The Warm Light

“I loved you” “I’ve loved you, with all the childish wound and joy. I’ve loved you more than I see the world. I’ve loved you as much as I hate the world.” My heart skipped a beat, then beats a little faster with each passing moment. And while I close my eyes, I’ve dreamed of you with me. Now and the future “I love you” I said that in my heart while seeing you smiling in the light full of people. I thought I knew you the most. But I'm wrong. It's because of me,it's all always have been me. Long ago, I'd always dreamed of a happy ending, a kind prince with gentle hands and a warm hug, a calm smile and passionate heart all for me. For me, the world is cold and dark. It’s hollow and full of scratching noises. In what I can remember clearly, I am always full of tears, with air in place of my heart and calluses and cracks on both my hands and feet. I remember the world seemed vibrant green and full of bright blue from afar. The moment I drew near, it all became brown and blurry. Dark and scorching humid air My mother always told me that she has filled my life with happiness only. The best thing I can remember doing is me, running across the public field in the twilight. Everyone always says that I'm lucky and spoiled. Everyone tells me that I’ve been spoiled enough already. They decided that is enough happiness to last for my entire life it seems. I'm trying to convince myself that too. But I cant help but to cry. Because I know that’s not enough. My mother always told me that I have to work harder so I can take care of them. I have to earn more, so I won't betray the price they spend on raising me. They say I’m selfish because I want what I deserve They say I’m irresponsible for not doing others' work. The scolds for everything I’ve done, everything I haven’t done. All the blame for what I’ve done, and what I haven’t done. All the disappointments for what I could provide, and cant provide. Their dissatisfaction is always present. What I want is superfluous and unreasonable. And all I need is a luxury that I should be grateful for. Yes, I’m greedy. I’m ungrateful Is it wrong to try to love myself instead of living from their pity and their leisure after thought? I always thought that all I ever could be was a tool to pay back the worth my family use for me. Slaving my life for the sake of their acceptance. All my life is grey and bleeding red. Then, in my desperation You came Like a warm breeze, tickling my mind From simple curiosity and the relief of a tree hole It grew into hope. You are the ever first hope in my life. Something I could think of sharing my thoughts with The one person who I can talk to without scolding, without disappointment, without anger, without sneering. It's like a dam being cracked open by the littlest rock. It flows out small in the beginning and rolling down like a flood In all that time, I felt relieved that I was not alone. I feel relieved that others can understand me. Relieved that you can talk to me with the simplest word I'm relieved that you are there. In that dark and suffocating room, I feel like you give me a little light. And because of that, I have the courage to open a window that I never thought my room had I can breathe a little now. When my tears no longer haunt my dreams, I just realize that I don’t know you at all. I'm just too absorbed to throw all my burdens away without realizing that you have your own burden piled up on your shoulder. The moment I stop and try to look at you You aren’t there anymore. I feel heartbroken and disappointed in you, and more for myself. How could I be so blind? "I'm sorry" In my anger. I am staying in the same place, wishing you could come. "I am wrong" From the very first time, it's me who seeks your light. You never purposely found me. I am wrong to assume you as a hope You are warm and bright. But not for me. When I found out you weren't there for me, you were there passing by looking for others. I feel guilty. Is it because I’ve never tried to relieve your burden? In my late understanding, I tried to fix it with every bright thing that I knew. But what could I do? The happiest I’ve ever known is just words and jokes to soothe a broken heart. I’ve been trying Each time Over and over again Hoping the warm light to accidentally shine in my room once again But you never glimpse my dark room anymore. You've passed my room. My time, my worth to you, my existence, has passed. Its expired date has long passed away With every little effort I can make, I am hanging on to you to try for the last time. And I’ve found out you have already found your dream. So I decided to let you go. So you won't suffer in my dark room. To let you be happy by yourself And I cried, Oh god, I cried so hard. The most miserable state I’ve ever been in. The most excruciating pain from the heart that's been broken I won't ever blame you, or regret you. Because you will stay as one of my happiest memories And I can't imagine a story without you as one of my favorite chapters Thank you for being born For meeting me For your little kindness For your patience in dealing with me For you to stay where I need the hope I am desperate for Now I know I'm not wrong. I deserve to be happy on my own. To fulfill my life with what I wanted To find myself No matter how broken and ugly it is I thank you with all my heart. And with all the tears streaming on my cheeks, back in my dark and suffocating room, I said once again “I love you” “I’ve loved you, with all the childish wound and joy. I’ve loved you more than I see the world. I’ve loved you as much as I hate the world.” “I loved you”