THE PLAN

"Is easy to find him and kill him," the words kept echoing in my head. " You must find him so that you can have peace!" it continued. I have never been myself ever since the day. I went from being happy, hopeful and positive to being sad, depression and negative. I started seeing the world differently, started behaving differently. I never became me again. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever return to the same me again or how I think I was before all this. I felt empty , like I was a walking container with no content. Empty, brainless , heatless, emotionless and motionless. It didn't start now , it has been going on for years now. Only that I didn't have a name for it. Is not easy, it was never easy, I tried to live with it but I gave in to the pain. Yes! I did ask myself if this would really end my suffering or I'll be unlocking the whole new chapter of the unknown? I calmed myself by saying it can't be worse than this.What if hell is real? We both know that it said that it holds a great fire of torment till infinity, am i ready for that? Well I've been living in hell so i guess it is nothing new. What about your kids? I don't do much to support them anyways, they will do fine without me besides my family will support them they won't even realise I am gone.What about mother's day or your birthday? Won't they miss you then?Are you really going to burden your family with your kids? Won't they miss you everyday they see your kids? What example are you setting for them ? That when there is no way to survive the best way is to quit? Yes!I did think of these questions but my pain was more than that, my suffering was way too much for me to bear. I cried without reason, the pain was deep and sharp. I felt like I was suffocating,my heart bled daily. I don't know if you can relate, I honestly ran out of reasons to keep living, I know I had kids and I'll leave a lot heartbroken but it was not easy. Weighed my options and I think this was the best. I honestly didn't want to be a burden. I made my bed and when it was time to lie on it I couldn't. I am really sorry I had to do this. I know you are now wondering what happened to me to take such a drastic situation, to answer that a lot had happened. And by a lot I mean it, I can't even keep count. My head was always aching, I slept a lot and sometimes not at all. I made stories in my head trying to escape my current situation. My heart always had irregular beats, sometimes it sounded like it was going to stop but other times it raced like I've done something straining. My body was always in a lot of pain and I had no pain free day. For me this is like a free vacation. I really don't know why I am writing all this, is it because I feel guilty? Maybe because I left all my loved ones without notice. My life was cut short, it is really painful to lose a loved one this way. If I had any other way I would have fought but the fear of being alive grew each moment. I gave myself time to think of the good that may happen in my near future then I reminded myself that people like me had no future. I was never normal, I remember that as a child I lived in my own little world. I would make a scenario and live in that perfect world until I grew up. Eventually I couldn't create any more magic because my anxiety wouldn't let me. I once asked myself before I made this decision, can suicide be validated? My findings you ask? Yes it can! I was tired of my condition, I felt like a burden to the people around me, a failure. Though I knew they didn't feel that way, my mind had already convinced me and I was trapped in it. I believed everything my mind told me; that I was worthless, useless, weak, stupid , a waste of space. Yes i woke up every morning feeling and knowing that am all that. Depression: the never ending feeling of deep and inescapable sorrow. The cause you ask? Every little thing that hurt you and tried to hide it with a smile or a bubbly personality. Signs? Withdrawal, no interest in any human activity, anxiety, irregular sleeping patterns, mood swings, more Anxiety, feelings of weakness , loss of confidence, more and more anxiety. Cure? Non! Anxiety ; feeling uneasy, overthinking, headaches, insomnia and other bunch of feelings I can't explain. Cause? Depression! Signs? Depression! Cure? Non. Suicide : a very brave and calculated decision to end your suffering by transferring your pain to your loved one. It seems selfish because you will only be thinking of yourself but from my perspective it is more like “ you don't have to worry about me anymore ”. To me it is more like I've done a huge sacrifice to my family. They won't have to be afraid to answer calls about how troublesome I've been or worry about my whereabouts or even have to bail me out with their last cents. To me I am a hero. What happens now? To your kids? Your family? Friends? How do they go on knowing that you didn't trust them enough to help you go through this? That you wanted the easy and the most painful way out? That you were only thinking of you? What about the kids ? I really don't know! I don't know but what I knew was I couldn't go on living the way I did. The real countdown to my death began. I admitted to myself that I need to be assisted “professionally” so I did what any mentally challenged person would do, get admitted to a mental institution. The day began like any other day. My boyfriend's phone was bombarded with calls from my family, asking if I was fine or needed anything; I needed everything. Comfort, assurance and so I thought. What I really needed was to be treated as soon as possible because my situation had worsened. I made the brave decision of contacting my sister to escort me. We were to meet at 9am. 8am I was still arguing with my brain to agree to my decision but I knew it was not going to be easy. At 8.30m I took a shower then remembered that my team was playing that day, the FA finale. I was going to miss the game , so I questioned my decision. Was I really going to jeopardize my life for a football game, No! I was not going to let it win over my decision. My life depended on my decision. Quarter to eight, I got ready and realized I had nothing to wear, everything I had was dirty. I thought maybe it is a sign that I shouldn't go. The night before, an extension that we used to connect the Tv and the radio burst into flames. I took that as a sign too. What sign do you ask? I don't know either but what I knew was I wanted to hurt myself and not let anything else hurt me. I wanted to kill myself and not be killed! That's one way to put it. At nine o' clock my boyfriend got ready while I cleaned the house. As soon as he was done I confessed to him that I was not going home in fact I was going to get help at a mental institution. He tried to talk me out of it but I had already made up my mind. We finally agreed and said he would be happy in any way he could. After what felt like a heart to heart to talk with him we were finally at the combi stops , and we said our goodbyes. Quarter to ten , I finally meet up with my sisters in the bus station. We had a few conversations on what I was going to need and if I really wanted to do this , as we talked we walked so in a few minutes we were in a bus heading to Lobatse. I kept asking myself if this was going to solve my problems , is not like it would be the first time meeting a psychologist. I said my last goodbyes to a few people in my contacts , only a few though." Is time," I told myself as I switched off my phone.