THE UNKNOWINGLY KNOWN

It was a year ago. I can still remember the moment when I cannot remember. It was a calm voice that was calling, it felt like I was in a dark tunnel as the voices became louder and clearer. "Munin…" Three times. Four times. I opened my eyes. It was a woman. The voice that sounded like the other side of the world came from a woman. Whom I later on will find out was my mother. Her eyes widened and she rushed to press the intercom. Not contented, she hurriedly went out of the room. A little while later, she came with a doctor and nurses with her. “She is awake Doc.,” she said. I could hear her voice trembling while telling the good news to the Doctor. The nurse was busy checking my vitals and the doctor checked my eyes with his little flashlight he had with him. It was a sore in the eye. The Doctor asked me one simple question that made the tears of the woman well from her eyes. “Do you remember your name?” the doctor gently asked me. “Name …?” replying with a faint voice. I wanted to say my name. I tried. However, I just could not say it. I was sweating profusely while the doctor was waiting for my answer. While everybody was muttering words, I was processing everything. It was frustrating. I tried remembering while the doctor was encouraging me to remember. It was no use. I cannot remember my name. The doctor turned towards the woman and stared for a second. It was a stare of despair and worry. “I need to talk to you, Mrs. Cruz, mind if we go to my office?” The doctor and the woman went outside. They left me with the nurses finishing their rounds. I was staring into space when I noticed the birthday cards, get well soon cards, pictures, and balloons, fresh and withered flowers. There were plenty of them on the walls. I wanted to go near the walls and see all the things closely. My hands and legs were weak and my back was so sore I could barely get up. I tried grabbing the bar in bed but I was exhausted. The nurse saw me struggling and rushed to assist me. “Ma’am, please relax, you have just woken up. I believe it is best for you to be still and let us do our part. You might hurt yourself.” She concernedly reprimanded me. The latch clicked. It was her coming back. This time the doctor was not with her. “Is everything all right?” she asked the nurse, as she slowly came closer to the bed. “Yes Ma’am, there is nothing to worry about, I was just reminding Ms. Cruz to relax, because she might hurt herself.” Assuring the woman, the nurse then went outside the room because she was already finished. An awkward silence filled the room, and I turned to look at the window and saw the city lights. The woman sat on the side of the bed, and called me a name that was familiar. “Munin…” with a shaking voice she called me that name. I looked at her with bewilderedness. “It is me, it is Mama…” she reached out to hold my hand, but before her hand landed on mine, I pulled it away. Then she continued talking, I swear it was the most awkward moment of my life. “It is okay, Munin, I understand, you don’t need to force yourself. Mama understands you. I just want to tell you that I am sorry, I was not able to take care of you well. I could have prevented it but I let it happen. I’m the one to blame.” Her eyes were soaked with tears and she was beating her chest. I felt bad for her, but it was hard for me to process all the emotions that I was seeing and feeling at the same time. All I did was stare at her until all I could hear was a little sob. Suddenly, she heard a ring, it was her phone, and someone was calling her. “Excuse me; I have to answer my phone.” She wiped her tears and answered the phone. She went outside and all I could hear was the fading voice as she answered the phone. She left me again. I was pondering on my life, all the “what”, “How”, “Why” questions that I could think of were sinking in. What happened? What day is it today? What year is today? What am I doing here? How did I end here? My mind was having a party that I did not want to host. I tried squeezing all my memories, but all I got was a headache. I was clenching my teeth so badly, I wanted to hit my head but I was too weak. It was frustrating. After struggling, she came back. “Munin, your brother wants me to go home? I need to attend to him, will you be okay being alone here?” kindly asking me as she was waiting for my answer, but I did not answer and just stared at the window. She must have realized that I was not in the mood to answer; she went on and prepared her things. “I will be back tomorrow; I will be calling the nurse to check you from time to time.” She drew closer and went to kiss my head, and went home. Honestly, that kiss took me aback. I looked at the clock and it was already nine in the evening. At least, I would not have to wait that long for the woman to come back. I was staring blankly at the ceiling when someone came in again. I realized this room never ran out of people who came in and out. It was a staff. He was bringing the evening ration. He was humming when he was startled to see me awake. “Oh you are finally awake! Congratulations! Ms. Cruz, I have been here every day. The only difference was it was your Mom who receives the food and eats it.” The staff was chatty. It annoyed me a little. However, he continued to talk and talk. I was so bothered that I had to cut him off by uttering the first words since my awakening. “How many days have I been here?” a question that surprised him. “I am sorry Ms. Cruz, but I am not an authorized person to disclose information to patients. You see, I am just a food ration man. I will just leave it to the doctor. I am sorry, but I do not want to lose my job.” He politely declined to answer my question. The man went out and bid me a sweet farewell. “I will be going, Ms. Cruz. I still have a lot of food to deliver. Good night.” He slowly pushed the food cart out of the room. I did not eat the food that he gave me because I still did not have an appetite. I wanted to catch some air; I wanted to go out the room, but how? It was exhausting sitting but I did not want to sleep. I decided to stay awake and maybe for another day to come. I want to see the sun without sleeping tonight. As soon as I stared at the window, my eyes started to get heavy, I was yawning and light headed. The next thing I knew, it was already morning. “I fell asleep last night, I am a joke, does this body never get tired of sleeping?” the feeling of frustration crept into me first thing in the morning. I looked at the clock and it was already eight forty-five (8:45). The nurse came to make her rounds; she checked my dextrose and greeted me for a good morning. “Looks like this is your last day with a dextrose, no shackles anymore.” She jokingly made a remark. She smiled at me and gave me a ‘thumbs up’. She was monitoring my medicine and finishing her rounds, when I thought of one question. I cleared my throat and asked her. “ummm, how many days have I been staying here?” She turned and answered while she was checking my medicine. “I am sorry, but I am not allowed to disclose information to patients. Maybe you will just have to wait for Dr. Lee to confirm it to you. On the other hand, maybe you could ask your Mom, Mrs. Cruz.” Another person refused to answer me again. That week I had two people who declined to answer my question. I was slightly annoyed and sarcastically answered back to the nurse. “Does anyone in this hospital can answer my question, aside from the doctor and my ‘Mom’?” The nurse was just unfazed and told me. “Nope, you need to wait for the doctor.” I sighed in disappointment as she went out of the room. Then the woman suddenly came bringing many supermarket bags. I assumed it was food. She greeted me kindly but I guess my face was not in the mood, her smile melted away. “Are you okay, Munin? Mama bought something for you.” This time I glared at her and was even more annoyed at her question. She unpacked some oranges but I looked away and ended up just staring at my window. She was heading to give me the oranges when I asked her. “How long have I been staying here? I hope you will answer, because none in this Goddamn place will give me an answer”. I was at my peak at that time and words just came out impulsively. The woman’s excitement vanished; it was as if I poured cold water on her. She was awkward. “Look, I am so sorry.” She apologized again. “Please stop saying sorry and just answer my question, it is that simple.” She took a deep breath as she dropped the bomb. “Eight months.” She looked straight in my eyes. I can just see how she collected the courage to tell me. “What do you mean eight months? This is not true, this is not happening, this can’t be happening.” I was breathing nervously when I couldn't help myself but burst into crying. “This is the reason why I never mentioned this. The doctor said not to stress you.” The woman was so concerned when she saw my reaction. “No …No ... your lying...” I was feeling dizzy, my vision became vague and it went dark. All I remember was the scream of the woman calling for the nurse. When I woke up it was already nine in the evening (9pm), the woman was beside my bed holding my hands. She fell asleep and I gently pulled my hand from her, but she was awakened. She looked so concerned about me. “Are you okay? Munin?” She hugged me tightly. “I was so scared I thought you were not going to wake up.” She sobbingly said while she was hugging me. When she finally calmed down, I continued to feed my curiosity. “What happened to me? How did I end up being in a coma for eight months and waking up not remembering anything?” She came back sitting to the chair beside my bed. “Munin, I want you to listen, this might take a long...” She started sharing to me what really happened. “You had a brain aneurysm. It is a condition when a thin nerve in our brain puffs. Yours actually did not work well; it ruptured at a very untimely moment. It was your birthday, August 23, 2022. Everybody was having so much----- you were having fun. You and your cousins had a game of bet; the person to lose is to drink three shots of tequila at one time. I did not know about that game beforehand. Your Tita and I went into the living room for a chitchat, and later on, I went to the kitchen to clean all the dishes. You guys were so loud outside and suddenly I heard a scream, “Munin! Tita Munin collapsed…” your cousin Louie called me. Therefore, I rushed to see what was going on, and there I saw you unconscious. I asked your cousins what happened but none of them were able to answer. They were panicking and I was panicking, too. However, when I saw the bottle of tequila at the side of the table, there was one thing that came into my mind, which gave me an adrenaline rush. It was your brain aneurysm. I called for paramedics and contacted your doctor, Dr. Lee. The ambulance came and we went straight to the emergency room. Dr. Lee ran some initial tests and found out that the vein in his brain had finally ruptured. I had to make the biggest decision if I would allow you to have the brain surgery that only have few percent of living. Fifty percent chance of survival. You live or you die. However, I had to risk that fifty percent chance of living. I did, Munin. That day I never left the chapel until the operation was done. After twelve hours, the Doctor came out and all I wished for was a positive response. That you live and not go into the light. Thank God, you lived. The operation was successful. Dr. Lee said we would just have to wait for you to wake up the next day. I was so happy and thankful that you survived. I did not leave the whole night because I wanted to be the first person that you would see as you wake up. However, that day passed, and the next day passed, and another day passed. You were still not waking up. Dr. Lee had to break the news to me. You were in a state of coma. From that day, until now, I have never lost hope. Now, you are finally awake, Munin. Eight months the long wait is over.” As soon as hearing about her story, I felt bad for myself and for her. It must have been hard for her to take the entire situation on herself. I was cruel, insensitive, and only thought of myself. I was selfish. She did not deserve all the fit I threw at her a while ago. “I am sorry for what happened earlier. I should not have done that. You do not deserve it. I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused you for the eight months.” I knew I needed to get it off my chest or else I would regret it. It was inhumane of me to hurt someone who has taken care of me for the past eight months. I offered her my hand as a sign that I would not be a brat anymore. She chuckled. “What is that? A sign of friendship?” She smiled as I showed her the gesture. “No, a sign that I would not be a brat anymore.” Then we both laughed. Honestly, I was clueless of what lied ahead during that time. It was frustrating but I was grateful to have someone who has taken care of me for the past eight months. The woman who was my Mom was there for me all throughout. Maybe, that was all I had to process, to live at that moment. To live the day as it is, and never force something that is not yet.