. “God damn Skylar!” I said and she walked towards me with a package in her hand. Her eyes were shining. “Moon! Look! It's a moon!” she showed me the moon balloon. I rolled my eyes but had to smile. “Too much glitter!” I said but she was too excited.

“I'll buy it anyway! I love glitter!”. I raised my brow. “Ew. So girly.” I said a little disgusted. She gave me a death stare. Then she went back to the decoration section. We almost spent hours there only because of her. Why did girls always have to be like this? I already got everything we needed but she wasn’t done yet.

When we were finally done she didn’t stop smiling. Her eyes were shining and she looked like she won a prize. “I'm so happy!” she was so cheesy. “You're going to be eighteen tomorrow!” she said and clapped. That was the matter.. me, not the balloons. “What's so special about that?” I asked her placing my hands on her waist.

I didn’t really care about my birthday. It was the party that I cared about and I didn’t need a birthday for that.

“You're really asking me that?” she asked looking disappointed. I nodded. “You'll see tomorrow!” she said and I could see that she she was planning something. I hated surprises. I needed to be able to control everything instead of getting caught off guard.. she slowly backed off but I grabbed her arms and pulled her back close.

Skylar

I was surprised about his sudden moves but they made me smile.

“What's going to happen tomorrow..?” he asked me with a husky voice. I felt how my heart started beating faster.. that always happened when he was so close to me and looked at my lips like that... “I-.. I mean.. you'll get presents and.. and your friends will be with you..” I couldn't even talk. He was making me nervous.. feeling some type of way. He made me speechless. I swallowed when he smirked. “Do you have a present for me..?” he asked.. His face was inches away from mine.

“Yes.. how about you..? Do you have a present for me?” I asked feeling the excitement in my body.. He bit his lower lip and pulled me so close that I needed to look around if someone was around us. “Yeah.. but it'll may make you scream a little...” he whispered into my ear and I got goosebump.

“And you may need help with walking for a few weeks afterwards..” then he let me go very roughly and walked past me with a dirty smirk..

Blake

Hours passed after I went back home. After I brought Sun back home I drove around hoping I could find Dean. I was sure that I wouldn't find him but I kept driving around to free my mind and think about a few things.

I've never been that kind of person who was overthinking or trying too much. I never cared about anything or anybody. Not like Dean. I knew he had a heart and a soul but I definitely did not because if he would’ve really meant something to me, I would’ve tried to help him earlier every time dad almost killed him.. but I didn’t even care about him.. I only cared about myself. Probably because that’s the only thing I’ve learned. I knew that nothing could happen to me as long as I would protect myself first...

But I somehow cared about her. It wasn’t even annoying me that I cared.. it was a feeling of emptiness. I cared.. that’s all. Not more.

I knew about my dads plans.. I knew he was a creep.. but I could understand Dean as well.. so much pressure and so much pain, stress, hate and other things at the same time.. we’re too much for him sometimes. He wasn’t okay.. he really wasn’t okay and it was all our fault.. he was broken, aggressive and he hated everything. I could understand that. He couldn’t understand anything. He couldn’t understand this world, people and himself.. I knew that because I felt the same way most of the time..

When I walked in I heard noises coming from dad’s office so I walked upstairs and knocked on his door. He let me in.. I walked in carefully. He was sitting on the corner of his table.. as if he’s been waiting for me all the time.. I knew he was going to freak out so I got ready for the storm..