Red

Innocents

Dear myself,

I think I cry too much. I use to go through worst so why am I still soft. Do I really think things can get better? Do I think I can go and just be happy when I have nothing? Am I that stupid? She lied and left. He didn't care and beats. She cares too much and cries.

I shouldn't be sad about what happened. I deserved it. I made my mom's life horrible. I torture my brother. I never help my sister. I am not a good person. So why do I act innocent? My sister is crying because my brother hurt her again. I go and pull his hair or something to get him to stop.

He doesn't listen to anyone unless he physically have to or else. This is why I do that but there could be another way. I can bribe him but I got nothing. I can yell at him but he'll cover his ears. I could tell mom but she'll be busy.

I wish that he would just listen. If he could just listen he'll understand. I hate having him around and constantly bugging me. I wish that life is fair. Sometimes, I imagine what it would be like to never wake up. To never have to go through the day but just to sleep.

Peacefully and still. Like sleeping beauty without the curse. Asleep waiting for someone to wake me in the end.

I like the idea of life being like a fairytale. Go through trauma and then, boom, happy ending. If I had an happy ending, what would my life be like? Without the drama and pain. Without suffering with hate. What if it all disappeared? All the hate, drama, and pain just gone. Just a memory of all the bad times that use to be.

I don't know if I would be myself. I am always surrounded drama. It's how I was raised. I am dramatic and broken but that is just who I am. Without that, I don't think I would be the person I am today.

I would be probably always bouncing around and talking. I would always be smiling and pretty much ready for anything. I probably will be very talkative and excited for everyday. At times, yeah, I am kind of like this but it's not real.

I just don't want to be fake happy (totally not a song reference.) I want to stand proud when I am in hard times. (Yeah, again, not song reference at all.) There is part of me that feel trapped as if a brick is tied to me... Dragging me down. (Dang, three in a row.)

But all that aside. I want someday to be real. Someday no more hard times or fake happy. Just real smiles and hope. Hope for the life of a new tomorrow. Hope for the love and the happiness that could exist. At least I want it to be real.

Until that day,

Ana