A'lurejah: The Fae Princess

Chapter Two

    “Idhrenniel, how is she really?”  I recognized Rothaniel’s voice, full of worry.

    “She’s stable, for now.  If I had not gotten here when I did, she would have died.  The physician that was here was slowly poisoning her, she would have withered up and died, and no one would have known what really happened.”  There was a sadness to Ithrenniel’s voice, a heaviness, a wariness about her that could be felt in the whole room.

    “I see.  Do you think she will wake up?”  He asked, his voice breaking with emotion.

    “She already is.”  Idhrenniel said simply.

    She must have seen me jump when Albion closed the door.  How else would she know that I am awake? I suppose that now I need to show them that I am awake… 

    Rothaniel gave no protest, nor did he question what she meant.  They resumed their silent waiting in front of the fireplace, sitting on the sofa.

    The sound of the crackling, popping fire was soothing, it calmed my mind and my soul as I laid there and thought about all that had been said between Uncle Albion and Idhrenniel.  I had questions that needed to be answered, but I needed to figure out those questions first.  Too many thoughts buzzing through my head to specifically pick one out.  

    The rest of that day seemed to pass in a haze, thoughts buzzing around like flies, I drifted in and out of dreamless sleeps.  I decided that I would wait another night and day to let them know that I was aware of what was happening around me, I wanted to see if the king would come back, or if he had made his expected visit to soothe his “guilty” conscience or not. 

    But what has he got to be guilty about? It’s not like he killed my family, and he said that he didn’t tell the physician to kill me, so what could he have that would make him feel guilty?

    Albion came back the next afternoon; he was quite a bit less rude and showed more emotion this time. When he spoke to Idhrenniel, it was in a softer regretful tone of voice, “I must apologize for my insensitivity when I was here yesterday.  I was rude and unkind to you; I hope you will accept my deepest apologies.  You have done much to help her, and without you, she would surely be dead right now.  I am grateful to you, both, for the constant care and protection you have bestowed on her.”  The king told Idhrenniel and Rothaniel.  

    I was moved by this, but there was still something off, something lurking just beyond the shadows that I could not understand.  Something just out of reach, and it bothered me. Made me not want to trust him at his word. 

    I felt someone take my hand in theirs, it was a large hand, very warm and slightly callused.  I assumed it to be Rothaniel’s or even Idhrenniel’s but the voice in my ear was very clearly Uncle Albion’s.

    “Ary, little one, come back to us.  Fight, little one, fight hard, and come back to us, please!  We need you. I need you!  There has not been a day that has gone by this last year that I have not thought of your mother and father and your brother’s and sisters.  I miss them dearly! I am so lost without them!  Please, find your way back to us soon!  You are all that I have left in this world.” Something wet dripped onto my face, I guessed that he was crying, he kissed my forehead, long and sweetly, like Father used to before bed or when I was sad.  Then he turned and walked, slowly, out of the room.

    That night a storm barrelled through the land. It was as if all of mother nature was mourning with Uncle Albion. Wind beat the rain against the windows. Thunder and lightning exploded in the sky loudly, shaking the foundation of the castle. This storm lasted throughout the night and as dawn broke, so did the storm. As the sun hit late morning, I woke up, slowly at first, blinking my eyes into the bright morning light, blurry and blearily. When my eyes adjusted to the light, I began to take in my surroundings.

    I was laying in a large four poster bed, there were sheer sheets draping down from each post, and darker sheets on top of those, the sheets were down on my left side and at the foot of my bed, making my visibility of the room limited.  The ceiling was elaborately decorated with fairies, elves, flowers, butterflies, making the most beautiful scenes play out above her, they somehow reminded her of her favorite place to go to on sunny days.

    I was underneath a heavy layer of blankets and sheets. I guessed that it got cold during the rain storm last night, and they covered me up with more blankets and closed the curtains on my bed to shield me from the windows.  Attempting to move was nearly impossible, I couldn’t seem to make my neck muscles make my head move  from one side to the other.  I could hear and feel Rothaniel and Idhrenniel in the room, presumably sitting on the sofa waiting patiently.  I cleared my throat loudly and they both came darting around the corner.  I opened and closed my mouth to indicate that I needed liquid to wet my mouth and my throat.  

    Idhrenniel complied with a warm liquid that hit my mouth and ran down my throat.  Choking and spluttering, I had, apparently, forgotten how to swallow.  Idhrenniel and Rothaniel helped to prop me up into a sitting position, leaning my head back onto a pillow because I couldn’t hold it up on my own.  She gave me a smaller amount of liquid this time, and I timidly tried to swallow it.  With each sip of liquid, I got better and better at swallowing.  

    “Do yeh know where you are?”  She asked me as I drank.

    I blinked once.

    “Do yeh remember what happened?”

    I blinked once.

    “Do yeh have questions yeh need answered?”

    I blinked once. 

    “When yer ready, we will answer yer questions as best as we can, honest and true.  Take yer time, do not rush.  Yeh may find it difficult ter speak at first.”  Idhrenniel said.

    It has been a year?  I asked so that they both could hear me, projecting my thoughts into their minds. Rothaniel was taken aback by this at first, but then relaxed into it.

    “Yes, it has been one year, three days.  Your eleventh name day is one month away.”  Idhrenniel said.

    Someone tried to kill me.  I stated.

    “Aye.  We do not know who ordered him to, but he nearly succeeded.”  Idhrenniel answered.

    Yeh suspect the king, why?

    “Not sure how to explain it really, just a feeling, a sense if yeh will.”  Idhrenniel said.

    “It’s his behavior and actions since you have been here that has made me think that maybe he could be behind this.  When I first brought yah into the palace after I found yah, his reaction was cold, dead, almost furious that you were alive.  I could be reading too deeply into it, perhaps he was just upset and in shock of what he’d just heard; I donna know for sure.  However, just days after yah got here, a new physician arrived and began feeding yah poison, and I dinna ken it. If it had not been for Idhrenniel’s timely arrival, he might have succeeded in killing yah.  I donna ken where he came from or who hired him.”  Rothaniel said.

    There was a long silence, in which I slept again for a while.  I was weak and needed as much sleep and rest as I could get, I also needed to get my strength back and get up off the bed and onto my feet again, quickly. 

    When I awoke again, Albion was there, holding my hand, face wet with tears.  For the moment, all suspicions had been erased from my mind.  We spent hours talking and laughing and crying.  He told me everything that had happened since I got here, and he caught me up on all the latest gossip, he made my days go by so much quicker and happier.  He even helped me sit up and helped me eat my broths.  He stayed beside me most of the day, every day.  It warmed my heart, and gave me hope and strength to keep fighting and want to get better and stronger.  Every day I improved, every day I got more color back into me, more life back into me.  

    Nights found me restless and unable to sleep. This night, I lay awake remembering what my mother used to tell me before bed every night.

    “Remember, little one, you’re a real, honest princess. You’ll be queen one day.” She would always smile.

    I used to think that she told all of her daughters this. I used to think that it was just wishful thinking, that all mothers told their daughters that they were princesses so they would have something to dream about. 

    Gods, mum was right. I am the true heir to the throne. One day, if I could recover from this malaise that gripped my spirit, I would take my uncle's place on the throne. No wonder he cares so much.

    I finally drifted off into a restless sleep sometime in the wee hours of the morning. I had vague dreams of green and violet robes and crowns. The dreams were littered with Faerie folk, and humans alike, strange muddled dreams, as if they were, somehow, future events trying to break through my subconscious mind telling me that I really did have something more to live for.

    When I woke up later that morning, feeling more exhausted than when I had fallen asleep, I stared up at the ceiling trying to remember the muddled confusing dreams I had, but I could not recall them at all.  Uncle Albion was just coming in with my breakfast tray, he saw me looking up at the ceiling, admiring its detailed beauty.

    “Do you like the ceiling, little one?” He asked me, happy to see that I was admiring it.

    “Yes, Uncle, it’s beautiful.” He had startled me out of my confused thoughts, flashes of two different crowns ran through my mind, but it was all that I could remember.

    “I had it specially painted for you back when your father told me that his girls were coming to foster here. I was so excited! I immediately had this room done up for you, and then he told me that it would be a year before he felt you were ready to come stay with us.” Grief clouded his eyes when he talked about my family. The pain and anger that lay in his eyes sometimes frightened me, but tonight I was sad for him. I scooted myself closer to him and curled up at his side.

    “Thank you, Uncle, it’s beautiful and I love it!” I smiled but it was a sad sort of smile. While I was happy to be with him, the mention of my parents brought up a sudden rush of emotions that I was not altogether prepared for. 

    “I am sorry, princess, is it too soon to speak of them like that?” He asked me, he must have seen me stiffen.

    “I do not know, Uncle. On the one hand, I do not want you to feel as though you cannae speak of them, I think it just caught me off guard this morn’.” I told him, I shook my head and took a deep breath, “What’s for breakfast? It smells delicious!” I said, trying to shake off the darkness that was creeping up in my mind.

    “Flat cakes, sausages, ham and eggs!” He announced, “And, how are you doing, Ary?” He asked as he asked as he set up breakfast for us by the bed.

    “A little numb and cloudy, to be honest. Had a rough night last night and did not sleep well. I can still hear their screams in my dreams, how I wish the screaming would stop.” I said bluntly. He looked stunned at me, and I realized that I had never before discussed this with him.

    “I am sorry little one, I am told that, over time, it will get better.” He said, sadness clouded his voice.

    “Donna fash yerself over it. I should not have blurted that out like that! I apologize. Come, sit! Let’s eat! I’m starving!” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

    He put on a brave face, and smiled tentatively at me. I tried to be engaging and pleasant in our conversations like I was okay, like nothing was wrong. Yet the truth was, I was not okay. There was a darkness that was lingering around the corners of my mind, a darkness that crept in more every day and I felt like I was drowning in it. True, the conversations with Uncle Albion brightened my day and helped to ward off that darkness, but now that I was getting stronger and better I saw my Uncle only during meals. He was the king, after all, and he was needed for state affairs. He no longer could put them off and be with me all day long. I understood that, I did, but that did not make me feel any less alone. In that loneliness, there brewed other feelings, painful anger and hatred that welled up inside of me, feelings that I didn’t know what to do with, or how to talk about them. Feelings that I thought that everyone else wanted me to pretend weren’t there.

    One day I heard Albion and Idhrenniel outside of my door talking. I assume that they thought I was sleeping.

    “How is she really doing, Idhrenniel?” Albion asked her.

    “I don’t know. Some days she seems to be really good, and others she is so withdrawn inside of herself that I don’t think she knows anyone else is in the room with her. I had thought that, with time, she would come out of this, but she seems to be withdrawing more and more everyday.” Sadness drenched her voice.

    “When I was here all day, she seemed to have more light in her than she does now. When I come to visit her now, she seems to withdraw and become quiet. I fear for her, if she doesn’t talk about how she is feeling, she will explode one day, and I do fear for us all when that happens.”

    “Aye, I fear yer right, but we cannae force her to talk. Be patient, sire, I am sure that she will come back to us soon.”

    I got so angry that night that I picked up the sharpest object that was closest to me. I pressed the blade heavily into my arm and drew it along my skin.. The pain that came from that cut made me feel alive again, so I repeated it over and over again until I had a dozen cuts on my arm, and my arm ached from the pain so much, I could not continue. I laid back in bed and let my arm bleed, hoping it would be the end of me, hoping that it would take away all my pain and give me rest at long last. I closed my eyes, smiling, knowing that Idhrenniel would not check on me again until morning came.

    “Good morning, my princess, I came to wake you up, milady, Idhrenniel is waiting for you in the courtyard. She said that the fresh air and a walk through the gardens would do you good.” She screamed when she drew back the heavy curtains to my bed. I could imagine how I looked to her, pale as my sheets, looking as if I had been through a b****y battle. My right hand still held the knife I had used, b****y and savage looking. She ran from my room sobbing and incoherent.

    Several minutes had passed, though it felt like an eternity, when two sets of heavy footsteps came back into the room.

    “What have you done!?” Idhrenniel demanded, she fled over to me and applied pressure on my self-inflicted wounds at once. She fussed over me, crying all the while, muttering and speaking in languages I had not heard in a long time. As she finished, the king came in, carrying our breakfast.

    “What the b****y hell has happened!? I could smell the blood from the hallway.” He demanded, angry. A’lurejah knew that he was scared, his anger was only a mask.

    “Ask her yerself!” Idhrenniel said, shoving the bandages into a drawer beside my bed. She stormed passed him and out the door, muttering all the while.

    “A’lurejah, what’s happened?” He asked me, his voice more gentle and kind now.

    “Nothing, Uncle, is that breakfast that you’ve brought? I’m starving!” I said, my voice weak, my head fell to one side, all the strength I had gathered over the last six months was destroyed.

    “A’lurejah Jayd, tell me now and tell me true, what has happened?!?” He said, his voice full of fear. “You were so strong yesterday, and now all your strength has gone! What’s happened?!” He demanded.

    I knew that I could not deny it, I could not lie to him. I lifted up my left arm and showed him the wounds that Idhrenniel had stitched up. I could not bear to look at him, I could not bear to see the grief and shame in his eyes.

    “I still don’t understand, I don’t … What happened?! Who did this to you?!” He cried, confused and angry.

    “I did …” My small, meek voice came. “Uncle, I did this to myself ...” I said, turning my head to face him.

    “But… Why???” He asked trembling, sitting down beside me on the bed, he sat breakfast down on the table beside me. “Why??” He cried, tears streaming down his face, confusion in his eyes.

    “Because I wanted to die. That’s why, Uncle, is that a good enough reason?” I asked, anger burning in my eyes now.

    Uncle Albion flinched from the fierce fire that was burning in my eyes, “But… Why?!” He asked again like a silly child. He could not say anything else.

    “Because it hurts!” I screamed, groping at my chest where my heart was. “It hurts! It hurts and I want it to stop!” I screamed, the anger leaving me now, the pain washing over my eyes, I scratched harshly at my chest. My chest stung and my night dress began to soak up the blood that was now pouring out of the wounds I had opened up again. I began clawing at the stitches that Idhrenniel had finished putting in my arms, ripping them out one by one, and he sat there, watching me, dumbfounded.

    When I had finished ripping out all the stitches in every wound, blood was pouring out of them again, Uncle Albion grabbed my arms and held them at my side, his grip was painful, but his hard cold eyes were terrifying.

    “You listen to me and you listen well, you hear me?! You are all that remains of my sister! I didn’t save her! I failed her! In every way! And I will NOT lose you too! You are too valuable to me, far too precious for me to lose you too! Damn it Ary! Can’t you see that!? You are too precious to me to lose! I will NOT let you do this! I will NOT let you die! I will stay here with you all day and all night if I have to! I will sit on you and tie your hands up if that’s what it takes! I will not let you die!” He shook me harshly, as angry tears swam in his eyes and fell down onto my face with a crashing force. Each tear seemed to hold all his anger. “You are not alone! And you don’t have to pretend to be okay! We don’t want you to be okay! We need you to NOT be okay! Because the sooner you face this, the sooner healing can come in! This is not healthy! Keeping it all bottled up, and not talking about it, not talking about the pain and anger! Let us in, let us help you!” He was shaking me, my head was swimming, and his face came in and out of focus, I was fading, fast.

    “Guards! Go get Idhrenniel, and bring her here at once! Hurry! Time is short!” He yelled. He could feel me weakening in his arms, he could feel my life fading fast now, and he knew that he had moments to act before I died right there.

    It felt like an eternity before Idhrenniel ran into my room. “What’s happened??” She asked, her voice frantic with panic and worry.

    “She ripped out her stitches!” Uncle Albion told her. He kissed my head and whispered, “I love you, little one, please don’t leave me!” it

was the last thing I heard before the darkness took over.

    “Ary, little one, wake up.” My mother’s voice came crashing through the black. I opened my eyes and saw her standing over me, one hand on my face, the other on my arm.

    “Mum?” I asked, confused.

    "Yes, little one, it’s me.” She smiled, her eyes sad.

    “But, I thought you were dead?”

    “I am, little one, and so are you.” Tears swam in her eyes.

    “I died?” I asked, confused still.

    “Yes, little one, you took your own life today.” A deep sadness filled her eyes.

    “Mum, if I am dead, why are you so sad? I get to be with you and Da’ and everyone else now!” I exclaimed.

    “No, little one, you can’t. Suicide is an unforgivable sin. It’s the one thing our Creator won’t allow for. You took your own life to ease your suffering, in this selfish act, you have damned yourself to an eternal fire.” Her sadness burned in her eyes.

    “But, it hurt so much!” I screamed, “YOU LEFT ME ALONE! AND IT HURTS TOO MUCH! I CANNOT BEAR THIS PAIN ANYMORE!” My anger flooded out.

    “I am so sorry, Ary, we never intended to leave you. We never meant for this to happen!”

    “MEANT TO OR NOT, YOU DID! YOU LEFT ME! IT HAPPENED! AND NOW I AM ALONE, SUFFERING, HURTING, AND I CANNOT FIX IT!”

    She placed her hand on A’lurejah’s shoulder and spoke tenderly, “I know, Ary, I can feel your pain, and I feel your anger. I am still with you, watching over you, guiding you, trying my best to be there for you even now.”

    My anger vanished and a sudden hot fury took its place, “YOU PROMISED ME! SAID YOU’D ALWAYS BE WITH ME! THAT YOU’D NEVER LEAVE ME! YOU THINK THAT YOU BEING THERE WHERE I CANNOT FEEL YOU OR SEE YOU OR HUG YOU MAKES ME FEEL BETTER?! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO JUSTIFY THAT YOU LEFT ME?! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY?!” I screamed at her, hitting her anywhere my hands could strike.    

    “No, of course not, but I hope that in the coming months, it will be a comfort to you. I have to go now, He gave me a few minutes with you. He wants to give you a chance, another opportunity at life. Ary, if you do this again, if you take your own life again, he will not be able to save you a second time. This is your last opportunity to live life to its fullest, and one day we will be reunited. Go, now, and be healed, and remember that I am with you always.” She faded into nothing, and I was alone, again.