Illicit Love

Chapter 4:The Hell I'm In

CHARLES

As planned, the family dinner really happened. Is he gonna announce that he will be dead soon? Now I'm curious. We are here in the restaurant that Dad owned. Even though the restaurant was big enough for an event. There was only us. He must have reserved it for this family gathering. Is he even gonna say something important?

Naka-upo kami sa isang mahabang mesa. As usual nasa gitna si Dad, si Ate Yvonne ay katabi si Mom na siyang kaharap namin ni Camille. There was only the sound of the spoon moving, Mom pouring wine into her glass. Even the servers were terrified of the silence around us. Is this how should a family act?

"So what's the occasion, Dad?" tanong ni Ate Yvonne kay Dad.

I would like to ask him the same question. He wouldn't do this just because he wants some fun time with his family. Who is he kidding? After a few seconds of silence, nagkatinginan ang lahat. There was already an awkward air around, and now that Ate Yvonne was the first person to speak, mas lumala lang ito.

Dad smiled as he put down his spoon and took a sip of the wine, and answered. "Wala naman, Yvonne. I just miss the old times," Dad said as he sliced the steak on his plate.

Ate Yvonne sneered.

"What old times are you talking about, Dad? I don't even remember having one. I only remember me getting beaten up by you," Ate Yvonne said sarcastically. Nanlaki ang mga mata ng lahat, pati na rin ako.

Kahit ako gulat rin kay Ate Yvonne. Well, the last time na nagkita sila ay nag-away din naman sila. It should be that shocking. Haah... But the same question also came to my mind, but because I'm Charles, I won't dare to say it. But about Ate Yvonne, It was expected, it's Ate Yvonne after all.

"Ate," mahina kong saway sa kanya pero hindi niya ako pinansin at nagpatuloy sa pagkain.

"Yvonne!" Mom shouted angrily but Ate Yvonne did not bother at all, it's like she did not hear anything.

She did not even look at Mom, she was busily cutting the steak and enjoying eating it as if mocking Mom.

"You—"

Magsasalita pa sana si Dad pero pinigilan ito ni Mom, wala siyang nagawa at bumuntonghuminga na lang. I wish I can also make Dad sigh like that.

What a weird wish I have! Who the hell makes a wish like that? So desperate yet can't do and won't do anything. Just wonderful! When I heard about the dinner, I already expected what would happen. There will be no laughter between us, on every family occasion, it's to be expected what would happen. Hope I won't be getting an upset stomach after this dinner.

Dad sigh and said, "So kailan ba kami magkakaroon ng apo?" Napatigil ako sa paghiwa ng steak at gulat na tinignan si Dad na agad rin naman nawala. Muntik na akong mabulunan.

T*ng*na nga naman. So this was his reason, this was his intention all along. No wonder, he always does things for his own reasons, all to his benefit. Did Camille Dad threaten him again?

Tinignan ko ang plato ko, I sliced the meat and took a bite. It didn't taste anything. Maybe it's the steak problem or me, but I don't taste anything. I feel like puking all of the sudden. Apo? Hah!

I'm not impotent and we've seen each other naked bodies, but it's impossible for me to be turned on, less Camille being pregnant. It's been 5 years since I was married to Camille. I remember on our honeymoon, even though I insisted not to come because we won't be doing anything at all, but Dad slapped me on my face so hard that I realized I'm already in hell.

She put something in my drink and I was almost r***d by her. I was traumatized. Fortunately, Ate Yvonne insisted on coming with me. After all of that, I couldn't. Every time Camille asked for it, I found myself shaking and would just laugh at myself. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I'm a man yet when I thought of having s*x with my wife, I tremble? It's f*cking ridiculous.

And also, I don't want my child to be born from a bad parent. Especially to a Dad who's childish. I don't want them to question themselves why they're born, like how I always questioned that myself, and would just wish every day to just... haaah—die. I know how hard it is to grow up with a parent who doesn't want to and who does not know how to be a proper parent.

Apo? I wouldn't bring a child to this kind of household! I spent my childhood, teens and now adulthood, na sinusunod ang gusto ng magulang ko at hindi magawa ang gusto ko sa buhay. That is how a child with suicidal thoughts are made. I wouldn't bring a child to this world if I'm just gonna break them. They didn't ask for it.

"DAD!" pagtutol ni Ate Yvonne, pero hindi ito pinansin ni Dad, at sa amin pa rin siya nakatingin. Palipat-lipat ang tingin ni Mom at ni Dad sa aming dalawa, naghihintay ng kasagutan.

I didn't respond. What would I say? Magdadabog kagaya ni Ate Yvonne? Hah! I wouldn't get away with just a slap.

Yeah, a coward!

"We can make it tonight, Dad." Napalingon ako kay Camille sa gulat dahil sa kanyang sinabi. Camille smiled at my parents, ignoring me.

"Mom–"

"Hell no! You shut it, you b*tch who looks like a maggot!" Ate Yvonne looked at Camille enraged, but Camille just looked at her smirking.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Camille sa ilalim ng mesa para pigilan siya. She looked at me and raised an eyebrow and smiled even wider.

"Stop it, Yvonne! Can you be more respectful?" pagsuway ulit ni Mom kay Ate Yvonne.

"I'm sorry about her attitude. She just doesn't know what is normal and what's not," she said as she sighs in disappointment.

She looks at us and smiled. "Kung ganon, siguro ay dapat na tayong magmadali. I'm excited for my first apo." Mom looked at us happily, as if she didn't just insult Ate Yvonne.

I stopped myself from glaring at Mom, at nag-iwas lang ng tingin. I understand Ate Yvonne, kung bakit ganun na lang siya makatutol lalo na kapag ito'y tungkol sa amin ni Camille. She still thinks that she's the one who got me in this hell, but that is not true, and I want to tell her that and for her to realise that. We're the victims, we did nothing wrong.

Gusto ko ring sabihin na ayaw ko, pero wala akong lakas na loob para sabihin 'yon. Wala naman akong lakas ng loob sa lahat. I'm a slave in their words, I let them do that—no, it's because I can't do anything at all. Ate Yvonne slammed the table, the plates and the spoons, fork and the knives jumped from the table. The servers jumped in fright and looked frightened for a second but their expression quickly turned expressionless.

"Stop it, Mom!" shouted Ate Yvonne. Lumaki ang mata ni Mom sa galit at gulat. While Dad looked at me blankly.

I sighed. I'm sorry, Ate.

"Ate, you're drunk, okay? Let's stop," I said to her calmly. I feel puking all of the sudden. What the h*ll am I doing? Seriously, Charles? After mo nag-promise sa sarili na, you will take Ate Yvonne side sa susunod, but look at you. Hah! F*ck. My stomach hurts.

"I'm not f*cking drunk, Charles," galit na sabi ni Ate. My stomach pain got even worse. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! I want to get out of this sh*th*le.

"Yvonne, respeto. Nasa hapagkainan ka at baka nakalimutan mo kung sino kaharap mo. 'Yan kasi, sumasama ka sa mga ganoong tao kaya naging ganyan ka. I told you, stop with the lesbian bullsh*t. That sh*t is f*cking disgusting," Mom said, irritated while shaking her head in disbelief.

Kumunot ang noo ko at nanlaki ang mata sa galit. "MO—"

"Charles." I quickly closed my mouth when Dad suddenly called my name coldly. F*ck! Seriously? Charles?

"You're making me lose my appetite! You're the disgusting ones. And, what? Respect? You're asking for a thing that you both don't know how to do. I could ask the same thing to you, Mom. How do you expect to be respected when you don't even act like proper parents! Nakakatawa naman kayo. Sana naging payaso na lang kayo at hindi nag magulang," sigaw ni Ate Yvonne. Her eyes are red and are on the verge of crying. Her breath is heavy.

"That's it, Yvonne! Punong-puno na ako sayo!" Napatayo kami lahat nang bigla na lang tumayo si Dad.

Pipigilan ko sana si Dad ng hinawakan ni Camille ang braso ko kasabay rin ang tingin sa akin ni Mom. Napatigil ako at bumuntong huminga. And again, I just watched. Kailan ba ako masasanay? W-What the f*ck?! The question should be, kailan ba ako magbabago? What? Sanay na ba ako?

He pointed at Ate Yvonne and shouted, "If you can't get married for the sake of this family and won't stop about that lesbian b*llsh*t, then I take that as I don't have a daughter anymore! I gave you a chance to change and to leave that woman, but you didn't! You're worse than a child molester. You're embarrassing us for that sh*t! You're a disgrace, you f*ggot!" Dad shouted while pointing at Ate Yvonne, his veins almost bursting.

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa narinig. Why are they saying things like that to their own daughter? "DAD—"

"Shut it, Charles! Ugh! My head hurts," Mom said, irritated.

Nakapikit ang mata nito habang minamasahe ang noo. She opened her eyes and looked at Ate Camille with disappointment in her eyes and shook her head and said, "If I knew you were gonna be like this, I should have aborted you when I had the chance and here I was, hoping to have a happy dinner. You always ruined everything, Yvonne. I can't believe you came from my womb. "

I was only able to grit my teeth and watch them hurt Ate. I want to speak. I really want to say something. But, they won't let me. They won't let me, that's why I can't say anything, Ate Yvonne. That's why. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being a cowardly brother. F*ck! F*ck me!

Ate Yvonne stared at Dad and Mom in disbelief. The tears in her eyes were now obvious. She bits her lips. "....Haaa." her breath trembles as she lets out a sigh. Tumingin siya sa kisame, trying hard not to let her tears fall.

"W-What? Do you think I ask for this? T-To be born as your daughter? I'm more embarrassed to be born as your daughter than I'd rather be an orphan instead!" Ate Yvonne shouted in difficulty. She couldn't hold back her tears anymore. She shook her head and walked away.

Susundan ko sana siya nang pinigilan uli ako ni Camille.

"Don't you dare follow her," Dad said threat​en​ing​ly. I stopped and only looked at Ate's back who's wiping her tears.

Tinignan ko lang siyang papalayo ng papalayo. I'm such a coward. As I said, I'm a slave of my parent's words.

I looked at Dad, umupo siya ulit at kinain ang hindi pa na nauubos na steak. He drinks the wine and wipes his mouth with a napkin. Damn, I want to punch him.

"Why did you even give birth to someone who's not normal?" he said and shook his head.

Why did you even bring us to this world if you'll be the cruellest person to us?

I sat again and looked at my only half-eaten steak. I close my eyes in defeat. I'm such a f*cking coward!

"You should go home, Charles. I will be expecting results," Mom said, looking at Camille and me.

"Mom, really? Seriously? Your daughter just walked out crying? And that's what you're gonna say?" Sh*t! I want to say that! F*ck! I couldn't even defend her earlier.

Camille smiled back at tsaka tumingin sa akin. "Let's go, Hon." I didn't say anything and just forced a smile back at her.

...

"What was that?! Charles, you should discipline your sister. Does she know what manners are, at all? That b*tch! She even called me a maggot! She's the faggot," she said while locking her arms in mine.

"Camille, stop, please." I clenched my fist. How stupid and a coward I am! I can't even defend my sister.

"Go by yourself, I will get the driver for you," I said at kinuha ang kamay niya sa kamay ko. Kinonutan niya ako ng noo.

"What?" she asked, confused and angry. Tinigan niya ako ng maigi.

"What do you mean, go by myself? You're not coming with me?" tanong niya habang nakataas ang kilay.

I didn't respond and dial the number of the driver. "Get the car. Camille is going home." I didn't wait for the driver to respond and cut off the call.

"What the hell are you doing, Charles? Mon just said —"

"I'm tired, let's talk tomorrow," sagot ko sa kanya at napahawak sa ulo kong kanina pa sumasakit. Napangiwi ako nang nakaramdam din ako ng sakit sa tiyan ko.

"Haah...F*ck!" I whispered. I feel like puking.

"And I'm not? You expect me to go home by myself? And where the hell are you going?" she shouted angrily, na mas lalong nagpasakit ng ulo ko.

"Just go home. I will go home later." I forced myself to kiss her on her forehead.

"CHARLES!

Hindi ko na siya pinansin at naglakad para pumara nang taxi.

"A bar nearby." Papasok na sana ako sa loob ng taxi nang may nararamdaman ako sa tiyan kong masakit. Agad akong tumakbo sa nakita kong basurahan.

"Blargh! Blaargh!" The taste of vomit passed between my open jaws, it filled me with shame and regret. A coward can only vomit. Kinuha ko ang panyo sa bulsa ko, and wiped the bile from my lips and stared at smelly garbage that had my p**e in it for a while before standing up straight.

There was the steak, still mostly intact; there was the salad half crushed; there was the wine that I don't like at all but my father's favourite, colouring the majority mass of my p**e. Bitter. Inubo ko ang spinach na nasa tutunlan ko pa, and wiped the tears that had streamed down my eyes. The tears didn't stop and kept falling.

Nakaramdam ako ng kamay sa balikat ko. "Okay lang po ba kayo, sir?" the driver asked me worriedly.

I wiped my tears using the back of my mind and said, "Yeah." Naglakad ako papunta sa kotse niya at binuksan ito bago pumasok. Hindi siya kumilos ng ilang segundo pero agad rin siyang pumasok sa driver seat.

"Sa malapit na bar," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Yes, sir," he said, at nagsimulang paandarin ang sasakyan. Sa wakas, a quiet place.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone sa bulsa ko para tawagan si Ate Yvonne, ilang ring muna ang narinig ko bago niya ito sinagot.

"I'm okay." Hindi pa nga ako nagsasalita ay sumagot na siya. I can't help but smile through the pain.

"I know you're not. You can't lie to your only little brother, Ate." It makes me sad, thinking that I am the reason why Ate is not okay, always. I should have at least defended her when I'm the only one who's on her side.

".... I'm really ok, sanay na ako sa mga ganyang salitang binabato sa akin." Pinigilan ko ang pagbuntong hininga. One shouldn't get used to the words that hurt you. I didn't respond for a second, at tumingin lang sa nadadaan buildings.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't defend you at all," I said and sighed deeply that it hurt my chest. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm really okay, sanay na 'ko, I hear that every day. Not just from Mom and Dad. Kaya sanay na ako. Don't think too much about what happened. Mom and Dad will forget what happens, like how they forget they about us," she said jokingly. Bumuntong ako ng hinga.

"I'm sorry. "

"Oh, please, don't be. P-please don't be." her voice cracked.

"...."

"....."

".... Haaa, Ate—"

"I'm at your house, " tumatawa nitong sabi.

I smiled and my smile turned into a laugh. Napatingin sa akin ang driver. The mood changed so fast but my heart was still heavy, it's hard to breathe.

"Again?" I asked, tumatawa pa rin.

"Yes. Again," she said as she giggled.

"You are afraid that something might really happen to us, right?"

"Yes," maikli niyang sagot. Napa-iling ako at tumawa.

Yeah, because Ate was always there, I was saved. Pero ako? I will only watch her getting hurt again and again.

I force a big smile. "Don't worry. Don't you trust me, Ate?" I said it like a joke, but does she really doesn't trust me?

"No, it's not I don't trust you, nagtitiwala ako sayo, pero wala akong tiwala sa babaeng 'yon and how can I not worry? Hindi ko gusto magkaroon ng pamangkin sa babaeng bruha na 'yon!" I smiled sadly. Gumaan naman ang loob ko sa sinabi ni Ate, buti na lang kung ganoon.

"I won't be home tho." Napatigil siya sa pagtawa.

"Oh! Really?"

"Ate, please," pagmamakaawa ko sa kanya, knowing what will happen.

"I'll try. Hahah—" " WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?" Nagulat ako at pati rin ang driver sa lakas ng sigaw. Akala ko pa nga ay naka loudspeaker ako. Agad kong inilayo ko ang cellphone ko sa tenga sa pagkabigla ko. I massage my ear, dahil sa sakit. This is trouble.

"Don't—"

"She's here. Bye, Charles. Enjoy your time alone. I will give you so much that you will realize how good life is without Camille and our parents," she said. I could hear a shout from the other side of the phone.

"Ate, please–"

toot, toot, toot.

Mom and Dad will be mad at me if something will happen again. I tried calling Ate Yvonne and Camille, but none of them answered.

"Nandito na po tayo, sir?" I looked at the car window, nandito na nga ako.

I should call them later. I paid him the fare and got out of the taxi. Paglabas na paglabas ko, bumungad agad sa akin ang malakas na musika. Hindi ko maiwasan na tumingin sa relo ko, to check the time.

11:11

I wished to get out of this hell I'm in.